Am I Settling?

There's a moment that happens a few years after college where you look around at your life and ask, am I settling? Like are there things in my life that I'm settled in? And it's really easy to feel like you're settled in a few different areas in your life during this time where

It's been a few years since you've had to been forced to make a lot of big changes Move somewhere move in with people kind of start doing things on your own get a new job, baby get a second new job and You look around and you think have I settled down too much like am I getting a little bit too? Complacent are there areas in my life that I'm happy in I'm content in but I know that I'm not

that happy or I know that I'm not as happy as I could be had I tried something different or had I taken a different risk or had I taken a different route or a different road and there are things in which you're like I kind of think I'm a little bit settled here and I feel a little bit complacent or a little content and not in like the the best way like in a way of I wish or I'd like to do things a little bit differently

And not everything is settling. I do think some people really do find their thing and what they're interested in and what they want to do after college and their person and they find the person they want to date and the person they want to marry and they find where they want to live and what they like to do and they really do find all of that and I don't think that's settling. I think there are a lot of circumstances or some circumstances where people are just really happy and they start to kind of climb

naturally and they progress naturally and they get promotions and they climb whatever ladder they're climbing and feel really good in what they're doing. But that doesn't happen for everyone. And I'd probably go out on a limb and say that doesn't happen for most people. Like most people don't just leave college or a few years after college, find everything that they thought they were meant to do and every person they thought they were meant to meet and just feel really good at in where they're at.

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Like I think for most people that they're not gonna relate to what I was saying as like you leave college and you find the thing that you wanna do and you get that great job or you find that moment or that thing in your career where you're like, is what I wanna be doing and I wanna keep climbing at this company or I wanna do this thing and I found the girl that I wanna get married to and I wanna get engaged and like that doesn't happen for most people. It definitely happens for some, but for most I would say that that is not the scenario. That's not the situation or the circumstance.

And it doesn't always come naturally and easy and a lot of the time you start to find your thing or you start somewhere and you fall into a routine or a job or you start to live somewhere and that is just now where you live and you start to date someone and that is just kind of now who you date and it's hard to break out from any of those things once you get used to it or once you get used to them.

We get complacent and we like the way that things are even if we feel like something is missing or not completely right. And it's really hard to just like shake it all up Chicago because something may not potentially work out if you do shake it up. Like if you decide to leave a job or you decide to leave the girl you're seeing or you decide to move cities, like it may not work.

You may then end up in a city that you don't actually like or you may end up in a place where you feel even more alone or even more kind of like, don't really know what I'm doing. You may take a job where you feel even more lost than you did before or more off the path you thought you would be on. You may date somebody else you like even less and be like, fuck, I wish I had what I used to have. And the fear of what could happen if you do try or if you do take a risk,

holds us back a lot of the time from ever even trying. And that leads us into that question of, I settled? Have I been complacent? Am I settled down into something that is good, but is not great? Am I settled into something that like I'm happy with, but I know there's something more for me if I had taken that risk or if I still do take that risk. But what could potentially go wrong or what might potentially happen holds us back from even trying in the first place.

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And you know that you could try your hand at something else, but that still might be the wrong thing. And that attitude towards change pushes us back into that routine where we feel like we're settling. And we all have to start somewhere with something. Like you have to take your first job or start going on dates or move somewhere or live somewhere. Like we all have to find our first thing that we're gonna do.

And from there, it becomes really hard to break out from that thing because then you have to start over again and you have to start from the top again and you're like, I just did that. Like I just learned how to live in this or I just learned what to do when I got here. I just learned how to deal with all these people and communicate with this boss and work with these people. And I just learned how to communicate with this girl. Like

You're telling me now that I learned all this, I have to then wipe the slate clean and start over? Like why the hell would I want to do that? Because I just learned how to do all this. I just dealt with all of the uncomfortableness of starting a new job or of moving somewhere or of dating this new person. And now you're telling me that I have to do it again if I'm not that happy? Because like that sounds like even more of a bad or a hard experience. And I just did that. Like why would I want to do that again? And

What I'm saying is that, yeah, that's kind of the point of this, and that's kind of the point of our 20s, is that these are the moments where we are told, or this new kind of phenomenon, that our 20s are this time where we're experiencing the most change, and we're supposed to be experiencing the most change. And it's also the time in which we need to take risks, and we need to try new things, and we need to put ourselves out there, and...

keep dealing with these immense amount of changes again and again and again and on top of each other and stacking up and stacking up and stacking up and living in it, living through it, it doesn't make it easy. It doesn't make it any easier. Like you hear the sentiment of like in your twenties, you should go try things. You should go do everything. You should go be whoever you want to be. You should go move somewhere. You should go live somewhere else. You should go take a new job, take a new risk, start the company, date the girl like

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do all of the things that you wanna do because this is the only time in your life that you're able to do that. Because it's the time where you have the least amount of responsibilities, the time where you have the least amount of things you have to worry about, time in your life, the least amount of things you have to do, and this is the only time in which you can take those risks. This is the only time in which you can try all the things you wanna try. And we hear all of that, and we know that that is what we're supposed to be doing, but that doesn't make the change any easier. That doesn't make the change any lighter. That doesn't make

having to start again or start something new any easier. once you're in something, it becomes much harder to break out of it again and start over and start again. So I'm going to share what I think are the three biggest areas that people find themselves settling in and how to tell if you're actually settled in them.

So the first one, and I've mentioned all of them so far, but the first one I want to talk about is your career. And I think I have a pretty good personal experience to talk to about this, and it's about leaving my first job. I was in my first job for about two years, and I knew after about a year and a half when I had the conversation about my review and...

where I'd be going in the next year or what I'd be doing, the projects I'd be working on, was expected of me, what I wanted to do, the growth I saw for myself and the growth that the company saw for me, that there wasn't a lot more for me to do at that company. Like there wasn't a lot of movement available, there wasn't a lot of promotion available, there wasn't a lot of salary available, like it just didn't feel like a place where I could really continue to grow.

I was kind of like shuttered by that because I was like, well, I've gotten a really great start here. Like I've learned so much. think I've grown so much already, but it came to like a halt where I was like, there's not much more for me to do here. Like there's not much more movement available. There's not much more growth available. And then I got this opportunity to take a new job and to take a new interview. And I got reached out to like without even

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without even really exploring new opportunities, but was around the same time of me being like, I think I need to go somewhere else. I think I need to do something else. And it was kind of this like fate moment where I got a LinkedIn reach out from somebody saying like, hey, I'm interested in what you're doing and I'd love you to bring those efforts to what we're starting here. And I was just kind of like, whoa, like I'm not ready for that. Like I'm not ready for a new change. Like at the same time as I was like, I think I need to leave and go do something else.

the fear of starting something else and not being comfortable really scared me and really held me back. And it made my decision really hard. Because at the same time as I was ready to take on something new, I was really comfortable in that first job. Like I knew what my expectations were. I knew the time I had to get there every day. I knew the time I could leave every day. I knew...

that I could take a nice long lunch break. knew I had great friends there. I knew I had fun happy hours to go to. Like I really liked the life I was living during that job. I liked the perks that came with it. I actually liked the work I was doing. But I just didn't see much growth. And there wasn't much growth for me. And I've talked about this too. I did a whole episode called like I left my job or I'm leaving your first job, something like that. And I

was really like stuck between a rock and a hard place of do I leave and go take on a new experience that I think will be amazing and I think will be really great for me but it's a huge risk because I don't really know what I'm getting into I don't know if I'm good enough to take on this job I don't know if I have the skill set that I'm presenting that I have or that this person thinks that I have I don't know if I can handle all the responsibilities or if I'm going to measure up to what this person expects of me or what I think I can try and do here

All of those kind of doubts and worries and anxieties bubbled up to the surface when I was presented with an opportunity to change. When I was presented with a moment of like, hey, this is something that you should probably do, but you are so comfortable in what you're in that why would you want to change that up? And I had this like angel and devil on my shoulder being like,

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You need to go take on a new opportunity. Like it's right in front of you. Like just take it with both hands. It's right there. Why not take it? And then the other kind of thing on my shoulder was like, yeah, but you're so comfortable. Yeah, but you're so happy. Like you're really content. And that's kind what I was saying earlier. I was like, I was really happy, but

I knew that there was more for me. knew I wanted more for myself, but I was happy, but I was content, but I felt really good in what I was doing, but I was really comfortable and taking on this risk, doing this new thing would put me in a really uncomfortable situation, would put me in a position that I had never been in before. It was just completely out of my comfort zone that would challenge me, that would kind of take me in a completely new direction and really test me mentally, emotionally, like see what I could do and

I was like, I don't know if I'm going to do this. And I actually said no to the job. I took the first couple calls with the person who was the CEO of the company. And I said, like, I thank you so much for the opportunity, but I'm going to pass right now. And I can't believe I said no, but it was really was comfortable and I was content. And honestly, I was complacent and I was fully settled.

And I that's like way too soon to be settled like a year and a half after college to be like I'm happy with what I'm doing. Like the salary wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I had hoped for. But like I really liked everything else. And I you know, I was like, I'm not going to leave this really comfortable box that I'm in to take this risk. I really like looking back, cannot believe I said no to that. Like that if I like I would have slapped myself across the face. It had.

me now been talking to that version of me because that is insane that I turned that down because I was so comfortable. Like I would look back at that person and be like, are you fucking kidding me? Like you have an amazing opportunity right in front of you and you're unhappy at this current moment. Like, yes, maybe 93 % of the time you're super happy, but seven, seven percent of the time, you know, you want more for yourself. You know, you want bigger things. You know, you want bigger opportunities and bigger chances to prove yourself.

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and to challenge yourself and to put yourself in rooms with people that know a lot more than you. You know you want that. That 7 % was really loud during that moment, but the 93 % that was like, you're comfortable, you're happy, you go, you get some coffee, you get to talk to your friends, you get like a nice long lunch break, you get to leave at 4.30 or 5, you get to like go work out before work, you get to go hang out with friends after, like that.

93 percent really outweighed the seven for me at that moment and maybe those percentages aren't as accurate as I'm saying but like looking back it really did feel like I was so outweighed by the comfortability by the settled that I was and lucky for me the CEO pushed back and was like really like What can I do like what what can we do to get you and I was like, whoa Wait, wait, hold on. Like maybe I'm like completely undervaluing myself. Like maybe I'm like

All this doubt, all of this kind of like anxiety that bubbled up to the surface, like maybe that really kind of clouded my judgment. And I was like really undervaluing what I could really bring. And he was like, well, I have this person I want you to meet. She'd be your new boss. And I met with her and I was like, done, sold. Like it just I was like, what the fuck was I thinking? Like, why would I ever turn this down? Like I was like, I have this this door opened right in front of me. Like it felt like the one of my first job was kind of closing.

And then I turn around and start walking just to see what else would happen. And this other one just opened up right in front of me. Like, how could I not run sprint through that? And then I said, yes. And I kind of got this like second chance where I probably shouldn't have. But I tell you this story to say that like. It's really hard when you're presented with change and when you're presented with.

Knowing that you should change and knowing that you're going to be taking a risk and take a risk on yourself. It's really hard to step into that to want to go into that knowing that you're going to put yourself in a really uncomfortable position. It's much easier to back up and say like and take two steps back and be like, actually, I'm good here. Like, actually, I'm going to stay right where I am because I know this. I know I can stay.

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Standing up where I am before like I don't know if I take two steps forward and walk through that door if I'm going to fall flat on my face if I'm gonna be laying down on the floor for a while if I'm not gonna ever get back up if I go to take that risk or if I go to do that and I know where I am right now I'm really comfortable and I'm really settled and I'm good. It's so much harder to take those two steps forward and walk through that door. It's so much harder

So I've been there before, like I know firsthand how hard it can be to take a risk on yourself and to try something new when you feel settled. I think career is probably the biggest one of the places in our lives in our 20s going into our 30s where we can feel really settled.

when we can kind of lose that ambition we once had for ourselves or that idea that we once had for ourselves that we wanted something more, something bigger, something greater. And we decide that what we're in right now is good enough and what we're doing right now is okay. And I feel good, I feel comfortable, I have a job, I get a paycheck, I feel like what I'm doing is fine. It's much easier to stay there and it's really easy to lose that spark you once had or that ambition you once had.

when you get comfortable, when you settle into that routine. So I think career is probably the biggest one. And especially when you feel like you really haven't found your thing and you don't know if you're ever gonna find your thing or the thing that drives you, the thing that you wanna do for the rest of your life, the thing that you think is your purpose or your meaning or your why. When you don't find that yet or when you haven't found that yet, it's really hard to leave what you're in

to take a risk and go try and find something new that might potentially not be that too. So I'm saying all of that to let you know that I've been there before. And I'm in it now. I'm always kind of in it. I feel like everybody's kind of in that. Am I doing what I should be doing? Am I settled? Am I pushing myself? Am I taking enough risks? Am I even taking a risk? Or am I just complacent? Am I just content?

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And when you feel unmotivated and uninspired and when you're in that, it's really hard to get out of that. Like if you've been in a job or you've been in a company for a while that like doesn't feel like it motivates you, but at the same time you're in a routine, you're doing the same thing day to day, you know when you get there, you know when you leave, you know what's expected of you, you know what you have to do every single day. It's hard to kind of like...

be like, well, what's more for me? Like, what else can I even do? Like, what, what, what do I want to do? Like, it's hard to really get out of that. And at the end of this episode, I'm going to tell you, or I'm going to share the questions that I think you can ask yourself to know or to start to understand or realize if you're settled or if you feel settled. And then I'm going to talk about ways in which that I think you can start to make a move or just start to reinvigorate that spirit. And

get out from that settled feeling if that's something you want to do. The next one I want to talk about is with where you live, which I think is probably the second biggest thing that people get really settled in in this time in our lives or in our mid to late 20s, 30s in that time period. And I was talking to a friend recently who is thinking about moving somewhere that he's never lived before.

And he wants to live there, but he's not really sure if it's the right move to make or the right place to go. And I said, like, well, what is kind of like driving you to want to do that? Like, what is the motivation to live there? And he talked about all the reasons that he wants to live there and why he thinks to be a great place to live. And all of it sounded incredibly sound and all of it sounded like a thing that this person should do. Like the way in which he was talking about it, he was obviously very passionate about this place.

wanting to live there, thought it was the right kind of distance, the right place, just kind of everything felt perfect. And I was like, so what's stopping you? And his reasons are different than the next guy's reasons are different than the next guy's reasons. But ultimately, it was the same kind of doubts and fears and anxieties that I had about leaving the job that were translating to moving somewhere else.

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And it's the same kind of questions and doubts that bubble up to the surface of like, well, I don't know if that's right for me, or I don't know if I'm even gonna like it. Like how am I supposed to know if I'm going to like it or if I'm supposed to be doing that? And honestly, I like where I am right now. Like I feel comfortable, I feel good, I feel happy in what I'm in right now. How do I know I'm gonna like that anymore or any better? why, like how do I determine that?

And it's those same fears and that same mentality and that like same angel devil situation of like, you should go try something new. You should go put yourself in a place that you think you're going to like just because you think you're going to like it. Like you're going to find out a lot of new stuff about yourself. You're going to grow from the experience. You're going to learn so much. You're going to meet new people. You're going to put yourself in a new place. You're going to try new things, take new risks, take new chances, take a chance on yourself.

and you're going to be a better person for you. You're to come out on the other side, a better person for it and because of it. So go do it. Like you have an inkling, you have a desire, you have a want to go try that. Go do it, go try. And on the opposite side, you have this guy being like, yeah, but you're good right now. Like, yeah, but you're happy in where you are. Like, why would you get rid of this? Why take the risk or take the chance of

you know, putting yourself in through all of that and through all that change with the chance that you may hate it with the kind of idea that like this might be not good. This might put you in a place where you're unhappy and you're not in a good spot. Like why even take that chance? Why take that risk on yourself? You're happy right now. You're good and where you're at, you feel content, you feel kind of settled. Stay here.

Like don't take that risk on don't do all of that. Don't put yourself through all that for the off chance that it may not work or for the chance that you may not like it. So you have to still kind of balance those two arguments of like, should I go grow and try and do, or should I stay? Should I stay settled? Should I stay in what I'm currently in and what I currently know? And I do firmly believe that this time in our lives in our early middle, late twenties, early thirties,

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is the time where you should try new things and step out of your comfort zone and do whatever it takes to get yourself out of your comfort zone. Live somewhere new, take a risk on yourself and try something. And that is a very popular sentiment nowadays that your 20s are the only time in your life when you can do this type of thing. When you can go live somewhere else, when you can go completely forget about your responsibilities where you are right now.

and go do something new, go try something new because it is the only time in your life where you will have the least amount of responsibilities because you're only really paying for yourself and your rent or your portion of the rent if you live with roommates or a girlfriend or a boyfriend and you don't have a family and you don't have a mortgage you don't have all these kids and other shit like not the kids are shit but like you don't have all this other shit to deal with and all this other shit to put up with and you don't have to be responsible for all this other stuff that like

does stack up as you get older. Like maybe this is the only time in our lives where you have the least amount of responsibilities and when you get older, like you have all of these things that matter and these things you have to tend to and care for and be really present for. Whereas right now you can go try, you can go take risks, you can go take chances and you can fail because failing just puts you back to where you were before. It's not like you have this like catastrophic thing that happens to you.

If it doesn't work out, if the job you go try, you get fired from or you hate and you decide to leave. If the place you move to, you don't actually really end up liking. So you go back to where you were before. Like the only real failure is just going back to the place you were in before to that starting point. But you have all that experience. You have all that knowledge, you have all of that growth that you did not have before you have all of that kind of newly developed mindset that you wouldn't have had otherwise.

So there really is no failure. really is no like failure isn't an option in any of this. And me saying all of that doesn't make it any easier. Like just because you heard some guy on a podcast and I hope I'm not just some guy on a podcast to you, but just because you heard some guy on a podcast say this is the only time in your life to take risks or you heard somebody else say it or you heard advice from somebody that said like you should go try like go do it. Why not? What do you have to lose? Just because you heard that.

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It doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make this decision any lighter or any doesn't make it come easier to you. Like it doesn't just dissolve all of the doubts and the worries and the fears that you have swirling around in your head. It doesn't make all of that disappear. It doesn't just go away because I told you that this is the time in your life to take risks. It doesn't make it easier to decide to leave your job and go find a new one. It doesn't make it any easier to pack up all your stuff and decide to live somewhere else.

It doesn't make any of that any easier or any lighter or any less. And that's what makes this question of am I settling so hard to answer because you have all of these like back and forth balances of like maybe but like I'm good and I don't know what's on the other side if I go try. And the last one, the third kind of category or part of your life that I think that this question really relates to of am I settling?

is with dating and with relationships. And there's a couple of different scenarios here. Maybe you haven't hooked up with somebody in a while or haven't had sex in a while, so you're like, like, fuck it, I'm gonna go try with the next person. Like, I'm gonna go hook up with this next person because it's been a while. Or maybe you have gone on a slew of bad dates and the next person you see, you're determined to make work. Like, you're like, I know this is gonna be the one because it's been so many bad ones that this one just has to work.

So you go on a lot more dates with this person or maybe you get into a relationship with this person because it's been so long and you want something. So you just like you kind of will it. You kind of force this person to be the person you wanted them to be, even though they're probably not. Or maybe they are. Hopefully they are. Or maybe you've been in a relationship for a long time that you know isn't right and you know something isn't right and you know that you want something else or something more.

but because you've been in it for so long and it's good and it's easy and it's good enough, maybe it's just good enough. Maybe this is what it's supposed to be and you've convinced yourself that this is what it's supposed to be. Maybe you're in that position, maybe that's the scenario for you. There's so many with dating.

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Maybe you know that it's not working but you don't want to admit that to yourself or the other person because that will put you back to square one and you've been in a relationship for a long time, you don't know how to date again, you don't know how to put yourself back out there again and you don't know if this ends, there will be somebody else for you. All of those doubts swirl around. You don't know that this might, there might not be any better, there might not be somebody else. So you stay, so you stay settled.

Maybe this person is great, but they're not your great. And there are so many kind of scenarios in terms of settling in dating and relationships. And I think that actually might be one of the biggest. That's I'm saying each one of these is the biggest, but like I really feel like career and dating are the two kind of bookends here of the settling book, you know, like.

whether you're in a relationship for a long time and it's going great or it's going well enough, or you're in a job for a long time and it's going well enough, those are the positions or the places where I feel like people find themselves settling in most. So now you might be asking, well Josh, how do I know if I'm settling? Like I hear you talk about settling as these kind of three buckets of dating, of where you live, of career.

But how do I know if I'm settling in those personally? So here is how to figure out if you're settling or the questions you can ask yourself to help determine if you are settling in each of these areas. And I'm gonna take this one by one with your career, with where you live and with dating in the same order that I took them to start the episode. So for your career, ask yourself, is there something missing?

Is there something I want to do more of? If is there something I want to try? Is there something I could see myself doing that I haven't gotten to do yet or I might never get to do if I stayed doing what I'm currently doing? That's a longer one. But basically to say, is there something I want to do that I can't do at this job? Is there something I want to try that this opportunity does not present me with? Is there something I want to do that I have not done yet?

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That those are the questions that I think will help determine if you are settling in your career or in your job. For where you live, ask yourself, are you happy where you are now? Is there somewhere else you want to explore somewhere else you see yourself living or somewhere you haven't lived yet that you want to live? And if you're in the I really do want to live somewhere else, but I don't know if that place is right for me. Take a trip.

Take a weekend trip there and put yourself in the place where you see yourself. Make it a weekend, bring a friend with you if you want to, or just go on your own and kind of see what the place has to offer. And if you can make it a long weekend, make it a long weekend. I think that's the best way to really see if you're gonna like a place. And I think that's the best thing that my summer internship in New York City gave me is that it really made me realize that I wanted to live here after I graduated.

I thought I did, but after getting to spend like 8 to 10 weeks here, I realized that I really did. And if you're not in the position to spend 8 to 10 weeks somewhere, which I'm assuming you're not because you're probably in a job or you're- maybe you're not, wherever you are, whatever stage you're in, at least take a weekend trip there and see what the nightlife is like. See what a Saturday would look like if you spent it there walking around. See what the food scene is like and the restaurants are like. Really immerse yourself in it for a weekend.

And instead of being like, well, I don't know if I'm to like it, go see, go test it out. It's the best way to trial a place and see if that is somewhere you could see yourself living. And you'll know pretty quickly if you feel overwhelmed by the place, if it feels like it matches your vibe, if it is kind of what you expected it to be, or it's a little bit different. Like, and if you get to it you're like, I don't know. Like that doesn't mean that it's not the place for you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't at least try it for six months or a year. Like that is.

the great part and what our 20s affords us is an opportunity to go try and live somewhere else for an extended period of time. So take a weekend and make it a weekend out of it. know, like go put yourself in the place instead of having all the, like that answers a lot of the questions for you if you can do that. And then for dating, ask yourself if the person you're seeing or going on dates with, can you really be yourself around them? Is it easy to be around them?

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Do they add to your life? Do they make your life better? If those questions are met with yeses, then that's great. Like you're in an amazing spot with the person you're seeing. And if those questions aren't met with yeses, that is not an immediate reason to break up with this person. That doesn't mean that you're not in the right relationship. That doesn't mean that this isn't the right thing for you. You might be going through a season with this person. You might be going through like a fight with them. You might be going through a moment where you're doubting. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to break up or you should break up.

But if those questions aren't met with yeses, it takes a little bit of a deeper reflection into your happiness, into the state of your relationship. If there are things you can work on, if there are conversations you can have, if there are things you can say to this person to fix the things, if there are things you can say to the person to make things better, make things easier, make things right again, put things back to where they were before. It's just kind of a great internal mental check-in. Like all of these questions.

For career for dating for where you live like are good questions to be asking yourself all the time and We're not doing that a lot like these aren't things we do a lot where we sit and reflect and take a moment and like take stock in Where our life is right now or like check in with our happiness or our level of contempt and complacency Like we don't really do that a lot, and I'm not saying we have to do all the time

But I do think it's good to check in every once in a while and ask yourself, am I happy in this relationship? Am I happy in my job or is there something I want to be doing more of? Do I like where I live or is there somewhere else I want to go try somewhere else? I really could see myself living. These are the ways that I think you can decide and determine if you're settling and answer the question, am I settling in these different areas of your life?

It's a good way to see if you want to go try something new. It's a good way to see if it's time to try something new. Meet some new people, think about a move, try applying for a new job, put yourself out there, take a risk, make a change. And instead of asking yourself, I settling? Ask yourself those questions that I presented to you that indirectly answer the big question of, I settling? Because am I settling is a very intimidating question. When you saw the episode of this title, you may be like,

Josh Felgoise (34:30.94)

That's intimidating. well, whoa, like that's how I would feel if I saw that question or if I asked myself that question. And when faced with that, most of us would say no or would just shy away from it and be like, no, I'm not settling. Like I'm happy. I'm good. Like I'm, I'm trying, I'm doing things. I'm putting myself out and you would come up with all these things and be like, no. And you would immediately be like, kind of get defensive about it and be like, I'm not settling because it's an intimidating, it's an intimidating and pretty big question.

But asking yourself the surrounding questions in a way kind of piece together your answer to it and like chip away at the bigger question of are you settling or how you're feeling about where you're at right now. And look, it's easy for me to get on here and be like, take the fucking biggest risks of your life right now, because like this is the only time you have to do that. But the disconnect from saying that and doing that is so real.

And I listen to all of the podcasts. Like I listen to everything that's out there, all of the advice, and I use all of that to inform what I bring to you on here and what I say on here and how I formulate these episodes and the topics I talk about and what I want to talk about. Like the purpose and one of the biggest things that always drives me every week is like, what would I want to see when I was younger? Like what would younger Josh really benefit from? And

I know that when I hear all of that advice, that's like, take the biggest fucking risk of your life right now. Like this is your twenties. Like take it by the fucking neck, strangle it and run. Like that motivates me. It does. Like I'm, I always feel inspired by those, but then when it comes time to be like, okay, so what's the risk? what, what now? What? I don't know. There's a massive disconnect for me between all of the advice.

all of the sentiment, all of the things out there that are telling you that this is the time in your life to take the risks and actually taking the risk. And that is why I wanted to do this episode. That's why I wanted to kind of open up this conversation is because that disconnect is so real between the two things. And it is also easy to stay scared and stay in the place where you feel good or believe that good is good enough because that feeling is comfortable.

Josh Felgoise (36:50.251)

And it's hard to let go of that and try something new because that means you have to let go of that. And the thing is, I do believe that this is an amazing time to bet on yourself and take a risk because I know firsthand from a couple different experiences that you come out on the other side so much stronger for it, that you learn so much about yourself that by putting yourself in a position

where you do not know what the outcome is going to be, that you aren't sure you're going to be able to measure up to or do what is expected of you, by dealing with all of that, you grow so much. Like in the job that I decided to take, that I left my first one for, I learned more in the first six months than I learned in the year and a half to two years at that job.

I learned more in the six months than I had in the past four years of internships and everything else I had done. I learned more about myself, about the workplace, about working with people, about other people, literally everything I could have imagined. Things that I bring with me every single day of life I learned at that job that I will probably bring with me for the rest of my life. That I would not have had that had I stayed comfortable, had I stayed put, had I stayed in what I thought was best for me at the time.

because I thought that being comfortable or staying seated in that place was where I belonged and I didn't think there was more for me. And I think the reason we lean so hard into the ideas of comfort and complacency and content are because the only consistent thing in this time in our lives is change. So when you find something that makes you feel alright and feel safe and feel good,

Why would you want to shake that up again just to go through that phase of change again? Why would you want to have to put yourself through all of that again? And we fear what we don't know. So when we finally get to a place where we're good, why have to get all those all anxious again? Why have to have all those doubts and those fears again? Like, why would I want to put myself in that position? And I know that's uncomfortable. Like, I know how uncomfortable that is.

Josh Felgoise (39:07.985)

But I really do believe that this is the time in our lives that we can start to understand that you can do big things, that you can make big changes, that there is nothing holding you back. And one of the best ways to start is to just try it out. Like I said, with that weekend trip, like to a place that you think you might want to live by testing it out, by giving it a trial period.

bring that same piece of advice into each of the categories. Maybe not for the dating one, like if you're in a relationship, like don't go saying that like, well I heard on this podcast that like I should just go date around because like that's the best way to know. No, not for dating. But for your career, maybe it's exploring a new job or seeing what else is out there or taking a phone call with somebody that you think has an interesting job or is in an interesting position or is in a cool company, getting a coffee with somebody, kind of scheduling a coffee chat, like.

asking somebody to pick their brain about what they do, networking, like there are things that you can do that where you currently are to see other things before you take the leap, before you go try something else out that can answer some of those or mitigate some of those doubts and those fears that you have about if you're going to be right for this job or if you can handle it. Like there are things you can do to kind of set yourself up for success or prepare yourself a little bit more for that next thing you're going to do.

And here's the big thing about change is that nobody is going to give you permission or tell you it's okay to do it. Nobody is going to tell you, yes, you can do that or no, you shouldn't do that. A lot more people are gonna tell you you shouldn't do that than them will tell you to do it. A lot of people will tell you that like maybe that's not the best idea or like that's a big risk you're taking. Like at the end of the day, it's completely up to you to make that change.

And nobody is going to tell you to do it. Nobody is going to hold your hand through it. Of course, you can lean on the people in your life and you can find advice and you can get other perspectives about if what you're doing is good or if you should go try it. But at the end of the day, it is entirely up to you to make that change. At the end of the day, it is entirely up to you to start believing in yourself.

Josh Felgoise (41:29.465)

and recognize if there is an area in your life that you're settling in and if it's time to make a change in that place. Nobody is going to make you do it. Nobody is going to tell you that you have to do it. That's the biggest difference about this time in our lives is that there's nobody giving you a permission slip to tell you that it's time to make a change.

There is nobody that's going to tell you that like you should make that career shift, that you should leave the job, that you should leave the relationship, that you should try something new, that you should live somewhere else. All of the big advice says that, but for you personally and in your specific situation, nobody's going to kind of push you to do that. Nobody is going to tell you that you have to do that. It is entirely up to you and is ultimately up to you to do that.

And with how uncomfortable change is and how hard it is to take a risk and with that angel and devil on your shoulder telling you that it's easier to stay settled, it's easier to stay comfortable, it's easier to stay where good is good enough, it becomes even harder. So it is completely up to you to kind of look at the areas of your life and determine if you feel settled in one of them. Look at the areas of your life and see if there is a place that you wanna make a change. So to answer the question, am I settling?

or are you settled? I can't tell you that. Only you can answer that question for yourself. Only you can take a look at the areas of your life and see if there is something missing, if you want something more for yourself, if you believe that you can do more or be more or be greater or be bigger or whatever else.

That is the episode. you so much listening to guys set a guy's guide to what should be talked about. I'm Josh. I'm 25 years old and I'm here every single week, every single Tuesday to talk about what should be talked about for guys. If you liked this episode, I really hope you did. Please like subscribing this podcast. Five stars movie. That's one, two, four, five stars, not four, not three, not two, not one. It's five stars. Thank you much for that. I really, appreciate that.

Josh Felgoise (43:29.735)

If you have a question that want to talk about that should be talked about for guys, head over to my website, guyset.com, G-U-Y-S-E-T.com. There's an ask me anything box right there. You can ask me anything you want to talk about, anything that should be talked about, and I will do a full episode on it. I will bring it into the Dear Guy Set episode and answer your question. Thank you so much for anybody that's wrote in, anybody asks any questions, you help make this podcast work and go around because that is the whole purpose. The whole point is to answer the questions that guys are asking.

You can find daily blog posts on guyset.com answering the questions the guys are asking across dating, career, mindset, style, lifestyle, really everything I talk about on here. It's just an extension over there. It's like the extension of guys that universe on the website. So just more questions, more answers, more advice, more perspectives. It's I post about like I was gonna say it's great. It is. I post three to four blog posts every single day. I'm so excited about what I'm building over there.

just like kind of my whole vision for guys that come into life with the podcast, with the website, all of it. I also started a new podcast. It's called, If You're Going On A Date This Week. It will be coming out every Monday and Thursday. And it's based on an idea that I've been doing for about a year now on Instagram and TikTok, where I run through five to seven pop culture topics, things going on in TV and in movies, in music, in sports and entertainment, in pop culture in general.

so that you can bring them on your date. I start every video and every one of those podcasts by saying, if you're going on a date this week, here is what you could talk about, or here's what you could talk about. And basically, it's just that you can get a rundown of what's going on in the world so you can have some knowledge or just know a little bit about what the other person might be thinking about or watching or listening to. And I don't know, I think first dates are...

really just a time to get to know somebody, see if you like their vibe and if you want to hang out with them again. And they're not that serious. So none of the topics I bring on there are very serious. This today's episode, I'm to talk about Tiger Woods's car crash and DUI. I'm to talk about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey at the I Heart Radio Awards. I'm going to talk about the Super Mario Galaxy movie, like just kind of sharing what's going on in the world.

Josh Felgoise (45:36.071)

And I think it's really fun. So you can find that on the same YouTube channel at guys set on YouTube and anywhere You listen to podcasts. It's just called if you're going on a date this week Yeah, just another fun thing that I'm doing. I had been thinking about it for a while I do the video every single Wednesday and I was like might as well make it a podcast, right? So you can find that anywhere listen to podcasts too And yeah, thank you so much Listen to guys set a guys guide to what should be talked about and I will see you guys next Tuesday. See you guys