#45 - Advice Guy 5
Apr 9, 2024
How to Find Time for Yourself in Your 20s (And Why You Actually Need It)
The two types of alone time every guy needs to master—and why one is way harder than the other
Your twenties are overwhelming. You're navigating your first real job, trying to maintain friendships as everyone scatters to different cities, figuring out dating, and somehow keeping yourself fed and clothed. In the middle of all this chaos, the idea of "finding time for yourself" can feel like another item on an already impossible to-do list.
But here's the thing: learning how to spend quality time alone isn't just nice-to-have—it's essential for surviving and thriving in your twenties.
Here's why you need it, how to do it, and the crucial difference between two types of alone time that most people confuse.
Why Your Twenties Demand Alone Time
The Great Scattering Effect
After college, everyone spreads out in completely different directions. Some friends move home, others relocate to new cities. Some dive straight into demanding careers while others are still figuring it out. Some jump into serious relationships while others are single and dating.
The result: For the first time in your life, you're truly on your own path with no clear roadmap.
This creates a unique mental load that previous generations didn't experience as intensely. You're constantly processing:
How you're doing compared to your peers
Whether you're making the right career choices
If you're behind in relationships or life milestones
Where you fit in your friend groups as everyone changes
The Social Battery Reality
Here's what's happening: Your social battery is draining faster than it used to.
You might have been able to go weeks of constant social interaction in college, but now you find yourself needing genuine downtime more frequently. This isn't antisocial—it's your brain adapting to the increased complexity of adult life.
Signs your social battery needs recharging:
Feeling overwhelmed by group plans you used to love
Getting irritated by small things more easily
Needing to "disappear" for hours of mindless scrolling
Feeling exhausted after work social events
The Two Types of Alone Time (And Why Most People Only Do One)
Most guys think all alone time is the same. It's not. There are two distinct categories, and you need both:
Type 1: Recharge Time (The Easy One)
What it looks like:
Watching movies or TV shows
Playing video games
Scrolling social media
Listening to podcasts while doing other things
Working out with music
What it does: Gives your social battery a break and helps you decompress from external stimulation.
Why it's important: You need this to function. It's legitimate rest and recovery.
Type 2: Mind-Clearing Time (The Hard One)
What it looks like:
Walking without headphones
Journaling or writing down thoughts
Sitting in silence for 5-10 minutes
Meditating (even briefly)
Working out without distractions
What it does: Allows you to process your actual thoughts and emotions without external input clouding your mind.
Why it's harder: Your brain isn't used to operating without constant stimulation. It can feel uncomfortable or "boring" at first.
Why Type 2 Is Game-Changing (But Everyone Avoids It)
The Feedback Loop Problem
The issue: When you're constantly consuming content (even good content), you never process your own thoughts. This can lead to what's called "the feedback loop from hell"—where you:
Think about something stressful
Feel bad about thinking about it so much
Think about the fact that you're thinking about it
Feel worse about your inability to stop thinking about it
Repeat until you're anxious about being anxious
How Mind-Clearing Time Breaks the Cycle
Taking 5-10 minutes of genuine alone time allows you to:
Identify what's actually bothering you vs. what you think should be bothering you
Process emotions before they build up into bigger problems
Gain perspective on situations that seem overwhelming
Separate real concerns from anxiety-driven overthinking
Practical Ways to Create Type 2 Alone Time
The 5-Minute Office Break
When: You're feeling overwhelmed or angry at work How: Step outside or into a bathroom stall for 5 minutes of silence Why it works: Gives you space to reset before reacting emotionally
The Headphone-Free Walk
When: After work or during lunch breaks How: Walk for 10-15 minutes without music, podcasts, or phone calls Why it works: Physical movement + mental space = natural stress relief
The Bedtime Brain Dump
When: Before sleep (instead of scrolling) How: Write down 3-5 thoughts from your day—don't worry about grammar or structure Why it works: Clears mental clutter so you can actually rest
The Morning Reset
When: First 5-10 minutes after waking up How: Sit quietly before checking your phone Why it works: Sets a calm tone for the day instead of immediately consuming information
The Gym as Mental Therapy
Working out serves both types of alone time:
As Type 1 (Recharge):
Releases physical tension
Provides sense of accomplishment
Reminds you of your physical capabilities
As Type 2 (Mind-Clearing):
Forces you to focus on something immediate (form, breathing, counting)
Breaks anxiety thought cycles
Provides natural meditation through movement
The key insight: After a workout, you often feel mentally reset because you've given your brain a break from its usual worrying patterns.
Starting Small: The "Three Episodes" Rule
Don't expect immediate results. Like a TV show that doesn't get good until episode three, give new alone time practices at least three attempts before deciding they don't work.
Week 1 Experiment:
Day 1: Try 5 minutes of silent walking
Day 3: Write down three thoughts before bed
Day 5: Sit quietly for 5 minutes in the morning
If Those Don't Work:
Try meditation apps (Headspace, Calm)
Voice record your thoughts instead of writing
Do stretching or yoga without music
Take a shower without rushing and just think
Common Obstacles (And How to Overcome Them)
"I Don't Have Time"
Reality check: You spend 5+ minutes scrolling social media multiple times per day. You have the time—you're choosing to use it differently.
Solution: Replace one scroll session with one mind-clearing activity.
"It Feels Weird/Boring"
Why this happens: Your brain is addicted to constant stimulation.
Solution: Start with 3-5 minutes max. Boredom is actually your brain learning to process without external input.
"My Thoughts Are Too Overwhelming"
Why this happens: You've been avoiding them, so they've built up.
Solution: Start with writing them down instead of just thinking about them. Getting them out of your head and onto paper makes them feel more manageable.
"I Feel Guilty for Not Being Productive"
Reality check: Mental clarity makes you more productive in everything else you do.
Solution: Frame it as maintenance, like brushing your teeth. You're maintaining your mental health.
What to Expect When You Start
Week 1:
Feels awkward and forced
Mind wanders constantly
Might feel like you're "doing it wrong"
Week 2-3:
Slightly easier to sit with your thoughts
Start noticing what actually bothers you vs. what you think should bother you
Less reactive to daily stressors
Month 1+:
Clearer sense of your own emotions and reactions
Better at catching anxiety before it spirals
More confident in your ability to handle whatever comes up
The Long-Term Benefits
Better Decision Making:
When you regularly check in with yourself, you make choices based on what you actually want rather than what you think you should want.
Reduced Anxiety:
Processing thoughts regularly prevents them from building up into overwhelming anxiety.
Improved Relationships:
When you understand your own emotions better, you communicate more clearly with others.
Increased Self-Confidence:
Knowing you can handle your own thoughts and emotions makes you feel more capable of handling life's challenges.
Making It Sustainable
Don't Aim for Perfect:
Miss a day? No big deal, try again tomorrow
Can't find 10 minutes? Do 3 minutes
Feeling resistant? That's normal and temporary
Find What Works for You:
Some people prefer morning alone time, others prefer evening
Some do better with writing, others with walking
Some need daily practice, others benefit from 3x per week
Connect It to Existing Habits:
After your morning coffee
Before your evening shower
During your lunch break walk
The Bottom Line
Your twenties are the perfect time to develop this skill because:
You're facing new challenges that require emotional processing
You have more control over your schedule than you will later
The habits you build now will serve you for decades
Both types of alone time matter: You need the recharge time to function and the mind-clearing time to thrive.
Start small: Five minutes of genuine alone time is infinitely better than zero minutes.
Be patient: This is a skill, not a switch you flip. It gets easier and more valuable with practice.
Remember: Learning to spend quality time with yourself isn't selfish—it's essential. You're the only person who will be with you for your entire life. Might as well get comfortable with that person and understand what they need to be happy and healthy.
About Guyset
This post is based on an episode from Guyset: A Guy's Guide to What Should Be Talked About - a weekly podcast for guys in their twenties navigating mental health, personal growth, and life's everyday challenges. New episodes drop every Tuesday.
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