Why Do I Get Scared to Commit?

Josh Felgoise (00:00.204)

Welcome to Guy's Set, a guy's guide to what should be talked about. I'm Josh, I'm 24 years old, and I'm here to find all the tips, advice, and recommendations for everything you're wondering about. Let's get into it.

Josh Felgoise (00:17.582)

And we're back. Hi guys. Welcome back to guys said a guy's guide to what should be talked about. I think one of the things that is really cool about our generation being a part of Gen Z is that we are considered the oversharing generation. And what that means is we really don't like leave everything, anything off the table. We pretty much share everything we have the internet at our disposal and tick tock and Instagram and every form of social media to share our opinion and our thoughts.

And really anything going on in our lives with anybody that wants to watch or anybody that will watch and all of our friends and all of our family and anybody in the world, like the access to truly anybody is really unparalleled from other generations to ours. And I think it's pretty incredible. Also scary as fuck, but pretty incredible at the same time. And I've seen a few videos on social media recently, TikTok and Instagram of people sharing their experiences with.

anxiety and depression. That's not what this episode is about whatsoever, but I wanted to bring that up because that's the preface for this episode. And the reason that I'm doing this one this week is because the fact that people are so willing to share their experiences so openly and widely for anybody to see, I find it really incredible. I think it's the best side of social media and Tik Tok has this feature that allows people to make videos that are up to 10 minutes long now.

which is basically a small podcast in different format. It's just somebody putting their phone up and talking to the camera for 10 minutes. And as I said, it's really the most like positive side of social media outside of sending each other hysterical memes and like sending each other like random shit back and forth, which is another amazing part of social media. But I feel like social media gets a lot of flack for like the mental health crisis and a lot of other things that it has affected and hurt a lot. But there's this other side of it where people are sharing their experiences. And at the end of the day, there's probably like a big cycle into like

mental health problems into social media, into mental health sharing, how to get out of those problems and how I'm working on it into mental health problems again, and into social media. like, that's probably a big circle, but the fact of the matter is it exists. We have it. It's part of our daily lives. We're using it every day. So why not use it for good and use it for things that you think could be helpful. And I'm seeing a lot of people do what I'm doing now and just like sharing stuff and sharing experiences and things they're going through.

Josh Felgoise (02:33.92)

in hopes that it will help somebody else. And that's kind of like the premise of a lot of the videos that I've been seeing, especially like last month was Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and Mental Health Month. So I'm seeing a lot of those videos and I think it's amazing. And it's absolutely incredible to share that type of like vulnerability online, just especially when people are willing to go deeper and willing to share the real shit going on in their lives. I think it's really cool. And from watching all those videos recently, I've kind of determined that vulnerability is one of the biggest strengths.

And if you have the ability and the bravery to share a story or an experience or an anecdote and the fearlessness to put it out into the world, hoping or thinking that it could help somebody else, like you could create a connection that you never know about and you could really help someone. like, I think that's one of the biggest strengths and one of the biggest powers of the access we all have to each other today. And like, that's the goal of a of, a lot of what I do here. And I try to make the uncomfortable comfortable. And I try and make the topics that are.

Really like not talked about or just weird to talk about for guys and taboo for guys to talk about like the one I'm about to talk about on this episode into topics that people feel comfortable talking about and having conversations about and Thinking through their feelings and feeling through their feelings and again, I'm not like some like incredibly altruistic person I don't believe that about myself I like to do nice things and I try and do nice things whenever I can but that is one of the goals of doing this every single week like if something I say on here resonates with somebody like that's kind of the goal and

That's what I've seen from a lot of these people on TikTok and a lot of these people on Instagram. And I just think it's a really cool thing about our generation. You could say it's these people that like don't give a fuck about sharing everything or what people think about them. But at the end of the day, like everybody cares, but everybody thinks about them to some extent. Like some people just care less than others. That's true. But deep down, everybody cares a little bit about what everyone thinks about them and being able to put out a vulnerable topic or a vulnerable story.

is strength and is power and is a superpower. And recently on this podcast, I've had some amazing guests on that are sharing incredibly vulnerable experiences. I'm going to just find the episode titles and numbers so you can listen back to them. Because if you haven't yet, they're really some of the best stuff that I've put out or some of the best episodes I've put out. One of them was episode 63. was it's called therapy with Gabe Fennell is one of my friends that came on and talked about his experience with going to therapy and his experience with anxiety and depression. And it is an unbelievable episode. And it's just like a

Josh Felgoise (04:54.764)

true display of bravery and, vulnerability and being able to put that out into the world, especially when you're talking about anxiety, the anxiety behind that is real and is, it's just a strength to be able to do that. And the other one I put out, it was last week's episode, it's episode 67 called founding companies and finding yourself with Griff O'Brien. And Griff talks about his, his amazing rise to becoming a CEO of this company. but he also talks about throughout college, his experience with substance abuse and addiction.

And he talks about his experience going to rehab, which is just a really cool, not cool. That's not the right word, but just a really brave thing to do and put out into the world and hope that it helps someone. And I realized in doing those episodes and looking back at the, this like catalog of things I've been putting out, I realized I hadn't been doing that in a long time. And that's kind of been the point of this podcast. and I hadn't been putting out a lot of those like vulnerable experiences or those, those are vulnerable, like feelings that I've had.

Which again is the point of doing this. But I developed a lot of doubt and anxiety from sharing a lot of personal stuff on here. So I just kind of took a step back from that. And then I had an amazing guests who are doing it. And then I was like, well, I'm not doing that. Like how am I, how can I put these episodes out and not be doing that? And I think we can flate the two things of oversharing and vulnerability and both things can be true at once. Like, yes, some people overshare too much.

But I think that also is a superpower, being able to share experiences with people and hope that they can relate or putting your experiences out there for people to attach themselves to or like attach onto and be like, if that person can share that thing and then I should feel more normal about that. Or if that, like if that guy, Gabe shared his experience with his anxiety and getting your mental health in order is your own job. So if you're not doing that, who else is going to? And the answer is nobody. So.

Being able to share that on here was just really incredible and I'm just endlessly inspired by people who can do that and it inspired me to come back to the roots of doing that and start putting a little bit more of my shit out there. By my shit I mean my vulnerable conversations and the kind of point of doing this in the first place and trying to then develop real advice through those experiences that you can bring into your own life.

Josh Felgoise (07:18.06)

And your own experiences and we'll also hopefully help you. think there's two parts to it. One is sharing an experience. The other is actually giving the tactical advice and the tactical tips to set your own life in order or set your own experience in order. because that's what I do. And I listened to podcasts, I look for those tips as well. And I look for what that person did to figure out that situation or figure out their mindset about that situation. And then I apply that to my own life. If it works for me.

Or if I at least try it and see if it works for me and I'm gonna set out to do what I wanted to do which was create a guy's guide to your 20s and talk about the uncomfortable and the taboos that become less uncomfortable and less taboo I gotta do that. So without further ado, and if you made it this far into the episode I am now going to overshare about a recent experience I had with commitment so I've been seeing this girl for a little while now and I haven't brought a relationship or anything on here in a long time or just like my dating stories on here in a long time because

When I did, stepped in a lot of shit from doing that and the shit stayed on my shoe for a little while. So I avoided doing it for a little while until there was something to say until there was like a real conversation to be had. And I think it is now the case. And this story and this experience just feels worth sharing because I'm sure a lot of you listening feel this way or have felt this way sometime before or maybe now or might in the future soon. So.

I think I'm a bit of a commitment-phobe, and what that means is a funny way of saying I'm afraid to commit to something. And I've worked my feelings out enough to bring them on here, which took me a lot of time and processing and a lot of writing, as all the behind-the-scenes things that you don't see and no one really shows or shares, if you don't talk about it or share it. And I know this is not necessarily an attractive label to put upon myself.

But I want to break down for you why I say that and why I feel that way. So I knew I really liked this girl and I have been holding myself back from taking it to the next step for a little while now for fear of many things. For fear of it not working out and us then just becoming exes and never speaking again. For fear of me not being able to commit more time than I already have been to this situationship or relationship, whatever you want to call it. And I guess just overall fear of failure and it

Josh Felgoise (09:37.218)

just not working out. And in this feeling, which I had for a little while of like not knowing if I want to take this to the next level or I do, I started to like kind of feel that I didn't think it was fair to her to leave it in this limbo period of like, what are we? What is this? Are we exclusive? Are we dating? I just feel like it's all very confusing and convoluted for no reason. And it's just not streamlined at all. And I don't think it needs to be that way. But our generation has made it that way.

So first you're hooking up and you're in the texting period and then you're seeing each other and now you're in a situation chip and you're dating because you're literally going on dates. So by the definition of the word dating, you're dating, but because you haven't asked the person out, you're not officially dating. And also during this time, you both may potentially be seeing other people and also texting and getting with other people because you haven't made that official or clear that you're exclusive at the moment.

And then you have a conversation about becoming exclusive, but by the way, you're still not dating because you haven't asked the person out, even though you're not getting with anybody else and you're exclusive. And then at some point soon, you have to ask about starting dating. Do you want to be officially official? Like, do you want to be my girlfriend? I'd like to be my girlfriend, all that stuff. It's so fucking confusing for so many reasons. And there's just so many steps and things to do and hoops to jump through. Like, why have we done that to ourselves and why have we made it so fucking confusing? Like, it's just crazy.

It's a lot, like this is a lot. And what I say to all that is don't let the process get in the way of the progress. If all of that scares you and you don't know what to do or you don't want to go through all of that, it's all up to you. You don't have to go through all of that. It's your timeline and it's your relationship. No one else's. It's not your last relationship or the one before that. It's not her last relationship or the one before that. This one's new.

It's not something that needs to be on anyone else's timeline or schedule except for your own. So if none of that works for you, you don't have to do it all. And if that does work for you, then keep doing that. But if it doesn't work for you to go through every single Marvel phase of phase one, phase two, phase three, phase four of relationship, then you don't have to do that either. Like it's truly whatever works for you. And I think I got caught in all of that and just like, what are we, what's going on? Are we exclusive? Are we not? we to

Josh Felgoise (12:02.666)

in a situation ship is a relationship are we dating are we hooking up like what the fuck is going on and where is my head at because I was just in between all of that and in the past I feel like I've gotten into things quicker than I was ready for because I thought that was the way you're supposed to do it and that's the way it's supposed to be done and I've ended up asking out a lot quicker than I was ready for or ready to commit for not in a cheating way I would literally never ever do that but I think commitment is also like a willingness to communicate and make yourself available and

sacrifice other commitments and be also just be able to commit your time and your energy to that person. I think that's all a part of being able to commit and if you're not ready to do all of that, then that's okay too. Then you can stay in that situation to exclusive level or phase and whatever works for you. It really like is all up to you. I just wanted to make sure I knew I was ready to commit to something before jumping into it head first because I think that's only fair to me as well as to her or same for you or anybody else you're seeing. I think that is the way that it's the most fair.

if you're able to make yourself available and willing to communicate your things and if you're willing to commit your time and communicate with that person and I don't think it's leading somebody on if you're not sure yet. I actually think it's more mature if you make sure you're ready to commit before you actually do. I actually rather think that's respectful and taking your time and doing things and moving on them when you feel ready and comfortable is a sign of maturity and respect.

And obviously I'm not saying that in like a selfish way that it's it's all up to you It's not up to that person at all like you should be communicating that which I'll talk about in a second to the other person To make this work the best it can be But I also do think in a selfish way you should make sure you're ready to go into it before you dive headfirst into something and move quicker and rush into it before your feelings are fully filled out and before your thoughts are fully thought out and

you move quicker than you're actually ready for, which could just lead to anxiety and worry about the relationship. So I think it's important to know where your head is at before you commit. And I say that while also saying that doubt is okay and fear is okay and anxiety is okay. There is going to be that in any situationship or relationship no matter what. But confidence is important too. Trust is important too. And belief is important too. It's two sides to the same coin.

Josh Felgoise (14:20.876)

Confidence is heads while anxiety is tails. Trust is heads while doubt is tails. Belief is heads while fear is tails. Both are important to have with you in anything you do and will be there no matter what you do or say about it. But I think it's important to make sure that the coin is more on the side of heads than tails when going into this. It's important that you have confidence and trust and belief that this is going to work and you're going to give it your best shot.

My point in saying all of this is do things when you feel it's right and not when other people have done them. Do things when you feel you're ready to and not when you feel like you're supposed to. And I think the next question I'm going to ask and then answer myself is a different answer for every single person that has ever been asked this question. And I've asked a couple of my friends this too and I've gotten all different answers and it's when did you know it was right or how did you know it was right? Like how did you know you're ready to go into a relationship?

And it's hard to put into words, but I'm going to do my best with it. And I think it's a feeling when you're thinking about the person in the morning and in the middle of the day and at work and before bed and in bed, not in that way, but I guess also in that way, both, when you're missing them, when you're wishing you were with them and they were with you thinking of plans and wanting to do them together when it's not about the anxiety of what are we going to do tonight? And is the plan going to be fun enough and more about when am I going to get to see them? And when am going to get to to hang out with them?

It doesn't really matter what we do as long as we're hanging out together. When the conversation is good and when there's not a lot of blank space in the talking, but when there is, it's okay. So that's how I describe when I think I know it's right and when I think I feel it's right. It's a really hard thing to put into words. I think it's different for every single person. So I did my best and I wrote all of that out. And I'm sure if I asked you or anybody listening to this right now, when they knew it was right or when they knew their relationship was ready to go to the next level or take it to the next level.

their answer would be would be completely different. And the last part I said was when the conversation is good and when there's not a lot of blank space in the conversation or in the talking, but when there is it's okay. And I think that's the difference to me between a good date and a good feeling of a good date of like, this is going well and I want to see them again versus this is going really well. And I'd like to take it to the next level is to me, the sign of a good date is when the conversation is really sparky, meaning like

Josh Felgoise (16:44.8)

You're lighting a spark back and forth, but never fully lighting it because neither person is fully holding the sparkler for too long. It's just back and forth, back and forth of lighting this back up. And when the conversation doesn't have a lot of lulls or dull moments, I believe that's really important early on in a relationship. But as you get more into the relationship and down the road into more dates and seeing this person more often, what becomes more important to me is feeling comfortable in the silence or not feeling awkward in those lulls.

not feeling like you need to fill those awkward moments because you trust that they feel good in it too. It's a confidence that you develop over time. And I wanted to make sure that I gave myself those times and those moments and those feelings before committing to something. And the way I did that was just with time and seeing those moments and feeling them and also writing out my thoughts. I try to write myself every night. I miss a lot, but it really gets all my thoughts out.

And I don't really read them back because I don't find that necessary. But the act of just putting the pen to paper and putting my thoughts out in front of me keeps them from endlessly swirling around in my head and puts them out into the world and in front of my eyes. Like I get to read them or see them and they're real now. Like they're not they're not just things that I think or I'm confused about it. It's a way that I'm able to organize the way I'm feeling and thinking. And I couldn't recommend it more. Spend some time with your thoughts.

I don't think we give ourselves enough time to just let our thoughts flow and just like let our feelings feel. We're so inundated on a day to day basis with all of our daily lives of going to work, our boss's message, our email inbox, our family, our friends, our social life, our upcoming plans, going out, making plans, trying to go on a date, which is all part of it, trying to make dinner, go to the gym.

Do laundry fold the laundry like there's so many things you have to do I'm missing so many things throughout that you have to do throughout the day Doctors appointments. I've totally forgot by the way about there's all these doctor women's I was supposed to go to and I just like haven't done in little while which is really bad I'll talk about that on another episode And if you're hearing this and you haven't gone to the dentist in a while or the eye doctor or any doctor for that matter You should probably do that because I came to the realization that I hadn't done it in a while So this is this is that PSA I'll do I'll do more on that sometime soon

Josh Felgoise (19:06.072)

But we don't give ourselves enough time to just be with our thoughts, go on a walk to think, lay in bed and let your thoughts run for a little while, and maybe talk to a friend about it and hear what they have to say when you tell them how you're feeling, which is also a very hard thing to do, but that's what your friends are for and I guarantee you have at least one friend who has experienced something pretty similar, who has felt something pretty similar or a similar feeling.

But at end of the day, after you've had these conversations with friends or you've talked to people and heard advice or you've just kind of let your thoughts fly freely, you know how you're feeling. I believe that in your gut you know what's right and what you're gonna do next, no matter what. And it's normal to be nervous. It's normal to have doubt and it's normal to have anxiety and uncertainty. I absolutely do, but that's not stopping me from trying. This whole thing and dating and relationships is all about trying and giving it

your best effort and figuring it out as you go and learning from mistakes and learning from the things you do well and the things you don't do well and just giving it a shot. It really is just the best we can do. And then the other piece of advice I have about this topic and getting your mindset right and making sure your thoughts are clear and your intentions are clear is having an honest conversation with that person. Kind of a pour your heart out conversation where you let them know how you're feeling.

Which is a very hard thing to do, might I add, and something I've never really been able to do before. But I think the fact that I was able to is a sign that I'm growing up and getting a little bit mature finally, that I'm able to now do that. And it's a conversation where you let them know like, I really like you, but I'm not sure about the next step or the future or literally next week or what comes next. The future, I don't even know what I'm doing next week. So that's, I don't really want to mess this up and I don't want taking this to the next step.

to mess it up or I'm afraid of committing and hurting this or hurting you. And this is an incredibly hard thing to do. Like this conversation is not easy for anybody. I don't think this would be easy for anybody. could find, you could find me the most competent person in the world. And I think this like heart to heart conversation would still be hard for that person. And this conversation is also really hard because of the other side of the coin. It's the, really like you and I want to tell you how I feel.

Josh Felgoise (21:22.21)

but I'm afraid that it will scare you off and I'm afraid that you may not feel the same way as I feel. So there's two sides there. The one is like, I'm afraid to commit and there's also like, I don't know if you want to commit, but how do you ever know this stuff if you never have a conversation about it? Like how do know the way the other person feels if you never bring it up or never sit down with this person? And I think this is one of the best ways to start a relationship and this brings me back to the start of our conversation today that vulnerability is your strength, undeniably.

If you have the ability to put your thoughts into words and share them with someone in a way that puts aside all of the doubt, anxiety, and fear, and even with all that doubt, anxiety, and fear, you still do it. The way that person responds will tell you everything you need to know. How they react will tell you more about them as a person than all of your worries, thoughts, and fears combined.

Talking out these feelings, I believe is the best and probably the only way to make sure that you're both on the same page and giving that person this part of you, I think is really important. This type of vulnerability is like giving them the key to unlock the lock. And if you're going to commit to that person, don't you want them to see that part of you? The unsure, the uncertain, the part that you keep locked? It may not be the most attractive or the most exciting.

but it is by far the most real you have. It's okay to not be completely sure. I don't think anybody ever really is, like in anything. I think there's always that doubt, that anxiety, that fear that is in the back of everybody's head in anything. I'm specifically talking about relationships and situationships in this episode, so I'll stick with that. But I really do think that there's always a question or two about what's gonna happen next in every relationship and...

I think that will remain for everybody. So I think it's okay to have that piece of uncertainty in your head and the uncertainty of if I'll be able to commit or if I'm able to sacrifice all the time that is required of a relationship or if I'm able to be as vulnerable as necessary as it is for relationship and have these kind of really hard conversations that I've never had before or pour my heart out and pull my pants. I mean that in like the, I mean that in a talking way, not in a pull.

Josh Felgoise (23:39.052)

You get what I'm trying to say, but the poor your I'll go back to pour your heart out you the pour your heart out part of the relationship and the honesty and the vulnerability that it requires like That's scary and that's like I don't think anybody's ready for that. I don't think anybody is Knows if they're ready for it, but I think if you find the person that It comes easy for you and it's it feels a little bit more natural then that's a good indication and a good sign of that person is probably

a person you should keep riding the wave with and a person you should keep seeing and continuing the relationship with. And I just don't think anybody will ever be fully certain. And I will be fully honest with you and say like, I'm not fully certain. I don't know. I'm I'm I'm 24 years old. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing like most of the time. And all I can try and do and the best I can do is to try and learn from experiences and grow from mistakes and build confidence from those experiences. And

Pour my heart out because that's that's what I have and like that's what I'm best at So that's what I will keep doing and that's the only way I know to keep doing it and I'll try and be a little bit nicer to myself and I'll try to have less anxiety about putting this stuff out there into the world and I really hope this resonated with you because This is a lot for me to put out like I know I do this as it's a podcast about this exact topic, but like there's still

Uncertainty putting these episodes out there like I know when I listen back to this I'm gonna be like should I release this like should I put this out and then tomorrow morning when I wake up and it's out I'm gonna be like fuck should I delete that like it's a lot to Fucking pull your pants down to everybody about how you're feeling about things But I as I said I really do believe vulnerabilities of strength that I'm working on sharing more of that with you because what else is the point of this and I'll just finish my statement before I get anxious enough and don't put this out, but it's okay

Okay to not be completely sure and I think it's almost impossible to be fully sure but as long as the coin is on the side of confidence and trust it's a better place to start than the other way around. That is the episode. Thank you so much. Listen to guys that a guy's guide to what should be talked about. I'm Josh. I'm 24 years old and every week I come on here and try to give you my best tips my best advice and find the best tips and advice and have conversations that I believe should be talked about for guys in their 20s exactly like this one.

Josh Felgoise (25:57.482)

If you liked this episode, really hope you did please like subscribe and give this podcast five stars and leave a review that's one two, three, four, five at the top of the podcast page or every listening Spotify, Apple podcasts. I don't care as long as you give a review and a five stars. really appreciate that. If you anything, let me just talk about anything that should be talked about sent to my DMS, my email or on Reddit R slash guy set R slash GUI SET or my email is.

josh at guyset.com, j-o-s-h at guiset.com. But if it's easier to say it anonymously, the Reddit is great, or to my DMs at the guyset, t-h-e-g-u-i-s-e-t on all social medias. If there is a topic that you would like me to address or bring on here, or somebody, guest, or somebody you think would be great for this, please let me know. I really, really appreciate it, and that's the best way that I can have the conversations that I think should be talked about. Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you guys next Tuesday. See you guys.