Is It Bad To Be Jealous of My Friends?

Today's topic is jealousy. Somebody wrote in and asked, is it bad to be jealous of my friend? And my answer to this question and the advice I have around it is not going to fit in the dear guyset segment that I do once a month where I answer all the questions that you guys write in that I find online that guys are asking, that guys are wondering about.

I think this episode, this topic deserves its own episode. And I think it needs its own episode because I have a lot to say on it and that happens a lot of the time. And these are some of my favorite episodes to do that stem from one question because chances are if one guy has this question or is feeling this way, so many other guys also have that question and are also feeling that way too. Like I can guarantee that if one person's thinking that.

At least 10 or a million other guys are thinking and feeling that way too. And that is what guyset is built on. Answering the questions that guys are asking or have nowhere to ask. So here we go. Let's get into it. Is it bad to be jealous of my friend? Jealousy is rooted in insecurity. And I mean deeply rooted in insecurity. Most of the time it comes from the fact that

they have something that you want or something you think you want. Do I think jealousy is a bad thing? No, not necessarily. I think it can be harnessed for good or used in a way to motivate you toward something or realize something about yourself or learn something about yourself that you did not know before.

Do I think it can be a bad thing? Yes, absolutely, I do. I think jealousy can be a mirror to the things you actually want, and in that case, it can be used as a map or a guide or a compass one way or another. I think jealousy can also be an indicator that you're not happy about something and

In that case, I think it can be used as a force for change, for good, for better. I think it can also be used as a way to motivate you toward something. And in those times, and when it's used well, I think it can be good. I think jealousy can be good. So, to answer your question right out the gate, is it a bad thing that you're jealous of your friend, or is it bad to be jealous of your friend? Not necessarily. I think it's

More convoluted answer to that I have to your question than just a yes or no I don't think it's black and white as is nothing like nothing is just black and white I can't tell you yes or no. I think it can be good I think it can be bad and I'm gonna get into all of that in this episode and When you take the time to understand why you're jealous or why you're feeling that way I think jealousy can be used for good the good parts of jealousy I think come when you hit

pause on why you feel that way. When you sense that the jealousy is coming up or bubbling up to the top and you take a step back and really think about why you're feeling that way, like what is it that's making me jealous of this person? What is the thing that they have that I don't or that I think that I don't have? What is the thing that they're doing or the thing that they have in their life that is not a part of mine?

Jealousy can also manifest in really ugly ways like jealousy can get pretty bad And I think it can be really bad especially in friendships or relationships I think it can lead to disastrous outcomes for both of those things I think it can make you into an unsupportive person a bad friend a nasty person resentful vindictive

And I think when it turns into those emotions or those feelings, especially of resentment and being vindictive, it is almost always bad. So in those cases, I think jealousy is absolutely bad. And the way you behave as a result of your jealousy can be mean, can be scary, can be really harmful to your relationships. And I think for

those two reasons, those two sides to jealousy, it's a much more nuanced answer and a much more nuanced conversation than is it a bad thing. Jealousy can make you say a lot of things that you don't mean. Something like, well, he only got that because of this. Or something like, well, if he didn't have this connection, he wouldn't be where he is now, or he wouldn't have that job or that thing or that career. Or she's only with him for that. Or

That's not going to last very long. Like I give it a year max, maybe a month, probably like a week to be honest with you. Or they don't deserve that. Why did they get that? They didn't work hard enough for that. I don't know why they got that thing. They aren't good enough for that. They're not going to last very long at that thing. They're not going to do well in that. All of those things that you say and lots of the times it can even be in your head.

Or it's said to a close personal friend who may agree with you and be an echo chamber for the negative or jealous of you that you have because chances are they might share that view too. They might also feel negatively about it or feel jealous about it. And we've all been there. I am not above it. I don't think anybody on earth is above it. It's above feeling jealous of somebody else. I think even the most successful people also feel jealous.

I just listened to, I was going say red, not gonna lie to you. I just listened to Phil Knight, the co-founder of Nike's memoir. And he was always jealous of Adidas. Even when he was worth $10 billion in like 2000 or whatever it was, he was like, we sold $16 billion of sales. Adidas sold 10. And he said that and like, he still kept tabs. He was still jealous. I think even at the most successful level, people feel jealousy. I'm not above it.

I've never claimed to be and I never will be. Jealousy is a part of all of us and I think unfortunately it's innate. It's taught, it's learned, it's seen, it's heard. It's all around us, it's above us and it's beneath us. You can say you're not but chances are you probably have been or you probably are right now and you have been at some point. Maybe not today, maybe not yesterday.

But there's always something to look at or someone to look at and have a jealous thought about. Maybe it's a choice. Maybe it's a confidence. Maybe it's a mindset. Maybe it's a background or an upbringing. Maybe it's a career. Maybe it's a friendship. Maybe it's a relationship. Maybe it's a position or an opinion. There is always something to look at and be jealous of. And as I said, it's not necessarily a bad thing to answer your question.

it can be used for good. I highlighted three of the ways I think jealousy can be used for good. So let's dive into each of them as an indicator, as a mirror and as a motivator. So let's start with the first good use of jealousy. Jealousy as an indicator. I think jealousy is a really good indicator that you're looking for some sort of change.

Maybe something in your life is missing or you have a desire for something new, something different, something better, something greater. And that doesn't necessarily mean that you can just get up and get that thing that day. Just because you really want a relationship doesn't mean you're going to get one tomorrow or the girl you're going to date with tomorrow is the one you actually want to date. Jealousy as an indicator doesn't mean you should try and fit a round peg into a square hole.

It doesn't mean you need to force something to happen. You don't have to make it happen today. But take note of it. Notice the thing that you're feeling jealous of and put it down in your head note or on a physical note or somewhere that you can remember it and keep it in the back of there. It doesn't have to be at the forefront, but remember it and remember it the next time an opportunity arises in front of you.

And then bring it back to the forefront next time you tell yourself that you're not ready for that thing. The next time you tell yourself you're not ready for a relationship, maybe that's a reminder that actually you are. Actually, that is something you want. It's something you're maybe jealous of and you're looking for and just trust your gut here. Remind yourself that you felt that way before. Trust the jealousy. Use it as an indicator. I think

In that circumstance, in that way, I just use relationships as an example, because I think it's a big one. Use that as an indicator that you're feeling some sort of way or you felt some sort of way before. And when that opportunity presents itself or that thing presents itself and you remind yourself of all the negative things and all the reasons that you shouldn't and you couldn't and you're not good enough and you're not ready enough, like remember that thing. Remember that indicator that actually I'm kind of jealous that that person has that and maybe I want that in my life too.

Maybe jealousy is telling me that that's something that I'd like to have or that is something that I want to strive for. And I'll get to the strive for part at the end because I think that's one of the best uses for jealousy. Next, we'll move on to the second use of jealousy. Jealousy as a mirror. I started by saying jealousy is most of the time rooted in an insecurity you have. And I have for that matter.

They're like assholes or opinions. We all have insecurities and they're hard to recognize. They're hard to admit. They're hard to look in the mirror, look in the face and say like, yeah, I am insecure about that thing. Like guys don't do that. Guys don't admit their insecurities. We're not taught. We're not raised to do that. We're not taught to do that. Like society has told us that we're not supposed to have insecurities and when we do, we should push them down or we should grow out of them pretty quickly because like they're not something that we should talk about and

specifically in the past maybe 10 or so years, like guys having insecurities has been recognized. Like, I'm not as confident as I want to be and that's okay. Or I struggle with my mental health and like that is an insecurity I have and that's okay. Like there are solutions for these things and you don't have to go through them alone. They don't have to be things that are just in your head that you push down and shove down because chances are that they're gonna come back up in a way that will manifest in a pretty ugly way.

They're not going to come up and just like push. can keep pushing them down all you want, but like they're going to come back up and guys having insecurities is now a recognized thing. think that's one of the most important parts about guys set is that like talking about the things that you're not, like you don't feel so strongly about it. You don't feel so good in and admitting those to yourself. And I think jealousy is one of the best indicators or ways to notice this and recognize these things.

because it is deeply rooted in insecurity. Jealousy is deeply rooted in insecurity. So look at jealousy the way you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning when you first get up to go to brush your teeth or right after you go pee in the morning. You don't always look good in the morning. Chances are you probably look pretty bad in the morning. Your hair is a mess. You have bed head. Your breath's maybe not so great. You need to put on deodorant. You have to pee. Maybe you have to shit and

There's bags under your eyes, maybe you're exhausted, maybe you didn't sleep that well. Like, that is what jealousy looks like too. It's not so pretty, is it? Not all of our emotions are, and they're not supposed to be. But jealousy sure is a mirror to how we're feeling about ourselves or something in our lives. What is the thing that's making you feel that way? What is the thing that's making you feel jealous of this person and what they have?

Is it the bedhead? Is it the bags under your eyes? Is it the bad breath? Which one is it? Which one is the thing that's making you feel the way about the person or the thing? And it's usually ugly or imperfect. And the thing is, we don't like to analyze those insecurities and look them in the face. Like, I talked about society as like a thing that has pushed down our insecurities into like, don't talk about those, push them down.

put them back, like if you're a guy specifically choked, if you're a guy specifically, don't talk about those, put them back down. And ourselves, we don't like to talk about them. Like outside of society, like we don't like to do that either. Human beings don't like to admit our flaws or our faults or our insecurities or our imperfections. We like to cover it up and wash our face and brush it away and wash our hair as fast as possible.

We wet our hair and shower and put in gel. We brush our teeth. We wash our face. We go to the bathroom. We wipe. We do all the things. We don't like to stay in that ugly place for too long because who does? It's hard to look at jealousy in the face and ask yourself, why am I feeling that way? What is making me feel insecure? What is making me feel vulnerable and weak? What's making me jealous? None of us want to admit that we want to cover it up.

We want to move on and get on with our day and go to the next thing and distract ourselves from the things that are actually bothering us, the things that are making us feel jealous. We want to do all these things to get out of our head and none of us want to deal with the insecurities or the vulnerabilities. And I think this is the most important one here using jealousy as a mirror because it's the hardest to do. It's the hardest to master. It's the one that makes you feel weakest and lowest.

To say to yourself, don't have the thing that I want, but they do, is hard. Like that's annoying and it's, why do they have that and I don't? Like that's, it sucks. Like it sucks to have to admit that. Especially when it's a friend. That's really hard. Because you wanna be supportive and you wanna be there for them, but you also have your own thoughts and your own feelings about the way things are for you.

And it's important to acknowledge your own flaws and insecurities and you don't have tell them to anybody else. You don't have to admit them out loud. You can just say them to yourself, acknowledge them yourself so you can continue to be supportive of the friends or whoever it is because that positive energy you're putting out to that person will surely flow back to you. I really do believe that. And if you can take the time to figure out the thing that's bothering you, that's where you can now build from.

There are a lot of different traits to feel jealous of and I can't prescribe that to you or the way you're feeling. Only you can do that. I can of course prescribe my own. I have my own things. We all have our own things. Everybody is jealous of somebody at some time or another. And what can you do about it? How can you then use that thing for good? Well, that leads me to my third use of jealousy. Jealousy as a motivator.

As a motivator, think jealousy can push you to do something you otherwise may not have done or otherwise may not have think you could ever do. Maybe you didn't think you could, but seeing somebody else do it means it can be done by you too. If they have that thing, so could you. If they accomplished that or did that or got that, surely it can be something you can accomplish.

or do, or get. Instead of feeling jealous or envious of that person or that thing, use it to your advantage. Now that you've taken it as an indicator, and you've looked at it in the face as a mirror, now you can use it as a motivator, as a map, as a guide, as a compass. You're not copying them, you're using what you know and the tools around you.

to influence what you now do, create what you want to create, to live the life that you want to live. I think this is one of the best things jealousy can offer us. It's like a gift that jealousy gives us because whenever jealousy comes up, like we can take a second and step back and be like, okay, why am I feeling that way? Why do I feel that way about the person, especially a person I really like? Like I like them. I'm actually happy that they have that.

But at the same time, I'm pretty jealous that they do. I'm, I'm jealous that they get that thing or that they got that opportunity or they have that relationship or they got that thing, whatever it is. Like there's a million different prescriptions I can say to that. The thing that they have, the thing they got, I think they accomplished. That's why I put it in those three categories. Got, have, accomplish, because there's so many things. And that is the hardest moment when you want to be happy for them and you probably are also happy for them.

but at the same time, you're jealous of it because you want that thing too, or there's something about that thing that you want. It doesn't have to be exactly the same thing that they have that you want, but maybe there's a piece of it, maybe there's a part of it. And that is a hard way to feel. It's a hard emotion to kind of balance on. It's kind of like a balance beam. Like you're like, I'm happy for them, but at the same time, I would like something like that in my life. Like I'm supportive of them, I'm enthusiastic, I'm congratulating them, I'm really excited for them.

But at the same time, there's something missing from my life that there's something that I would want too. Like I'm happy, but I'm envious. I'm happy, but I'm jealous. I'm happy, but I'm a little sad for myself or a little pity throwing a little bit of a pity party for myself. And like, I think when you hear me say this, you can prescribe your own meaning to this form of jealousy. Like obviously the person that wrote in has their own

form or reason that they wrote in and asked is it a bad thing that they're jealous of their friend and I'm doing this whole episode to say that I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it can be used in good ways. I think there are ways to re kind of rebalance the jealousy and when you decide to use it as a motivator you're not copying them. You're not comparing to them.

You're trying, you're doing something new, you're trying something else. I truly think that jealousy can be used as a force for good if used correctly, if identified properly. I think it also can be something that's really bad if those things don't happen, if you don't use it as a force for good, if you don't take the step back to be like, why do I feel this way?

And maybe how can I take the steps to get the thing that they have or to change my life in that direction or do the thing that I've always wanted to do but never thought I could do. But now that they've done it, maybe I could also do it. I think when it's used negatively or when you don't not use negatively, but when it manifests really negatively, it can make your life really.

ugly or make that situate not your life, but that make that situation really ugly, especially in I said earlier relationships like I think if you're dating somebody and you're jealous of them, maybe it's career. Maybe it's something they have something that they possess like a quality a trait. I think that is really not not the best and I think that's a reason to

have a real conversation around that and be like, hey, I am feeling this way. Like, I'm sorry that I am, but like, I wanna like let you know so it doesn't like come up in a way that I don't mean it to. Or that's a reason to like seek out like a couples therapist or like a counselor or something. Like if it's in a relationship, I think it's really different than in a friendship because in a friendship, I don't think you have to say that you're jealous of the friend or that you want what the friend has. think...

you can do the bit of soul searching and the bit of like self discovery to be like, all right, here's the reason I'm jealous. Here's the thing I want that they have. Acknowledge it, put it to the side and also be excited for them. Like I think once you do that, those couple things, I don't even think it has to be this big like soul searching thing. I don't, it doesn't have to be that I use like the whole like bathroom mirror thing is like an analogy. I hope that made any sense. But I think at the same time you can quickly be like, like I'm, I'm, really happy for them, but like I'm also kind of

feeling shitty about myself, I feel that way because of this. Okay, like I feel that way because of this. Done. Put that aside and now go tell them you're happy for them and you can actually be happier for them because you've solved that yourself. Like you're not even feigning happiness. You actually do feel the happiness and excitement for them. And I think it is so important to support your friends. Like I think I'm going to go away from them from the relationship thing for a second because you asked about friendships specifically. And I gave my quick advice about jealousy and relationships. I think

that can manifest really ugly. Relationships being like romantic relationships, like with a girlfriend or a boyfriend or whoever, like that can manifest in a really ugly way. In a friendship, I think you can acknowledge your own shit, shit for lack of a better word, and then be like, all right, I'm happy for them, because I think it is so important to be excited for your friends. I think that is one of the most important things in our 20s that...

Supporting your friends and genuinely being excited for them is like it there's no better feeling I'm sure you felt it too when your friends are excited for something that happened to you like there's no better feeling when somebody reaches out and says like that was so cool or like Congratulations, or like I'm really happy this happened for you. Like I love this. I'm so excited for you Like there's no better feeling and if you take one thing away from this episode like I think it is so important to be a supportive friend to be

I think it's the best way to be a good friend, to be happy for your friends. And the way to be happiest for your friends is acknowledge the thing that's making, in this jealousy circumstance, is acknowledge the thing that's making you feel jealous. And once you acknowledge it, you can be happier for them and be more supportive of them. If identified properly and with some honesty and some...

Realness with yourself, just being real with yourself, which we all have the ability to do that none of us like to do because it's difficult, it's hard, it's annoying, it's like stressful and it makes us anxious to have to like be like, ugh, like why am I feeling this way? Like nobody likes to do that. But when you do and you look the bedhead or the bad breath version of yourself in the mirror, I think you can turn jealousy into a motivator.

So is it bad to be jealous of your friend? It can be, but I'm gonna say no for the most part. I think it's a normal human emotion that so many of us feel throughout every day, throughout every week. Like I think it is such a normal person thing to feel jealous. And I think if you can control your jealousy and if you can more importantly understand your jealousy, understand the place it's coming from and why you're feeling that way, you can turn it from the maybe bad

into really good, into something that's really positive and will make your life so much better. That is the episode, oh, happy birthday mom. She listens and my dad listens every single week and I love you, happy birthday. 60th birthday, that's crazy, happy 60th birthday. I love you so much. That is the episode, thank you so much for listening to Guy's Guide. I'm sorry, should I not have said your age? I don't know, it's fine. Age is a good thing. Growing, getting older is a good thing. Okay, nevermind.

That is the episode. Thank you so much. Listen to guys set a guy's guide to what should be talked about. I'm Josh. I'm 25 years old and I'm here every single week, every single Tuesday to talk about what should be talked about for guys. If you have anything to talk about that should be talked about for guys, head over to guyset.com G U Y S E T.com. And there is an ask me anything section right there. You can write in, it goes right to me. It can be anonymous. You can say whatever you want and I will be sure to talk about it. I'll probably do an entire episode.

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