How To Act Confident When You Don’t Feel It

There are going to be moments in your life when you don't feel confident.

Maybe you're starting a new job and you're intimidated by everyone around you. Maybe you're walking into a room where you don't know anybody. Maybe you're going on a first date, giving a presentation, or putting yourself in a situation where you feel completely out of your league.

You want to be confident. You know how you'd like to carry yourself. But actually feeling that way is a completely different story, and that's where I think a lot of people get stuck.

We assume confidence is something we're supposed to have before we do something difficult. We wait until we feel ready, comfortable, or certain that everything is going to work out. But what if you didn't need to feel confident first? What if you could borrow it?

That's the idea behind something I call Borrowed Confidence, and it's one of the most useful approaches I've found for putting myself in situations where I don't necessarily feel comfortable yet.

Instead of waiting to become the confident version of yourself, you start practicing the behaviors of someone who already is. And eventually, those behaviors can become your own.

What Is Borrowed Confidence?

Borrowed Confidence is the idea that when you don't feel confident in a situation, you can temporarily borrow the behaviors, mindset, or presence of someone who does.

Think about someone you know who always seems comfortable in a room. Maybe they're great at speaking in meetings, starting conversations, or handling uncomfortable situations. Instead of just wishing you had their confidence, pay attention to what they're actually doing.

How do they speak? How do they carry themselves? How do they react when something doesn't go according to plan?

Then ask yourself one simple question: What would they do in this situation?

I talked about this idea in an episode of Guyset, describing confidence as something you can temporarily put on and take off.

"It is something that you can put on and take off."

I love thinking about it this way because it removes some of the pressure. You're not trying to completely change your personality overnight. You're not pretending to be somebody else for the rest of your life. You're simply experimenting with a different way of showing up, and the more you practice those behaviors, the more comfortable they can start to feel.

There's a related principle in psychology called behavioral activation, which involves taking meaningful action rather than waiting for your mood or motivation to change first. As Psychology Today explains, changing behavior can influence how someone feels.

Borrowed Confidence isn't a clinical treatment, but it follows a similar practical idea: sometimes you have to start doing something before you feel ready to do it.

Pay Attention to People Who Already Have the Confidence You Want

One of the ways I've personally used Borrowed Confidence is in professional settings.

I remember being intimidated by meetings because I didn't always know when to speak, how to jump into a conversation, or how to communicate my ideas without second-guessing myself. And when you're already nervous, it's easy to spend so much time thinking about how you're coming across that you barely pay attention to what's actually happening.

So instead of trying to force myself to suddenly become more confident, I started paying attention to people who seemed comfortable in those situations.

There was someone I worked with who was particularly good at carrying herself in meetings.

"I learned so much just by watching her."

I watched how she communicated, how she entered conversations, and how she seemed comfortable speaking without overexplaining everything. Then I started trying some of those things myself.

Maybe that meant speaking a little more slowly, asking a question instead of staying silent, or contributing an idea without immediately questioning whether it was good enough. At first, those behaviors didn't necessarily feel natural, but I was giving myself a way to practice rather than waiting for confidence to magically appear.

Harvard Business Review has explored how confidence can be developed through experience, preparation, and repeated action.

That's an important part of this idea. You don't necessarily become confident by thinking about being confident. You become more comfortable by repeatedly putting yourself in situations that once intimidated you.

If this is something you're working on professionally, How To Advocate for Yourself at Work explores how to speak up and communicate your value.

Borrow the Behavior, Not the Entire Personality

I think there's an important distinction between borrowing confidence and pretending to be somebody you're not. You're not trying to become an exact copy of someone else.

Maybe you admire how comfortable someone is starting conversations, but you don't necessarily like how loud or outgoing they are. You can borrow their willingness to initiate without copying their entire personality.

Maybe you admire how someone speaks in meetings, but their communication style doesn't completely match yours. You can borrow their composure while finding your own way to communicate. That's what makes this idea so useful. You're not trying to become somebody else. You're figuring out which behaviors actually work for you.

"You're just borrowing it. You're not keeping it."

Think about it like trying on clothes. Something might look great on somebody else but not feel right when you put it on. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just means you need to find something that fits, and confidence works the same way.

You can experiment with different behaviors, learn from people you admire, and gradually develop a way of carrying yourself that feels natural. And if something doesn't work, you don't have to keep doing it just because it works for somebody else.

If you're struggling to take that first step, What To Do When You Feel Stuck is a useful reminder that progress often starts with doing something small.

How to Borrow Confidence in Dating and Social Situations

This idea isn't limited to your career. Think about how often confidence comes up in dating, relationships, and social situations.

Maybe you're nervous about approaching someone you're interested in. Maybe you don't know how to start a conversation at a party. Maybe you're going on a date and you're worried about saying something awkward.

Now think about someone you know who seems naturally comfortable in those situations. What are they actually doing differently?

Maybe they don't spend ten minutes overthinking whether to introduce themselves. Maybe they're comfortable asking questions. Maybe they don't treat every awkward silence like something has gone terribly wrong.

Instead of trying to memorize exactly what that person would say, pay attention to the behaviors that make them seem comfortable.

"You can watch what he just did."

Then try one of those behaviors yourself. You don't need to suddenly become the most outgoing person in the room. Maybe your version of borrowing confidence is simply walking up to someone and introducing yourself instead of waiting for them to approach you. Maybe it's asking someone on a date instead of spending another week wondering whether they're interested.

As Psychology Today discusses, becoming more comfortable socially can involve practicing interactions rather than avoiding situations that feel awkward.

And that's really what you're doing here. You're practicing something that doesn't feel natural yet. The goal isn't to never feel nervous again. It's to become someone who can feel nervous and still do the thing.

If you're trying to navigate those early dating situations, How Do I Know If She's Actually Interested? can help you better understand the signals you're getting.

You Can Borrow Confidence From People You've Never Met

Here's another thing I love about this concept. You don't actually have to know the person you're borrowing confidence from.

It could be an athlete, an actor, a creator, a business leader, or somebody you've watched in an interview. Maybe you admire how they handle pressure. Maybe you like how comfortable they seem being themselves. Maybe it's their consistency, their work ethic, or the way they communicate.

You can take inspiration from those qualities without ever having a conversation with that person.

I've done this myself.

One example I talked about on Guyset was being on a red carpet and feeling completely out of my element. I didn't necessarily feel prepared or confident walking into that environment. There were people around me who had far more experience, and I could have spent the entire time thinking about how uncomfortable I felt.

Instead, I thought about Emma Chamberlain.

"I channeled what Emma Chamberlain did."

I'd watched how she carried herself in interviews and on red carpets. She seemed comfortable, conversational, and willing to be herself even in situations that could easily feel intimidating.

So I tried to borrow some of that presence. Not her personality or her exact words, just the comfort and ease she brought into those interactions.

And that gave me something to work with. I wasn't suddenly an entirely different person. I was still me, doing something that felt unfamiliar, but I had a reference point for how I wanted to approach the situation.

Sometimes that's all you need to get started.

How to Actually Practice Borrowed Confidence

If you want to try this yourself, I think the easiest way is to start with one situation where you wish you felt more confident.

Maybe it's speaking up at work, meeting new people, going on dates, or putting yourself out there creatively. Then think about someone who handles that situation in a way you admire.

Pay attention to the specific behaviors that make them seem confident. Are they comfortable with silence? Do they ask thoughtful questions? Do they speak clearly? Are they willing to make the first move?

Choose one behavior and practice it the next time you're in a similar situation. You don't need to change everything about how you act. In fact, I'd encourage you not to.

Start small.

If you normally stay quiet during meetings, challenge yourself to contribute one idea. If you're uncomfortable starting conversations, introduce yourself to one person. If you constantly apologize before sharing your opinion, practice saying what you think without immediately undermining yourself.

Afterward, think about what worked. Did the behavior help? Did it feel natural? Is there something you'd change next time?

Keep the parts that work and leave the rest. The point isn't to become somebody else. It's to discover which behaviors help you become a more confident version of yourself.

Eventually, Borrowed Confidence Becomes Your Own

I think the best part of Borrowed Confidence is what happens after you've practiced it for a while.

Eventually, you stop thinking about the person you originally borrowed the behavior from. You don't need to remind yourself to speak up in meetings because you've become more comfortable contributing. You don't have to think about how someone else would start a conversation because you've done it enough times to develop your own approach.

What once felt uncomfortable starts to feel normal.

"I now feel like that is my own confidence."

And that's really the goal. You're not borrowing confidence because you want to spend your entire life pretending to be somebody else. You're borrowing it because you want to develop confidence of your own.

The only way to figure out what that looks like is to give yourself opportunities to practice. Over time, the behaviors that once required a conscious effort can become things you do naturally.

And Here's The Thing

I think we spend way too much time waiting to feel confident before doing things that require confidence.

We tell ourselves we'll speak up when we feel more comfortable. We'll put ourselves out there when we're less nervous. We'll try something new when we're more prepared. But if you constantly wait for confidence to show up first, you might spend a lot of time waiting.

You don't have to feel completely ready to take the next step.

Find people you admire. Pay attention to what they do well. Borrow the behaviors that make sense for you, and start practicing them in your own life.

Some things will work. Others won't. You'll have awkward moments, make mistakes, and occasionally feel like you have absolutely no idea what you're doing. That's part of learning, and it's part of becoming more comfortable with things that once intimidated you.

One day, you might find yourself doing something that used to scare you without even thinking about it. You won't need to ask what somebody else would do anymore because you'll know what you would do.

And that confidence will be yours.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is borrowed confidence?

Borrowed confidence is practicing the behaviors of someone you admire until you develop greater confidence in those situations yourself.

Is acting confident the same as faking it?

Not necessarily. Borrowed confidence is about practicing new behaviors, not pretending to be someone you're not.

How long does borrowed confidence take to feel real?

There's no set timeline. Confidence often develops gradually as you practice, gain experience, and become more comfortable.

Can borrowed confidence help with dating and social anxiety?

It can help you practice social behaviors and feel more comfortable in unfamiliar situations, but it's not a replacement for professional treatment for social anxiety.

What if I don't know who to borrow confidence from?

Start with someone whose communication, composure, or presence you admire. Focus on one specific behavior you'd like to practice.