#97 - Learning To Live Without (with Jack Ciapciak)
Apr 8, 2025
Jack went viral on TikTok for posting his story about losing his fiancé and has continued to share what it’s like to lose someone you love, grieve, and learn to live without. I think this is such a hard topic to talk about but an incredibly important one. I don't think anyone really knows how to navigate grief so I’m really grateful to have had this conversation with Jack and share it with you.
If you’ve lost someone or if you know someone who’s lost someone, this episode is for you and dedicated to you. I hope you’re doing okay today and I think everyone will find value in this episode.
How to Support Someone Who's Grieving: A Young Man's Guide to Loss, Community, and Moving Forward
Jack Ciapciak's story of losing his fiancé shows how grief creates unexpected connections and why guys need to talk about loss more openly
When Jack Ciapciak lost his fiancé suddenly at age 30, he faced a challenge that most young men aren't equipped to handle: how to grieve publicly, authentically, and without shame. His journey from private mourning to viral TikTok videos reaching 12 million people offers powerful lessons about loss, community, and the unexpected ways tragedy can create purpose.
Jack's experience reveals a crucial truth: young men desperately need better tools for dealing with grief—both their own and supporting others through it.
The Story That Started a Movement
In December 2022, Jack's fiancé passed away suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition. After nearly two years of grief, Jack found himself at a crossroads. Friends and family were checking in less frequently, assuming he was "doing better." But grief doesn't follow timelines.
"When my mom would call and ask if I was having a bad day, I knew if I told her the truth, it would ruin her day," Jack explains. "For some reason, it felt easier to post random videos on TikTok and share my grief with strangers than overwhelming or being a burden to my friends and family."
One night in January 2024, Jack posted a story about the bench where he'd proposed—and how he'd turned it into a memorial with a quote from Drew Barrymore's movie "Never Been Kissed": "Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it."
He woke up the next morning to a million views.
What Young Men Get Wrong About Grief
Jack's experience highlights how unprepared young men are for loss—both experiencing it and supporting others through it.
"Before I lost my fiancé, I never knew what to say to a friend who had lost someone," he admits. "None of us are equipped to deal with grief."
The Common Mistakes:
Avoiding the topic to prevent "upsetting" the grieving person
Trying to distract instead of acknowledging the loss
Assuming silence is better than saying the "wrong" thing
Not knowing when or how to reach out
Jack's advice cuts through the confusion: "There's no right thing to say and there's no wrong thing to say. The only wrong thing to do is say nothing."
How to Support Someone Who's Grieving
What Actually Helps:
1. Acknowledge It Simply
"Hey, I'm thinking of you. I'm here if you need anything."
Send a heart emoji to let them know they're on your mind
Don't overcomplicate it—simple gestures mean everything
2. Don't Assume Your Relationship Status Matters "The messages that meant the most to me were from people I never expected to reach out," Jack says. "Those almost meant more than close friends and family who I expected to be there."
3. Give Them Grace
Understand if they take days to respond to texts
Don't take it personally if they cancel plans last minute
Let them be "a flake" without judgment
4. Use Their Name "My husband died seven years ago and no one has said his name to me in five years," one commenter told Jack. Don't let fear of "bringing up painful memories" erase someone's existence—they're always thinking about them anyway.
The Male Grief Experience: What's Different?
Jack's story reveals specific challenges young men face with grief:
Social Expectations
At a dinner with his fiancé's male friends two months after the loss, Jack noticed something telling: "None of them were talking about Jack or bringing it up. In their mind, they were doing the right thing—trying to distract me and give me this fun night out. But all I wanted to do was talk about him."
Emotional Suppression
Men are often expected to "be strong" or "get over it" quickly. Jack's approach challenges this: "Let yourself feel everything—the pain, if you're lucky enough to have joy. If you try to suppress it, it'll work its way up eventually."
Finding Purpose in Loss
What started as personal healing became something larger. Jack's TikTok created a community where "widows, parents grieving a child, people who lost a pet that meant the world to them" could connect and support each other.
"I'm finally finding a purpose in his passing," Jack reflects. "I feel like his life is making a difference and his story is helping other people."
Practical Tools for Grieving
What Helped Jack:
Therapy with a grief psychologist ("That guy totally saved me")
Daily walks ("I think walking fixes everything")
Books and podcasts about grief and loss
Letting himself feel without judgment
Creating rituals to honor his fiancé's memory
Resources Jack Recommends:
Podcast: "All There Is" by Anderson Cooper
Books:
"The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion
"Signs" by Laura Lynn Jackson
"After" by Bruce Greyson
The Dating After Loss Question
One of the hardest aspects of Jack's grief journey has been navigating dating again. His experiences reveal the complexity of moving forward:
"I went on some Hinge dates and didn't tell the person my fiancé died. I sat there the whole night lying by trying to avoid talking about Jack," he shares.
His advice for others in similar situations: "Don't rush it. Give yourself time to fix yourself. But also listen to yourself—if you feel ready, go for it. You deserve to be happy again, and that's what they would want."
The Power of Signs and Small Comforts
Jack's openness to signs—from black G-Wagons to cherries appearing at meaningful moments—offers a perspective that might help others: "Maybe that's what I'm doing [telling myself these things to feel better], but you know what? It brings me so much comfort."
His philosophy: "Do whatever you need to do to get through this. Don't be a hater about this kind of stuff. Let people have what they need to have."
Creating Your Own Memorial Bench
Inspired by Jack's story, consider how you might honor someone you've lost:
Create a dedicated space or ritual
Share their favorite quotes or sayings
Find ways to keep their memory alive in daily life
Don't hide from talking about them
The Drew Barrymore Connection
Jack's story caught the attention of Drew Barrymore herself, leading to an appearance on her show where she dedicated a tattoo to his fiancé. The moment showed how authentic grief stories resonate far beyond social media—they create real human connections.
Why This Matters for Every Guy
Even if you haven't experienced significant loss, Jack's story offers valuable lessons:
Check in on your grieving friends regularly—even months or years later
Don't assume time heals all wounds—grief doesn't follow timelines
Be willing to say their name and acknowledge the loss
Give people permission to feel everything
Remember that supporting others through grief makes you a better friend
The Bottom Line: Grief Isn't Something to Fix
"You're not gonna make that person's pain go away with anything you say," Jack reminds us. "So just acknowledge it."
The goal isn't to eliminate someone's grief or make them "move on." It's to show up, be present, and let them know they're not alone in carrying their pain.
Jack's mission is simple but powerful: "Get people to be more comfortable talking about grief, sharing their feelings, and being authentic." In a world where young men often struggle to express emotions, his example shows that vulnerability isn't weakness—it's a pathway to healing and genuine human connection.
For guys navigating loss: Let yourself feel everything. Find your support system. Don't rush the process.
For guys supporting someone grieving: Show up. Say their name. Send that text. Your presence matters more than perfect words.
For everyone: Remember that grief creates unexpected communities and that sharing our pain often helps others carry theirs.
Jack's story proves that even in our darkest moments, we can create light for others. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply be human together.
If you're struggling with grief or need support, consider reaching out to a grief counselor or therapist. Resources like Anderson Cooper's "All There Is" podcast and local grief support groups can provide additional help and community.
Want more honest conversations about the challenges guys face? Subscribe to Guyset for weekly discussions about mental health, relationships, and navigating life's toughest moments.
Watch Jack's viral video here
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See you guys next Tuesday.
