Every guy knows the feeling of chasing someone who does not match your energy. You send the first message. You follow up. You try to keep the conversation alive. You create momentum for two. And somewhere in the middle of it, you start feeling like the only one who cares.

That moment is one of the biggest confidence killers in dating. I’ve talked about this dynamic before in What Should I Do If She Stops Responding? because chasing almost always starts when effort becomes uneven.

Here is the truth:

You stop chasing the moment you stop confusing attention with interest and start paying attention to effort.

Chasing happens when you ignore the signs.
Confidence comes back when you start noticing them.

If you are also struggling with slow replies, read How Long Should I Wait For Someone To Text Me Back? next.

Notice When You Feel Pressure

Chasing does not start with a message.
It starts with a feeling.

You know you are chasing when you start:

making excuses for someone
waiting all day for a reply
checking your phone constantly
trying to keep something alive on your own

And here is the truth no one likes to admit:

“If you feel like you are having to put pressure on something maybe this person is not the one.”

If it were mutual, it would feel easy.
If it feels like work, it is not mutual.

Relationship psychologists often describe pressure as a signal of imbalance. Psychology Today has written about how anxiety increases when effort is uneven in early dating Psychology Today on effort imbalance.

Look At Their Effort, Not Your Hope

When you want something to work, you start reading between the lines.
But effort never hides.

The clearest filter you will ever have is this:

“If somebody wants to see you, they will make it happen.”

Not almost.
Not eventually.
Not someday.

They will make it happen.

Dating researchers consistently emphasize behavior over intent. The Gottman Institute points out that consistency and follow-through matter far more than verbal interest Gottman Institute on consistency and effort.

If someone’s effort is unpredictable, their interest is unpredictable.
Trying harder will not fix that.

“If somebody wants to see you, they will make it happen.”

Match Energy, Not Fantasy

When you like someone, you imagine the potential.
But potential is not effort.

Here is the grounding truth:

“You deserve the attention back that you are putting into it.”

If your energy is not met, it is not a match.
If you feel yourself over-functioning, that is the answer.

Stop matching the version of them in your head.
Match the version of them in your phone.

If you struggle with staying grounded instead of idealizing, this connects closely to How Do I Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Put In Effort?

Don’t Fill the Silence

The moment you try to repair someone else’s silence is the moment you start chasing.

They go quiet and you lean in.
They stop trying and you try harder.

But silence is not your responsibility.
Silence is information.

If they want to talk, they will talk.
If they want to know you, they will know you.

Behavioral researchers often describe silence as data, not rejection. Harvard Business Review has written about how pulling back restores clarity in imbalanced dynamics Harvard Business Review on boundaries and clarity.

Do not rescue the conversation.
Do not patch the gap.
Do not keep proving you care.

Your effort is meant to be matched, not drained.

Get Out of Your Head and Back Into Your Life

Chasing happens when your attention collapses onto one person.

Your world shrinks.
Your confidence slips.
Your thoughts spiral.

And the line that always resets me is this:

“We can really drive ourselves crazy like that. Get out of your head and into the world.”

The more you live, the less you chase.
The busier your life is, the less space there is for anxious waiting.

Fill your world.
Move your body.
See your friends.
Focus on yourself.

Chasing stops when your life gets bigger again.

“We can really drive ourselves crazy like that. Get out of your head and into the world.”

If overthinking keeps pulling you back in, read How To Stop Overthinking Everything.

Hold Space For People Who Hold Space For You

Mutual effort feels steady.
Chasing feels chaotic.

Here is the simple truth:

Stop walking toward the people who are walking away from you.
Start noticing the people who walk toward you.

Effort is attraction.
Effort is clarity.
Effort is the only thing that matters.

If their effort does not meet yours, pull back.
Not to manipulate them — but to protect your energy.

If you want help understanding silence more clearly, read How Do I Act More Confident?

FAQ

How do I stop chasing someone I really like
Shift from liking them to liking effort. Interest without effort is not interest.

What if they say they like me but show low effort
Believe behavior, not promises.

How do I know if I am chasing
If you feel pressure, confusion, or overthinking, you are chasing.

Should I pull back when they pull back
Match the energy you receive. Not the fantasy you created.

What if they come back later
Be polite, be calm, but move slowly. Consistency matters more than comebacks.