How To Stop Relying On A Relationship To Make You Happy

I think one of the easiest things to convince yourself of when you're single is that everything would be a little better if you were in a relationship.

You'd have somebody to spend your weekends with, somebody to text throughout the day, and somebody to come home to after a long day at work. You wouldn't have to worry about finding dates or wondering whether the person you like actually likes you back.

And honestly, a lot of those things sound pretty great.

I think being in a good relationship can make your life significantly better. Having somebody who supports you, cares about you, and wants to experience life with you is something worth wanting.

But I also think there's a difference between wanting a relationship because it would make your life better and believing you can't be happy until you're in one.

Because when you start treating a relationship as the solution to everything you're unhappy about, you're putting an enormous amount of pressure on something that was never supposed to solve every problem in your life.

One of my favorite pieces of advice is to choose a life with yourself first.

I think that's where this entire conversation needs to begin.

Stop Treating a Relationship Like the Missing Piece of Your Life

I think a lot of us have a habit of looking at our lives and focusing on the one thing we don't have.

Maybe you have a job you enjoy, good friends, a family you love, and hobbies that make you happy. But you're single, so suddenly that becomes the thing you think about constantly.

You see couples at restaurants, your friends start moving in with their partners, and somebody you went to college with gets engaged. Before you know it, you're looking at an otherwise pretty good life and feeling like something is missing.

And maybe something is missing. You're allowed to want companionship, intimacy, and a romantic connection. Those are completely reasonable things to want.

But I don't think you should let the absence of one thing convince you that everything else is somehow less valuable.

The American Psychological Association's article on the science of friendship explains how meaningful friendships contribute to well-being and life satisfaction.

I think that's worth remembering because romantic relationships aren't the only relationships that make life meaningful.

Your friends, family, coworkers, and the people you spend your everyday life with matter too. You don't have to wait until you're dating somebody to appreciate the life you're already living.

Figure Out What Actually Makes You Happy

Here's something I think everybody should spend a little time figuring out, regardless of whether they're single or in a relationship.

What do you genuinely enjoy doing?

Not what sounds impressive, what your friends like doing, or what you think you're supposed to enjoy at your age. What actually makes you feel good about your life?

Maybe it's going to the gym, watching movies, playing basketball, trying new restaurants, cooking, or spending a Saturday afternoon walking around your city.

Maybe it's working on a project you're excited about or getting better at something you've always wanted to learn.

I think it's surprisingly easy to get so focused on finding somebody that you stop putting effort into discovering what makes your own life interesting.

You tell yourself you'll travel when you have a partner, try that restaurant when you have a date, or start doing more exciting things once you have somebody to do them with.

But why wait?

If there's something you want to experience, start figuring out how to experience it now.

That's a big part of How To Like Being Alone. Being comfortable on your own isn't about convincing yourself that you don't need other people. It's about learning that you can enjoy your life even when nobody else is making the plans.

And I think that makes you a much more interesting person to date, too.

Not because you suddenly have an impressive list of hobbies, but because you've spent time figuring out who you actually are.

Don't Make One Person Responsible for Every Part of Your Happiness

I think this becomes especially important once you're actually in a relationship.

When you really like somebody, it's natural to want to spend a lot of time together. You start developing routines, making weekend plans, and involving each other in more parts of your lives.

That's one of the best things about dating somebody.

But I think problems can develop when you slowly start expecting your partner to fulfill every emotional and social need you have.

They're supposed to be your best friend, your biggest supporter, your source of entertainment, your emotional outlet, and the person who makes every difficult day better.

And when they can't do all of those things, you start feeling disappointed.

I don't think that's particularly fair to either person.

Research discussed by Harvard Health Publishing on varied social interactions found an association between having a wider variety of social interactions and greater reported happiness.

I think there's a practical lesson here. Different relationships can bring different things into your life.

You might have friends you love watching sports with, somebody you call when you need career advice, and family members who know you better than almost anybody.

Your partner can be incredibly important without having to replace all of those people.

And when you maintain those other connections, you give your relationship room to be something you enjoy rather than something you constantly depend on.

Learn to Have a Bad Day Without Making It About Your Relationship

I think one of the biggest signs that you're relying too heavily on a relationship for happiness is when every bad day starts feeling like a relationship problem.

Maybe you're frustrated with work, tired, or feeling uncertain about your future. Then your partner takes a little longer to respond to a text, and suddenly you're convinced something is wrong between you.

Or maybe you're single, and every time you have a lonely or disappointing day, you tell yourself that having a girlfriend would make everything better.

But sometimes you're just having a bad day.

And I think it's important to recognize that distinction.

A relationship can provide support, but it can't eliminate every difficult emotion you're going to experience.

You're still going to feel stressed, insecure, disappointed, and overwhelmed sometimes. Those feelings are part of being a person, not necessarily evidence that something is missing from your romantic life.

When I'm having a difficult day, I think it helps to ask what I'm actually upset about before deciding what needs to change.

Am I lonely? Am I frustrated with my job? Am I exhausted? Have I been spending too much time comparing myself to everybody else?

Those are different problems, and they probably require different responses.

If comparison is making your relationship status feel like a measure of your success, How To Stop Comparing Yourself to Everyone Else is worth reading.

Because somebody else being in a relationship doesn't mean your life is somehow behind.

Build a Life You Would Still Want If You Were Single

I think this is one of the most useful ways to approach the entire conversation.

Imagine you knew you weren't going to enter a relationship for the next year.

What would you want that year to look like?

Would you spend more time with your friends? Travel somewhere? Get better at your job? Start working out consistently? Move to a new city or finally try something you've been putting off?

Whatever comes to mind, I think it's worth asking why you can't start doing some of those things now.

You don't have to wait for a relationship to begin building a life you're excited about.

And I don't think this needs to turn into another exhausting self-improvement project where every minute of your day has to be productive.

Sometimes building a life you enjoy means making plans on Friday, having nothing to do on Saturday, and being completely okay with both.

It means having things to look forward to that aren't dependent on whether somebody texts you back.

It means recognizing that your twenties are happening right now, regardless of your relationship status.

If you constantly feel like everybody else is reaching milestones before you, You're Not Behind. You're Just in Your 20s. explores why somebody else's timeline doesn't need to become yours.

You can want to fall in love and still make the most of the life you're living before that happens.

Wanting Love Doesn't Mean You're Doing Something Wrong

I also want to be clear about something.

I don't think the answer is to become so independent that you convince yourself you don't need anybody.

We all want connection. We want people who understand us, celebrate our accomplishments, and support us when things aren't going well.

There's nothing embarrassing about wanting somebody to share your life with.

The American Psychological Association's research on perceived social support reinforces how important feeling supported by other people can be for our well-being.

I think the distinction is between appreciating connection and expecting one relationship to determine whether your life is worthwhile.

You can be happy with yourself and still feel lonely sometimes. You can love your independence and still wish you had somebody to spend Sunday night with.

Those feelings don't cancel each other out.

The goal isn't to stop wanting a relationship. It's to stop putting your entire life on hold until you find one.

And Here's The Thing

I think one of the best things you can bring into a relationship is a life you already care about.

Not a perfect life. Not a life where you're constantly happy, completely confident, or have everything figured out.

Just a life that feels like yours.

A life with friendships you value, interests you're excited about, goals you're working toward, and ordinary moments you genuinely enjoy.

Because when you have those things, a relationship becomes something wonderful you get to add to your life rather than something you need to rescue it.

And I think that changes the way you date.

You're not searching for somebody to make you feel complete. You're looking for somebody you genuinely enjoy, respect, and want to build something with.

Somebody who makes the good moments even better and helps you through the difficult ones.

But your happiness doesn't have to begin the day you meet them.

You have a life to live right now.

And I think you owe it to yourself to make that life something you're excited about, whether you're sharing it with somebody or not.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I stop depending on a relationship for happiness?

Build friendships, develop interests, make plans for yourself, and find sources of fulfillment outside romantic relationships.

Can you be happy without being in a relationship?

Yes. Romantic relationships can bring happiness, but friendships, personal goals, interests, and meaningful experiences also contribute to a fulfilling life.

Why do I feel like I need a relationship to be happy?

You may associate being in a relationship with security, validation, companionship, or reaching an important life milestone.

Is it unhealthy to want a relationship badly?

Not necessarily. Wanting love is normal, but it can become difficult when your self-worth or entire sense of happiness depends on finding a partner.

How do I enjoy being single when I want a relationship?

Continue dating if you want to, but invest in friendships, experiences, and personal goals rather than putting your life on hold.