There is probably someone your age who makes you feel behind.

Maybe your friend just got promoted while you're still trying to figure out whether you even like your job. Someone you went to college with is engaged. Another person moved across the country. Someone bought an apartment. Someone started a company. Someone is making more money than you.

And somehow, every time you open Instagram, somebody else seems to be accomplishing something.

The frustrating part is that you might actually be doing pretty well. You have a job, you're making progress, you're building relationships, and you're figuring things out. But suddenly, all of that feels a little less impressive when you're looking at what somebody else has accomplished.

I think this is one of the strangest parts of your 20s. For most of your life, everyone around you was moving on roughly the same timeline. You went from one grade to the next. You graduated high school around the same time. Maybe you went to college and graduated around the same time too.

Then, almost overnight, that structure disappears.

There's no next grade, no obvious milestone, and nobody handing you a schedule for what you're supposed to accomplish next. Your friends start moving in completely different directions, at completely different speeds, toward completely different things.

And yet, we keep looking around as if there's still some invisible schedule we're supposed to be following.

There isn't.

Everyone's Life Starts Moving at a Different Speed

One of the biggest adjustments in your 20s is realizing that being the same age as someone doesn't mean you should be in the same place in life.

Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett described the period from the late teens through the 20s as emerging adulthood, a stage characterized by exploring your identity, relationships, career, and direction in life. The American Psychological Association has also discussed how changing economic and social conditions have made traditional adult milestones happen at increasingly different ages.

In other words, figuring things out isn't something you were supposed to finish before becoming an adult. It's actually a huge part of being one.

Think about how many things you're trying to figure out during this decade. What kind of work do you enjoy? What are you actually good at? Where do you want to live? What kind of relationship do you want? How much money do you need to make? What kind of person do you want to become?

Those aren't small questions, and you're probably not going to have the same answers at 22 that you'll have at 28.

That's why two people can be the exact same age and have completely different lives. One person gets married at 25, while someone else is single at 30. One person finds their dream job right out of college, while another realizes five years into their career that they don't even like the industry they're working in.

Neither person is necessarily ahead or behind. They're making different decisions based on different priorities, opportunities, and experiences.

I wrote about this uncertainty in The Inner Monologue of Your 20s, because I think we underestimate how much of this decade is spent figuring out who we are rather than arriving at some final version of ourselves.

The sooner you accept that everyone's life is going to look different, the easier it becomes to stop treating someone else's progress as evidence that you're falling behind.

Stop Using Someone Else's Life as Your Scoreboard

Here's something I think is worth asking yourself whenever you start feeling behind.

Behind who?

Your friend who makes more money? The guy you follow on Instagram? Someone you went to college with? Some imaginary version of yourself you created when you were 18?

The problem with comparison is that we're measuring completely different people against the same expectations.

We all have different families, opportunities, finances, personalities, relationships, and definitions of success. But we ignore those differences and act as if everyone is competing for the same things.

Maybe your friend makes more money than you but hates his job. Maybe someone else has the relationship you want but wishes he'd spent more time being single. Maybe someone has an incredible career but barely sees his friends.

And maybe the person you're comparing yourself to genuinely loves his life. Good for him. That still doesn't mean you're doing yours incorrectly.

Psychology Today has discussed how upward social comparison, comparing ourselves to people we perceive as doing better, can contribute to dissatisfaction and negative feelings about our own circumstances.

Social media makes this particularly difficult because you're constantly being shown other people's biggest moments.

You see the promotion without seeing the months of uncertainty leading up to it. You see the relationship announcement without knowing what that relationship actually looks like. You see the apartment, the vacation, the new job, and the marathon finish line.

You're seeing someone else's outcomes and comparing them to your own unfinished process.

That's not a particularly fair comparison.

And it's something I explore more deeply in How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Everyone Else. The goal isn't to never compare yourself to another person again. That's probably unrealistic.

The goal is to recognize when you're allowing somebody else's life to make you unnecessarily question your own.

Someone else succeeding doesn't automatically mean you're failing.

Stop Treating 30 Like a Deadline

There's something about approaching 30 that makes people start doing math.

If I want to be married by 30, I probably need to meet someone by 27. If I want to own an apartment by 30, I need to be making a certain amount of money by 28. If I want to be successful in my career by 30, I should probably have a promotion by 26.

Suddenly, you're creating deadlines for things that don't necessarily have deadlines.

But 30 is an age. It's not a submission deadline. You don't need to turn in your completed life for grading at 11:59 p.m. the night before your 30th birthday.

In the Guyset episode that inspired this article, I talked about the importance of giving yourself time to figure things out.

"There's no timeline on figuring yourself out. There's no timeline on figuring it out."

And I think there's something even more important to recognize here.

You're probably never going to reach a point where you have absolutely everything figured out.

You figure out what works for you now, and then your circumstances change. Your priorities change. You get better at something. You get bored with something else. You meet someone. You lose someone. You accomplish something you spent years working toward, only to realize there's something new you want.

Then you have to figure things out again.

That's not a sign you're doing something wrong. That's what happens when you continue growing and changing.

Another piece of advice from the episode was It's Not Hard, It's Just New, and I think it applies particularly well to this conversation.

Your 20s contain an enormous number of firsts. Your first real job. Your first negotiation. Your first time living completely on your own. Your first serious adult relationship. Maybe your first serious breakup. Your first time being fired or laid off. Your first time realizing the career you thought you wanted might not actually be right for you.

Of course some of those experiences are going to feel overwhelming.

"It feels really hard. It feels like the most intense thing. It feels like it's weighing you down. It feels like it's impossible. It feels like you're never gonna be able to figure it out."

But something feeling difficult right now doesn't mean it's always going to feel that way.

Think about your first month at a new job compared to your twelfth. Or how intimidating it felt to move somewhere new before you found your favorite coffee shop, your gym, your friends, and your routine.

Things that once seemed impossible eventually become normal because you've had time to learn how to handle them.

Sometimes you're not behind. You're just a beginner.

And you need to give yourself enough time to become better at whatever you're learning.

Figure Out What You Actually Want

Instead of constantly asking yourself whether you're behind, I think there's a much more useful question you should be asking.

What do you actually want?

Not what would make you look successful. Not what your parents expected. Not what your friends are doing. Not what would make for an impressive Instagram post.

What would actually make your life better?

Maybe you want to become a VP by 30. Maybe you couldn't care less about having an impressive job title. Maybe you want to get married young. Maybe you don't want a relationship right now. Maybe you want to build your own company. Maybe you want a stable job that allows you to spend your nights and weekends doing things you enjoy.

None of those answers are inherently better than the others.

But it's difficult to know whether you're making progress when you haven't actually decided what you're working toward.

I think a lot of people spend their 20s chasing milestones without ever stopping to ask whether those milestones matter to them.

You see someone get promoted, so you feel like you need a promotion. Someone buys an apartment, so you start wondering whether you should be buying one. Someone gets engaged, and suddenly you're questioning your relationship status.

But did you actually want those things before you saw somebody else accomplish them?

That's an important distinction.

Psychology Today has discussed how focusing on personal values rather than constant comparison can help people develop a stronger sense of identity and make decisions that better reflect what matters to them.

Maybe this year, success means getting better at your job. Maybe it means finally leaving one you hate. Maybe it means getting into better shape, making new friends, dating more intentionally, or simply becoming more comfortable spending time alone.

Once you figure out what matters to you, it becomes much easier to stop obsessing over somebody who's succeeding at something you never actually wanted to compete in.

You need your own definition of success before you can start measuring your progress.

You're Not Behind, But You Still Have to Move

There's another side to this conversation that I think is just as important.

Telling yourself you're not behind shouldn't become an excuse to stop trying.

You can accept that everyone moves at a different pace while still recognizing that there are things about your own life you want to improve.

If you don't like your job, start looking for another one. If you want to get in better shape, start exercising. If you want to meet someone, put yourself in situations where you can meet people. If there's a project you've been thinking about starting for two years, maybe it's time to actually start.

You don't need to panic because someone else is further along than you. But you also don't need to sit around waiting for your life to change.

Another piece of advice from the episode was about putting in the work required to become good at something.

"You have to do the work every single day. You have to put in the work."

And I think that's an important reminder because there's a difference between giving yourself time and giving yourself excuses.

You can be proud of where you are and still want more for yourself. You can recognize how much you've accomplished while acknowledging that there's more work you want to do.

Those ideas aren't contradictory.

That's also why Why Confidence Comes After Action matters here. Confidence isn't necessarily something you develop before you start doing difficult things. A lot of the time, it comes from taking action, learning from your experiences, and building evidence that you're capable of handling challenges.

You don't need to know exactly how everything is going to work out before you start moving forward.

And if you're constantly feeling behind, I think there's one more exercise worth trying.

Instead of looking at everyone around you, look at where you were two years ago.

What can you handle now that would have terrified that version of you? What have you learned? What are you better at? What problems did you once think would ruin everything that you barely think about anymore?

What do you have today that you used to wish you had?

We're incredibly good at moving the goalposts.

You get the job, and now you want the promotion. You get in shape, and now you want to look better. You move to the city, and now you want a better apartment. You get into a relationship, and now you're thinking about what comes next.

There's nothing wrong with wanting more. Ambition is a good thing.

But if you never stop to acknowledge the progress you've already made, you're going to spend your entire life feeling like you're almost where you're supposed to be.

And that's an exhausting way to live.

And Here's The Thing

Maybe you're 23, 25, or 29, and you still don't know exactly what you want your life to look like.

You're figuring out your career, your relationships, your friendships, where you want to live, what you're good at, and what actually makes you happy.

That sounds pretty normal to me.

Your 20s aren't one big race where everybody starts at the same line and heads toward the same finish. They're probably the first decade of your life where you really get to decide what direction you want to go.

And that freedom can be uncomfortable because there's no longer someone telling you exactly what comes next.

But it's also what makes this period of your life so exciting.

You get to try things, make mistakes, change your mind, start over, and figure out what kind of life you actually want to build.

You don't need to have everything figured out by 25. You don't need to accomplish some imaginary checklist by 30. And you don't need to turn somebody else's promotion, relationship, apartment, salary, or success into evidence that you're doing something wrong.

Keep working toward the things that matter to you. Keep challenging yourself. Keep finding ways to become someone you're proud of.

Just don't forget to appreciate the person you've already become.

You don't have to catch up to somebody else's life.

You have to build yours.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to feel behind in your 20s?

Yes. Your 20s involve major changes in work, relationships, independence and identity, and people reach those milestones at very different times. Feeling behind doesn't necessarily mean you actually are.

Why do I feel like everyone is ahead of me?

You're probably comparing everything you know about your own life with the most visible parts of other people's lives. You see their accomplishments without necessarily seeing the uncertainty, mistakes and difficult periods that came before them.

What should I have figured out by 25?

There isn't a universal list. Your 20s are still a major period of figuring out your career, relationships, priorities and the kind of life you actually want to build. You don't need to have a finished version of yourself by 25.

How do I stop comparing my timeline to other people?

Get clearer about what you actually want. When you have your own definition of a good life, someone else's promotion, relationship or milestone becomes much less useful as a measurement of your progress.

Am I running out of time in my late 20s?

No. Turning 30 isn't a deadline for figuring out your career, relationship or identity. Where you are at 27 or 29 doesn't determine where you'll be a few years from now, and there is no single timeline you're required to follow.