Learning To Live Without with Jack Ciapciak

Today's guest, Jack, went viral on TikTok for sharing his story about losing a loved one and has continued to share what it's like to lose someone you love and grieve that loss. I think that it's an incredibly hard topic to talk about, but such an important one. And I'm so happy to have had this conversation with Jack and to be able to share it with you today.

I don't think anybody really knows how to navigate grief, how to talk about it around someone you lost yourself or how to help a friend who's lost someone. So I think that this conversation will be valuable to literally everybody because most people have experienced something like that or know somebody who has experienced something like that. So if you have lost someone or if you know somebody who's lost someone, this episode is for you and dedicated to you.

I hope you're doing okay today and I think that this episode will help you in whatever you're going through or if you know somebody going through something right now. So without further ado, please welcome Jack Chapchak, try saying that 10 times quick, Jack Chapchak to Geisset.

Josh Felgoise (01:35.33)

Jack, thank you so much for coming on Guy Set. I will tell everyone just how I found you and why I think it's so important to talk about the topic that we're going to talk about today. Four guys in their 20s for young guys. I think it's a topic that like we never discuss as young guys. First of all, welcome. How is everything going? How are you doing so far? Good. Thank you. Happy to be here and thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about this and

and share my story with more people. really appreciate it. Yeah, I'm really excited about it. I think this was kind of like meant to be. I came across your video for the first time. You posted a TikTok for anybody that hasn't seen it. I'm sure a lot of people have, a lot of people haven't. You posted a TikTok and I'll let you explain it, but it reached I think almost 12 million people and it was just an unbelievable reach. So...

And it was about your grief and the loss that you experienced recently. So let's start there. So if you want to share kind of why you posted the video and what kind of happened when you did, let's start there. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So my fiance passed away suddenly in December of twenty twenty two. So it's been a little over two years and I had reached a point in my grief where, you know,

Things were getting back to normal. My friends and family are starting to check in less. I think people just assume that I'm doing better, I don't know, after this amount of time. And I have been doing better with my grief. But I turned to TikTok because I felt like, you when my mom would call me and say, hey, are you having a bad day? I knew if I told her the truth, it would ruin her day. And so for some reason, it felt easier to post random videos on TikTok.

and share my grief with strangers than overwhelming or being a burden to my friends and family. So that's what brought me to TikTok. And I started sharing these daily thoughts on grief at the end of January. And I got like 400 followers and there were some other grieving people who started following along and asking questions about my grief story and who I lost. So I decided to start posting a bit about Jack, my late fiance. And one night I put up a story about the bench where I proposed to him and how...

Josh Felgoise (03:56.63)

I ended up turning it into a memorial and I put it up on TikTok. I went to bed and I woke up the next morning and it had a million views. So it completely caught me by surprise. I was not anticipating it to go as far as it has. And it's really been incredible and so comforting and seeing how it's resonated with people and how people have started to open up and share their own stories of grief with me. It's really been incredible. I think what you said about sharing

grief, not wanting to share it with family members because you don't want to ruin their day is so interesting. And I feel like a lot of people can relate to that sentiment in sharing anything. I talk a lot on here about how guys don't really share their emotions or anything in general in fear of how they'll be perceived once they do.

And I think it's really interesting to add that next layer of what you just said about even like not wanting to ruin someone else's day or not wanting to like be a burden to them. So can you talk about that and kind of what that's been what it's been like sharing your feelings and kind of opening up like that to people in your life directly. And then we'll go into how it's been to the public as well.

Well, I will start by saying I am lucky I've got a great support system of family and friends who really have been there for me. So I don't want to act like they haven't because they have. But I think it's an internal thing. Like it's a youth thing not wanting to share. Yeah. So it's not about them. Yeah. Totally. And at the same time, especially young men, think none of us are equipped to deal with grief. You know, before I lost my fiance, I never knew what to say to a friend to it.

lost someone or there's times when I would think, I shouldn't bring it up because I don't want to upset them. And what I found after losing Jack was it upset me more when I would run into someone and I knew they knew and they didn't say anything. And I could tell that they were trying to avoid it or were uncomfortable. And I wanted to just say to them, it's OK, you can acknowledge it because you're not going to upset me. It's always on my mind. And now all I'm thinking about is the fact that you haven't said anything. Right.

Josh Felgoise (06:05.41)

But I think just generally, none of us are equipped for this. We don't know how to deal with it when something like this happens. And especially young guys, you're absolutely right. Like I remember going, a group of Jack's guy friends from high school took me out to dinner probably two months after we passed. And they wanted to get me out of the house. It was really sweet. They put this together. But I remember sitting at that dinner and like, none of them were talking about Jack or bringing it up. And I think...

in their mind, they were doing the right thing. They were trying to distract me and give me this fun night out. But all I wanted to do was talk about him. And I remember sitting there and it just made me feel even more lonely and isolated. And I think eventually I started bringing him up, you and then it kind of opened the floodgates and we talked about him and how we were all doing. and I, know, it's, they were doing what they thought was the right thing. And it's something that probably how I would have handled it, you know, before I went through this. So.

So it's been a learning experience, I think, for me, for my friends, for my family. And the other thing is, know, everyone deals with grief differently. Like for me, I find it comforting to talk about him and share stories and other people don't, you know? So it's a very, you know, it's specific to each person. And when I turn to TikTok and share my tips or advice, you know, I say I'm not an expert. I'm just one man who's been grieving and this is what I have found that helps me.

And it might not be the same for everyone, but my whole mission right now is just to get people to be more comfortable talking about grief, sharing their feelings and being authentic, speaking their mind. And I just hope that'll be a takeaway that people have from watching my videos or whatever. I love what you're doing. I think it's having a massive impact. I you're seeing that in the growth of your channels and what you're sharing on social media. So.

Personally, I love what you're doing. think it's amazing. And we do similar things. It's funny that like I always say like I'm not an expert on any of the topics I talk about, but I'm just willing to talk about it. And I think you need that person or just somebody to kind of like be like, hey, like I'm not I'm not equipped with all these tools, but I'm going to try and I'm going to share my experience with you and be as open and honest as possible. And I think that that is sometimes like that's just really beneficial and valuable.

Josh Felgoise (08:26.93)

I love what you're doing. Thank you. That's great. I appreciate that a lot. Thank you. What is kind of a message you got in the beginning from somebody that really resonated that like you would recommend to somebody who doesn't know what to say to somebody else who's grieving like the the friends that you that didn't really know what to say to you like what's a good message someone could send to somebody because I think that's a really hard text to send. So what absolutely what did you appreciate the most?

honestly, what I always say is there's no right thing to say and there's no wrong thing to say. The only wrong thing to do is say nothing. you know, cause nothing you say is going to make that person's pain go away, you know? So just acknowledging it. Like I would say, if you, if someone you know has lost someone, just send them a text and say, Hey, I'm thinking of you. I'm here if you need anything. It can be as simple as that. Or, you know, even in those early days,

some of my friends would just send me like a heart emoji every morning, just to let me know that they were thinking of me. And that meant more than I ever thought an emoji would. So depending on how close you are with the person, know, just offer to be there, give your sympathy, and just anything you can do to let them know that you're thinking of them. Because especially in those early days, just knowing that you have, that you're on people's mind and they are thinking of you, it really does help lift you through those moments.

And another thing, I used to think like, when someone I kind of knew would go through a loss, I'd think like, I'm not close enough. Like I, I should give them space. Like I'm not going to reach out. And what I found was the messages that meant the most to me were the people I never expected to reach out, you know? And like at the funeral, the people that showed up who I never in a million years thought would do that for me and be there for me. Those almost meant more than the close friends and family who I...

you know, expected to be there and knew they would. So that was a lesson for me. And like, you know, if you want to reach out to someone, you know that even if it's an acquaintance, there's no harm in sending a message. That's what I what I feel. think that will be really helpful to a lot of people because it's the it's such a hard thing to navigate and nobody knows what to do. So hearing from somebody like you, who's experienced on the other side is just a really great perspective to hear.

Josh Felgoise (10:49.902)

Because I've been in that too, where I was like, don't know if I should. There was a girl who I went to school with recently who lost her father. And I was like, I don't know if I should send her a message. So I added like a heart on Instagram on the comments. And I feel like people just don't know what to do. Right, right. And what you said about like the sending you a heart, I think it's as simple as that. And I really like hearing that. I'm happy that that had as big of an impact as it was. And I'm sure anybody who did that for you.

would love to hear that too, like that it really did impact you. Absolutely. Absolutely. So how has the public kind of response been to you sharing this story and your kind of daily thoughts on grief? You go on TikTok every day or on Instagram every day and you share how you're feeling today. So how has that response been? The response has been incredible. I think the best part of all of this is the community it's created on my TikTok page of

other widows or parents grieving a child, people who lost a pet that meant the world to them. You so many people are opening up and sharing their grief. And I think what I've learned is most people don't have the support system that I had. You know, there's one, I remember one comment early on from a woman who said, my husband died seven years ago and no one has said his name to me in five years. And that just like took my breath away and broke my heart, you know? So.

getting to create this space where people are talking with each other, lifting each other up in the comments. Like that's just been incredible to witness that there's some good that can come out of the internet or TikTok, you know? So that's been really beautiful. And then in terms of sharing my grief, know, it's been very healing for me. You know, it's forces me to check in with myself every day and process my thoughts. So I've been feeling better than I have since the loss. So it's been helping me a ton.

But you know, there's some days like earlier this week I posted, I don't want to talk about grief today. You know, I was kind of tapped out, you know, like it does take a lot to sit with your emotions, process them and share them with people. So I feel like I hit a wall earlier this week of like, what am I doing? Like how long can I, how long is this sustainable? And I was, I've been thinking about, know, I want to share other things on my page too, you know, other than grief. feel.

Josh Felgoise (13:10.19)

Everything in my life relates back to grief, so it will always be a common thread. But I feel like I'm at a point now where I need to mix it up a bit just because it is taking a toll on me, if that makes sense. It totally makes sense. I I'm so, I was so kind of curious about how someone in your shoes balances like life and moving on and moving forward without obviously forgetting. like, how does somebody in your position

And I think it's a question like I've always had. I've never spoken to somebody like you who's been in this position. Like how do you balance moving forward while never forgetting the person and keeping their memory alive and dealing with the grief? How do you balance all of that? Right. That's a great question. And I wish I had a good answer to it. But I think it's just you wake up every day and you you check in with yourself and you do what you need to do to get through each day. And

For me, feel as if Jack died when he was 30. We were planning a wedding together. We had this future planned out. So the hardest part for me was grieving my future. I wasn't just grieving my past with Jack. It was letting go of the life I had envisioned for myself. So that was very difficult. And yeah, I don't know. It's hard. It's like Jack is always going to be a part of me.

And you know, he's, feel as if he lives within me in some ways. I'm a different person because I loved him and he loved me. he's, he changed so much about me. So I feel like no matter what happens in my life, I'll always be carrying him with me. and I don't know, I think it just, it's taken time to get to a point where, you know, I've started dating a little bit and that's weird. Yeah, no, no, I'm an, I'm an open book. I'll, but,

But yeah, like dating is really hard because, well, first of all, before the TikTok, I had gone on some like hinge dates and, you I didn't tell the person on hinge that I'm matching with, by the way, my fiance died, you know? So it was weird. Like the first date I went on, I thought, I'm not gonna bring it up. And then I sat there the whole night and the guy's asking me these questions like, what'd you do during the pandemic? And why are you new on hinge? And I'm like, okay, I just sat there and lied to this guy the whole night by trying to avoid.

Josh Felgoise (15:32.172)

talking about Jack. So the next day I went on, was like, okay, if it comes up, comes up. I, it happened through the conversation, the guy asked me, know, why are you new to Hinge? Or, you know, and I said, or what, was, when was your most recent relationship? And so I said, you know, you know, this is going to get heavy, but I was engaged in my fiance past and the guy was like, my God, like he, handled it really well. He was very sweet. But then he said, don't worry. You know, I've been trauma dumped on before. And I was just like, okay, well that doesn't make me.

feel great. So then I stopped. after those two experiences, I thought, you know what, I'm not ready for this. But then I had a few setups, some friends set me up with people and that was great because going in, I knew that the person knew about it. now moving forward, I feel like thanks to TikTok, now if I go on a date with someone,

I assume they'll Google me before we go on a date. I always Google the person I'm going on a date with. So I feel like moving forward, I've put it out into the universe now. So hopefully I never have to tell anyone my story anymore and they'll just know going in, I guess. It should make it easier. yeah. I hope so. That's hard. mean, think that's kind of what I'm saying. It's like you're kind of stuck between the two things and not stuck. don't know if that's the right word or not, it's like... no, you're torn in two ways.

Yeah, it's complicated. And I think it's a lot for someone else to take on, you know, so I don't know. I have faith I'll find someone again and I want to find someone again. I miss sharing my life with someone. So I'm hopeful that the right person's out there that'll be able to take this on and understand that, you know, my heart will always, you know, share love for Jack with whoever the new person is. Well, you will and they are out there.

How did Jack pass? I meant to ask you that earlier, but how did he pass? He had an undiagnosed heart condition. So we were in St. Louis where I grew up for Christmas and it was the early morning of Christmas Eve and he was having stomach pains. He wasn't feeling well. We'd been at a friend's engagement party the night before. So he was thinking, know, maybe I drank too much. But

Josh Felgoise (17:49.646)

He went and yeah, I don't, I won't go into like the details, but pretty much he wasn't feeling well and it was pretty quick and his heart just gave out. Um, and I'm thankful I was with him. Um, and I'm thankful that it was something quick and you know, pretty much painless. Um, and you know, I, I, it took about a month though, to get the autopsy. So at the time we didn't know what happened. I didn't know if it was a heart attack or, or what, or, um,

You know, didn't know what happened because she's a 30 year old guy who's perfectly healthy. You know, he shouldn't just drop debt, you know? So the, that first month of waiting for the autopsy was really difficult. and the finally getting the autopsy and learning about, know, the heart condition he had, that gave me some peace. Cause I knew, okay, there's, cause I was thinking that first month, what could I have done differently or how it could I have saved him and

Basically how it was explained to me is, know, there's nothing that could have been done. Even if he knew about this, it was something, you know, that, that couldn't be fixed. So, so that brought me some comfort to know. yeah, just sucks. Yeah. I mean, it, it, it's a reminder that like, you just never know what could happen the next day. Like it's, it's so, it's so crazy how precious it all can be and how quickly it can all be torn away from you or somebody you love.

Absolutely. What have you kind of like, yeah, go ahead. I just wanted to take this moment to recommend everyone get their heart screened. You know, like I would get a physical every year and I never had an EKG even offered to me. You know, I think I guess it's not until we're in our 40s maybe that they do that regularly. I don't even know. But so, you know, after Jack Pass, I went and got all sorts of tests done for peace of mind. But so I'd highly encourage, I mean, get your physicals every year.

And ask for an EKG if you're not being offered it. Because you never know. Yeah, absolutely. think that's thank you for saying that. Yeah, it's hard to have like a lesson in all of this, right? Like there's not there's no lesson in all of this. But if you had to pick, I don't know, or choose something that you gained from all of this, whether it's new perspective, whether it's being able to share Jack's kind of.

Josh Felgoise (20:07.57)

message with the world, which you've been able to do in a really insane way. I think it's insane what you've done. It's really powerful. Is there anything from this that you've kind of taken? Yes, absolutely. And you touched on a few of the things. But first of all, the new perspective. Like I used to be the biggest warrior. I was always anxious and stressed about things. And all of that went out the window when Jack passed. I when you lose someone.

especially so suddenly and so out of order. It just gives you a new perspective on what matters in life and how you wanna spend your time and who you wanna spend it with. So I'm so grateful for the new perspective this has given me. And then sharing him with the world has just been incredible and seeing how it's helped other people who are dealing with grief. I mean, that's been the most beautiful thing for me because I feel like I'm finally finding a purpose.

in his passing, you know, and I feel like his life is making a difference. And and yeah, that his story is helping other people is just means so much to me. And and yeah, I feel like I'm finally finding a purpose in it. And I think that's just I'm so grateful. That's beautiful. And I know this experience also brought you to the Drew Barrymore show. Yes. Explain.

How that happened and what that experience was like. And for anybody that hasn't seen the video, maybe helpful to give the context of the bench to. Yes, absolutely. So the bench where I proposed to Jack and I turned it into a memorial for him and I put a quote on the bench from a Drew Barrymore movie, Never Been Kissed. Her character says, find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it. And that was a movie that Jack loved, a quote that he loved. And it was how he lived his life. He always talked about how once he came out and started

living authentically, everything in his life fell into place. So I decided to put that quote on the bench and it was featured in the post that I put up on TikTok. So immediately people started tagging Drew Barrymore and the Drew Barrymore Show. And it didn't take long. Like within a few days, I got an email from one of her producers saying, know, Drew saw the video, she wants to meet you. And they invited me to a taping. And so going in, I didn't really know what to expect. They invited me to be in the audience and I, but they didn't really give me any details. Like I...

Josh Felgoise (22:27.906)

They said I'd get to meet Drew, but I just, I didn't know what to expect. So we got there and we were kind of treated like normal audience members. I took Jack's twin sister, my sister-in-law and another one of Jack's friends from growing up. But we got into our seats, the taping starts, you know, they start playing the music and introduce Drew and everyone's clapping and cheering. And she walks out and she just like locked eyes with me and she like told them to stop the music and she goes, are you Jack?

And I said yes, and she said, my God, she said, okay, I have to do this right now. And the producer had said after the taping, if there's time, you know, maybe we can make a video for digital with Drew. But I was not expecting her to do that, you know, right out of the gate. I don't think she was planning on it either, but then I think she got out there and saw me right in her face and was like, I have to do this. Which just shows how genuine she really is because you could just tell it's like she zeroed in and was like, okay, I have to do this right now.

And she came over and she hugged me and I swear the hug lasted about five minutes and I think we both were crying. And then she pulled back and turns and says, do you care if I tell the audience, you know, what's going on here? So she shared my story with the guests and the audience and then asked me some questions about Jack. And while I was talking, I said something about how Jack didn't waste any time and how he lived life to the fullest. And she looked at me and she said, you're never going to believe this, but

the next segment we're about to tape, I'm getting a tattoo and the word that I chose to get tattooed is the word time. And she showed it to me, like stenciled on her hand. And she said, if you wouldn't mind, I'd love to dedicate it to Jack. so then they went and she got the tattoo and what was crazy about that as well was she was getting the tattoo on air with Savannah Guthrie, who was there to promote a book on faith. And so they had this discussion about faith and tattoos.

and Drew shared that one of the first tattoos she ever got was of a cross. So I'm sitting there and Jack loved tattoos and his first tattoo was a cross. after she got the tattoo, I came over and I shared that with her. But so there were just all these amazing signs while I was there. And it really, felt Jack's presence with me and it just, exceeded my wildest expectations. She couldn't have been more lovely and gracious and genuine. it felt so real and.

Josh Felgoise (24:45.6)

It blew me away and it meant the world to me. And the way that, you know, her show posting my story, it helped me reach a whole new audience and get to share Jack with so many more people. And so it's just, it was really incredible. And I'm very grateful to her team and for her for doing that for me. It was amazing. I got to watch along as it happened and it was amazing. I saw the clip on her show on TikTok and I reached out to you after.

I'll tell I'll tell a little bit about how we met, too, because I didn't share that. Yeah. But when I saw your video, when I first saw it on my for you page, I clicked on you and I saw that you were following me on Tick Tock. And I'm always surprised when somebody's following me on Tick Tock. So I immediately reached out to you and was like, this story is amazing. I hope you're doing OK. I just wanted to say hi. You shared that you're doing OK. And I know two weeks later, probably.

I was walking in the West Village. This is last week for us now, right? Right. Maybe a couple more than that. But I had I was having a bad day. I was just like having like a weird work day. And I went on like a long walk. And that's what I usually do when I like to clear my thoughts. And that's my way of that. That's just my way of like meditation. I've that's I recommend it to everybody. I'm all about walking. So I agree. It's the greatest thing. And I.

went to the bench and this is before I met you. I went to the bench and I was like, I, cause I told you I wanted to go see it. So I went and I made a video and I put it on my TikTok and it also blew up. And I think that was amazing. It was a great part of this. And then two weeks later, I'm kind of on this very similar walk and I look across the street and I saw you and I noticed your glasses because they're very distinct. And I said,

And I like, I walked past you and I did a double take. kept walking and I was like, I think that's Jack. So I walked back and I looked across the street and I was like, are you Jack? Which kind of really reminded me of what you were saying about Drew Barrymore. I was like, Jack, and you were like, yes. And you know exactly who I was. And we got to walk for like 10 minutes and we, I asked you about how that was and your experience so far.

Josh Felgoise (26:58.094)

And then after I left that with you, I was like, why would I have not asked him to come on my podcast? I was like, it's the perfect place to bring you on and share your story and share advice for guys, because so many young guys, as I said in the beginning, don't know how to deal with this topic, because it's just it's something that we don't talk about. It's something that really should be talked about a lot more. And I think you're doing it in an amazing way. So this all just kind of felt like it was meant to be. I'm.

Absolutely. So happy to have you here to talk about all this today. But I wanted to share that in the beginning. I totally forgot and it's fine now. But all good. Well, thank you. And yeah, no, meant to be. What kind of advice would you give to somebody who's in this for the first time, who lost somebody recently and just doesn't know how to deal, how to grieve? What advice would you give to somebody? Right. I think the best advice I received right after Jack passed

someone texted me and said, let yourself feel, feel everything. The pain, if you're lucky enough to have joy, you just have to let yourself feel every emotion as it comes up because if you try to suppress it, it'll work its way up eventually. And so I really took that to heart and I just, I'm glad that she sent me that message because every day I would just think, okay, how am I feeling? If I'm sad, I let myself be sad, which I was sad for a very long time.

Still am sometimes. But yeah, I don't know, it sounds so simple, but just letting yourself feel what you're feeling in every moment and not judging yourself for whatever feelings you're having or not beating yourself up for it. If you're sad, you deserve to be sad, so lean into it. If you need to cry, cry it out. I always feel better after I get it out. So I think my advice is just let yourself feel what you're feeling. Don't force anything.

And yeah, just listen to yourself. You have to sit with it. And I think some people try to avoid it or run away from it, but it'll catch up with you eventually. What are some things that you did, some tools you developed in the past two and a half years, when those feelings came up and you wanted to learn how to kind of cope with them? What are the coping mechanisms you've developed? Yeah. Well, first of all, I started

Josh Felgoise (29:22.226)

I'm seeing a grief psychologist early on and that guy like totally saved me and helped me through this and I don't know what I would have done without him. So I'm a big fan of therapy and it's, that's been the most helpful thing that I've done. But also I, know, so many friends sent me books and podcasts about grief or loss or the afterlife or signs, you know, so.

I feel like reading things, you know, in that space really helped me and brought me a lot of comfort. And then podcasts, Anderson Cooper's podcast, All There Is, which is about grief. That was super helpful to me early on. He has a different guest every week who shares kind of a different perspective on grief. And every week I was taking away something new and it just also, made me feel less alone in my grief. So I loved that. And then leaning on friends and family, you know,

Jack too had a, he had a twin sister, Charlotte, who I'm very close with. And that first year especially, I think we texted each other every morning just checking in with each other. So, you know, having the support that I had, leaning on my friends and family was a big part and really helped me. And then walking, my daily walks, I love that you just gave that plug to your daily walks because dude, I think walking fixes everything. Like,

It just, it's for my mental health, you know? It's necessary. I need my walk every day. And it's helped me with my career too. I'm a writer and like, you when I'm stuck and can't think of, you know, where to go next, I go out on a walk, think about my writing. just, helps with everything. So the walks have helped, podcasts, books, therapy, friends and family. I think that's, it's been a big combination of all those things.

What podcasts or books do you recommend to somebody in that position or if for the let me rephrase that. What are some books or podcasts that you recommend to somebody who's dealing with grief for the first time for podcasts? All there is by Anderson Cooper, which I mentioned earlier, that was so helpful for me. And then for books, you know what? They're right here. Do you me to grab them? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Josh Felgoise (31:36.684)

Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking. Signs by Larellyn Jackson. And this book, After, by Bruce Grayson. It's about near-death experiences and it just gave me a lot of comfort. I think that book Signs, though, by Larellyn Jackson was the most helpful for me because it opened my mind to being open to signs. You it's not something I ever believed in.

I don't know. that one kind of shifted my whole perspective on loss and the afterlife. And it's just brought me a lot of comfort. What is your take on signs now? Because I lost my grandmother three years ago. I lost two grandmothers in the span of like three months. I'm sorry. And I mean, it's a while ago. It's still sad, of course. But my mom and I last summer we saw a TikTok and it was like...

feathers, white feathers are like a sign that somebody like you see somebody. So now every time I pass a white feather, I send her a picture and so does she. And it's a really nice way of like she's with us every day. And it's just it's it's as you know, it can sound like really. Not dumb, don't want to say dumb, but it may sound like a bit like you. just a weird thing, but like it's a way to kind of keep that person alive and remember her whenever you pass something.

that. So what is your take on it? I so I feel the exact same way. I guess I used to think that, it was kind of dumb or like, people just told themselves these things to make them feel better. And maybe that's what I'm doing. But you know what, it brings me so much comfort. And I love the signs. But I have a lot of different signs from Jack now. So initially, every time I saw a matte black G wagon, I would think of him because that was like his dream car.

And I feel like they would pop up like right when I needed them. Like if I was having a really bad day, I'd be going on my walk and there's the matte black G-Wagon, you know? So the G-Wagon seems to appear whenever I need a little lift, pick me up from Jack. So I love that. Love that. And then Cherries became a big one because of this book. So in the book Signs, Laura Lynn Jackson talks about asking your person for signs. You don't just have to wait for them to appear, but you can ask for

Josh Felgoise (33:53.152)

So her example in the book was oranges. She asked someone for oranges and then, you know, next thing she knew all these oranges would be whatever. So that day I was home in St. Louis and I had a friend who had dedicated a cherry tree to Jack in a park there. So I had just read about the oranges. So I thought, okay, cherries. Jack, like if this is real, you know, send me cherries. And sure enough, like an hour later, I got back to my parents' house and my nephew, Kip, was playing in the backyard. And I go out there.

And he goes, look, Jack, and he picks up cherries off the ground. He goes, look, cherries. And I was just like, oh my God, like I couldn't believe it. And I went inside and I asked my mom, I was like, do we have a cherry tree in our yard? And she's like, no, like I don't know what you're talking about. So we've never found cherries in the yard before or after that moment. I don't know where Kip got those cherries, but it just felt like such a huge sign and it really solidified my faith in them. And so now moving forward after that moment, cherries are a big one for me.

And they also continue to pop up, I feel, in moments when I need a little pick-me-up from Jack. So I have very much leaned into the signs. I encourage everyone else to open their heart and minds to it because it's not hurting anyone to believe in this stuff. 100%. brings a lot of comfort, you know? I completely agree with you. It doesn't hurt at all. It only helps. only makes every day easier and better. Totally. And we're all human. There's no other way to deal with all of this stuff. So I completely agree with you. I love the signs.

Yeah, do whatever you need to do to get through this, because that's how I feel. And don't be a hater about this kind of stuff. Let people be. Let them have what they need to have. That's how I feel. Speaking of haters, have you received any negative feedback from sharing this journey? I'm assuming not, but have you? I mean, it's very little, I will say. Like, 99 % of the comments and messages have been so positive.

There was some homophobic stuff, know, some comments and stuff, but not as much as I thought there would be. There was one that actually like upset me. I shared in the post, know, like when I see the sun shining down on the bench, I feel like Jack is shining down on me. And someone wrote, he's not shining down on you because he's in hell for his sins. people fucking suck. People suck, but I'm just like...

Josh Felgoise (36:16.046)

Can you imagine like going onto a grieving man's page and writing that? Like, it just made me sad for that person. I'm like, God, how miserable is your life that you've got to come here and spew that hate, you know? So as I said though, like that's one message out of how many. So it's fine. It is what it is. But it was a reminder that there are, you know, there's still some haters out there in the world. But, and then, you know, I recently had someone comment like, he's trying to profit off of the death.

of his loved one and I'm like, listen buddy, I've not really made a dime yet. I would love to profit off this. I feel like I deserve that from the world. I was like, I'm not here to make a profit off his death. I'm here to share his story and help other people and I feel like that's come across in my videos. So I don't know, but then I start to worry if I lean into it too much, is that gonna put people off? Does it feel like I'm using this to...

build a platform. don't know. So these are things that are spewing through my head. Yeah. Well, if I may, if I may respond to that question, if you don't mind. I don't think so at all. mean, I think thank you. One, like you build an amazing community of people who all not rely, but appreciate a video like that from you, who probably look for. mean, I've never thought about how people like until I saw your message.

When I messaged you you like, think your videos are funny. Like they make me smile I was like I've never thought about an impact that it could have on someone like you who's maybe dealing with a hard time Never thought about that And it gave me a completely new meaning to posting on social media gave me a Totally new perspective on why I want to things out to make people smile like that. It's simple Really, but it I love that we yeah, but we over complicate things so much so

What you're doing, I think, is so much more impactful and I think is really beneficial to people. So I wouldn't let that voice in your head because I have that voice, too. That is like, I'm like, well, like, what are people going to say when I put this out? Like, what are friends going to say? What are people going to like? What's the perspective like? And a lot of that held me back from starting everything I did for so long. I think this is episode 97 of this podcast. And thanks. But it took.

Josh Felgoise (38:41.94)

about a year to get started because I had to like, I don't know, in my head, go back and forth of like, how are people going to view me once I do start this? Like, what's that going to change for people? And I never thought about the positive side of it. Like, how are people going to view me positively? Like we, and I saw something recently online that said like, we always think about how people talk about us behind our backs, but we never think about the nice things people say behind our backs. Like there's, we never think about that inverse of

what it could do, what it could open up, what possibilities it could bring, what purpose, as you said, you could find from something like this. So I love that. I hope that you can know that or internalize that at some point and realize that, all of that, all of it, it's never the other side and you're only doing it. Thank you for your pure intention. So I hope that remains true. And I appreciate that. Thank you for saying that. Absolutely. And

I, you said you were a writer. I don't know what you do. What's your, what are you, what's your career? so I'm a TV writer and, I wrote for the show blue bloods on CBS, the cop show. so I worked there for nine years. and the show just ended its run in December. And so now I'm figuring out what's next. I'm working on, writing a pilot right now that I'm developing with my manager. That's kind of semi-autobiographical. It's about.

a young gay widower dealing with life after loss, but it's a comedy because I found there's a lot of humor in this and yeah, so that's what I'm working on right now and hopefully it goes somewhere. So we'll see. I was just gonna say, I hope that you're writing something about you because the amount of comments I got on my video saying like, Jack should write or somebody should write this story.

And I remember reading in your bio that you were a writer and I was like, I think Jack's a writer and everyone was like, he should write his story. So, I, one day I want to write a memoir. I'd love to write a movie about us. You know, one day I will do all of it and I, I hope to, and I can't wait to. So, and I think that's a, that would be a really cool way to transition your kind of platform into like, I'm now I'm writing about this. Like this is right. This is what like I'm, I'm and bring people behind the scenes of like,

Josh Felgoise (40:58.51)

the TV show process and working with the manager on this. I think that could be really cool. great idea. Absolutely. And just sharing the writing process because I'm like, I'm the worst writer in the world. I procrastinate so much. do anything to avoid actually writing. So I would love to share my day and the day in my life would literally be me avoiding my computer all day. So but yeah, you're right. I should start sharing more of that. And I definitely will once things get rolling.

What does that look like though? Like what is that writing process for this kind of pilot or this show? I'd love to hear about that. Yeah, so right now I'm working on a pitch to take out and try to sell it. So it's like I'm putting together like a 20 minute pitch. So I'm basically doing an outline of the first episode and a series overview. You know, what a first season would look like, digging into who the characters are. So that's what I've been working on right now.

Sometimes you start by actually writing the pilot scripts. That's another way to do it. But for this, I'm starting it as a pitch and hoping that someone loves it as much as I do and who's willing to make it. Because I think if anything, this video going viral and the TikToks taking it off have proven that there's an audience here for it. So I think all of this can only help with that. So I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. Is there any other advice you have?

for, I don't know, either somebody who wants to support somebody in the early stages of their grief or somebody going through it. I kind of want to give you the floor to speak and share whatever message you want with an audience. Thank you. Just letting your, let your person know that you're there for them, you know, whether that is texting or calling or if you're close enough and just showing up.

Just letting the person know that they're on your mind and that you are thinking of them and that you are there for whatever they need. I think that's, it's as simple as that. And then also have grace with people who are grieving. sometimes it would take me a few days to respond to messages or, know, sometimes I would cancel plans last minute because I just wasn't feeling up for it. So I think giving your friends who are grieving grace is really important.

Josh Felgoise (43:17.524)

And to the grievers, let yourself take that grace. Like if you're not, you if you made a plan, but you're feeling shitty and had a bad day, like let yourself be a flake and cancel and stay home if that's what you need. You know, don't force yourself to do anything. You don't owe anything to anyone else. You've got to protect yourself and, get yourself through this, you know? So yeah, so that's, was kind of a ramble, but that's just thoughts on my mind. No, it's great. And Jack, what advice do you have for your younger self?

God, that's a great question.

Josh Felgoise (43:56.184)

Wow, wow, you stumped me here. You know what, I'm proud of my younger self because I took risks in life. I've made a lot of my dreams come true. I live in New York. I found someone I loved and I wasn't afraid of it and I went all in right away. I worked hard and got my dream job. So I'm really proud of my younger self and I feel like if anything, he probably has advice for me right now because I think I've lost some of that.

spark and need to get it back. So I don't think there's any advice that I that that he needs, honestly, but I think he could probably tell me something. So I got to figure that out. That's a that's a great answer to that question. And what would you say to somebody similar to you starting dating, starting looking for new relationships? Yeah, that can also be to yourself, too. What what do you have to say to that person?

God, I am so unequipped to give any advice at the moment. Let me tell you on this topic. completely understand. But I guess don't rush it. You I think some people rush into finding someone new because it fills a void. And if that's what they need to do, that's what they need to do. But I'm glad I've waited and taken time until I'm at this point and am now feeling, you know, ready to take it on. So I would say...

Give yourself time to just fix yourself. You know, so I would say wait. But also, do what you want to do. Listen to yourself and if you feel ready, go for it. for me at least, I think I needed to take some time before I even thought about it. And yeah, and you you deserve to be happy again. So I would say that to someone who's thinking, you know.

Is it, you know, should I be dating again or, you know, as am I betraying the person I lost? No, you deserve to be happy and that's what they would want. So that's my advice for them. I think that's great advice. I also think what you said about like being good before you go into something is really important. And I think a lot of people don't do that. And like they don't kind of get all of their shit in check before they dive into something else. I think that is really important to do, because when you feel good about yourself, then you can

Josh Felgoise (46:15.918)

Give that version of yourself over to somebody else, too. And I think that is really important. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Well, Jack, it was really great. This is a really great conversation. Yeah, absolutely. I'm really so happy you came on and we made this happen. I think what you've done for Jack's legacy and his story has been unbelievable. I think it's one of the best examples I've ever seen of social media.

and how good it can be for communities and just how many people out there are looking for something like what you've done. So the fact that you've been able to bring that to people is unbelievable and amazing. I'm so happy to put this episode out with you to share this message, to share what you have with people and for people who don't know what to do to come back here, to come here and hear from you.

and your story so that they can get stronger and kind of move forward. Well, thank you so much. And thank you for giving me the platform and the opportunity to get the message out. really means a lot to me. And thank you for your video at the bench. mean, everything that you've done already and and what you're doing on your page, you know, as you touched on, it does make a difference and it does bring joy to people's life. And you never know who's on the other side of that screen and who needs to see it. So.

Keep doing what you're doing because it does matter and it does make a difference. Thank you. That means a lot. Thanks. That is the episode. Thank you so much for listening to Guy's Guide to What Should Be Talked About. If you like this episode, really hope you did. Please like, subscribe to this podcast. Five stars in review. That's one, two, three, four, five stars. Not four, not three, not two, not one. It's five stars. And leave a review. Subscribe, likes, and follow along so you can get an update every single Tuesday when I drop a new episode.

If you're talking about that should be talked about for guys in their 20s, send it to my DMs. It's at the guy said T H E G U Y S E T on Instagram or to my email, Josh at guyset.com j o s h at G U Y S E T. You can also head over to my website guyset.com G U Y S E T dot com to leave a review a comment anything and message me right from there. You can also check out the magazine that I have a new

Josh Felgoise (48:23.006)

March. No, it's April. April edition of the magazine coming out this Thursday. So you can check that out on guyset.com and you can find everything else on there too. Thank you so much. Listen to guyset, a guys guide to what should be talked about. And I will see you guys next Tuesday. See you guys.