Why Do I Take Ghosting So Personally?

Josh Felgoise (00:00.398)

Welcome to Guy's Set, the guy's guide to what you should be talking about. I'm Josh, I'm 23 years old, and I'm here to find all the tips, advice, and recommendations for guys in their 20s. Let's get into it.

Josh Felgoise (00:18.286)

Hi guys, welcome back to guyset, the guys guide to what should be talked about. And boy, do I have a fun one for you this week. If you are dating on the apps, hooking up in a situationship, in a relationship, whatever it may be, I think this one is gonna resonate with you. So when I started this podcast, I had this idea in mind to talk about the topics that should be talked about for guys. And that meant committing to speaking about the things that are uncomfortable and awkward and embarrassing.

in my own life and in guys lives in general with the goal in mind to make these things less awkward and uncomfortable by putting them out there and making them a part of everyday conversations. That is something that I have always been looking for in my life from somebody and I've said this before but there are tons of resources like this for girls where they can find people that are talking about these awkward and uncomfortable topics. So I'm here to do that and I guess the even bigger goal is that

by hearing me speak about them, then that'll lead you to hopefully feel comfortable to talk about your own experiences with this stuff with your own friends and not feel so weird or losery when these topics are on your mind and you can actually just talk about them openly. Because at the end of the day, we're all going through this stuff, but a lot of it we're just not talking about. So I guess my overall goal here is to just normalize some of this shit that we're all going through and create a platform where this stuff is gonna be talked about.

So that is why I wanted to start early in this podcast with this topic because this is a topic we don't talk about since we have this idea in our heads that it is embarrassing to admit when somebody stopped responding to you and that you got ghosted by somebody. So I thought I'd rip the bandaid off early and just kind of be real with you guys very early on. So you know what you're getting in this podcast. You know what you're getting from

the guest side, going to be a ton of great interviews with people who are going to give you really, really good advice. I'm also going to bring friends on that have more perspectives and different opinions from guys in their twenties. And then there's me and that's going to be this really honest and open side where I'm going to spill some shit and be real because we need more of that. So let's normalize these topics that we as guys feel

Josh Felgoise (02:41.995)

so weird or losery or embarrassed about and let's fucking get into it. So let's talk ghosting. And I'm going to talk about my experience getting ghosted. And this is one of many. This is just the most recent one. If you're listening to this podcast, you already know what ghosting is. But if you don't, this is guys sets mansplination number two, but ghosting is

When you're talking to someone, either you're gonna go on a date with them or you are currently dating them or you're just simply hooking up with them and they stop replying or if you stop replying without explanation, without anything, either they stop texting you, you stop texting them and it's over from there. First and foremost, it feels like our generation loves to ghost and that's probably for a lot of reasons but one of them I think being that it is simply easier for the person that is doing the ghosting

to drop the person without explanation, then have to send a text or explain why they no longer want to see them and deal with the confrontation and possible repercussions of that interaction. So before I get on my soapbox and tell you why I think you shouldn't ghost and that it's really bad and don't be a massive douchebag and blah, blah, blah. Let's be honest. I've done it before. I'm sure you have also done it before. It has happened to me. I'm sure it has also happened to you. And let's just get that out there first and foremost. I am

Far from perfect and I have done this before and I wish I hadn't but I have because in the moment it was easier to give no explanation and just stop replying than choosing the option of being the bigger person and explaining myself and the reasoning there. But we'll get into all that later. Don't you worry. I've got to start here by being honest and at the end of the day karma is a bitch and it has happened to me as well which you are about to hear about right now. So my most recent experience getting ghosted

And before I say any of this, this is by no means any shade to that girl. I actually liked her and wish it went further than it did. And if you hear this, text me. I'm just kidding. But anyway, I went on two dates with this girl. I thought they went really well. The first date I would describe as one of those dates that like you would hope for when you start dating somebody. It was just like instant chemistry, back and forth conversation. Neither of us felt uncomfortable if they're

Josh Felgoise (05:03.351)

was a break in conversation, but there just wasn't because we just had so much to talk about and say back and forth. Just like an immediate, like really great connection. For the first date, we went and got drinks, had really good conversations. I'll do an episode on ideas for first dates and conversation topics for a first date. But yeah, we got drinks, which is my ideal first date. Just met up during the week after work and just got to know each other.

Ended up having two drinks, I think, which by the way, I think is a good limit for a first date. I want to get too drunky on a first time meeting somebody and just had a really good time. And then for the second date, she said she likes tacos and I listened. So we got tacos and margaritas at this place by my apartment. And that also went really well. I feel like we got to know each other on a little bit of a deeper level. The conversations were really good and.

just flowed really well and there wasn't too much like awkward silence or awkward space and it honestly felt just as sparky as the first date which is definitely something I hope for and look for when dating someone because at the end of the day dating should be fun if it's not then you got to find a different person. I recently listened to this book called The Shift by Tynx who is a influencer and tiktoker

And she's in her 30s and gives advice to younger girls in their 20s and she talks about this idea of not future tripping she calls it which is thinking too far ahead about what could be and not thinking or looking at what is in front of you. So I wasn't thinking too far ahead since I have a tendency to do that about what the possibilities of this relationship could be or thinking about when I'll see her next in upcoming weeks but rather instead

just really enjoying the time I had with her in the moment, which I think is a really good mindset shift. And this is a concept or a mindset that I will bring with me into future dates or when I'm dating somebody next, because it's important to remain where you are and focus on what's actually in front of you instead of thinking about what could be or what will be or might be and just putting yourself into a spin cycle for no reason.

Josh Felgoise (07:08.009)

after the date we were texting a bit back and forth. went away for a weekend and we texted throughout that entire weekend. And then the following week she was pretty busy and then she was going away that weekend and it felt like it was kind of starting to fizzle out. So I followed up for the next week and she was busy again. So I was starting to get the feeling that it was either coming to an end or something was up, which by the way, no shit Sherlock. Obviously something was up or she would have put in a little bit more of an effort.

So I just kind of put the ball in her court and said, let me know when you're available. And then she never responded.

Josh Felgoise (07:44.143)

No, I'm kidding. All jokes aside, I honestly thought that was gonna go somewhere and I did feel like shit that she didn't respond and never followed up or never gave me an explanation, but it happens and I'm here to tell the tale. So after a day of hoping that she would respond and then another day of hoping that she would respond, I realized this was probably the end of the road for this one and say it with me this time, okay? No shit, Sherlock. And since I thought this was going so well, this kind of sent me on a spiral. Obviously I was upset about it. I was overthinking.

every little thing I had said and done, the ways I could have done something different or said something different. Maybe I should have texted back faster. Maybe I should have texted her less. Maybe she was put off by something I said during one of those dates or I wasn't a good enough texter and she didn't see this being a long-term thing. But then what about me makes me not a long-term thing. And each of these thoughts and each of these overthoughts just leads you down a another rabbit hole. As you just saw, I did right there of

thinking about you and thinking about all the negative things about yourself and just leads you into a very negative self-talk loop. But the truth of the matter is that this was not a reflection on me and more reflection on her. Now, wait a second, the salt shakers down. I'm not being salty. Just give me a second. Let me finish the thought. And this is a much bigger thought on ghosting in general and not just her. And because I have also been the ghost or so I am no better. The person doing the ghosting

didn't value you or your time enough to give you a reason as to why they stopped responding or as to why this was not going to go any further, which ultimately is more of a reflection on that person than on you because they decided to take the easy way out and not deal with the possible confrontation. So if that's the truth of the matter, then why should I be sitting here blaming myself for the fact that this ended or overthinking my actions or what I said?

And I think this applies to any relationship or situationship. If they cared enough about you, then they would at least give you a reason as to why this was no longer going to continue or why this was ending. I would so much rather get a text, hi, I had a really great time with you, but I don't see this going any further. I wish you all the best. That to me just shows that they valued you and the time you spent together. And I feel like it's such a sign of maturity if you can do that.

Josh Felgoise (10:06.829)

But that's not easy because you really don't know how that person's going to respond. So overall, feel like ghosting is less so about the person that it's being done to and more about the immaturity of the person that is doing the ghosting. Someone could easily click on this topic and think, God, what a loser for getting ghosted or damn, is he salty for that? Not ending the way he wanted it to. But in reality, this happens to people. Dating is fucking hard and it's a numbers game and

At the end of the day, you have to put yourself out there in order to get anything in return. And sometimes that means getting ghosted or having a bad dating experience or having a good dating experience that turns into a bad one. I also really do believe that you learn so much in every dating experience or through every date, whether it's about a new restaurant or a new drink spot or something new you learn about yourself through the conversation. But I want to stress that

Don't take this upon your character or yourself that you're an undateable person because somebody decided not to give you a reason as to why they stopped responding. And I also need to practice what I preach a bit more too because these are all feelings I've had and worked through myself. But to avoid making somebody else feel like shit, if you have been dating somebody or seeing somebody that you're, you no longer want to be seeing,

send a quick text and I laid out an example a bit ago but I think the framework goes something like hi or hey I had a really great time with you or I really enjoyed the time we spent together but I just don't see this going any further and I wish you well or I wish you all the best or hey I had a really fun time with you but I'm not looking to date seriously right now or hi had a great time with you but I'm seeing somebody else and I'd like to see that through

I think any of these variations or whatever spin you want to put on it, it's just so much nicer than never giving somebody a reason. These quick texts apply, of course, more to if you've gone on a few dates or you've hooked up a couple of times or something like a quick situationship, obviously a long term relationship or more dates requires a little bit more than a quick text. As I said, dating is fucking hard. Putting yourself out there to try to meet somebody

Josh Felgoise (12:25.249)

is a really vulnerable and embarrassing thing to do inherently. At the bare bones of it, you are randomly meeting a stranger and basically testing one another to see if you like each other. You are putting yourself out there talking about your job, your friends, your hobbies, your interests, your living situation, all just very personal things, and basically putting them on a table for a stranger to make an opinion about.

for them then to decide if they are into that or they can see themselves fitting into that. And when they don't, or when they stop responding, that hurts. That feels like shit when somebody decides they're no longer into it. But in order to find a significant other, you've got to put yourself in the positions where this type of shit is a possibility and fail hard. But again, don't take these experiences that may not have ended in your favor.

like a stain on your character or something so intense anybody out there that's listening to this and Is in the dating game knows that not every experience is going to end so well and sometimes that means falling on your fucking face and If you're not dating and you want to start and this part of it scares you that is totally understandable But know that there is somebody here that is also trying to make it work a bad date or a situation ship or

few dates that ended up not going in your favor. It doesn't mean that we just give up and that we're a failure. But what we do is we get back up and we try it again. Maybe we take a quick break, give it a week or so, give it two weeks, give it a month, whatever you need, and then go try again. I hope me sharing this makes you feel a little more comfortable or less embarrassed if this has happened to you. You can feel free to talk about this stuff with your friends. The odds are it has also happened to them.

And if you have been the ghost, you are not a bad person. I have also done it. But when it happens to you, it is so incredibly different. And now I have learned and I hope this encourages you not to do this and to give somebody a reason or a quick response and make that more mature decision instead of taking the easy way out. As I said, it doesn't have to be anything too long, but something.

Josh Felgoise (14:41.239)

short and sweet that gives you a reason whatever it may be and just wishes them well. And this does not pertain to every situation. Of course, there are going to be some situations that something bad may have happened and you don't have to speak to that person ever again if that's how you feel. If you are out there dating and on the apps, just know that we're all in this. We're all dealing with all this shit out here. And I want you to know that this is a place you can come and hear some stuff that's going to be honest and

embarrassing and uncomfortable, but I think it's important to be doing this. this becomes a more normalized topic. This becomes less embarrassing. And remember not to take any of these rejections so intensely to heart. It's going to happen and it's happened to all of us. I'll definitely talk about dating more in future episodes because I think that is a big topic that isn't being talked about enough for guys in their twenties. I also plan on bringing in people who have different experiences with dating or have different opinions than me when it comes to dating.

or are in a relationship currently or just got out of a relationship that can give a lot of different perspectives and opinions on these topics. This topic of ghosting is really just scratching the surface of the broader topic of dating and dating advice in general. So keep coming back because we're going to get into this in future episodes of this podcast. think it's really important to talk about. So if you want to be featured on an episode, reach out to my email, josh at guyset.com, j-o-s-h at guiset.com.

or DM me at the guy set T H E G U I S E T on Instagram or Tik Tok and we'll make it happen. If you liked this podcast, I really hope you did. Please give it five stars and leave a review and send any questions, topics, things you want me to talk about or things that just should be talked about to my email. Josh at guyset.com J O S H at G U I S E T.com and I'll be sure to talk about it. shit. Sorry. I think I forgot to say to leave this podcast five stars and our positive review.

Thank you guys so much for listening and I'll see you guys next Friday. See you guys.