Sleeping Together and Mixed Signals, Dear Guyset

Welcome back to another dear guyset episode where I answer the questions that guys are asking. Whether that's a situation, a situationship, a relationship, really anything you want advice on and I answer them to the best of my abilities. I do these episodes once a month, every third week of the month and as always, I am no expert in any of this. I am just a 25 year old guy

going through this alongside you and sharing what I have learned so far and what I continue to learn. I think it's incredibly important that guys share the questions they have or what they're going through, what they're working through, because it's the only way that anybody else knows that you're not alone in it and you're not the only one experiencing that. And I think it's the foundation that Gaiset is built on sharing the questions that guys are asking and also sharing advice or different perspectives on those

topics or those situations so you can apply them to your situation so you can kind of like think about it through somebody else's perspective and use it to inform your own and chances are if you have a question or if one guy has a question thousands if not millions upon millions of other guys also have that question and are also looking for advice on that topic so sharing these kinds of things and like opening the vault of the questions that guys have

is super important. think there's a massive value in just opening that vault and like sharing it all because nobody else is really doing it and guys have a lot of questions and there's nowhere to really find the answers to them and I think this is just proof of that. And if anything, it's just comforting to know that somebody has been there before, is there now or might be there in the future. So

When I answer these questions, it's potentially how I have done it before, how I would do it if I was in that position or how I probably would if I was there soon or if I'm going to be there in the future. And I hope you can use the perspective I give or the advice I give to inform your situation, or at least I hope it's helpful to hear it talked out or talked through by somebody else. So let's get into it.

Josh Felgoise (02:37.826)

I start every Dear Guy set episode by answering a question that I mentioned at the end of the last one as kind of like a cliffhanger. the first question is, when can I ask to sleep together? I'm also going to combine that with another question that I got this month that is how do I know if she's ready to sleep together? Because I think I can answer both of those questions in like a combined answer. And I think this is a question that

Every single guy walking this planet right now has had at one point or another I think this is like an age-old question I think it's almost as big of a question as do I have a big enough penis? No pun intended like I feel like every guy has those two questions like when and I'm not we're not like that simple-minded I think a lot of guys are really simple-minded, but like it's sorry I didn't mean to offend everybody listening to this podcast right now, but you know what I mean like

those are thoughts that go through our head. Those are thoughts that go through a lot of people's heads, like both heads, you know? So the questions being when can you sleep together or is she ready to sleep together? How do I know if she's to sleep together? And is my penis big enough? Like those are the questions that guys have. Those are like the big questions. How did the world start? Is there a God? And is my penis big enough? Not to get sidetracked.

To answer the question, how do I know if she's ready to sleep together or like when can I ask to sleep together? The answer or my advice on it, my perspective varies relationship to relationship. Like I just think that this is not a black and white question. There is no one answer to this because it depends upon when you both feel comfortable, like when you are ready to go into that, when you're ready to do that.

And of course there are differences with like a one night stand and someone you're seeing on dates or going out with. So I'm going to answer this question as if it is for somebody that you are dating or somebody that you are seeing and like seeing consistently. I don't think that there is like a hard and fast rule that you can set to like after three dates or after four dates like

Josh Felgoise (04:50.81)

I think there are some girls that are ready and down after like two dates and I think there are some girls it takes till like seven dates to be ready and like wanting to do that. So I don't think you can set or expect that like after three dates like it's go time. Like no, like I just think it really depends upon the relationship and having the expectation that it's supposed to happen after a certain amount of dates I think is a bad expectation. Like I think that should be something that we all try and clear from our headspace that like it

should happen or we want it to happen after an ex, like a certain amount of date, I think that's a bad pressure to set or a bad precedent to set on any new relationship or any new situationship. So I think like try and clear that out from your headspace as soon as possible in any new thing that you're in or any new person that you're seeing because it really just depends and you're like...

just setting yourself up for an unrealistic expectation that you may not meet and then you're gonna feel like you messed something up or you feel like you missed the mark or you didn't say the right thing or you didn't do the right thing or you feel let down or you feel this like...

pressure and that's the last thing you want here because there's already enough pressure on a new relationship or a new situationship when you like someone, when you just start seeing someone. You don't need to add more pressure as to like we have to hook up by this time like no and that also kind of sets like a unreal or unrealistic and unfair precedent or expectation for her like she's not the same as the last girl you saw or this could be the first girl you're ever seeing like

It's just different from person to person and you can't expect or you shouldn't expect it. You shouldn't expect it ever. Like that is also something that I want to say. Like you shouldn't expect that anybody owes you this or you should do like, it's just not something that you can expect. It is something that happens when you get more comfortable and when you're, you want to do it. Like I think that I think everybody wants to have sex. think everybody wants to hook up and I think every relationship, I mean, yeah, like duh, like everybody wants to have sex and everybody wants to do that.

Josh Felgoise (06:54.194)

But only when you're really comfortable, like only when you guys are really comfortable with each other. And I think that takes time. I think it takes more time for some and less time for others. Just depends really what you're looking for and how you feel around the person. So just take that pressure off, take the expectation off. I think the best thing to do is when you start to like hook up or when you're getting to that

time when you're back at your apartment or her apartment or whatever you wherever you are and you are hooking up or you're making out or whatever. I think the best thing to ask is, is this okay? Or is this good? Are you comfortable with this? Like these are all questions that are good to ask and we should normalize like we should be asking these questions. These are great things for guys to say because it just makes the girl feel more comfortable.

It makes her feel like you care about her, that you're sensible and sensitive to the situation and you're not just like rushing into things or you're not there for the wrong reasons. Like you may think like asking questions makes it less sexy or like makes this like all less appealing. Actually, I think it's the latter. Like I think asking questions makes it sexier. Like I think it makes you more appealing to ask questions, to be caring, to be making sure that she's comfortable, making sure that she feels good in all of this.

I'm a big supporter in making sure somebody is feeling good and feeling comfortable as you start to hook up or as you start to like progress into things. And I think that actually gives them an opportunity to let you know how they're doing and how they're feeling because she might say like, yeah, like, yeah, or like she might say like, no, like, I actually like, let's not do this tonight or like, let's let's do this next time or like, I'm not ready yet. Or it gives her the opportunity to let you know exactly how she's feeling.

And you know, like it takes you out from the roller coaster you have in your head of like, is this right? Is this good? Am I doing this right? Does she want to do this? Is it all the questions that we have in our head of like, is she ready? Does she want to do this by asking by like creating like a real conversation around this that like is a good thing. Like we we should that should be something that everybody does. And it makes it so much easier for her and for you because.

Josh Felgoise (09:09.455)

Everybody knows it's out in the air. It's it's open as to what everybody wants to do What everybody's comfortable with and she might say that she's not ready and of course you will respect that because you're a good guy because you listen to this podcast and I of course like anybody should respect that like that's very important when somebody says I'm already like yeah, okay, like totally makes sense and It gives you like a

pulse check as things are starting to progress, it gives you more answers than the constant barrage of questions that you have in your head, wondering if things are going well, like you actually have a way to get the answer right in front of you if things are going well. Like, it's so funny that like, because this is an eye like I'm the same way, like, everybody has all these questions, but like the answers are right in front of you if you just ask a lot of the time and

We think that we aren't supposed to or we think we shouldn't because it makes the experience weirder. But like, no, I think it's the complete opposite here. And I think that by talking and by being open and asking questions, like you just make the whole thing better. By actually asking and not just assuming, you like solve all of your problems here.

And it stops you from having to overthink and worry and feel anxious and ask yourself all of these questions. This is the best way to know. So ask, talk, and just be real, like be honest. This is both of your first time with each other. So it's always better to make sure you're both comfortable and sure of yourselves and excited and like, you know what I mean? Like,

This is supposed to be fun. This is supposed to be good. And it's always going to be awkward at first. It's always gonna be a little weird at first. But the best way to ease that tension and make it a little less awkward is to talk and be real about this whole thing. And I don't know if that would be everybody's advice, but it is mine. And I think it is good advice here. And I would have liked to hear that advice before. So that's why I'm sharing it with you.

Josh Felgoise (11:15.323)

And I also think that like you will know when someone's ready and I know that's an annoying answer. Like I know that's like, like you will know like, okay, come on. But I do think that's true. And a lot of the time when you stop overthinking, when you get out of your head and into here and you're like on the date or on your couch or hanging out and like things are starting to progress like you know, but I think you should ask like, is this okay? Is this okay? Is a great thing to ask.

There's never a bad thing that can come from saying, are you good? Like, is this OK? Are you comfortable? Those are just like, how could that go badly? OK, the next question is. What does you think? Wait, what does you think it means? OK, this probably meant what do, but what does you think it means if she seems interested on a date but is a really bad texture? I'm going to rephrase that by saying.

What do you think it means if she seems interested on a date but is a really bad texter? I think this is a case of you interpreting interest versus the actual interest. So it's like interpreted interest versus actual interest. There's the there's two things here, two things at play. And I'm not saying this necessarily means that like she's not interested. She could also just be slow to respond like

Ultimately, I think some people are just slower texters. They're not on their phone as much. A lot of people are always on their phones. And if somebody is a bad texture, just means they forgot to respond or they just like didn't see the message. And then time went on or time went by and like they just literally forgot or something else came up. Like we always have these notifications that pop up and we see something else and then we go to get distracted to something else or an email. And then we're like, oh shit, we've got to do that thing. And then we run away from the thing and like hours go by and you're like, oh, I forgot to respond to that text. And like this happens a lot.

to lot of people. So that could also be just what's going on. But she also could be not that interested. Like there are two things that are potentially possible here. And I think it's like how girls are always like, if he wanted to, he would. Like if he wanted to buy you a boat to show you how much he loved you, he would. I think that's true here too. Like if she is interested, she will show her level of interest by responding by.

Josh Felgoise (13:32.145)

you know, keeping the conversation going by asking questions by responding to your ask for the next date. And that's the actual interest versus the interpreted interest of you having to determine like if she's actually interested, does she want to see me again? Is she into this? Is she excited? Is like does she matching my energy? Is she matching the vibe? Having to interpret all of that is really hard because there there's a lot

Play when you're starting to date or you're starting to see someone they could also be seeing other people they could be getting out of something they could be Seeing somebody else at the same time like it's hard to see or hard to know What is what at first they could also be playing hard to get like I don't like that don't think there's enough time in life to be playing hard to get with people but like people play hard to get all the time I'm not one of those people as you can see but like I think people do that and they don't want to

like respond and look too eager to respond or too into you because you also could not be into that person. You could also be seeing other people at the same time. So they could also be protecting themselves in a way by not responding quickly. Like there are so many things. So I think instead of trying to interpret interest, you should just look at the actual interest.

Is she responding? Is she meeting your energy? Is she excited? Are the dates good? Are you going on a next date? Is it planned? Is she ex- is she like excited about the plan? Is she confirming like there are ways to see interest versus just thinking about interest and these like mixed signals are some of the most confusing parts about early dating because there is no

one answer to this situation. Like it is not black and white because everybody has different reasons as to why what they're doing and what's going on in their lives and their careers and their families and their work and their blah. Like everybody has so much going on. So it's just hard to determine it yourself. So with all that said, like the best way to answer this is to see how she replies and stop trying to make sense of it all on your own.

Josh Felgoise (15:39.719)

Stop trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together without her like like use the context clues and the actual information and the historical data of the relationship so far to see the interest to see if she's interested and Stop trying to solve the puzzle on your own because it really can feel like some pieces got loose or like something jiggled off and you're like How did that piece like leave the puzzle because it just got there like I just put that together so how did it separate on its own like

It can feel so confusing when you're trying to do on your own and dating is not a one man thing. Like you're not doing it on your own. So use what the other person is giving you to determine it. You know, I think I tried to say that what better than I did. But like what I mean is that trying to decipher everything by yourself when this is a two person game is impossible and it doesn't make any sense to try and do on your own. So like just use what is in front of you and like

the actual responses or like, I'm not a big proponent of like, if she responded 30 minutes later versus like three hours later, like what does that mean? What does that mean? Like it could mean a million different things. So I think the timing doesn't matter as much as is she actually interested? Is she replying? Is she asking questions? Are her responses like, yeah, or like cool, or like, okay, versus like.

Wow, that's so cool. Like, what about this? Or like, wow, that's so awesome. Like, I love to hear that. And are you doing this? Or like, you know what I mean? Like, she's like, is she keeping the conversation going or is she stopping it? Is she stalling it? Is it one-sided or is it two ways? The next question is, when should I follow someone on Instagram when we start dating? We live in this funny time where

Everybody wants to see what everybody's life is like and everybody wants to show what their life is like So it's very natural to be curious about what somebody's life is like through Instagram like it's very understandable to want to be able to scroll through Instagram and scroll through their tagged photos and see what they post and see where they went and see what they're doing and what they're up to and who their friends are and like see everything about them and

Josh Felgoise (17:57.871)

It like imagine if we lived 20 like 30 years ago, probably even 20 years ago. Like this was just not even a part of the dating situation. Like you went on a date with somebody and you determined if you like them through the date. That was it. You didn't get all this additional information of like who they were, who their friends are, what they went, what they ate for dinner last night, like who they got dinner with two weeks ago, what vacation they were on with their family in December. Like you don't have all of this information that we now have at our fingertips.

So I think it is, in some ways, like, kind of cooler to hold off a little longer on somebody's Instagram if you're just seeing them, because then you give yourself the ability to determine your level of interest just based on the dates and the conversation and who this person is. Not through the persona that they create online or what they post or who their friends are or what their friends posted of them.

We jump to so many conclusions about who somebody is from all of that. Whereas I think it is so much better to be able to jump to the conclusions about who they are from the conversations, from the date, from the vibe you get, from who they actually are, through seeing them through your own eyes versus seeing what they want you to see. So I think it's better to hold off through maybe the second or even the third date because then

you actually get to know them for who they are. And I know a lot of the time when you're meeting people, it's through dating apps and through Hinge. So you're already getting a lot about who this person is through their profile, through the five or so pictures that they've picked to share with the world. So I think that already gives you a very solid amount of information to work off of that you don't need to then follow them on Instagram yet. But

Once you're in that like three, maybe four date, I'm like increasing the number every time I talk about it, like that number of dates, then I think you can send them a follow request or they send it to you first, like whatever it is. But also, if you don't end up liking this person and you followed them on Instagram, like you're kind of stuck with them in your feed forever until you or they inevitably unfollow. Like you're just.

Josh Felgoise (20:20.019)

They're just like kind of like stragglers in your feed. And I personally have a few that like, just haven't like unfollowed because I just haven't like not for any reason or another. I just like haven't. And I feel like it's like kind of a rude thing to unfollow. So it's like, you can save yourself all of that. Like what I just did would be like, I don't know why they're still there. Like I just, like, you can just save yourself all of that by like not following them until you're actually sure if this is going to be something that you're going to pursue a little further and someone you actually want to date more and see more often.

So I think for that reason, it's another good reason as to why you should wait a little longer to follow or send that follow request. So maybe I'm gonna say around like a three or four date mark is when you should send a follow request if you wanna see more about them. So like don't rush to follow them, especially if you're on a dating app and you already saw their hinge profile, like you already probably saw what are the newest five or 10 photos from their Instagram anyways, you don't really need to see more.

And I just like the idea of being able to see this person for who they are and get to know them for who they are instead of what you think they are based on social media. Especially really early on. Like I'm a big proponent of not researching somebody and again, like getting your jumping to your own conclusion based on what you actually see and what you actually feel. The next question is, I never know what to get my girlfriend. Do you have any ideas for gifts?

So I think the best thing to do, and this is advice for everybody, is to keep a list of things that she says over time. Because there is going to be another holiday, whether it's Valentine's Day, whether it's her birthday, whether it's Christmas, Hanukkah, like whatever it is, there is going to be another time where you have to get your girlfriend or your significant other a gift. So I think the best thing that you can do is keep a list in your notes app of

like things to buy X and you can go back to it or add to it whenever. So whenever she says like this thing that she wanted or this thing that she's thinking about or this thing she loves, you can be like, and like slyly write it down into your notes app. Take a look also at the products that she uses or the things she uses every day, whether it's perfume or hand lotion or hand cream or body lotion or shampoo or like whatever, like maybe not shampoo, but like.

Josh Felgoise (22:42.769)

Take a look at the things that she bought lip lip gloss makeup like the things that she uses every single day and write those down or take pictures of them and then like Google them later and then add them to your notes like those are all good gifts because you are there safe gifts too because you know she already likes those things she already uses those things and chances are she's going to run out of those things. So by you being like hey I got you this perfume I know you love or hey I got you this like lip gloss or this like blush or this lipstick or whatever the fuck.

I know you love like she'll be like, my God, you love me. Thank you. And you'd be like, I know like it's just an easy like win for you. So pay attention to the things that she uses the thing she obviously already likes and that always pay attention to when I also got this advice from somebody else too. This isn't just my own advice. I have a couple of friends that do this too. So pay attention to when she says like, I like this or I love this or

If she's shopping for something or if she walks by something and like points on it, she's like, Ooh, that's cute. Or I like that. Like that's a light bulb moment. Like that's a thing for you to be like, like write that down, write that down. Like that is a moment for you to be like, yes, that is something that I will get her in the future. And that way the next time an opportunity comes around to buy something, you don't have to be freaking out. You already have a list of things to buy. Like you just set yourself up for success. So I think this applies to like right now too. So if you're looking for a gift at in this exact moment,

all of that works. But also, like, I feel like every girl loves, like, sweat sets or, matching sets, pajamas, earrings, jewelry, robes, candles, socks, fuzzy things, blankets, like, pillows, all of those things. Like, you can also just Google, like, best gifts to buy. I have a gift guide on my website, guyset.com, you can look at.

I also think like experiences are great gifts. So she has like a favorite artist trying to get tickets to that concert, like would be a great, great gift. Think about that. Think about the things she loves, the things she talks about and be thoughtful. Also making something is a great gift, whether it's like a scrapbook or printing out a picture, putting it in a frame, like just think about the things she loves and be thoughtful. Like that's the best way to be a good gift giver.

Josh Felgoise (24:54.519)

The next question is... What actually matters when you start your first job? I think one of the best and most important things you can do at your first job or any job for that matter is to make yourself known as somebody who is willing to help. Now for the most part, everybody is kind of replaceable at work, like...

Everybody has things they do that can also be replicated by somebody else. Sure, maybe you do them better than the other guy does, but at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, like, most people are replaceable and it is really hard to become irreplaceable. And that's not to scare you, like I'm not trying to say that you're gonna get fired or you're not gonna do well at your first job. No, not at all.

That is just the truth though. Like that is what I've learned so far in working in corporate environments that like even the person that thinks they are the most replaceable can be replaced. Like that is just what I have learned as the reality. Like when someone leaves you think like, who is going to take over that job? Like they were so good at that. And then someone does. And in like three months you're like, like that person's pretty good at it too. Or like maybe they're even better. Like you just think.

because you spend so much time with somebody that they are the person for the job and that nobody else could ever do what they do. And chances are somebody else can do what they do. So to combat that, I think in terms of like, in what ways can I make myself indispensable? In what ways can I make myself irreplaceable at this job? And one of the best ways to do that is to be known as somebody who is willing to help, who is willing to step up.

who is going to take on a task or a challenge and be there to help out your boss or your coworkers, even if you don't get recognition for it, like initially. I think one of the best things to become indispensable is to be present, to be excited, to try and be happy and be somebody that people look to as like, that person has a really good attitude. That person is always showing up like,

Josh Felgoise (27:09.069)

wanting to solve things, to fix things, to improve things, to try new things. Like that person actually cares about their work because honestly, a lot of people don't. Like it's funny to think that but like a lot of people are just there kind of like phoning it in or just doing what they're supposed to do. And I think the way to combat that is to show up well and let it be known that you're there to work and that you're there to try and you're there to actually, you know, try and improve things or try and

try new things like so I think that's like the first bucket of things I would say is like just try your best to let it be known that you are excited to work to you're excited to try and like I know it's a job like like I know I'm not like trying to get you to drink the corporate lemonade or like drink the fucking fruit punch whatever it is like

in a way at every beginning of every job, like I think you should do that, honestly, like I think that is the best way to be known as somebody who is a good worker when you show up, because a lot of the time, like everybody else has been there for a while. So as the fresh face, like there's kind of this expectation that you are going to like bring the energy a little bit that you're going to like raise the people's attitudes a little bit. That's at least how I think about it, like when there's somebody new, like I'm like,

like a new fresh energy. Like what are they going to bring into it? And I think a lot of the times like that person can also like reinvigorate the spirit of the old heads. Like the people have been there for a while. The people that are kind of just like phoning in are doing the same thing again and again. Like I think if you come in with this new energy and this new excitement, like you're like, people look at you as to like, that person like changed this place. Like that person really kind of affected the environment. Like that is a way to become irreplaceable, to become indispensable as

somebody who is helping the like, helping the workplace be a better place to work. Like, some people call that personality hires, I call that indispensable. Like, I think the the way you show up matters so much. I think talking to people saying hi.

Josh Felgoise (29:15.527)

putting on a smile even when you don't feel it, taking out your AirPods when you're walking into work or when you're walking into common spaces or common places, in the kitchen, in the lounge areas, just even walking in in the first place. When you take out your AirPods, when you walk in, you look like somebody that people can go up to and say hi. You look like somebody that people want to talk to, that you're available to chat and say hi. I think that is incredibly important.

And I think those are really great ways to show up at your first job. And these are things that actually matter when you start your first job. And I'm obviously very passionate about this and I have a lot of things to say about it. So I'm going to do a full episode on this on what actually matters when you start your first job, because I have a lot more advice here and I have a lot more to say, but it won't fit into this episode. So maybe I'll do it in the upcoming weeks, maybe in like two weeks or so.

Because I started this by saying like everybody is replaceable and these are some ways that you become irreplaceable that you become somebody that people look forward to seeing you become a face that people know around the office and I think it's just a really good mindset to operate with when you're at work. Like after I left my first job I bumped into a coworker that I don't really I didn't really talk to that much at the office.

And like, didn't know what to say when I saw them. So I was just like, how is it without me? Like just like trying to be like funny. And they were like, it's a lot quieter. And I was like, oh, okay. And honestly, like I did take that as a compliment. Like honestly, I thought that was something to be proud of because that to me means that I left a mark. Like I left something to be desired, something to miss and

If it's quieter without you, I mean, that's not to say that you should be like running and be like, like what can I work? Like, you don't have to be like crazy, but like it's, it means that I left some sort of mark there and that kind of makes me proud. Like that makes me feel like I did something right. And I left something to miss. So maybe overall just think like, how can I make everyone miss me if I wasn't there? I think it's a great way to show up at work.

Josh Felgoise (31:30.739)

And I think it actually matters when you start your first job, how you show up and how you operate and how you act around the office and around your coworkers and how they see you. So I'm going to do a full episode on that coming soon because I have a lot more to say on that. And I think it's just an important thing to revisit on like what actually matters when you start your first job or when you start any job for that matter. So look out for that coming soon. And the first question that I will answer on the next dear guys set episode is.

How often should I shave? And I'm assuming that does not mean your face. So I will answer that to the best of my abilities. Maybe it is, maybe it does, but I'm gonna answer it both ways, all the ways. So look out for that on the next Dear Guy Set episode next month. That is the episode. Thank you so much for listening to Guy Set, a guy's guide to what should be talked about. I'm Josh, I'm 25 years old and I'm here every single week, every single Tuesday to talk about what should be talked about for guys.

If you like this episode, really hope you did. Please like, subscribe to this podcast. Five stars, the review that's one to be for five stars, not four, not three, not two, not one. It's five stars. Thanks so And I really, really appreciate that. If you have anything I to talk about that should be talked about for guys, head over to guyset.com, G U Y S E T dot com. There is an ask me anything box right at the top of the website. You can ask me whatever you want me to talk about and I will be sure to talk about it. You can also find daily blog posts every single day on guyset.com on everything you're thinking about, wondering about that should be talked about.

dating, mindset, lifestyle, confidence, gym, routine, fitness, health, style, what to wear on dates, what to wear to work, like all of that stuff is over on the website. It's just like kind of an extension of what I do on here. Over there, it's like the guys set universe expanded. You can find so much more content there. I'm really happy about what I'm building on that website. And I think there are so many more good questions that are answered. like, if you liked this episode,

That is the perfect thing to follow up. can search for anything and it'll probably be there. And if it's not just do the ask me anything and I will answer it in a blog post and probably on here too. You can watch this full episode on YouTube at guys that you can follow me on Instagram and Tick Tock at guys at podcast. Thank you so much. Listen to guys set a guys guide to what should be talked about and I will see you guys next Tuesday. See you guys.