The Relationship Scorecard: Are You Paying Attention to the Right Things?

the point.

The goal is to ask yourself questions that you might not normally consider when you're caught up in how much you like somebody.

Because sometimes the most useful relationship advice isn't about finding an answer you don't know. It's about asking a question that makes you recognize something you've been overlooking.

1. Respect: Do You Feel Good About the Person You've Chosen?

I came across a question that immediately changed the way I thought about evaluating relationships.

"How would you feel if somebody said that they can tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen? Does that feel like an insult or a compliment?"

I think that's an incredible question.

Because your initial reaction can reveal something about how you feel about the person you're dating.

Are you proud of how they treat you? Do you admire the way they treat other people? Are they kind, considerate, and respectful?

Or do you immediately start thinking about things you've been trying to excuse?

I don't think you should choose a partner based on whether your friends approve of them or whether they make you look impressive. This isn't about somebody's job, appearance, popularity, or social status.

It's about character.

If you genuinely admire the person you're with, I think that's a really good sign.

And if you're regularly embarrassed by how they treat you or other people, it's worth asking yourself why you're willing to accept that behavior.

2. Emotional Security: Can You Actually Be Yourself?

I think one of the best feelings in a relationship is being completely comfortable around somebody.

You don't feel like you have to perform. You don't have to constantly think about whether you're saying the right thing, wearing the right outfit, or acting the way they want you to act.

You can just be yourself.

That doesn't mean you never feel insecure. Everybody has moments when they're worried about how somebody perceives them.

But generally, you should feel accepted by your partner.

Think about whether you're comfortable sharing something embarrassing, admitting you made a mistake, or talking about something that's been bothering you.

Do you trust that they'll listen without making you feel stupid?

The American Psychological Association's relationship resources explore the importance of healthy interpersonal connections and the ways relationships influence our well-being.

I think emotional security is a huge part of that.

A good relationship shouldn't require you to constantly prove that you're worthy of being loved.

3. Communication: Can You Work Through Something Difficult?

Here's something I think people overlook when evaluating their relationships.

It's easy to get along when everything is going well.

You're going on dates, having fun, laughing together, and enjoying each other's company.

But what happens when you disagree?

Maybe your partner does something that upsets you. Maybe you have different expectations about how much time you should spend together. Maybe one of you feels like the other hasn't been putting in enough effort.

Can you talk about those things?

And more importantly, can you talk about them without feeling like the entire relationship is at risk?

Research and guidance from The Gottman Institute on managing conflict explain why understanding recurring differences matters in long-term relationships.

I don't think you need to agree on everything. But you should be able to communicate your feelings, listen to each other, and work toward something better.

If you struggle with those conversations, I wrote about How To Bring Up Something That Bothers You Without Starting an Argument.

Because the goal isn't to avoid every disagreement. It's to know that when something goes wrong, you can handle it together.

4. Support: Are You Actually on the Same Team?

I love the idea that sometimes in a relationship, one person is running while the other is walking.

Because I think that's such an accurate description of what happens as you get older.

Maybe you're having an incredible year at work while your partner is struggling to find a job. Maybe they're achieving everything they've worked toward while you're feeling stuck.

You're not always going to be moving at the same pace.

And that's okay.

What matters is whether you're supporting each other.

Does your partner celebrate your accomplishments? Do they encourage you when you're struggling? Are they genuinely happy when something good happens to you?

And are you doing those same things for them?

Research on the Michelangelo Phenomenon examines how romantic partners can support each other's movement toward their ideal selves.

I think that's one of the most valuable things a relationship can offer.

You want somebody who's excited about the person you're becoming, even when your individual paths look a little different.

5. Overall Happiness: Does This Relationship Make Your Life Better?

I think this is where everything comes together.

Because ultimately, I think your relationship should be something that makes your life better.

Not perfect. Not completely free of stress or disagreements. But better.

When you think about the person you're with, do you feel excited about continuing to build something together?

Do you look forward to seeing them? Do you enjoy the ordinary moments, like getting dinner after work or spending a Sunday doing absolutely nothing?

And when something difficult happens, do you feel like you have somebody in your corner?

I wrote about this in How To Tell If A Girl Actually Likes You, because I think it's easy to become so focused on whether somebody is your forever person that you forget to ask whether you're happy with them right now.

You don't need to know what your relationship will look like 30 years from now.

But you should generally feel good about what it looks like today.

What If Your Relationship Doesn't Check Every Box?

Here's where I think it's important not to turn this framework into something unrealistic.

Nobody is going to be a perfect partner every single day.

There are going to be times when your communication isn't great, when somebody is stressed, or when you don't feel as connected as you normally do.

That doesn't automatically mean you're in the wrong relationship.

The important thing is whether you're dealing with a temporary problem or a consistent pattern.

Maybe you've been arguing more because you're both overwhelmed at work. That's something you can talk about and try to improve.

But if you consistently feel disrespected, unsupported, or unhappy, that's a different situation.

I explored that distinction in How To Know If A Relationship Is Worth Pursuing.

I think it's worth remembering that relationships require effort, but effort should lead somewhere.

You should feel like you're learning about each other and making progress, not having the same painful experience over and over again.

How to Use the Relationship Scorecard Without Overthinking Everything

I wouldn't recommend sitting down every Sunday and formally reviewing your relationship.

That sounds exhausting.

Instead, I think the Relationship Scorecard is most useful when you're questioning something.

Maybe you've been dating somebody for three months and you're trying to figure out whether you want to become exclusive. Maybe you've been together for two years and something hasn't felt right lately.

Rather than asking yourself whether they're the one, start with the five categories.

Do you respect them? Do you feel comfortable around them? Can you communicate? Do you support each other? Are you happy?

Try answering those questions based on how your relationship has actually been over time, rather than how you felt after one amazing date or one terrible argument.

And if something concerns you, get specific.

Instead of deciding that your communication is bad, identify what's happening. Maybe you feel like your partner interrupts you or dismisses your concerns.

That's something you can bring up and potentially work on together.

The point isn't to find flaws. It's to understand what you have and what might need attention.

And Here's The Thing

I think it's really easy to get caught up in how much you like somebody.

You love their personality, you're attracted to them, you have fun together, and you can't wait to see them again.

And I think those feelings are important.

But I don't think they tell you everything you need to know about whether somebody is right for you.

You also need to pay attention to how they treat you, how you feel about yourself when you're together, and whether the relationship is genuinely making your life better.

Because the person you choose to be with is going to influence so much of your everyday life.

They're going to be there when you're celebrating something incredible and when you're going through something you never expected.

I think you should feel proud of that person. You should feel comfortable with them. And you should know that even when things get difficult, you're on the same team.

You don't need a perfect scorecard.

But you should feel pretty good about the person you've chosen.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you evaluate whether a relationship is healthy?

Look at respect, emotional security, communication, mutual support, and whether the relationship generally makes your life better.

Is chemistry enough for a good relationship?

No. Chemistry matters, but healthy relationships also need trust, respect, compatibility, and communication.

What are the most important qualities in a partner?

Kindness, respect, emotional maturity, reliability, and a willingness to communicate and support each other.

Can you love someone who isn't right for you?

Yes. You can genuinely love somebody while recognizing that the relationship isn't healthy or compatible with your needs.

How do you know if you should stay in a relationship?

Consider how you're treated, whether you're generally happy, and whether both partners are willing to address problems and make meaningful changes.