One of the strangest things about starting a job is realizing that you don't get to choose the people you spend most of your week with.

You can choose your friends. You can choose who you date. You can decide who you want to spend your weekends with.

Then you get a job and suddenly you're sitting next to the same people for eight hours a day, five days a week.

And you're not going to like all of them.

More importantly, not all of them are going to like you.

I think that's something we need to get more comfortable with at work. You can be nice, respectful, professional, and good at your job and still have a coworker who annoys you, competes with you, disagrees with you, or seemingly has some sort of problem with you.

That doesn't automatically mean you're doing something wrong.

The question is what you do about it.

Accept That Not Everyone at Work Will Like You

One piece of career advice I found online basically said that at some point, you'll become enemies with an older coworker for no reason.

I laughed when I saw it because I've seen versions of that happen.

Not necessarily the older coworker part. Difficult workplace relationships can happen between anyone.

But the larger idea is real.

“Not every coworker is your friend, is your best friend. And you're not really always there to make friends.”

There are so many reasons two people might not get along at work.

Maybe you have completely different personalities. Maybe you work differently. Maybe they don't like the way you communicate. Maybe you suggested changing a process they've been using for years. Maybe you're competing for the same opportunity.

Maybe you did absolutely nothing.

You should always be willing to look at your own behavior and ask whether you're contributing to the problem. But you also have to accept that you cannot control everyone's opinion of you.

Trying to make every person in your office love you is exhausting.

Focus on being somebody people can work with.

Don't Immediately Turn Workplace Conflict Into Something Personal

This is where things can get complicated.

A coworker disagrees with your idea in a meeting.

They criticize something you worked on.

They send an email that feels a little passive-aggressive.

Immediately, you're thinking: What the fuck is their problem with me?

Maybe they do have a problem with you.

But maybe they don't.

One of the most useful things you can learn early in your career is to separate professional disagreement from personal conflict.

Someone can think your idea is bad without thinking you're bad.

Someone can correct your work without disrespecting you.

Someone can disagree with how you want to approach a project without secretly hating you.

Before turning something into a larger conflict, ask yourself what actually happened.

Respond to that.

Not the entire story you've built around it in your head.

Sometimes People Feel Threatened by Change

One of the workplace dynamics I've noticed is that people can get particularly defensive when somebody new comes in and starts changing things.

You might suggest a different process.

You might introduce an idea nobody has tried.

You might start doing something in a way that gets attention from your boss.

Suddenly, somebody who's been there much longer than you isn't thrilled.

That doesn't necessarily mean you should stop.

“There might be things that you do that piss people off or make people annoyed, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.”

This is where I think you have to find the balance between confidence and awareness.

Don't walk into a company on day three acting like everyone who's been there for ten years is an idiot.

Learn why things are done the way they're done first.

Ask questions.

Understand the history.

Then, if you genuinely think something could be better, suggest it respectfully.

If somebody still doesn't like it, that's okay.

You don't have to make yourself smaller just to make every coworker comfortable.

Be Professional Even When They Aren't

This is probably the most important rule.

Don't let somebody else's behavior determine yours.

If someone is passive-aggressive, you don't need to become passive-aggressive.

If someone sends you a rude email, you don't have to send an even ruder one back.

If someone is constantly gossiping about another coworker, maybe don't join in.

That's particularly important because your workplace isn't the same as your group chat.

Emails, Slack messages, and other communication on company systems may be accessible to your employer.

The National Labor Relations Board explains that employees have certain legal protections when discussing working conditions with coworkers, but that doesn't mean every workplace conversation should happen carelessly on company platforms.

I think the simpler rule is this:

Don't write something on your work computer that you'd be horrified to have somebody else at work read.

You don't need to become paranoid.

Just remember where you are.

Don't Overshare With Everyone

Coworkers can absolutely become real friends.

I've had coworkers I've trusted, talked to about my life, and genuinely enjoyed spending time with outside of work.

But not every person you work with needs that level of access to you.

“The exception to this rule is your one or two close coworker friends, and the rule goes for everybody else.”

I think that's a pretty good way to approach it.

You can be friendly without telling everybody everything.

Especially when there's already tension with someone, be careful about giving them more personal information than they need.

Keep conversations friendly. Talk about your weekend. Talk about sports, movies, dating, restaurants, whatever.

But you don't necessarily need to tell a difficult coworker about your problems with your boss, how badly you want another job, or exactly what you think about everybody else in the office.

Boundaries can save you a lot of unnecessary drama.

Get Important Conversations in Writing

If you're dealing with a coworker who is genuinely difficult, this becomes even more important.

Get important things in writing.

If you have a conversation about a deadline, responsibility, decision, or project and you think there's any chance of confusion later, send a follow-up.

It doesn't need to sound defensive.

You can simply write:

"Just wanted to confirm our conversation about..."

Then summarize what you agreed on.

This is good practice even when you love everyone you work with. People forget things. People misunderstand each other. Two people can leave the exact same meeting with completely different understandings of what was decided.

Harvard Business Review recommends approaching workplace conflict with curiosity and trying to understand what's actually driving the disagreement instead of immediately assuming bad intent.

Documentation helps with that too.

You're not creating a secret case against your coworker.

You're creating clarity.

And if a pattern eventually does become serious enough that you need to involve your manager or HR, having specific examples is a lot more useful than saying, "This person is always difficult."

Talk to Them Before You Talk About Them

This obviously depends on the situation.

If somebody is harassing you, discriminating against you, threatening you, or doing something that makes you feel unsafe, that's different. You don't need to personally resolve every serious workplace issue before going to a manager or HR.

But for normal coworker conflict?

Try talking to the person.

It's incredibly easy for workplace frustration to become gossip.

You're annoyed with Sarah, so you tell Mike. Mike tells John. John has also been annoyed with Sarah. Suddenly four people are talking about Sarah and Sarah doesn't even know there's a problem.

That usually doesn't fix anything.

If it's something you can reasonably address directly, have the conversation.

You don't need to make it dramatic.

"Hey, I feel like we've been getting crossed up on this project. Can we figure out a better way to communicate about it?"

That's a much more productive starting point than allowing resentment to build for three months.

The American Psychological Association highlights communication, respect, and psychological safety as important elements of healthier workplaces.

You can't control your entire workplace culture.

You can control how you participate in it.

Know When to Involve Your Boss

There is a difference between a coworker being annoying and a coworker preventing you from doing your job.

If somebody talks too loudly, takes forever to respond, or has a personality you don't love, you might just have to deal with it.

That's life.

But if someone repeatedly withholds information you need, takes credit for your work, undermines you, ignores important deadlines, or creates problems that are affecting your ability to do your job, that's different.

At that point, talking to your manager can make sense.

When you do, focus on specific behavior and its impact on the work.

Not:

"I hate working with this person."

Instead:

"We've missed the last two deadlines because I haven't received the information I need until after the agreed-upon date. I've tried addressing it directly, but it keeps happening. What's the best way for us to handle this?"

Now you're not asking your boss to pick sides in a personality conflict.

You're asking them to help solve a work problem.

If you're still learning how to navigate those conversations, The Internet's Work Advice, Explored covers some of the other unwritten rules that can make corporate life easier.

Don't Let One Difficult Coworker Ruin Your Job

This is another trap that's easy to fall into.

You like your job.

You like your boss.

You like most of your team.

But there's that one fucking person.

And suddenly they become all you think about.

You wake up thinking about how annoying they'll be that day. You complain about them when you get home. You see their name pop up on Slack and immediately get pissed off.

Don't give one person that much control over your experience.

If the situation is serious, address it.

But if they're simply someone you don't particularly like, create some emotional distance.

Do your job.

Be professional.

Go home.

Not every difficult relationship needs to be repaired into a beautiful friendship.

Sometimes you just need to figure out how to work together.

That's part of the larger adjustment nobody really prepares you for when you start working, which I get into more in What Nobody Tells You About Starting Your Career.

Remember What You're Actually There to Do

You have a career to build.

You have things you want to learn.

You have opportunities you want.

You have work you want to get better at.

Don't become so consumed by office politics that you forget all of that.

One difficult coworker shouldn't become the main character of your career.

Keep track of what you're accomplishing. Build relationships with the people you do trust. Learn as much as you can. Do good work.

That's also why I think How Do You Ask For A Raise Or Promotion At Your First Job?matters. Your attention should be going toward your own growth, not constantly monitoring whether somebody else likes you.

And Here's The Thing

You're going to work with difficult people.

I don't care what company you join, what industry you're in, or how good the culture supposedly is.

At some point, somebody is going to annoy the shit out of you.

And at some point, you're probably going to annoy somebody else.

That's normal.

The goal isn't to create a career where you never experience conflict.

It's to get better at handling it.

Don't assume every disagreement is personal. Don't participate in unnecessary drama. Keep important conversations documented. Talk directly to people when you can. Involve your manager when someone's behavior starts affecting your ability to work.

And most importantly, accept that not everyone has to like you.

Be respectful.

Be professional.

Do good work.

Sometimes that's enough.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you deal with a difficult coworker?

Stay professional, focus on specific behaviors instead of personalities, communicate directly when possible, and document important conversations.

What should I do if a coworker doesn't like me?

You don't necessarily need to do anything. If you can work together professionally and their behavior isn't affecting your job, accept that not everyone at work will like you.

When should I tell my boss about a difficult coworker?

Consider involving your boss when you've tried addressing the issue and the coworker's behavior is repeatedly affecting your work, deadlines, or ability to do your job.

Should I confront a rude coworker?

For normal workplace conflict, a calm direct conversation can help. Serious issues involving harassment, discrimination, threats, or safety should be handled through the appropriate workplace channels.

How do I stop letting a coworker bother me?

Create some emotional distance and focus on what you can control: your work, your behavior, and your career. You don't need to like someone to work effectively with them.