I think one of the hardest questions you can ask yourself when you're dating somebody is whether they're actually the right person for you.

Because sometimes there's nothing obviously wrong. You enjoy spending time together, you get along, you have fun, and you genuinely care about them. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you're wondering whether this is the relationship you're supposed to be in.

And the frustrating part is that nobody can really answer that question for you.

I don't think there's one definitive sign that somebody is right for you. But I do think there are certain things you can pay attention to that tell you a lot about your relationship and how you actually feel.

Pay Attention to How You Feel When You're Together

I think the first question is also the simplest. Are you happy when you're with this person?

Not whether every single moment is incredible or whether you're constantly having the best time of your life. That's unrealistic. I'm talking about how you feel on an ordinary Tuesday night when you're sitting on the couch together doing absolutely nothing.

Do you enjoy their company? Are you comfortable? Can you be yourself without worrying about how you're being perceived?

I think those ordinary moments tell you more than we give them credit for. It's easy to have an amazing time when you're on vacation, celebrating something, or doing something exciting. But most of a relationship is going to be everyday life.

And I think you should genuinely enjoy sharing that everyday life with somebody.

Do You Miss Them When You're Apart?

One of my favorite ways to evaluate how you feel about somebody is to pay attention to what happens when you're not together.

"I think you know how much you like somebody by how much you miss somebody."

I don't mean that you need to miss your partner every second you're apart. You should have your own friends, interests, and things you enjoy doing without them.

But when something exciting happens, are they somebody you want to tell? When you've had a difficult day, do you look forward to seeing them? After spending a few days apart, are you excited to be together again?

I think there's a difference between enjoying your independence and realizing you don't particularly miss somebody.

Neither feeling automatically determines whether a relationship is right or wrong, but they're worth paying attention to.

Look at How They Treat You, Not Just How Much You Like Them

This might be the most important distinction in the entire conversation.

You can really like somebody who isn't necessarily good for you.

You might have incredible chemistry, find them attractive, and love spending time together, but still feel consistently disrespected, insecure, or unhappy.

One question I came across puts this into perspective:

"How would you feel if somebody said that they can tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen? Does that feel like an insult or a compliment?"

I think that's such a good question because it forces you to consider whether the person you're with reflects how you believe you deserve to be treated.

Do they respect you? Are they kind? Do they support your goals? Do you feel comfortable telling them when something is wrong?

The American Psychological Association's guidance on healthy relationships emphasizes communication and constructive ways of handling disagreements. Those everyday behaviors matter much more than whether a relationship looks perfect from the outside.

You shouldn't have to convince yourself that being treated poorly is simply part of being in love.

Understand the Difference Between a Hard Relationship and a Hard Moment

Every relationship goes through difficult periods.

You're two different people with different backgrounds, expectations, personalities, and ways of communicating. Of course there are going to be disagreements.

But I think there's an important difference between a relationship that's experiencing something difficult and a relationship that consistently makes your life difficult.

Maybe you've been arguing more because one of you is stressed at work. Maybe you're navigating long distance or figuring out how to balance your schedules.

Those are problems you can potentially work through together.

But if you're constantly unhappy, afraid to express yourself, or repeatedly dealing with the same unresolved problems, that's something different.

The Gottman Institute's research and guidance on conflict highlights the importance of understanding each other and repairing disagreements rather than simply trying to win arguments.

I think that's the goal. You shouldn't expect a relationship without problems. You should want a relationship where you can solve problems together.

If you're struggling with those conversations, I wrote about How To Bring Up Something That Bothers You Without Starting an Argument, because learning how to communicate small frustrations before they become bigger problems is incredibly important.

Ask Whether You're Happy Now Before Worrying About Forever

I came across another piece of advice that suggested asking yourself whether the person you're dating is somebody you want to spend every day with when you're 60.

I understand the sentiment. Eventually, if you're building a life together, that should be something you can imagine.

But I also think that's an enormous amount of pressure to put on a relationship that's only a few months old.

If you've been dating somebody for six weeks, how are you supposed to know what your life together will look like 35 years from now?

I think it's much more helpful to start with the present.

Are you happy with them today? Do you like the direction things are going? Are you excited to continue getting to know them?

I've written about this in How To Stop Worrying About the Future and Live in the Present. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to figure out what something will become that we forget to enjoy what it already is.

You don't need to know whether somebody is your forever person on your third date. You just need to know whether you want a fourth.

Make Sure You're Not Losing Yourself in the Relationship

I think one of the healthiest things you can bring into a relationship is a strong relationship with yourself.

You should still have your own interests, friendships, ambitions, and things that make you happy outside of your partner.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't depend on each other. I actually think being able to tell somebody you're anxious, uncertain, or struggling is one of the best parts of a good relationship.

But there's a difference between having somebody who supports you and expecting somebody to be responsible for your entire happiness.

If you've stopped doing things you love, abandoned your friendships, or feel like you don't recognize yourself anymore, it's worth asking why.

This connects to How To Like Being Alone. Learning to enjoy your own company doesn't make relationships less important. I think it makes it easier to choose somebody because you genuinely want them in your life.

The right relationship should give you room to become more of yourself, not require you to become somebody completely different.

Notice Whether You're Both Supporting Each Other

I think one of the most overlooked signs of a good relationship is how you show up for each other when life isn't going equally well.

Maybe you just got promoted while your partner has been looking for a job for months. Maybe they're accomplishing everything they've worked toward while you're feeling completely stuck.

You're not always going to be moving at the same pace.

But you should feel like you're on the same team.

When something good happens, you should want to celebrate together. When something goes wrong, you should feel comfortable leaning on each other.

Research discussed by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center in Gratitude Is for Lovers explores how appreciation can encourage generosity and commitment between partners.

I think that's an important reminder that a relationship isn't only about what somebody does for you. It's also about how much you want to show up for them.

And when both people genuinely want to do that, I think you have something pretty special.

What Should You Do If You're Still Unsure?

I think the worst thing you can do is expect yourself to reach some perfect level of certainty where you never question anything again.

You're probably going to have doubts occasionally, even in a good relationship.

Instead of asking yourself the same question over and over, try getting specific about what's making you uncertain.

Is there an actual problem you haven't addressed? Are you unhappy with how you're being treated? Are your long-term goals incompatible? Or are you simply nervous about committing to something important?

Those are very different situations.

If there's a specific concern, talk about it and pay attention to whether anything changes. If you're feeling generally anxious about the future, give yourself room to understand that feeling without immediately treating it as proof something is wrong.

And if you're consistently unhappy or don't feel respected or safe, don't ignore that simply because you care about the person.

You don't need a perfect relationship. But you do need one that's genuinely good for you.

And Here's The Thing

I don't think knowing you're in the right relationship means waking up every morning with absolute certainty that you've found the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

I think it's much more ordinary than that.

It's enjoying the time you spend together. It's missing them when they're gone. It's feeling comfortable telling them something difficult. It's being excited when something good happens to them and knowing they'll be there when something bad happens to you.

It's having disagreements without feeling like the entire relationship is falling apart.

And it's being able to look at the person you're with and feel proud that you've chosen each other.

You don't need somebody who makes every day perfect. You need somebody who makes the ordinary days better and who wants to work through the difficult ones with you.

I think that's a pretty good place to start.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you know if you're with the right person?

You generally feel happy, respected, supported, and comfortable being yourself. You also share important values and can work through disagreements together.

Is it normal to question your relationship?

Yes. Occasional doubts are normal, especially when a relationship becomes more serious. Persistent unhappiness or disrespect deserves closer attention.

Should you always miss your partner when you're apart?

No. Enjoying time alone is healthy. What matters is whether you generally enjoy being together and feel emotionally connected.

Can you love someone and still be in the wrong relationship?

Yes. Loving somebody doesn't automatically mean you're compatible or that the relationship is healthy.

How long does it take to know if someone is right for you?

There's no universal timeline. Focus on getting to know each other, observing how you're treated, and seeing how the relationship develops over time.