Why Do I Compare Myself to My Friends?

Josh Felgoise (00:00.206)

Welcome to Guy's Set, the guy's guide to what you should be talking about. I'm Josh, I'm 23 years old, and I'm here to find all the tips, advice, and recommendations for guys in their 20s. Let's get into it.

Josh Felgoise (00:18.062)

Hi guys, welcome back to guys that the guys guide to what should be talked about. First of all, if you're watching on YouTube or you ever see a clip of this episode, I am on a bed and if somebody walked in right now, it would look like I'm about to make a sex tape. But I am, I'm on a work trip. I'm in San Francisco right now. So guys that HQ has officially been taken overseas. are international. Literally on the West Coast. Guy said is international today for the first time.

So if you're listening to this, this is a big milestone for the podcast. We're across the country. We flew five and a half hours to bring this podcast just to you. No, I'm literally on a work trip. But if somebody walked in, right, I like the camera is set up at the edge of the bed because they didn't know where else to set it up. And they would be confused. They'd be confused to say the least. And it probably wouldn't be the first time they saw that. If they're like the housekeeper or something, they're probably like used to this. So.

We're international. It's a big day for guys at HQ. And yeah, I mean, the one thing about this podcast and guy said is that it never sleeps and we my recording. think I am. OK, so a frequent question I get when I make episodes is how do you come up with ideas for content and like constantly have new ideas for the podcast all the time? And I kind of panic about that sometimes. And I like I like worry that I'm going to run out of ideas. And then I remember that like this podcast is literally

just about stuff going on in my life or my friends lives or things that come up or things that I think about that are relevant for guys in their twenties. So it's literally like a never ending. There's there's there's never an ending to the amount of topics I could talk about. And sometimes maybe like a little bit repetitive. I may say similar things other times. But for the most part I feel like I have new things to talk about a lot of the times and they just come up from things that come up in my head or that I'm thinking about throughout the week.

So the idea for this episode came from one of my good friends went on his first date in a while with this hinge girl. He hadn't gone on a date in a long time and he just went on like a date last night for the first time. And we talked before it, we were like just talking about like first date mannerisms and like etiquette and like what to do. So probably do like a refresh on that at some point, like a first date update type of thing.

Josh Felgoise (02:36.774)

just with all that stuff that I did, I did that for like my sixth episode of the podcast. And this is now like the 37th, 38th episode. I don't even know anymore of the podcast. So I have some new things to add in and I'm also much better on the podcast than I was back then. And I'm, mean, always improving. I'm always getting better at it, but I'm much more comfortable now. And in older episodes, I edited a ton and would like break up the podcast a lot. It kind of sounded more like an audio book than an actual podcast where I'm just like,

saying like and breathing weirdly and you know, it's it's less podcasty before and now I've I've gotten a rhythm and you get better with anything. So I'll probably do a refresh on that episode sometime soon. But this episode came from my friend went on that date recently. We talking before it and it went so well and I was so happy for him and like genuinely like I was so excited for him that it went so well because he was really nervous about it and he hadn't gone on a one in a long time and it was something he was like he was.

He was nervous about like I'm not gonna sure coat that like I'm it's always nerve-wracking going on a date after a long time or taking a break for a while and You don't know how that they're gonna like you. You don't know if you're gonna like them It's just it's nerve-wracking. You don't know if you want to hug them in the beginning all this stuff comes up and it went really well He was really happy with how it went and there's actually he's actually going on a second date which I'm thrilled for him about like I genuinely I'm so happy for him and then later that night I was thinking about it and I was like damn I haven't had like a really great first date in a while and I was like a little I mean

in a while meaning like a month ish, which isn't that long. It's not that long, like really. But I was like, damn, why am I kind of jealous of him right now that like he had this really great date, he has this good thing going for him and like, why am I like a little jealous and why am I kind of comparing myself to him right now and comparing to his date and his like second date he's about to go on and I don't have that and like, why don't I have that?

Fuck, why am I now comparing myself to him? I really am so happy for him and I think it's really important to be happy for your friends in these circumstances. Be happy for friends in anything. I do really think that my friends' are my wins and I think that's the best way to be as a friend and in life in general. I think it just boosts your own happiness when you're happier for the people around you. It's also just really great support and your friends support you better in your wins when you support them. It's just like it's all good in that respect.

Josh Felgoise (04:56.718)

I was like a little envious. And I know when he hears this he's gonna be like, you're fucking kidding me. He's gone on so many great dates and he's had more things than I have in the past year and I've been the one not having this. That's the point. That's kind of the entire point of this episode is like, I'm comparing myself to him. He may have previously been comparing himself to me. Everybody is kind of comparing themselves to somebody.

I want to talk about it because it's something that's come that has come up for me today And I don't think guys talk about comparing themselves to other guys a lot I really don't and it's I hear more about girls talking about them comparing themselves to each other's like bodies or Relationships or any of this stuff, but we're no different of animals We also compare ourselves to each other all the time whether it be with relationships with career with where we live with Our roommate situation

how much money we're making. It's just really easy to compare yourself to the people in your life and the people you're surrounded with, especially the people your age, your friends, your peers, your coworkers, even your not friends, like the people that you know, guess you're like acquaintances, like I don't know. But it's very easy to compare yourself to people your age because they're the ones you're looking at the most, or they're the ones you're thinking about the most, and you're like, fuck, why is he?

Why does he have such a great job and I don't? Why does he have a long-term girlfriend and I don't? Why can't I have that? Why is he making so much more money than me? Why is he so much, why does it feel like he's so much further ahead than I am? And all these separate comparisons and these things, it's just easy to look around and be like, he got a second date. Why couldn't I? Or why haven't I gotten a second date in a while? Is there really anyone for me? Why isn't it, why is it working for him and not for me? And it's just easy to like spiral down that path.

And I've definitely talked about this before, but I wanted to talk about like talk. I wanted to talk about it more in length. Even with the job stuff, like how did he find a job that he's so passionate about? And I'm going to my job every single day waiting for the clock to strike five and I'm bored as fuck. And I want to quit and leave and find a new job. How did even with that stuff, like how did he find a new job so quickly? How did he find a new apartment so fast? How did he find another girlfriend so fast? How does he make that much money? I already said that one, like how does he always have plans? How?

Josh Felgoise (07:22.592)

Is his week so full? How does he seem so happy? Like it's just, it's very easy to compare to all of these things. And in general, like we all have something worth thinking about and jealous of or about. That's part of life and that's not going to go away. But the question is like, how do we feel excited for our friends or our peers when there's also this sort of jealousy that can sometimes turn into like a resentment.

And I wanted to talk about that and I'm doing that. So that's what this episode is all about. So it's, there's so many things to compare yourself on and compare yourself to others too. How do we get to a place where we can feel excited for our friends and the people in our lives? Even though there's this part of us that can sometimes be jealous or sometimes be resentful of that person. How does the excitement become the overarching feeling?

So here's how I look at it. When I was thinking about the like concept concept of this episode and I didn't have like the ideas fully fleshed out, I kind of just, it kind of came to me more and more as I was thinking about it. And I was like, damn, I'm jealous that he has a really great second date that he's excited about. And I don't, but a while ago, I definitely had a second date that he was probably thinking about and may have been jealous of. Like we all have something at some time that somebody is thinking about or jealous of or possibly resentful of.

at some point, like it may not be now, it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, it may not be next week, it not be next month. It could have been two weeks ago, it could have been a year ago, and it may be in a year. Like it's at some point that you will be at the place that you're thinking of or you're nervous about or anxious about that you're never gonna get there. You'll be at that place and then somebody that you're thinking about may have the inverse reaction or may have the reaction that you're having right now.

That was a big fat word salad. think that makes sense and I hope it does because it makes sense in my head. And like, as I said, I remembered that I also had a really great second date and a third date and other dates that I was really excited about. But in the moments when I started comparing myself to him and his dates, I totally forgot about that. Like I just totally forgot that that was a position position that I was in. And then when I took a step back and thought about it, I was like, actually, I've been there before. You know what I mean? And when you decide to throw yourself a pity party and start feeling bad for yourself,

Josh Felgoise (09:44.494)

That's when you just forget that you also may have been at that point or you were at that point before. And if you weren't or you aren't, you will be soon. It all happens at different times for different people. And right now may not be your time and next month may not be that person's time. The kid that I'm thinking about, you know what I mean? It switches up and it's kind of like an always rotating wheel of who's in the better position. And I think

I think it's really important to remember that if you're not there now, you may have been there before. And if you weren't, you will be at some time soon. And I think that's where the excitement for your friends can come from. When you can take a step back and be like, you know what? I had that before and they were really supportive of me or really excited for me. I should be that for that person. And it's kind of like a fake it till you make it thing. At some point, it just kind of becomes ingrained in you that you are actually excited for your friends because they're your friends for a reason and your, wins are your wins. But

when you get to that moment where you're like, like I'm annoyed for myself or I'm sad for myself or will I ever have that and why don't I have that right now? Here's what I have to say. You have to remember and I'm saying this myself, so I'm gonna rephrase that as I. I have to remember that comparing myself to a friend of mine or somebody my age or somebody else isn't going to get me to that position. It's not gonna push me there. It's not gonna propel me to where they are. It's not going to get me to where I wanna be. So why am I doing that?

And I always go back to that quote comparison is the thief of joy. It really is when you start comparing yourself to other people, it takes away the good you have right now or the good you used to have. And it there's no reason to compare yourself to that person. There really isn't. And as I said at the beginning, it makes you a really good friend to think of your friends wins as your wins. It makes you a better friend. It makes a better person. It puts you into such a such a more successful headspace. And it

It makes your friends want to support you and be excited for you when you win. It can be so hard when you're the one feeling like you're in the worst position. Like you're not in that worst position, but when you feel like you are, I'm not invalidating that. I'm not invalidating it for myself because I was annoyed or I was a little envious. And I really think when my friend listens to this, he's going to be like, I can't believe he's feeling this way. But that's only because we don't talk about it. Guys don't talk about this shit. We don't share.

Josh Felgoise (12:11.648)

our emotions in this way that like we're jealous of another guy friend or like we're we're envious of the place that they're at. We don't share this shit. We really don't. So I think he'll be surprised when he hears this. And I think any guy would probably be surprised about hearing this. Like I would be surprised if a friend said something like this to me. Like we just don't share this stuff. And you just have to remember and I have to remember to I keep saying you and this is kind of more like more so a reminder to me than anybody else like

It will shift and you will get to that position at some point. may not be today, may not be tomorrow, but at some point you'll get to that position and when you're in that place, you want your friends in that corner, so show them the support that you wanna be showed when you get there. Wow, that sounded great. Okay, I think that sounded good. Fuck yeah, okay. Yeah, I was in a weird head space today and I just wanted to create an episode.

I guess an entire episode to share that because we as guys, the creature and species of guys don't share this stuff. So hey, that's me, that's the point of this. And being jealous or envious or even resentful of where your friends are at is normal and okay and not weird and doesn't make you a bad person. And I'm saying that to myself as well. It's normal for me, it's not.

It doesn't make me weird or a bad person for thinking that. But I have to remember, and you should too, that comparing yourself to your friends or people your age doesn't get you any further. It doesn't get you to the place that you want to be. And if you want to get to that place, there are things you can do. Obviously it's different things for each circumstance. If it's with career, if it's with dating, if it's with where you're living, if it's with the money you're making, whatever it is, there's obviously different.

phases and steps and systems you can put in place for each of those that can get you to that spot. But sitting in your own sorrow and sitting in a pile of shit like isn't gonna get you there. So I think when you feel that way, when I feel that way, I have to remember that it's okay to feel that way. I can sit in that for like five or 10 minutes and think about it and be like, that's shitty. I wish I was at like, damn, I'm annoyed I'm in that spot. that's.

Josh Felgoise (14:34.526)

Why am I in that position? But the poor me poor little, little old me. Like that's so sad that I, I'm not getting a good second date. Like, okay, loser, go pick your shit up and go find a second date. Go back on hinge. Okay. So here's, here's, here's, I'm not going to call myself a loser. Cause that's what I'm saying. The negative self-talk is no good, but that was just me being funny. But, here's what I'll say instead of being like, like little old poor sad me. You have to be like, all right, if it's, I'll use the example of the second date.

If I'm like, yeah, like little old me, like I haven't had a good second date in a while and I'm all sad about it, bleh, bleh, bleh. Okay, why is that? And when I think about it, I haven't opened my hinge app in like three weeks since that last good date. I haven't put myself out there in the way that I did the other month. So why should I expect that like a great second date is going to fall into my lap? That would be amazing, but it's not gonna happen. That doesn't happen. So why am I sitting in my own?

sorrow instead of doing something about it is that is kind of the answer here and I think it's okay to be a little annoyed and a little sad a little Depresso mode for a little while and a little by a little while I mean like nothing more than a couple minutes or like at most an hour and Then get out of it and figure out what you can do to get yourself to the place you want to be that a little inspo, okay? Comparing yourself to friends is a very normal thing

And in those moments when you are comparing yourself to your friends, take a step back and remember that their wins are your wins and you should be as excited for them as you are excited for yourself and they'll return that when it's your turn to kind of shine. You know what I mean? All right, that's the episode. When these topics arise in my head and I think about it and I get in like a mindset or a weird head space about this stuff, I...

We'll try and jot down these notes and then make a smaller, shorter episode like this about those topics and just make a conversation around them. There doesn't have to be like a grand solution or takeaway from any of this. I don't think there is actually. No, I think I had actually, I think I had a really well-rounded conversation with myself. It's kind of crazy when you think about it. I sound like a lunatic and I'm sitting in a hotel room.

Josh Felgoise (16:57.868)

doing this so if there's anybody that can hear through these walls they're like that guy is fucking insane and they wouldn't be wrong but when these kind of things happen and I'm I think about this stuff and remember that guys don't talk about this stuff or share or express these types of things I'll make a little episode like this about them so I'll keep doing that and if you have anything like this that you think about and you're like I feel bad about that or I feel like

a loser for thinking that or weird for thinking that or makes me uncomfortable or anxious. Anything like this, doesn't have to be like this or anything, just anything for guys in their 20s, write into my email, it's advice at guyset.com, A-D-V-I-C-E at guyset.com, and I'll do an episode talking about that stuff or I'll answer one question that becomes a whole episode and kind of make an episode about it. I did that with making friends in a new city a while back and I brought one of my friends on to talk about it.

Yeah, I'll do an episode around certain little topics like this and that'll be the full episode. Thank you so much for listening. I really hope you liked it. If you liked this episode, please like, subscribe, leave a review. Give this episode five stars. If you're on Spotify or Apple podcasts, there's like a thing you can just click one, two, three, four, five, and then leave a positive review or a negative review, whatever. I don't care. Just leave a review. Send any questions, advice, things you me to talk about, things that should be talked about for guys in their twenties to my email, advice at guyset.com, A-D-V-I-C-E at G-U-Y-S-E-T.com.

or to my DMs at the guy set T H E G U Y S E T on Instagram or tick tock, or you can leave an anonymous question on my website, guyset.com, GUI, SET.com. And you can just submit it right there and that'll be completely anonymous. And as always, everything is always anonymous. I just want to hear what you want to talk about and what should we talk to every guy's in their twenties. So thank you so much for listening and I will see you guys next Tuesday. See you guys.