What If I’m Not Good Enough

Josh Felgoise (00:00.206)

Welcome to Guy's Set, the guy's guide to what you should be talking about. I'm Josh, I'm 23 years old, and I'm here to find all the tips, advice, and recommendations for guys in their 20s. Let's get into it.

Josh Felgoise (00:18.094)

Hi guys, welcome back to guyset, the guys guide to what should be talked about. I had a week this week and I, you know, I don't really know how to explain it or why this week was like one of those just off weeks. but I've just been feeling a lot recently that I'm not good enough at the things I'm trying or the things I'm doing and just having a

of self-doubt recently and just like this week in general and maybe it's partly because I'm super overtired and just not getting enough sleep and maybe it's because I have started a lot of new things and that's like a very normal thing to think that you're not good enough but the question I was asking myself a lot last night was what if I'm just not good enough for the things I'm doing and for me that's two things right now

One being I'm trying this whole podcast thing and I've been doing it for a little while now. And I put out an episode last week that got some good reception and some bad reception. And that's just always going to be part of it when I'm putting something out so much. But it was one of those weeks where I was like, fuck, what if I'm just not good enough for the things I'm trying to do? And

Genuinely, what if I'm not and I feel like I'm not and I feel like I'll just speak about the podcast specifically like what if I'm not adding enough value to somebody to come and listen and give them a reason to listen and The other thing is at my new job. I started a new job. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while I started it at the beginning of the year. So like January 2nd or 3rd and I feel like I'm making a ton of mistakes and

forgetting some stuff and dropping the ball in places that's what I was told the other day that I dropped the ball somewhere and and not impressing the people I want to impress and not like going above and beyond and beating the expectation and impressing and being as good as I can be and What if I'm just simply not good enough and a lot of this self-doubt crept in over the past week

Josh Felgoise (02:37.986)

and made me super anxious and made me nervous and upset and tired and just want to go to bed and forget about everything else and doom scroll on my phone and all the things you're not supposed to do. I just didn't feel good and I didn't feel like myself and there was just a fuckload of self doubt that I was feeling this past week. And I feel like a lot of the things that I'm thinking and feeling

are the same reasons that people hold themselves back from starting something new or starting something in general. An example here would be applying for a new job. What if I'm not good enough for the job? Why even apply? They're not going to accept me. They're not even going to read my resume. They're not even going to give me an interview. So why should I even try?

And I feel that way for a lot of people who are trying, like, feel like people think that way if you're in a job that you're not excited about or not happy about, or you don't feel as fulfilling, you don't feel like you're growing or learning at your current job. They hold themselves back from all these thoughts of self doubt that you can't get another job. And that leads you to not even try or not even start looking. And I just, I have to stay in my current job because I don't have enough experience to meet the role that I want to apply for.

Or I don't have the right experience or I don't meet the right criteria for the role that I want. And all these things of self doubt and self hate and all these negative thoughts creep in and they hold you down. It pertains to so many things in your life for not going for a new job, for sending an email you're nervous about. They're not going to even respond. So why bother typing it out, rereading it a bunch of times to make sure it's good grammatically and

it's good sentence structure and they're going to be happy when they read this. Why even type it out and send it when they're not even going to respond? It's the same thing for going up to somebody asking them out. You could think in your head, they're better looking than me. They're going to instantly reject me and think I'm a loser and hate me. They're going to turn me down. I'd rather not deal with that rejection than even try. It's all those same things for going up to somebody at a bar, for sending out an email, for applying for a new job, for anything that's new and different and take

Josh Felgoise (04:54.03)

kind of a risk, you can feel that self doubt and they can creep in and hold you back. And it does it. It holds so many people back it. I mean, it's it's rarely normal. And I'm sure a lot like a lot of us have felt this way. And I've of course had these thoughts before like this isn't the first time that I've now decided now felt that I have self doubt or had negative thoughts. I mean, come on, this always happens that people feel that I feel this way all the time, not like in a in a bad way, but in a way that people

normal people feel. Just this week specifically was one of the weeks where it all like came to a head and it all kind of pushed me down and held me down. And there was a moment where I was like, fuck, what if, as I said, I'm not good enough and I should just quit. there's this is it's not worth continuing on that path because I've made enough mistakes. I've done enough things that aren't getting me to the place I want to go and

Like, like, why even continue trying? Why not just quit? And I'm sure you've had these thoughts in a job that you're in and you're like, well, if it's not working out and it hasn't worked out this week or last week, and I made a mistake last month and I did that again badly last week or whatever, I should just quit. It isn't the place for me and I need to find something else and this isn't where I should be. And these are like, I think I feel like very normal thoughts. And maybe to the extent that I had them this past week isn't as normal. And it was like a very weird headspace I was in that I

I got myself out of and I'm like really happy and yeah, I'm just genuinely happy that I'm able to get myself out of that kind of like dark place of really intense self doubt that I'm sure a lot of you listening have felt before. And I want to tell you how I got out of it. And there's I think five things that I've kind of mapped out. I did this all at like 2 a.m. last night. I mean, last night specifically, I was just

I had a moment where I received like some negative feedback on something and it really pushed me down. I was like, well, I should just quit and this isn't for me and I I'm not good enough. I'm really I'm not. And I was like laying on my bed just like upset and I was like, fuck, I am not this person. I'm not this thing and I'm trying too hard and that's it's not worth it. I'm not him for lack of a better word, but

Josh Felgoise (07:17.772)

I got myself out of it and I want to kind of guide you through how I did that because I really feel happy that I could do that and I want and I hope if you're in a place like that or if you get to a place like that, you can remember these tips. Remember these things that I'm saying and use them to also get yourself out of it. So here are my four or five tips for when you're feeling this way. So the first one I call worst case scenario and

That is kind of what I just said of playing it out fully. So, and I want you to actually play it out fully. So write it out or talk it through with a friend or talk it through to yourself or however you want to do it. But let's take the job application one, for example. So you want to apply for a new job, whether you're in a job right now, you're applying for your first job, a new job, whatever it may be. You got laid off and you need a new job, whatever it is.

The worst case scenarios from this job application are a couple things. One, they never respond. They don't even see your message and they, it was a waste of your time and you put all this effort into your, to making an application and they never respond. Two, they say no, they instantly reject you and they say, you're not good enough for us. Three, you go through the whole process. You get attached to the potential of having that job. You go through the interview process. You connect with people on LinkedIn, you make connections and you're like, this is really going to be the one for me. I feel it. I like, I really feel like this is going to be the job for me.

And then they reject you. Sorry, no, you're not a good fit for us. Those are some of the worst possible potential case scenarios for what could possibly happen when you apply for a new job. I'm sure there's more and I'm sure I could go on literally all day with more things that could be worse and could happen. But those are some. So let's start there. I feel like they lay out a good landscape for what I'm talking about. So then I ask you now what? Okay, you've gotten rejected. You didn't get the response.

If you wasted your time, now what? How are you feeling in this position? Probably not great. Maybe even terrible and really bad, actually shitty. But the cool part is from this is you've learned something and you have a takeaway. And the even cooler part is you've tried and you've proved to yourself that you can try and you're not held back by your self doubt. Now, you know, you've at least got the heart to go for it and try.

Josh Felgoise (09:41.654)

Instead of saying on the sidelines and in the position that you currently feel like I'm never going to get that. Why even try? You've at least tried and you've given yourself that you've proven that to yourself. This is something that I found really interesting. I was listening to this other podcast. It happened to be today. The podcast is called mindset mentor. And one of the episodes was talking about anxiety and they referenced this psychological study that found that 97 % of what you think can happen, like all the bad things that you think can happen, don't happen. 3 % happens as bad as you think it will.

And that's a crazy big percentage of when you're thinking on the sidelines and you're worrying and anxious about you think it's an 100 % guarantee that you will get rejected or you will not get a response and you will have wasted your time and wasted your life and think you're a failure. 97 % of time that does not happen. I thought it was pretty cool. This is actually a psychological study. This was not a TikTok. Sometimes I reference psychological studies and they are TikToks. And the psychological term they referenced is called catastrophizing.

And it's usually a little more of a downward spiral than what I'm saying. And it's not just like, oh, I'll get rejected. I think I'm a loser. It's like, oh, I'll get rejected. Think I'm a loser. Think my life is worthless. Think I'm a waste of space, waste of time, and no one's going to love me. And like, you really go down that spiral even more and more and more. And that's the catastrophizing part. So what I'm saying is like part of it, but you can easily get there if you're already in that self doubt, negative talk mindset. So it's pretty easy to go right down that slide of,

shit and go right into the pit of hell from all the things you're saying to yourself. But I like that it has a term and like I like when I can when I'm able to give something a term, realize it, name it and then like, separate it. Does that make sense? Like the fact that I can now know when I'm feeling all these thoughts of self doubt and anxiety about my failure and that I can't do what I'm trying to do. I can put that into a category of like self doubt.

And another category of catastrophizing. Yeah, that's right way to say it. And sometimes it's like, okay, maybe you are not as cut out to what you think you are. And then on the flip side of it, you don't have to go down the rabbit hole of I'm not good enough. I'm a loser. No one's gonna love me and my life sucks. Like you don't have to go all the way down there so you can separate that and just stay in the self doubt one. Sometimes like you don't have to go all the way down. So I like giving a term to it. I like that there actually is a term for it. So now you know the term and you know

Josh Felgoise (12:08.376)

how bad it can get, you know the bottom, like you know that pit of hell that I'm referring to, and you're prepared for the worst. So anything else that can happen will either be better or the same as the worst that you prepared for already. And you're already there mentally, so most outcomes are gonna be better than what you're preparing for so negatively. And then the question I asked myself was, are the doubts and the fears and worries and anxieties

that have stopped you and are currently stopping you in the place you're at to cause all this negative self-talk, are they greater than the fear of never trying or never going for it or never taking the leap? Never knowing what you can do or you can become or make of yourself if you just took that extra shot. And back to the psychology for a second from this podcast as well today, this term of negative self-talk

is actually called cognitive dissonance and it's very common and like a lot of us probably feel it and deal with it on a normal basis. We basically convince ourselves that this is actually helpful for us because we're protecting ourselves, which I find so interesting. These things that hold us back from the goals we want to set and the goals we want to accomplish actually in a way we think are protecting us because

If we don't go for it and we stay stagnant in the place that we're at, we can't fail. You can't even encounter the failure that you're thinking of. So a really good example of this is if you want to lose weight and you know the things you can do to lose weight are to start working out, start thinking about the food you're eating in a healthier mindset and start going on more walks and drinking more water and actually doing the things that are going to help you.

You know those things, but you're still in that spot of I want to lose weight, but I can't fail if I don't try and make that change. You know what I mean? I can't hurt myself and be in a worse off position and feel like a failure and a loser because I don't try. And that's what the cognitive dissonance is. And that's why when the self doubt creeps in, it's easier to say actually

Josh Felgoise (14:27.374)

you what, I'm not gonna try and I'm not gonna apply for that job or send that email or ask that girl out because she's probably gonna say no and I'd rather protect myself from the failure that could potentially happen. And I find that so interesting. And it's because you already know the worst outcome and the pain and sadness that can come from this and you'd rather not hurt yourself if it's gonna happen. And it just gives us a reason to justify not doing something or not trying for something. And by the way, I'm the king of this. I am the

king of this like really if you think you're one of the royals in this scenario, I mean you have some competition because I I do this all the time. I really do and like I'm sure now that you're hearing it you're like, actually I also do that all the time and it's it's easier to protect myself from the potential and possibility of failing than ever actually trying or it's easier to not put myself out there and start something because

people may make fun of me or people may act differently around me or think I'm weird or be like, there's that kid trying to make a podcast happen. and, that can hold you back from trying something. And it, does. Like when this, when, when I think overly and negatively about what I'm doing here and the fact that I'm putting myself out there so vulnerably, like once a week and the fact that it could make people in my life think I'm

like weird or make people in my life think differently about me that I'm trying to do something and and it's it's all those things creep in and I'm doing it again right now and I'm like I don't even want to continue down that path because I know I can start to catastrophize it and start getting worse if I if I'm seeing a girl and she finds this and thinks it's a massive turnoff then like that there's all these things that can creep in when you're trying to do something that's a very personal example for mine and I'm sure if you took a fuck

I meant to say a couple if you took a couple seconds and thought about something in your life. Maybe it's applying for a new job. Maybe it's Sending a text on hinge. Maybe it's sending an email. Maybe it's sending a text whatever it is I'm sure you could find to me in your life that you're holding yourself back from too because you don't want the potential of failing and you don't want the potential of the embarrassment or the You don't want the don't want people

Josh Felgoise (16:54.028)

talking negatively about you're making fun of you and that's understandable and it's normal. So that leads into the second tip or the second kind of talking point. I don't know if they're exactly tips. The second thing I wrote out. just like I wrote this to myself and I'm going to read it to you. wrote lean in try go do it fail feel and stand back up again. And that's kind of how I feel every week when I do these episodes and when I

take a new job and I try something new at that job and sometimes fail. Lean in and try is the first part is you've decided you're going to take that risk or you're decided you're going to go for it. Then you actually have to do it. You've made the decision that you're going to do it. Then you actually have to do it. And then you have to fail because most likely and a lot of the time you're going to fail. It's not always going to be successful and you have to understand or

And I say you a lot, I also, I mostly mean I, when I'm talking like this, I have to understand that I'm gonna fail and that's normal. And that's why the next one is feel, because you have to let yourself kind of deal with that failure. And I realized last night that I'm like, I'm not that great with negative feedback and I'm not that great with failure. And it impacts me more than I'd like it to. And you have to let yourself feel that and sometimes let that...

As I've said, like self doubt and negative negativity creep in for a little bit and feel it and understand where it's coming from. But understand that it doesn't have to get worse than that. You don't have to catastrophize and you can take that and separate it and decide that it's not true and decide that it's not your reality and it's not the fact. And then you have to get back up again. You just do. You just have to stand back up again because at some point you're going to get rejected by the job.

You're going to not get a response to email. You're going to get rejected at the bar. You're to get rejected on hinge. You're get ghosted. These things are going to happen and you have to allow yourself to feel and and give yourself some time to understand it and be sad about it. But then you have to stand back up again. You just do. I mean, it's there. There really is no other there's no tip. There's no option beside going for it again. There really isn't because the other option is just feeling bad for yourself.

Josh Felgoise (19:11.028)

sitting in it, grieving it and getting depressed over it. That's it. So you have to get back up again. And that leads into my next tip or conversation point, which is give yourself grace with this. You're probably young if you're listening to this. You're probably new to a lot of the things in your life. You're probably in a new city, in college, joining a new company, starting a new job.

in a new relationship, trying to start a new relationship, living in a place you haven't before, doing something that's super uncomfortable and new to you and is bound to make you feel nervous and anxious and scared because it's new. It's probably your first time with something in life and it will all still be new throughout life. There will be new jobs, there be new relationships, there'll be new friendships, there'll be new things, always. That's...

always a constant. The only constant in life is that it's always changing and we have to just get uncomfortable with that discomfort. We have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable and it's something that we just have to do. We just have to stand back up again when we're super uncomfortable and when we don't think we can and we don't think we should and we just think we're not good enough. But you have to give yourself grace with it. You don't have to get it right the first time. You don't get right at the second time. You don't get right the third time. I'm personally not. I'm not getting it right.

the first through 20th time, I'm getting it wrong a ton and I continue to get it wrong. But I get back up again is the big important takeaway for myself is I do it again. I try again and I let myself fail again, but I give myself grace with allowing myself to feel upset and doubtful and anxious. And I in turn decide that I need to do it again. That's the only option.

Why put pressure on yourself to get it right the first and second and third time? Why not give yourself the space to fuck up, to mess up, to try again, to get back up again? Why not give yourself that space? Like why do we all put so much pressure on ourselves to, like if we make a mistake at work, that it's the end all be all. I've now made a couple big mistakes at work and for that night I was like.

Josh Felgoise (21:32.91)

fuck, I'm so bad at this. I'm in a position that I don't I shouldn't be in and I don't think I'm right for it. And I'm in over my head and I and everything is everything is spinning and it's on top of me. And I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed and crushed by so many different things at one time. And I'm not cut out for this. I'm not good enough, as I keep saying. And yeah, that may be true at times, but I've given myself the space to fail and fail again. But then I'll try again.

and I'll apologize for the mistake and I'll try and fix what I did that time doesn't mean I'll do it perfectly or correctly, but at some point I'll fix it. And at some point I'll get better. may not fix it. Sorry. At some point I'll get better and I'll get even better. And like with time and with effort and with energy and with focus and trying you get better. You just do. So the last one is another, sorry, there's two more, but one of the last ones is look at the people you look up to.

Like an inspiration or a person in your life or character whatever you want it you ever you and whatever whoever inspires you that you feel Really makes you feel like anything you want is possible There's probably somebody and I'll give you a second to think about it But I'll I'm not I won't give you too long because a space in the podcast is awkward But think about somebody that inspires you Okay. Now think about what are the steps they made to get to the place they're at and think about it for a second

What are the steps? What are the changes they made in their career to get to where they're at in life? What risks do you think they took? Do you think they always played it safe? I can almost certainly say they did not always play it safe and they probably constantly faced rejection more times than we can imagine to get to the place that they're at. If you want to make a change and if you want to get better and you want to improve and you want to do something different,

It involves taking a risk. Change involves doing something that's uncomfortable and it involves doing something that you're not used to and can potentially make you feel like you're a failure. That is, that is inherently what change is. It, it has the potential to put you on your ass. That's what change is. It really is. So if you want to make a change or you want to do something different, you are going to be faced with the potential of failure, the potential of self doubt.

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the potential of rejection. It's the fact of do you want it enough to deal with it? And then the last one I'll say is what advice would you give to a friend in this scenario? In your situation, what would you tell a friend? If a friend came to you and said, I am not happy in my job, but I feel like I'm gonna get rejected by every job I apply to, they're not even gonna respond to me.

It's not even worth my time because it's not going to go anywhere. What would you say to that friend? It's so much easier when you think about it like that or you think about a family member or somebody you care about. That's not to be a friend, family member or somebody you care about saying these things to you, saying this self doubt, saying the rejection, the negativity that they feel in this moment. What would you say to that person? Would you say you're right? You shouldn't try because you're most likely to get rejected. You probably wouldn't like come on. You probably wouldn't.

you would most likely say to that person, why not just try? Like there's a possibility of failing. Sure. There's a possibility of rejection. Yeah, of course. But if you don't try, you'll never know. So why not just give it a shot? Why not just take the shot? You'd probably say some long lines of that to a friend or a family member or somebody you care about. And if you didn't like that, I don't know what to tell you, but I feel like you would. If you're listening to this, you're a good person and you probably would say that.

It's so much harder to think about it when you're on the inside and it's just you so try and like separate your circumstance into somebody else's circumstance put all of your problems your thoughts and your feelings onto the table in front of you and Act like somebody across from you has those problems. What would you say to that person? So let's go back to the reason I'm in this mindset for a second and why I was talking about this podcast in the first place I say to myself what if I'm not good enough to do this. What if this episode doesn't

do what I wanted to do and doesn't succeed in giving somebody the value I hope it would and I hoped it would. Well, that is most likely true. It most likely, I mean, for somebody this won't provide value and they'll leave thinking that I am not good enough and that is something that I have to deal with and understand when I'm putting myself out like this. But if I keep thinking that all the time and it becomes my belief,

Josh Felgoise (26:19.884)

It will quickly become my reality and become true. It will. And if I think that I'm not good enough to do this, I should probably quit. And to that, I would say I'd rather keep trying because to me it's still better than the time before I started this when I always thought, what if I just started it? What if I just took the risk and started it? What if I just put myself out there and allowed myself to be made fun of and accept criticism and deal with the backlash or the other things that happen from

me trying to do something like this. What if I just try and do that? And for so long, I sat on the sideline of it and just thought about what if I do that? What if I could do that? What if I was just brave enough to put an episode out and start a podcast and put my face on it and try? What if I was just brave enough? And I was all and for months, I was like, I'm not I'm not brave enough to do that. I'm not. That's a big fucking risk to expose myself to this type of potential rejection from

anybody I know from any stranger listening to this from anybody I don't know from somebody I could potentially know in the future to somebody I will know in the future. It's a huge fucking risk to put myself out there like this. So you know what I shouldn't and I talked myself into that like I said in the beginning. I spoke so negatively about the potential disastrous outcome of me doing this that it held me back for so long months. It really did it held me back for so long of trying to start this because I just thought of all the negative

catastrophic things that could come from me doing this and the negativity held me back that much. What people would say about me, of what my friends would think of doing this, of what my family would think of me doing this, of what it could do to my personal life and social life and potential social life and future social life and what it could do if I put myself out there like this. And that self-doubt and that negative self-talk put me in a place so deeply negative that I decided not to do it.

for so long I put myself on the sideline and I said, it would be so cool if I was brave enough to do that, but I'm not. I'm just not brave enough to do that. And all the questions that stopped me from doing that then and honestly still make me hesitate to make new episodes like this and any episode ever is outweighed by the fact that I decided to take a chance on myself. And I decided that what if I just did it? And what if I leaned in and went for it? I'm going to fail and I'm going to have to feel that.

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But I'm going to have to get back up again. What if I just did it? And I decided to lean in and trust myself and know that I could get over the fact that self doubt and negatives, health talk will creep in and there will be a week like this. There will be future weeks like this. This isn't going to this isn't the one and I'll be all time that I'm going to feel negatively and doubt myself about all this stuff. But I trust myself enough and know that I can get out of that. I do.

And that's an amazing thing that I think I've developed mentally from doing this, from practicing, from trying, from putting myself out there to fail. And I failed a lot of times now to know that I can get back up. And I still stand by the fact that I would rather try and fail than never try and not be able to see what I can do. And once that wave starts of the self-doubt, the negativity, the anxiousness, the worry, all those things come in.

You have two options. You either ride it or you go under. There's really only two options. This week I was completely under. I was underwater this whole week about about everything. But that's only because I'm still learning how to ride it. I'm still learning how to fail and fall under and then learning how to catch my breath and come back up again. And eventually I'll be able to stand up and ride it. But that's not now. It's not yet. And I know that that one day will come and then

That wave will hit again where all this shit comes back and I fall off the board and I fall back underwater. But with more attempts and more tries and more fails and more knowing that you can come back up, it'll be easier to ride the wave. So I needed to make this episode because that's how I was feeling this week. And I felt this whole week that I'm not good enough for a lot of the things I'm trying in my life. And I think that's OK.

and I got myself out of it. I'm still there a bit, I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm still there a bit, and it's still hitting at me and it's still making me feel like, as I said, I'm not good enough and it's not gone, but I have worked through it and I know I can continue to work through it and work myself back out of it. I hope if you're feeling this way that this conversation and these...

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things or talking points or if you look at them as tips or recommendations are helpful for you and you can use them in your own life in your own circumstance in your own situation of feeling like you're not good enough or feeling like you're a failure and it's not going to work out and I hope that this can help you or I mean inspire is not the right word, but I hope this can help you or encourage you to go for it and make the mistake and

fail and know that you can get back up again. I mean, I know you can and I have and it's possible and you can too. Okay, thank you so much for listening to this episode. This one was real as fuck. I needed to tell you how I feel about all this shit because it's not easy to put myself out there like this all the time and I, not easy to yourself out there in anything. And I've said this before and I will continue to say it because I really do think it's true. We don't hear a lot of guys

talking like this or expressing themselves like this and sharing their like raw real vulnerability like this. It's super uncomfortable and it's like really I mean I'm putting myself out there for anybody to listen to the my inner dialogue and inner monologue and it's uncomfortable and it's nerve wracking to to do this but you don't hear guys doing it and I I want to create something where I

have all of these episodes to go back to and at some point in the future when I'm back in this headspace in this position I'm genuinely excited that I can have this episode to listen to I really am and I can go back and hear how I got out of it and use this next time I'm feeling that way and I just want to create a resource guide for guys that that talks about all of these things and is real vulnerable and expresses all this so I hope you liked it and if you have anything like this that you want me to talk about

send it into my email. It's advice at guyset.com. A D V I C E at G U Y S E T.com. You can also send in a DM to my Instagram at the guy set T H E G U Y S E T or my Tik Tok. And there's also a website that I created called guyset.com G U Y S E T.com. And you can leave an anonymous comment or an anonymous question in the box at the top or at the bottom of the website.

Josh Felgoise (33:31.714)

And send anything that like like this or something else that you want me to talk about for guys in their 20s because I want to talk about it and I want to be real and and be that source so Thank you so much for listening. I know this one was a little a little less funny and a little less Uplifting and light-hearted than they usually are but I think it's important that I also show you this side and I'm real and I'm real fucking honest with you so

Thank you so much for listening and I will see you guys next Tuesday. See you guys.