The Real Reason Roommate Situations Fail (And How to Fix It)

After three years of living with my roommate Reid in a West Village apartment, I’ve realized something surprising. Roommate success isn’t about spotless kitchens or chore charts. It’s about communication, especially around guests.

"I think you're clean because I'm messy," Reid joked when I asked about our dynamic. "Are we both messy? I think you're clean because I'm messy."

We’re both pretty messy. Our third roommate, Jordan, is too. But somehow, it works.

And the reason it works has nothing to do with cleaning. It’s because we mastered the guest communication rule.

The Guest Communication Game-Changer

"Something you and Jordan both do really well is that you guys tell me that people are coming over," Reid said. "Your friends are coming over... His brother’s staying on the couch. I don’t care as long as you guys just tell me."

That’s the secret. Most roommate problems don’t come from what happens. They come from not knowing it’s going to happen.

A heads up solves 90% of roommate drama.

When people crash unannounced or show up unexpectedly, it’s not the visit that’s annoying. It’s the surprise. Everyone just wants to feel respected in their own space.

If you’ve struggled with that same tension, read How Living Alone After College Changes You. It explains why communication gets harder but more important as you get older.

Why This Matters More Than Cleanliness

Reid and I have totally different standards of “clean.” Neither of us is spotless. But we’ve never had a real fight about guests.

He knows when my friends are staying over. I know when his girlfriend visits. Jordan always gives us notice when his brother crashes on the couch.

That one habit creates a respectful, low-drama environment, even in a chaotic apartment.

Cleanliness matters less than respect. Communication is what actually makes people good roommates.

The Three-Year Conflict Pattern

Reid noticed something funny about our house dynamic:

"Clear answer so I fight with Josh, Jordan fights with Josh, Reid and Jordan do not fight. Sometimes it is Reid and Jordan versus Josh."

He’s right. In three years, those two have never had a serious argument. But both of them have definitely been annoyed with me.

Still, our conflicts never turn into blowups because we talk about small stuff early. When communication works, tension never builds.

That’s something I’ve learned applies to more than roommates. Check out The One-Hour Rule for Bad Dates. It’s about handling small social discomforts before they become disasters.

What Actually Causes Roommate Drama

Reid’s advice for new roommates was simple:

"My advice would be to just clean up after yourself. If you see the trash is full, go and take it out. Same with the recycling. If the kitchen table is dirty, it takes just a minute to clean."

It’s not about being neat. It’s about being considerate.

You don’t need to have matching habits. You just need to avoid creating extra work for someone else. That’s the real definition of a good roommate.

As I said on the show: "Dishwasher. Take them out if they’re clean. Same with the sink, same with pans."

Little things add up fast.

Communication vs. Cleanliness

Most people focus on cleaning compatibility when they should be focusing on communication compatibility.

Reid and I work not because we’re equally tidy but because we’re consistent about communication.

"Little things are noticed by everybody," Reid said. And he’s right. The little things that matter most are about respect, not hygiene.

If this hits home, read How to Build Your Inner Circle. It’s about the same principle: real connection comes from showing up intentionally.

The Real Roommate Success Formula

After three years together, here’s what actually works:

1. Communicate about guests. Always give a heads up when people are coming over or staying the night.

2. Share responsibility for common areas. If something needs to be done, do it. Don’t wait.

3. Respect different standards. You don’t have to be equally neat, just respectful of each other’s space.

4. Handle issues early. Small annoyances grow when you ignore them. Talk them out before they become real fights.

5. Build positive moments. As Reid said, "I wish we cooked together more... doing stuff like that would’ve been super fun."

Good roommates aren’t just people who avoid conflict. They create moments that make living together enjoyable.

The Bottom Line

Roommate success isn’t about how often you vacuum. It’s about communication, respect, and effort.

After three years, Reid and I are moving out still on good terms, maybe even better friends than when we started.

That’s the real sign you got it right.

For more real-life lessons on living with people, navigating friendships, and building better habits, listen to Reid’s full episode on the Guyset Podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts.