#58 - Talking SH*t
Jul 9, 2024
How much do you let what other people think about you shape your opinion of yourself?
Does what you believe about yourself hold more weight than what everybody else thinks about you?
I take a second to land the plane in this one but stick with it. There’s a reason I made it.
This one is all about how badly sh*t talk can hurt someone’s self esteem and quickly lead to self doubt and how to avoid this.
The most important opinion is the one you have of yourself.
How to Stop Letting Other People's Opinions Control Your Life
When people talk behind your back, it can destroy your confidence - unless you know how to handle it the right way.
The Bar Incident That Started Everything
Last weekend, I witnessed something that inspired this entire post. A guy was talking to a girl at a bar - his interest was obvious, her desire to escape equally clear. After he walked away (probably to find his friends and nurse his wounded ego), she turned to her friends who were waiting with "bated breath" to hear every detail.
I couldn't hear what she said, but I could guess. And it got me thinking: what if that guy overheard? How would it affect his confidence the next time he tried to talk to someone?
I've been in his shoes. You probably have too.
The Corporate World Isn't Any Different
Here's a personal example that really stung: When I left my last job for a new position, I heard through the grapevine that someone said, "There's no way he'll be ready for that job" and "There's no way he'll be able to handle all that responsibility."
That hurt. It stuck with me. And that's exactly the problem with how we let other people's opinions affect us.
The Hard Truth About Human Nature
Let's be honest: everybody talks about everybody. It's what we do as humans. Your friends talk about you, your coworkers talk about you, you talk about others. Our founding fathers did it, our kids will do it. It's normal.
But here's the million-dollar question: If everyone has opinions about everyone, whose opinion actually matters?
The Wrong Way to Handle Criticism
When you let other people's opinions determine how you think about yourself, you end up in a mental maze with no exit:
Which opinion do you believe?
Who's right?
Which criticism weighs more than the praise?
How can you form any sense of self when you're constantly combining opposing viewpoints?
This approach leads to self-doubt, which quickly becomes self-deprecation, which can put you in a really dark place.
The Game-Changing Perspective
Here's what I've learned: The most important opinion is the one you have of yourself.
When I hold my opinion of myself to the highest standard - above everyone else's - that's when I:
Do my best work
Communicate better with friends and family
Walk taller and sleep better
Feel more confident and less anxious
Have genuine belief in myself
The Two-Response System
I'm not saying criticism won't affect you - we're human, of course it will. But here's the framework that changed everything for me:
The First Response (Uncontrollable)
When someone says something hurtful about you, your immediate reaction is natural and uncontrollable:
"That's mean"
"That's hurtful"
"Why would they say that?"
"F*ck you"
This first response is normal and okay.
The Second Response (Where You Have Power)
This is where you can take control:
"I don't believe that about myself"
"I know I can do this"
"They don't get to define me because they don't know me"
"I don't care what they say because I know who I am"
Your second response comes from the beliefs you've already developed about yourself.
Building Unshakeable Self-Belief
The key is developing concrete beliefs about yourself before criticism comes your way:
"I know I'll give my best effort"
"I know I'll work hard and get things done"
"I know I'll prove myself"
"I know I can handle challenges"
When these beliefs are already established, other people's opinions can't penetrate as deeply.
Why This Isn't Easy (And That's Okay)
I still think about what people say about me. I absolutely stumble with this all the time. Some criticisms have sharper teeth than others and take longer to get over.
This is a lifelong practice, not a one-time fix. People's opinions and criticism don't go away after your 20s, 30s, or 40s. But if you develop strong self-beliefs early, the practice gets easier over time.
The Practical Application
For the Guy at the Bar:
If he heard something negative, it could easily destroy his confidence with future interactions. But if he already knew "I'm a good person who deserves to find someone who appreciates me," the criticism would bounce off.
For My Job Situation:
Instead of letting doubt creep in, I focused on what I knew to be true: "I know I'll work hard, learn quickly, and prove myself capable."
The Bottom Line
Everybody is going to talk to some extent, but how much you let that affect you is up to you.
You can't control what people say about you, but you can control:
How much weight you give their opinions
How quickly you bounce back from criticism
Whether you let their words change your self-perception
Moving Forward
Start building your self-belief foundation now:
Identify your core strengths - What do you know to be true about yourself?
Document your wins - Keep track of times you've overcome challenges
Practice the two-response system - Catch yourself after that first emotional reaction
Prioritize your own opinion - Make your self-assessment the loudest voice in your head
Remember: Their opinion of you is not your reality. What you think about yourself is what truly matters.
Want to hear Josh's full thoughts on this topic? Listen to the complete episode on the Guy's Set podcast, available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts.
Struggling with letting criticism get to you? You're not alone. Share your experiences or strategies at josh@guyset.com. Building confidence is an ongoing journey, and sometimes we need reminders that other people's opinions don't define us.
For more honest conversations about self-confidence and dealing with life's challenges, follow @theguyset and check out guyset.com.
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