At some point, this thought shows up quietly.

You’re scrolling. You’re catching up with friends. You’re looking around at people your age. And without really deciding to, you land on the same conclusion.

Everyone else seems to have it figured out.

Not in a dramatic way. Just enough to make you question yourself.

That’s exactly where this episode started.

“Is there such a thing as being behind in life? Can you actually be behind? Is that really a thing?”

If this feeling sounds familiar, it usually connects to the same uncertainty explored in Is There Such a Thing as Being Behind in Life, where confusion shows up not because something is wrong, but because things are undefined.

What “having it figured out” looks like from the outside

Most of what convinces you that other people have it figured out has nothing to do with certainty.

It has everything to do with visibility.

You see the promotion.
The relationship.
The move.
The apartment.
The next step.

And then your brain fills in the blanks.

“Maybe people are doing better things than you or they’re advancing more than you or faster than you or quicker than you or stronger than you and they’re getting better positions or raises or moves or relationships.”

From the outside, progress looks clean. From the inside, it almost never is.

Research from Harvard Business Review has shown that people consistently overestimate how confident and certain others feel, especially when judging success based on external milestones rather than internal experience.

Why comparison sticks so hard

Once that comparison takes hold, it doesn’t just pass through.

“Once comparison creeps in, it really takes a very strong hold on you and it kind of grips onto you and it’s hard to let go of because it doesn’t want to let go.”

That’s why this feeling doesn’t go away just because you tell yourself to stop overthinking.

It becomes emotional before it ever feels logical.

Psychologists studying social comparison have found that upward comparison, especially on social platforms, increases feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, something extensively documented by the American Psychological Association.

This is also why pieces like Modern Dating Has No Clear Rules resonate so strongly. The uncertainty isn’t personal. It’s structural.

The part you’re not seeing in other people’s lives

Here’s the piece that changes everything once you notice it.

“If you zoomed out, like way, way out from all of this, you’d probably be able to see that you’re doing very similar things to everybody else.”

Most people’s lives look incredibly ordinary up close.

You stay up later than you wanted to.
You scroll longer than you meant to.
You wake up tired.
You go to work.
You go home.
You repeat it.

“That’s probably a very similar existence to what everybody else is existing in.”

That sameness just doesn’t show up in photos or captions.

Why milestones don’t mean clarity

One of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming milestones equal answers.

A new job does not mean someone feels secure.
A relationship does not mean someone feels settled.
A move does not mean someone feels confident.

“And no one’s really ahead. We’re all just kind of trying our best.”

Often, milestones just replace one set of questions with another.

Research summarized by The Atlantic shows that major life achievements often provide only temporary reassurance before uncertainty returns, especially in your 20s and early 30s.

Timing does more work than we admit

A lot of what looks like having it figured out is just timing.

Some people are in the middle of a change.
Some just finished one.
Some are about to start one.

“What’s different in all of these is the moment of change.”

That moment eventually fades into routine again. And once it does, their life won’t look so different from yours.

This same idea shows up in Is It Normal to Not Know What I Want to Do in My 20s where clarity is framed as seasonal, not permanent.

Why you personalize the comparison

You don’t compare yourself to everyone.

You compare yourself to people your age.
Your friends.
People you relate to.

Which is why every difference feels like a verdict.

But what you’re actually doing is comparing your internal uncertainty to their external progress.

That comparison will always feel lopsided.

The puzzle everyone is building differently

This is where the illusion really falls apart.

“You’re just putting together the pieces of your puzzle differently than the next person would.”

Some people start with the edges.
Some people start in the middle.
Some people don’t even know where to begin yet.

“When you’re making a puzzle, everybody starts in a different place.”

Looking at someone else’s puzzle and wondering why yours doesn’t look complete misses the point.

It’s not supposed to yet.

The tightrope you think you’re losing balance on

There’s another image that explains this perfectly.

“You’re walking on a tightrope next to everybody else’s tightrope.”

Some people are moving faster.
Some are moving slower.
Some have fallen.
Some stopped.
Some look confident.

The mistake is thinking there’s only one rope.

“There is no singular timeline in which you are supposed to follow.”

Everyone is on their own.

The part you’re forgetting about yourself

While you’re busy looking forward and sideways, you’re missing something important.

“There are people behind you looking at you thinking, how did he get there?”

Someone could look at your life and assume you have it figured out too.

They’d be wrong.

But that’s exactly the same mistake you’re making about everyone else.

A better question to ask

Instead of asking why everyone else has it figured out, ask this:

What am I expecting my life to look like right now?

Most frustration comes from comparing your reality to an imagined version of where you think you should be.

That imagined version usually comes from other people’s visible moments, not your actual values, a theme that also shows up in What To Do When You Feel Stuck.

So why does everyone else seem to have it figured out?

Because you’re seeing their progress without their process.

Once you account for that, the illusion starts to crack.

“There is no behind. There are only different chapters and different moments of change.”

Most people are doing the best they can with what they know, just like you.

Some are just better at hiding the uncertainty.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does it feel like everyone else has life figured out except me?

Because you’re seeing other people’s visible progress without their internal uncertainty. You’re comparing your private doubts to their public milestones, which makes the gap feel bigger than it actually is.

Do most people actually know what they’re doing?

No. Most people are figuring things out in real time. Some are just in a season where one area of their life feels more stable or put together, which can look like certainty from the outside.

Why does comparison feel so intense in your 20s?

Because structure disappears after college and everyone’s path starts to look different. Without a shared timeline, it becomes easier to measure yourself against others instead of against your own values.

Does having a job or relationship mean someone has it figured out?

Not necessarily. Milestones don’t equal clarity. A new job, relationship, or move often comes with just as many questions as the stage before it.

How do I stop feeling like I’m falling behind other people?

Start separating progress from visibility. Focus on what you’re building and learning, not what others are posting or announcing. Feeling uncertain usually means you’re in the middle of growth, not failing.