If you asked our parents how relationships started, the answer was usually pretty simple. You met someone, you went on a few dates, and if things went well, you kept dating. Eventually, you became boyfriend and girlfriend.

Today, it feels like we've created an entirely new language.

You're talking. You're hanging out. You're seeing each other. You're in a situationship. You're exclusive. You're basically together. You're officially together.

Somewhere along the way, dating stopped being straightforward. Instead of making relationships easier to understand, we've created more labels, more gray areas, and more opportunities to wonder where we actually stand.

I don't think the labels themselves are the problem.

I think the problem is that two people can use the exact same label while meaning two completely different things. One person thinks the relationship is casual while the other thinks it's becoming serious. One person is still dating other people while the other quietly stopped because they only want to see one person.

As I said in the podcast:

"One person thinks it's casual. One person thinks it's serious. One person is seeing lots of other people at the same time. One person is seeing nobody else."

That might be the best explanation of modern dating I've ever found.

The confusion usually isn't about chemistry. It's about communication. Two people can genuinely like each other and still have completely different ideas about where the relationship stands simply because they've never talked about it.

Dating Isn't More Complicated. We've Just Made It More Complicated.

One of the biggest realizations I've had is that relationships themselves haven't changed very much. People still want connection, trust, consistency, and someone they're excited to spend time with. Those things haven't changed in generations.

What has changed is everything that happens between meeting someone and calling them your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Dating apps have expanded the number of people we can meet. Social media has given us endless opinions about how relationships are supposed to work. Every few months it feels like a new dating term appears online, and suddenly everyone is trying to figure out whether they're in one too.

Research from the Pew Research Center has shown that online dating has fundamentally changed how people meet romantic partners, creating more opportunities to connect while also introducing new questions around commitment and expectations.

I don't think technology created the confusion.

I think it magnified it.

The First Stage Is Simpler Than We Make It

For all the new terminology we've created, every relationship still starts the same way. You meet someone, you spend time together, and you decide whether you'd like to see them again.

That's really all a first date is supposed to accomplish.

The goal isn't to figure out whether you've met the person you'll marry. It's simply to answer one question: Do I want a second date?

If the answer is yes, you've accomplished exactly what the first date was supposed to accomplish.

As those dates continue, something starts to change. You're no longer evaluating individual dates. You're starting to evaluate the relationship itself. You notice how they communicate, whether they follow through on plans, and whether you enjoy who you are when you're around them.

This is also the stage where many people are still dating multiple people, and I don't think that's automatically a problem. You're still discovering who you connect with, who shares your values, and who makes you excited to plan another date.

That's why How Soon Is Too Soon To Ask Someone Out After Texting? isn't really a question about right or wrong. It's a question about honesty, expectations, and knowing when it's time to focus on one relationship.

Then Comes the Gray Area

This is the stage almost everyone talks about.

The situationship.

I actually don't think situationships are automatically unhealthy. Almost every relationship begins with uncertainty because you're still getting to know each other. The problem isn't entering the gray area.

The problem is staying there.

A situationship is simply a relationship that hasn't been clearly defined yet. You're going on dates, texting every day, making plans together, and maybe you've even met each other's friends. But if someone asked what your relationship actually is, neither of you would know exactly how to answer.

That's where confusion begins.

Not because either person has done something wrong.

Because neither person has talked about it yet.

One of my favorite lines from the episode was:

"A situationship should be a bridge... not a destination."

I think that's exactly what this stage is for. It's a bridge between meeting someone and deciding whether this relationship deserves something more.

If you find yourself stuck there, What Should You Do Right After A First Date? go much deeper into why this stage exists and how to know when it's time to move forward.

Then Comes Exclusivity

Eventually, something starts to change.

You stop wondering who else you could date and start thinking much more about the person you're already seeing. Maybe you're still getting asked out. Maybe you're still getting matches on dating apps. But without really noticing it, you stop caring about those opportunities because you're excited about the one relationship that's already in front of you.

I think that's when exclusivity starts to make sense.

A lot of people think exclusivity is another confusing dating label, but I actually think it's one of the simplest ones. Exclusivity is just two people deciding they're no longer interested in dating anyone else. You're choosing to focus your attention on one relationship and seeing where it can go.

The confusion usually comes from how people get there.

Some couples have a direct conversation and decide they're exclusive. Others slowly stop seeing other people without ever actually saying the word. That's where assumptions can creep in, because one person may think you're exclusive while the other still believes you're casually dating.

One of the biggest takeaways from this entire episode was that assumptions rarely create clarity.

Conversations do.

When you've reached the point where you're excited to invest in one relationship, it's worth saying something. It doesn't have to be an elaborate speech or a perfectly planned conversation. Sometimes it's as simple as telling the other person how you feel.

One of the things I said in the episode was:

"Hey, I really like you, I love spending time with you, I'm not seeing anybody else right now."

I actually think that's one of the healthiest ways to bring up exclusivity.

You're not demanding an answer.

You're not asking them to make a decision on the spot.

You're simply letting them into your thoughts and giving them the opportunity to tell you where they are too.

That's why How Do You Know If Someone Is Actually Interested In You? is really a conversation about communication, not timing. There isn't a perfect number of dates or a universal timeline. There are simply two people deciding they're ready to stop exploring other options and start intentionally building something together.

Defining the Relationship

Eventually, every healthy relationship reaches another conversation.

Not because the internet says you should have it.

Because uncertainty eventually becomes more exhausting than honesty.

This is the conversation people usually call "What are we?"

Personally, I think we give that conversation far too much power. We imagine it's going to change everything overnight, when in reality it's often just confirming what both people have already been feeling.

One of my favorite moments from the episode came when I said:

"Everything they say from there will tell you everything you need to know."

I think that's exactly why people avoid the conversation.

Not because they don't know what to say.

Because they're afraid of the answer.

As long as you never ask, every possibility still exists. The relationship could become something amazing. Maybe they're feeling exactly the way you are. Maybe they're just waiting for you to bring it up first.

The conversation replaces possibility with clarity.

Sometimes that clarity is exciting.

Sometimes it's disappointing.

Either way, it's always better than continuing to build a relationship based on assumptions.

Research from the Gottman Institute has consistently shown that healthy relationships are built on open communication and shared understanding. The strongest couples aren't the ones who magically know what the other person is thinking. They're the ones who are willing to ask.

Becoming Boyfriend and Girlfriend

For some couples, defining the relationship and becoming boyfriend and girlfriend happen during the same conversation.

For others, they happen weeks later.

Either approach is completely normal.

I still think asking someone to be your girlfriend or boyfriend matters. Not because it's old-fashioned, but because it's intentional. It's one moment where both people stop assuming they're building the same relationship and actually choose it together.

As I said in the podcast:

"To be officially dating, to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you do have to ask."

I don't think that question has to happen during a perfectly planned date or some elaborate surprise. It can happen after dinner, during a walk, or while you're sitting on the couch together.

The setting isn't what people remember.

The decision is.

The label itself doesn't change the relationship overnight. It simply gives a name to something you've already been building together.

If you're wondering when you've reached that point, The Best Relationship Lessons From Off Campus? explores why the relationship itself matters much more than the number of weeks or months you've been dating.

Here's the Thing

I think we've become obsessed with trying to figure out what stage we're in.

Are we talking?

Are we dating?

Are we in a situationship?

Are we exclusive?

Are we officially together?

The truth is, none of those labels matter nearly as much as the conversations between them.

Healthy relationships aren't built because two people perfectly follow a dating timeline. They're built because two people continue communicating honestly as the relationship grows.

That's really what every stage is trying to accomplish.

The first dates help you discover whether there's a connection.

The situationship helps you decide whether there's long-term potential.

Exclusivity allows you to focus on one relationship.

Defining the relationship replaces uncertainty with clarity.

Becoming boyfriend and girlfriend confirms the commitment you've already started making.

If there's one lesson I've learned from dating, it's that modern dating doesn't need more labels.

It needs more conversations.

Because every healthy relationship I've seen has one thing in common.

Two people stopped trying to read each other's minds and started telling each other the truth.

FAQs

What does "what are we?" actually mean?

It's a conversation about defining the relationship and making sure both people have the same expectations about where things are going.

What's the difference between a situationship and exclusivity?

A situationship is an undefined relationship, while exclusivity means both people have decided to stop dating other people and focus on each other.

When should you become exclusive?

There's no perfect timeline. Exclusivity should happen when both people naturally want to stop seeing other people and intentionally build one relationship.

Do you have to ask someone to be your girlfriend?

I think you should. It creates clarity, confirms the relationship, and gives both people a shared understanding of what you're building together.

What's the biggest mistake people make in modern dating?

Replacing conversations with assumptions. The healthiest relationships aren't built by people who always know what the other person is thinking. They're built by people who are willing to talk.