Borrowed Confidence Is Real (And It Might Be the Thing You’re Missing)

There was a long stretch of my life where I kept looking at other people and thinking the same thing.

How are they that confident?

Not loud confidence. Not fake confidence. Real, grounded confidence. The kind that shows up in meetings, on dates, in interviews, in rooms where decisions get made.

I used to think confidence was something you were either born with or not. That some people just had it, and the rest of us were left trying to fake our way through.

But then I realized something that changed everything.

Confidence can be borrowed.

And if you borrow it long enough, it becomes yours.

The Lie We’re Told About Confidence

Most advice around confidence makes it sound mystical. Like you need to unlock it or wait until you finally feel ready.

But confidence almost never comes after clarity.
It shows up during action.

I never had natural confidence. Not at work. Not socially. Not in dating. And I know I’m not alone in that.

What I did have was awareness. I knew when I felt small. I knew when I was shrinking myself. And I knew who I admired.

That’s where borrowed confidence starts.

This idea lines up closely with what psychologists call behavioral activation, a concept discussed by the American Psychological Association, which shows that action often precedes belief, not the other way around.

You act confident first.
Your brain catches up later.

Watching Instead of Wishing

The first place I really learned this was at work.

I had a boss who walked into meetings differently than anyone I’d seen before. She didn’t rush. She didn’t over-explain. She didn’t fight for attention.

She waited.
She listened.
She spoke when it mattered.

So I stopped wishing I felt confident like her and started watching what she actually did.

How she sat.
How she paused before responding.
How she let silence work for her.
How she didn’t apologize for taking up space.

Then I tried it.

Not naturally. Not perfectly. Just intentionally.

And something wild happened.

I felt more confident immediately.

Not because I suddenly believed in myself, but because I was acting like someone who did.

That confidence wasn’t mine yet.
I borrowed it.

Borrowing Is Not Pretending

This is where people get it wrong.

Borrowing confidence is not lying about who you are.
It’s not copying someone’s personality.
It’s not becoming someone else.

It’s testing behaviors that already work.

You are allowed to try on traits the same way you try on clothes.
If it fits, keep it.
If it doesn’t, take it off.

This is the same principle behind How To Act Confident When You Don’t Feel It, because confidence grows through repetition, not revelation.

Dating Is the Easiest Place to See This

You’ve probably had this moment.

You’re out somewhere. You see someone you want to talk to. You hesitate. Meanwhile, another guy walks up calmly and starts a conversation.

And your brain goes, how did he do that?

Here’s the truth.

He didn’t invent confidence.
He borrowed it from reps.

Watch how he walks up.
Watch his posture.
Watch his tone.
Watch how little he overthinks it.

Then try it yourself.

Not because you suddenly feel confident, but because you are willing to act like someone who is.

Five minutes later, you feel different.

That’s borrowed confidence turning into momentum.

If dating nerves are where this shows up most for you, High Expectations, Loosely Held connects directly to this mindset shift.

How Borrowed Confidence Becomes Yours

The same thing happened with content, with this podcast, with posting publicly.

I didn’t start confident.
I watched people who were consistent.
I borrowed their structure.
I borrowed their mindset around showing up before feeling ready.

At first, it felt borrowed.

Now, it’s just how I operate.

That’s the pattern.

Borrow.
Practice.
Repeat.
Own.

Research shared by Harvard Business Review supports this exact idea. Confidence is often the byproduct of repeated behavior, not inner certainty. You build belief by surviving the action.

Even Big Moments Work This Way

Before one of my first major interview opportunities, I was nervous enough to talk myself out of it.

So instead of spiraling, I focused on how people I respected handled pressure. Not the words they used, but their energy. Their pace. Their presence.

I borrowed that.

I walked in differently.
I spoke differently.
I showed up differently.

Halfway through, I realized something.

This confidence feels familiar now.

That’s the moment borrowed confidence becomes real confidence.

How To Use This Today

Pick one person you admire.

Just one.

Ask yourself:

How do they carry themselves?
How do they speak?
How do they handle pressure?
How do they move through discomfort?

Then borrow one behavior.

Not ten.
One.

Try it today.

Confidence is not built by waiting until you feel ready.
It’s built by acting like the version of yourself you’re becoming.

If you need a starting point, How to Build Confidence from Scratch breaks this process down step by step.

The Truth No One Says Out Loud

You don’t need to find confidence.

You need to practice it borrowed until it sticks.

And one day, without realizing it, you’ll stop borrowing.

You’ll just be confident.

And someone else will be watching you, wondering how you got there.

FAQ: Borrowed Confidence

What is borrowed confidence?
Borrowed confidence is practicing the behaviors of someone confident until they become natural to you.

Is borrowed confidence fake?
No. You’re learning a skill, not pretending to be someone else.

Who should I borrow confidence from?
One person you genuinely respect. Watch how they carry themselves, not what they say.

How long does it take to feel real?
Faster than you think. Repetition turns borrowed behavior into real confidence.

What if it feels uncomfortable?
That’s normal. Discomfort means you’re building confidence, not failing.