If you ask ten people to define modern dating, you'll probably get ten different answers.

Some people think you're exclusive after a few dates.

Others believe exclusivity only starts after you've had a conversation.

Some people think becoming boyfriend and girlfriend happens naturally.

Others think someone should always ask.

That's part of what makes dating today feel so confusing.

It's not that we've forgotten how relationships work.

It's that we've created more stages than ever before, and nobody seems to agree on where one ends and the next begins.

I don't think the labels themselves are the problem.

The problem is when two people are using the same label to describe completely different relationships.

That's why understanding each stage matters.

Every stage has a different purpose. Every stage asks a different question. And every stage prepares you for the one that comes next.

Stage One: The First Date

Every relationship starts the same way.

Two people decide to spend time together.

That's all a first date is.

It's not a commitment.

It's not an audition for marriage.

It's simply an opportunity to find out whether you'd enjoy seeing each other again.

I think people put too much pressure on first dates because they're trying to answer questions that don't belong there.

"Could I spend the rest of my life with this person?"

You don't need to know that yet.

The only question that matters is much simpler.

Do I want a second date?

If the answer is yes, the date was successful.

It doesn't matter whether the conversation was perfect or whether there were a few awkward moments along the way.

The goal wasn't perfection.

It was curiosity.

Stage Two: Early Dating

Once you've gone on a few dates, the relationship enters what I think is one of the most important stages.

Early dating.

This is where you stop evaluating individual dates and start evaluating the relationship itself.

You're learning how the other person communicates.

You're seeing whether they follow through on plans.

You're figuring out whether you enjoy spending time together outside of the excitement that naturally comes with meeting someone new.

This is also the stage where many people are still dating multiple people.

That's okay.

Early dating isn't about commitment.

It's about discovery.

Research from the Pew Research Center has found that online dating has expanded the number of ways people meet romantic partners, making this exploratory stage a much more common part of modern relationships than it was for previous generations.

What matters most isn't whether you're dating multiple people.

It's whether you're being honest about where you are.

If you're wondering how to approach this stage, Can You Date Multiple People at Once? explores why many people do, when it makes sense, and how to know when it's time to focus on one relationship.

Stage Three: The Situationship

This is probably the stage that gets the most attention today.

A situationship is what happens when two people continue building a relationship without ever clearly defining what it is.

You're spending time together.

You're texting consistently.

You're making plans.

Maybe you've even met each other's friends.

But if someone asked what your relationship actually is, neither of you would know exactly how to answer.

I don't think situationships are automatically unhealthy.

In fact, almost every relationship begins with some uncertainty.

The problem isn't entering the gray area.

The problem is staying there.

One of the things I said in the podcast was:

"A situationship should be a bridge... not a destination."

I still think that's true.

This stage exists so two people can decide whether the relationship has the potential to become something more.

If that's where you are right now, How Soon Is Too Soon To Ask Someone Out After Texting? explains why this stage exists, why people get stuck in it, and how to know when it's time for the relationship to move forward.

Stage Four: Exclusivity

Eventually, something begins to change.

You stop wondering who else you could date and start thinking much more about the person you're already seeing. You aren't checking the dating apps as often, and when someone new shows interest, you realize you'd rather continue building the relationship that's already in front of you.

That's usually when exclusivity starts making sense.

Exclusivity simply means two people have agreed to stop dating other people and focus on each other. It isn't the same thing as becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, and it isn't a promise that you'll be together forever.

It's a decision.

You're deciding that this relationship deserves your full attention.

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is that exclusivity just happens naturally after enough time has passed.

I don't think it does.

Exclusivity isn't something you assume because you've been seeing each other for a while. It's something you choose together through an honest conversation. Until you've had that conversation, it's entirely possible that each person has a different understanding of where the relationship stands.

That's why So, What Are We? A Guide to Situationships, Exclusivity, and Relationships is a conversation every couple eventually needs to have. The goal isn't to force the relationship to move faster. It's to make sure you're both building the same relationship.

Stage Five: Defining the Relationship

Once you've become exclusive, another conversation eventually follows.

This one isn't about whether you're dating other people anymore.

It's about deciding what this relationship actually is.

For a lot of people, this is the infamous "what are we?" conversation. I understand why it feels intimidating, but I think we sometimes give it more power than it deserves.

You're not trying to convince someone to like you.

You're not asking them to make a decision they haven't been thinking about already.

You're simply comparing notes.

One of my favorite lines from the podcast was:

"Everything they say from there will tell you everything you need to know."

That's exactly what this conversation does.

It replaces weeks or months of guessing with clarity.

Instead of wondering whether you're on the same page, you finally find out.

Healthy relationships aren't built because two people magically know what the other person is thinking. They're built because two people are willing to have conversations that make assumptions unnecessary.

If you've been avoiding that conversation, How Do You Know If You're Ready for a Relationship? (And 4 Other Questions Guys Are Asking) walks through how to approach it naturally without making it feel like an ultimatum.

Stage Six: Becoming Boyfriend and Girlfriend

For some couples, defining the relationship and becoming boyfriend and girlfriend happen during the same conversation.

For others, they happen separately.

Either approach is completely fine.

Personally, I still think asking someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend matters.

Not because it's old-fashioned.

Because it's intentional.

One of the things I said during the podcast series was:

"To be officially dating, to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you do have to ask."

I still believe that.

I don't think it needs to be an elaborate surprise or a perfectly planned moment. It can happen during a walk, after dinner, or while you're sitting together talking.

The location isn't what people remember.

The conversation is.

Asking someone to be your girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't suddenly create a relationship that didn't exist before. It simply gives a name to something you've already been building together.

If you're wondering whether you've reached that point, How Do You Know When It’s the Right Time to Ask Her Out? explains why the relationship itself matters far more than the number of weeks or months you've been dating.

The Most Important Stage Isn't Actually a Stage

I think people spend so much time trying to figure out what stage they're in that they forget what all of these stages are trying to accomplish.

They're helping two people build a healthy relationship.

That's the goal.

Not exclusivity.

Not a label.

Not becoming boyfriend and girlfriend.

A healthy relationship.

Research from the Gottman Institute has consistently shown that long-term relationships are built on communication, trust, friendship, and mutual respect. Those qualities don't suddenly appear after one conversation. They develop gradually as two people continue choosing each other over time.

That's why I think every stage has a purpose.

The first date introduces you.

Early dating helps you discover compatibility.

A situationship helps you decide whether the relationship has long-term potential.

Exclusivity allows you to focus on one person.

Defining the relationship creates clarity.

Becoming boyfriend and girlfriend confirms the commitment you've already started making.

Each stage prepares you for the next one.

Here's the Thing

Modern dating has created more labels than ever before.

Honestly, probably too many.

But I don't think the labels are what matter most.

The conversations do.

Every healthy relationship follows its own timeline, but they all have one thing in common. Two people continue learning about each other, communicating honestly, and making intentional decisions about where the relationship is going.

That's why I don't think you should worry about whether you're moving faster or slower than everyone else.

Focus on making your current stage healthy.

If you're still getting to know each other, be curious.

If you're ready for exclusivity, talk about it.

If you're ready to define the relationship, don't keep guessing.

Healthy relationships aren't built by perfectly following a timeline.

They're built by two people who are willing to keep choosing honesty over assumptions.

FAQs

What are the stages of modern dating?

Most relationships move through the same general progression: first dates, early dating, situationships or undefined dating, exclusivity, defining the relationship, and finally becoming committed partners. Every couple moves at their own pace, but these stages help explain how relationships naturally develop.

Is a situationship a normal stage of dating?

Yes. Many healthy relationships begin with a period of uncertainty while two people are getting to know each other. The important thing is that the relationship continues moving toward greater clarity instead of staying undefined indefinitely.

Is exclusivity the same as being in a relationship?

Not necessarily. Exclusivity means you've agreed to stop dating other people. A relationship usually involves another conversation where both people intentionally define their commitment to each other.

Do you have to ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend?

There isn't a universal rule, but I think having that conversation creates clarity and makes the relationship feel intentional rather than assumed.

Which stage of dating is the most important?

Every stage serves a different purpose, but the conversations between the stages matter the most. Healthy relationships grow because two people communicate honestly and continue making intentional choices together.