What To Do When You Feel Stuck

I was asked a question in the last Dear GuySet session that I did last week and also in an Ask Me Anything I did on Instagram this past Tuesday about confidence. And the question I answered last week was something along the lines of I'm in a rut at work and I'm feeling burnt out at work.

and asking for advice on that and how to get out of that. And the question I was asked on Instagram was just simply, how do I build confidence? And I think those two things are more related than you might think on the surface, confidence and burnout, because I think they like really do fall in the same category. And at the same time, I think because people are asking these types of questions,

These have to be questions that other guys also have, that other guys also want the answers to that are looking for advice on or recommendations on. And that means it's the perfect topic for an episode. And I wanted to do a full episode on finding inspiration and changing careers and jobs. And that was kind of my first idea for what I was gonna talk about this week. And then I got that question of just how do I simply build confidence?

And I feel like that's a really good kind of like ground layer for this topic. And I think you'll understand at the end why I think confidence is the ground zero, like the main thing that you have to build on in anything, in your career, in work, in life, in relationships, and that confidence is kind of the key element, like the soil that you then plant on or bloom on after. Wow.

I tried a couple different references there. I tried a couple different, you know, metaphors, anecdotes for confidence being the thing that is like at the core. And I don't know if any of landed, but I think you understand what I'm trying to say. So because this is a question I'm getting a lot, that I thought maybe this topic would be one that people are asking about or waning on, maybe struggling with, maybe have...

potentially lost for the moment in terms of confidence or want to build back up and I think I have some really good recommendations or suggestions for this and I want to also start by saying that it is the time of year around Thanksgiving and the holidays and the end of the year in general when people are just worn down from the year like we've all had a long year and it's gone by a lot quicker with for me at least than I

thought time flies by so fucking fast and before you blink it'll be November of next year and I think that by this time right now like people are just ready for a break and usually need a good reset to which is why the holidays are so important and it is so important to take a break and take a rest and put all of this stuff down that is either stressing you out or is kind of the main thing consuming your time.

And then I think once January comes back around, everybody's kind of like, yeah, like I'm reset. I'm good to go. I mean, you're supposed to feel that way. Like that's kind of like how you're made to feel. That's how like that you're supposed to be like new year, new me, like New Year's resolutions. Let me go like make my bed every morning. Let me start journaling. Let me start like doing all this shit. Like now I'm going to finally accomplish my goals just because it's a new year. And that's usually not actually how it works because like you're just still the same person. It's just and it's just a new day. Like the sun still rose on the next day and

nothing has really changed beside the fact that it's a new year. I'm not saying that to be negative or cynical. I'm just saying that like there is this thing that everyone's like, you know what, like I'm going to wait till next year. I'm going to, I'm going to start again next year, but burnout and feeling like you need a break is just, it happens around this time. I think for a lot of people every year. And I think the feeling of burnout also really relates to feeling confident in yourself.

and your abilities and what you're doing and what you're supposed to do. These two things really do go hand in hand, like feeling good in your career and what you're supposed to do and feeling confident in yourself. And confidence is kind of like this 360 situation. And I'll get into that a little bit more in a second. like, if you feel good in what you do, then you'll also feel good in the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you speak, the way you act. Like all of it, all of it is,

Essential like the layer of confidence kind of feeds everything else that you do or that you're trying to do or the things you're accomplishing the things you're going after and if you're feeling Burnt out it could also mean you're not feeling that confident. It could also mean you're kind of like I don't really know what I'm supposed to do I don't really know what I want to do. What is my purpose what I meant to do and all of those thoughts that kind of trickle in when you start to

kind of feel less confident in what you're doing and in your abilities. And I think confidence is something that goes up and down. I think it's something that you feel like, you can feel like you have completely and also something that you can completely lose. One day you feel like you know exactly what you're doing and what you're supposed to do and that really builds confidence. When you feel good in what you do and how you do it. And other days,

You can feel like you have no idea what you're doing and what you're supposed to do and feel like you're never gonna find that you'll never be good enough and that's the opposite of confidence, right? Like that's anxiety and overthinking. It's the two sides of the spectrum. Feeling really strong in your ability and feeling really weak in your ability. Strength versus weakness. And I think something really important that comes with confidence, maybe think of it...

as in the pocket of confidence, like the pocket of your pants, like you're not always looking at it every single day or thinking about it. Sometimes you might even forget that you have it like a receipt or like a $20 bill that you find sometimes in your pocket and you're like, shit, like I've been looking for that or like, shit, like that's exciting, you know, is an understanding of your expectations that you hold of yourself and of what you're doing.

You may have super high expectations of yourself every day and sometimes you may not and won't meet that. And that doesn't necessarily mean that you're not good at what you're doing and you shouldn't think that you're good at what you're doing. A mistake doesn't mean that you failed. So level set with yourself.

You didn't disappoint if you didn't succeed every single time. Like you're not going to succeed and get everything you're supposed to do and accomplish everything you want to do every single day. And if you start to feel like you're disappointing yourself, you're disappointing everybody around you, you're failing, you're messing up, like all of these things that come with burnout, that come with feeling like you're not good enough at what you're doing, that come with feeling like you're not good at your career, that can quickly lead to disappointment.

And disappointment is a quick pathway to lose confidence in your abilities. So I think confidence starts there with a deeper rooted understanding that you're doing your best and that you believe you are good at what you do. And if you believe you're good at what you do and you think you're doing your best and you truly do believe that other people's opinions of how you're doing won't hold as much weight.

And that's another quick way to lose confidence in yourself is if somebody says that you're not doing a good job or you're not doing a good enough job, whether that be your boss, your coworker, a friend, a girlfriend, the girl you're seeing, anybody that is in your little world. If somebody says that you're not doing good enough job, like it's a very easy way to feel like you're not measuring up, you're not being there for me. All of the different ways that not doing good job can form.

That's a surefire way to lose confidence in yourself and your ability. And I really do think confidence is a 360 degree thing. It's in the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you move, the way you act, the way you think, and the way you feel. And it all starts with what's between your ears and behind your eyes. It's how you think of yourself. And at the end of the day, I think confidence is a choice.

It's something that you have to wake up and decide every single day, at least until you get the hang of it and truly believe in it, you know? I actually find that exciting. Like, I really do believe the idea that you can decide to be confident is one that's very exciting. I really do believe that. Like, I really do think you can wake up and say, I'm gonna be confident in myself today. Like, I'm gonna decide that.

I'm actually not as burnt out as I'm letting myself off to be like actually maybe I can do a couple things differently today that will change the way I think and the way I feel like I think when you step out of your bed and you put your feet on the ground I learned this thing a little while ago this thing that you say three things you're grateful for you just think them right when you put your feet on the ground right out right when you get out of bed I try and do it every single morning

And it already rewires my brain instead of thinking of all the things I have to do and all the things that I want to get to all the things I didn't do yesterday, all the things that I failed at, the things I messed up at, the things that our brain can go so tornado about. If you kind of like ground yourself in gratitude, if you're like, hey, I'm grateful for my friend. It's as simple as this. Like my friends, my work, my girlfriend, my career, my job, my apartment, getting to go outside today, going to the gym.

the book I read last night, TV show I watched, the movie I'm watching, the coffee I drank yesterday, the dinner I had, the dinner I'm gonna have, like three quick simple things. It already sets you up for a better day than yesterday or a better mindset than you had if you're feeling not that confident, if you're feeling burnt out, if you're feeling like you're not strong, know, all of those things. There are so many things to be grateful for and kind of like rewire that.

It's exciting to be able to think that way. And I really do believe that it is a daily choice and something that you have to practice. you're not just going to wake up confident, but you do wake up with choices and decisions. So are you going to choose to believe in yourself or are you going to wane in your opinion of yourself? Let me phrase it like me instead of yourself.

Am I going to choose when I wake up to believe in myself and that I can do what I set out to do or I can do what I want to do or am I going to wane in that opinion of myself and be like, actually, I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm good enough. I actually don't think I'm good enough. I don't know if I like what I do. I don't think I like what I do. I every day I go to go to work. I sit with these people and I don't like this. I don't know how I ended up here and I don't know how to get out of this.

and I really need that reset. And I'm not saying it's bad to need a reset. I hopefully started this enough by saying like, it is totally fine to need that reset and to want that reset. I feel that way, I've felt that way before. I'm sure so many people are feeling that way, especially right now. Like it's just that time of year. And I think it's never a bad thing to think that.

but it's a bad thing to stay in that. If you've been there for a little while, I hope you take this as your kind of moment to be like, all right, maybe it's time to get out of that. Maybe it's time to refocus and to recenter and to have a growth mindset, which I'll talk about in a second. Maybe it's time to stop feeling so badly for myself, stop feeling so sorry and be like, you know what, I'm actually gonna change this. I have the ability to change this and I'm going to.

And maybe you've been there for a little bit now. It's only been a couple days in this feeling, or it's been a couple weeks. Whatever it is, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I think it's totally normal and it's normal to not feel like you're good enough or feel like what you're doing is wrong and you're just trying to get out of this and you're like, how the fuck do get out of this? That's all normal. It's normal to not feel confident. It's normal to feel like you don't know if you have the right abilities, if you're good enough.

and not feel as strong as you want to. These are all ways that I have felt before. And I think it's most important that you know that you have the ability to change that.

That is a really powerful conversation and it's rooted in psychology, which is my major in college, Sleuttle Flex, that everybody said wouldn't go anywhere. No, I'm just kidding. But it is, it's rooted in psychology. It's called a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. And it was coined, it's a theory by this psychologist named Carol Dweck. A fixed mindset put plainly is the idea that your circumstances are your circumstances. Your thoughts are your thoughts.

Josh Felgoise (14:09.636)

Nothing will change and it will always be this way and I'm sure Carol would have a few edits to my description But like let's just go with it for right now. Okay, cuz she's not here to correct me And if she wants to correct me feel free Carol and a growth mindset is the idea that things can change That things will in fact not always be this way and you have the power and the ability to change them

So fixed is your abilities are static and unchangeable and growth is your abilities can be developed through hard work and dedication. A fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. It's the two sides of the coin, kind of like the strong and the weak. it's just, it's how you think about yourself. And I really like putting it that plainly. Cause I think it, I don't know if you've ever heard this before. It's something I always think about. I learned about it maybe sophomore year of college. And I was like, yeah, like that put

a kind of terminology to the way I think. Like there are times in which I'm like, fuck this, this is gonna be the same, this sucks, like blah, you know? And everybody's been there, everyone's been there. And then there are times where like, I'm gonna change this, this is an amazing opportunity, or I wanna find an opportunity, I wanna change my circumstance. And those two things can all happen within a week, they can happen within a day, they can happen within a month, they can happen within a year. Like there's no timeline on...

changing your fixed mindset to a growth mindset or if you will always stay in that growth mindset. I flip flop between the two. Like there was a period last month where I was in a total fixed mindset. I was like, this situation sucks. don't think, I don't even know how to get out of this situation and I don't know when I will, how long it's gonna take me to. And then I kind of flipped it into like, all right, I have an opportunity to figure out how to change this.

Will I take it or will I sit in the fixed situation? The fixed shit. I sit in that or will I try something else? Like, it's not going to happen overnight, as I said. Confidence isn't built overnight. But it can be developed through hard work and dedication. It can be developed through a belief in yourself that you want to be more confident, so you'll be more confident. And...

I think it's the perfect way to think about confidence and to talk about confidence. Because if you're not feeling confident right now and you maybe haven't been for a little while and you don't believe you will ever get there, then so be it. Stay fixed. Stay in that period or that moment where you're like, I'm not confident. I'm not gonna be confident. I don't know how to be confident. So it's never gonna happen. Yeah. But if you are not feeling confident right now and you want to change that, which you do because you asked this question,

listener. Thank you so much for asking this question because you led me to a 20 minute rant that I feel incredibly passionate about because I really do believe in this joke on it, which means I believe in it even more. If you believe that you can change that, then you will. It won't happen overnight. You won't wake up with it, but you can change it. And this can be applied to everything. And I think it it's a perfect kind of fit for this conversation.

I just, wanna like present you with that and I want that to sink in for a second. think about a situation or something in your life right now where you feel like it's always going to be this way because it is this way. It stinks, I don't like it, I'm not that happy with it, but like so be it, it is this way. It's just like that's fixed.

And then there's a situation in your life right now where you're like, I'm attempting to improve. I'm attempting to work on it. I think the gym is a great example. If you don't feel like you're that strong or you want to get bigger, is it a really good example for this? I talk a lot about gym confidence and feeling like the ego of weightlifting, feeling like you're stuck in the, don't know what to do at the gym. I don't think I'll ever know. And going there is scary and intimidating and

I don't really belong there. That's a fixed mindset. But being like, want to go there. I want to show up every day. I'm going to show up every day and I'm going to lift a weight. I'm going to figure out what I'm supposed to do at the gym. I'm going to meet a trainer. I'm going to figure out a workout plan. I'm going to ask people questions. I'm going to ask somebody to spot me. I'm going to ask somebody to check my form. I'm going to make the dedicated decision.

to work on this, to improve this, actually get stronger. This is a great way to describe the fixed first growth. I am not strong right now, I feel weak, and because the gym's intimidating, because I don't feel like I belong there, I'm gonna stay weak. Or I really want to get stronger, so I'm going to do the things it takes to get stronger, and that may put me in an uncomfortable position. I may not feel comfortable going to the gym, but I know...

Within a week, I'll feel better. Within a month, I'll feel a little better, a lot better. And within a year, I may gain that confidence. And with two years, people are gonna look at me like I looked at them. And I think that's a really good framing for this. Confidence is a little bit more of a, what's the word I'm looking for? A thing that's in the sky. can't really see it. can't put a, everybody has a different.

definition of confidence. Everybody has a different way to look at confidence. It's kind of not philosophical or like magical, but it's like this like, you know what I'm trying to say, don't you? Like it's not something you can touch. Like it's not something you can really, but strength is. You can look at a weaker muscle versus a strong, like somebody that's smaller and somebody that's bigger. That's a really good physical attribution versus like a metaphorical or like a.

What the fuck is the word I'm looking for? I don't know, but I hope you got what I'm saying. And I wanna go back to burnouts or ruts because feeling that way in your work or in your career can mean a lot of things and a lot of different things. And it can also mean that it's time to start looking for something new, especially if you're not learning or growing in your job. And I did an episode a while back called What No One Tells You About Leaving Your First Job.

And it should have been called learning and growing for the amount of times I said, if you're not learning and growing, then you should probably look for a new job or it's probably a sign that you should start looking for something new or finding something new. Because that is exactly how I felt at my first job. There was a couple months near the end of that job where I just didn't feel like I was learning and growing. And that to me felt like a sure fire sign that it was time to start looking for something new.

And I really do believe that that advice still holds true. And I think it can also be universally applied to anything because if you're not learning and growing, here I go again, if you're not doing those two things, like you're just not progressing, you're not changing, you're not evolving, you're not growing. And it's the only way to grow, to change and to be challenged and to put yourself in challenging positions or new positions or places that you're uncomfortable.

No challenge, no change, right? But also, no change, no change. It's really as simple as that. So if you're feeling stuck and you don't see a way out and you feel this burnout and you feel this rut and you really feel stuck in that and you have been feeling that way for a little while now, I know I kind of started this by saying like maybe you're feeling it this way right now, but if you've been feeling that way for a while now, it probably means it's time for your very own change. And

Even just saying that to yourself, you kind of shutter at the idea of it and you push it away for a little while. Like, I think we all do that. When change is presented, it makes us uncomfortable. Like, it makes us scared and nervous. And it's this thing that we just were like, what? no, I'm not ready for that right now. Like, no, no, maybe in a few months, in a few weeks, in a little while. I'm good right now. Thanks, though. Like, thanks, mind. Like, I'm good right now.

I'm gonna stay in this because that is where I'm comfortable. And it should, right? Because you're presenting yourself with something you are literally not yet comfortable with. It's normal. Better yet, it's expected that you're not sure of it. You're nervous about it. It makes you kind of like shiver at the idea of it. And when that feeling kind of starts to consistently come up that it's that you're just not feeling like this is something that's motivating you or

Inspiring you or challenging you or allowing you to grow then that's probably a sign that it's time for something new and I know that you'll probably be like yeah, okay, but like in a few months like in a little while and That's fine. You can kick the can down the road a little longer until it gets to a point where you no longer can and you can only be the judge of that like

You can get advice from all the different people you talk to and hear from, but it has to come from within you when you realize that like you no longer want to be in this rut or in this kind of stuck position or this burnout position. And I think one of the best things you can do when you start to feel this way, whether it be a job change, a position change, a company change, a career change, is look around at the people whose careers you admire.

And this is what I call borrowed confidence. It took me 30 minutes to get there, but that is what I wanted to talk about today. Have you ever wished to borrow somebody else's confidence? Because I definitely have, and I believe you actually can borrow their confidence. And here's how. Who are those people for you that you look at and you're like, I really admire what they do, I really like their career, I really like the way they live, I like the things they do, I like the way they have it all figured out.

Maybe try to find three models or three role models. How did they get to where they got better yet? How did they start? What was the first thing they did? Could be your coworker, your boss, your dad, your grandpa, your mom, your brother, Steve jobs, Phil Knight, whoever you look up to and admire. How did they get there? How did they do that? How do they do what they do and think?

How can I emulate that? How can I emulate them? You're not trying to be them. You're just using them and the model they've created or what they've built to inform your next steps. Start acting like the person who has the things you want. What are the two to three things they do

that you can start doing or what are the two to three things they did that you can start doing. And start seeing yourself take those consistent actions. And by taking the action to do the things that they do or following in their footsteps and doing the things that they've actually done, see if this is even something that you like. By taking the action before you tell yourself you're not ready to do this or scare yourself away from it.

And this is perfect, I think, for anybody that's thinking about leaving a job or changing a job or changing a position. What are the things you can do today to act like you already have that position? How can you learn that position while you're still in your other position before you leave, before you do that other thing? And this is something I do all the time because why not use the resources you have around you?

And the resources we have are endless podcasts like this one, YouTube, Ted Talks, lectures, books, documentaries, news, there is in magazines, there is an infinite amount of resources and information out there about literally everyone and everything. Use all of that to your advantage to figure out what you want to do next.

and start talking to people. Cold message people on LinkedIn, find their email from company sites. These are all things you can do when you're in a rut or you're feeling like you're burnt out or you're not feeling confident in your abilities to start borrowing somebody else's confidence, to start borrowing confidence. Constantly practice who you want to be and how you want to be.

how you wanna act, how you wanna talk, the things you wanna do, and that's how you'll get to where you want to go. It's kind of like fake it till you make it, but said in a better way, I think. And I feel like there are a lot of people who just feel stuck in general, and I've said burnout, I've said rut, maybe stuck is the better way to say all of those words. And they're all things you can change.

but feel like you can't when you're really in them or when you're in the dumps of them, when you're in like the depths or the dreads of them, when you're like, this is how it is. I don't feel that confident in myself. I don't feel great in my abilities. What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not never going to be good enough? Like that's all the same category. And I just gave you a couple.

Things I think you can do. I really piled it on at the end there. I gave you just like all the actual like tactical practical things to do within like the last five minutes and the rest of it was just kind of everything else. But I really do think there are practical things you can do today, tomorrow, the next day, every single day to practice confidence, to get out of that rut, to stop feeling so burnt out.

to stop feeling like it's always going to be this way. It's just adapting that growth mindset, putting that on, trying that hat on and being like, can I do this? Like, why not? What if I just tried? What if I just thought that I could? What if I just thought I could get out of this and see what happens? And you have to believe it every single day. this isn't just like, these aren't just words I'm spewing. Like this is.

true psychology and science, neuroscience backed shit that like, I have to have somebody on here to really give me the science because we all fucking know I don't have a science. But I've read it, I start to understand it and like a lot of the opinions and advice I have is formulated based on a lot of that and.

It's all really rooted in like a deeper understanding or a deeper psychology of like you can change anything like you can start anything you can do anything. I'm like now and inspirational like I feel like I'm just one of the Emmy like I'm not trying to give you like an inspirational pep talk but at the same time like this is shit that I really do believe like I really do believe.

that you can borrow confidence, that you can wake up tomorrow and be like, I am gonna decide to be more confident. And if you decide that this is the way it always is, then that's the way it always is, and that's the way it always will be. And if you decide that I'm gonna try something new, I'm gonna take on a new hobby, I'm gonna try and be a little more interesting, I'm gonna try and change up my tactics, or the way I spend my day, or the way I go home after work, and the way I use my time, and...

how I talk to people, how I communicate with my friends, how I date, the amount of dates I go on. And I gave a few ways to borrow confidence. And I think the best way, I think there's two best ways. One is to listen to an audio book or read a memoir of a CEO or somebody that you find really inspiring. I'm currently listening to Shoe Dog by Phil Knight. You probably heard me mention him and you might have been like, who the fuck is Phil Knight?

He's the CEO of Nike, the creator of Nike. And I'm finding his story so fascinating. I'm like three fourths of the way through. seeing how he started is so similar to you and I. Like his journey started at like 25 years old of being like, I don't really wanna work in accounting anymore. And I really do believe in this idea I have about.

running shoes and that they should be better and that like athletes need inspiration and all these different things and like that's how he started. And there are trials and tribulations of the Nike story that I had no idea about. I'm wearing Nike today. That's a coincidence fully but like not sponsored. I'd love to be if you know anybody. No but that story is like in it's really inspirational because it's a lot of our stories currently. It's a lot of the

fixed stories of like the I am in this thing right now, I'm in this rut, I'm in this period where I don't really like what I'm doing and I don't know if I can change it but I'm gonna try. And I think it's a perfect example, I think it's a really great way to borrow somebody's confidence, to hear their story, to start the way they started and do the things they do. And another really great way is to reach out to people as I said, cold.

calling or just sending an email, because I feel like calling isn't as, it's not as much of a thing anymore, but sending somebody an email or a LinkedIn message. And I wrote up what I think is a really easy message, a quick thing you can send. So literally copy and paste this or write it down as I'm saying it. Hi, my name is Josh. I'm currently working at blank doing blank and fill that in with your company and your position or your title. I'm really interested in what you do as blank and would love to talk to you about blank.

And if you don't know what to write, like use chat GPT. Like it's a, it's a great resource for you. Like fill in the thing, put the person's name in and their position. And like, it's, it's like a cheat code into if you, if you don't know what to write and if you're nervous about what you're going to send, just ask chat GPT like, Hey, is this a professional message to send to this person? And it's not like easy to change careers. It's not easy to change jobs. It's not easy to, wrap your head around change, but the practical steps to figure it all out ourselves.

are literally right at our fingertips. And I'll leave you with that because I feel like that is, I kind of went all over the place in this episode because I wanted to talk about feeling like you're stuck and I also wanted to talk about confidence. And I think I wrapped both of those two things up with the fixed and growth mindset theory. I hope I did. And I believe those are two things that

you can change and that you have to practice changing every single day. And if you do that, you will get there. That is the episode. Thank you so much. Listen to guys set a guy's guide to what should be talked about. I'm Josh. I'm 25 years old and I'm here every single week, every single Tuesday to talk about what should be talked about for guys in their twenties. If you liked this episode, I really hope you did. Please like subscribing to this podcast. Five stars. That's one, two, three, or five stars, not four, three, two, one, five stars.

Thanks so much for the night. I really, really, really appreciate that. If you have any questions about that, we'll talk to our guys in their 20s. Send it to my website. Go to guyset.com. G-U-I-S-E-T.com. There is an ask me anything button right there. It goes right to my email. It can be anonymous. You can put anything you want and I will be sure to talk about it. I'll do a full episode like this, just like 100%. I love that you guys are writing in, that I'm hearing what people actually want me to talk about. And it really does inform this podcast and what I talk about because...

Chances are if you are struggling with it or if you're wondering about it if you want advice on it Somebody else does too and it's going to help somebody else too. You can watch this full episode on YouTube You can find me on Instagram and tik-tok at guys set podcast You can check out guys set comm for new articles every single day on everything that should be talked about for guys and everything that guys are asking Thank you so much. Listen to guys set a guys guide to what should be talked about and I will see you guys next Tuesday

See you guys.