How To Stay In Touch With Friends As You Get Older

I think one of the hardest parts of being in your 20s and life after college and even into your 30s is that you do not get to see the friends that you once saw all the time. And how hard it can be to keep up with friends, even with your closest friends. There is a huge difference of life

before college and in college than there is after. And one of the biggest markers of that change is how much more independence you have and how much harder it is to stay in touch and keep in touch with the people that once lived down the street from you or down the block from you in the same neighborhood as you, 10 minute drive away next door to you. And now it feels like an effort.

to see even some of your closest friends. I think this has been one of the biggest changes for me that I've realized over the past few years and I'm sure if you're listening to this right now and you're in my same age or any age older, this is something that you've had to realize or you are currently realizing as well. Or maybe you haven't yet and this episode might be like, uh-huh, like I'm gonna get to that conclusion soon because that is gonna be something that I have to deal with and

And it's not to make anybody feel badly about this and make you feel worse that you're not staying in touch or you haven't stayed in touch. It's just kind of a reality check that I've been confronted with recently that like even some of my closest friends, it is an effort to stay in touch with. And we have all of these kind of modes of communication or ways that we can communicate with each other.

Whether that's texting, whether that's Instagram DMs, whether it's sending TikToks to each other, whether that's calling or FaceTiming. But like there really is nothing like in person connection. There really is nothing like sitting on a couch with somebody and just like hanging out and shooting the shit and just talking about whatever or scrolling on your phone with somebody else in the room and then like sending DMs to each other or like just talking about whatever comes up because you're with each other for a long enough time.

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that you can just go in so many different directions in conversation and it's not just a 10 minute or 30 minute phone call where you're trying to hit the points and get like the updates on each other's lives and that is kind of what it becomes with time and in time and it's hard to maintain a ton of friendships and it's hard to maintain connection and just staying in touch is hard.

And it's something I want to talk about today because it's been something that I've realized a lot recently. And like the kind of precipice of my realization of this is that I, one of my closest friends, my old roommate who Reed, who's been on this podcast before moved to a different city about six months ago now. that six? my God. August, September, October, November, December, January, like, holy shit. Six months ago now when we moved out from our apartment and we did that episode, I called it the end of an era. You can go back and listen to it.

I loved doing that episode with him and we just like shot the shit about what it was like being roommates and how we were feeling about him moving to a new city and just all of that stuff and kind of enduring a long distance friendship. And over these past six months, I've been like, holy shit, like I haven't seen him in four months or three months or whatever it was. And we still talk all the time and we still text all the time or call or try and call every once in a while. But it's just not the same as when you're

with them all the time or you can quickly have dinner together or make a quick plan or if you don't have anything going on in the weekend, you just hang out together and like that is what it's like living with somebody and having roommates and in college and then when you go your separate ways or somebody moves to a new city or somebody moves in on their own, it becomes a very different scenario and you really have to put in an effort to keep that relationship and I think that example of like

our separation and our like distance in our friendship was a really big realization for me to realize that like a realization to realize that this has happened with a lot of friendships and it makes sense and it's not a bad thing. It's just something to kind of like call out and also realize that I can change it if I want to and if I want to it will require effort and it will require effort from both sides like it will require

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having to make a plan and sacrificing other plans or having to like say, hey, like let's meet or let's schedule a dinner or let's schedule a time where we are both free and like actually make this happen. Like it's been so long since I've seen you like miss you man or whatever, like whatever you say to a friend that you haven't seen in a while, but that requires effort. And I wanted to talk about that and talk through what I think are three ways that you can start doing that better if you're in a similar position or you're in a similar

realization where it's been like a whole shit like I haven't seen that person in months or I haven't talked to that friend in months like I and I love that friend. I don't know why it's been so long just like life catches up shit catches up like time moves quickly and when you say like I'm gonna text them tomorrow that becomes the next day and that becomes the next week and the next month and then before you realize it's been two months before you've talked or a month and a half before you've actually hung out.

And it's what happens. It's unfortunately just kind of the way that life moves. And what I've realized is that kind of is only exacerbated with time. Like that only, like the distance between friendships and relationships only increases. Like it doesn't decrease as you get older because in 10 years from now, friends will move to another new place or maybe back to the suburbs with...

a wife and maybe have kids and then you're even farther apart and then your responsibilities even more so increase and you have more things you have to do and more people you have to tend to and more responsibilities and things that you have to do and it just becomes harder and harder to see each other and to maintain connection and maintain friendships and I think also especially for guys like this isn't something that we think about a lot like I

I guess I'm gonna like blanket statement speak for all guys and I don't mean to but like I kind of think that this relates to a lot or maybe you can correct me if I'm wrong but like I think a lot of guys aren't super focused on maintaining friendships and connection I think it's a big stereotype but I think it also is true I think it's like one of the true stereotypes at the same time that like girls think about their relationships and their friendships and their connections a lot more than guys do and I think

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guys still want to increase their connections and maintain connections and stay in touch with their friends and keep in touch. And that's something that like we all desire. It's just not something we're good at or have the tools to do or know what to do. Beside for like sending a text for once in a while and like guys aren't good at that. Like guys aren't good at just like checking in being like, Hey, how are you? Like that's just not something that a lot of guys do. And it can be like, that's kind of what I'm here to say is like, it can be something that you do.

It doesn't have to be like this thing that you're bad at. And if you are bad at it right now, there are ways to change it. There are ways to fix it. And there are ways to improve that about yourself. Like if you feel like you're bad at that right now, you don't have to stay bad at it because you're just like throw your hands in there and be like, well, guys are bad at this. Like guys don't stay in touch. Like whatever. Like you can get better at it. And this can be something that you prioritize.

And I'm going to give you some ways. I'm going to give you a few ways that I have started to do it and like ways that I'm still working on. This is something that I'm still working on. Like I'm not amazing at this isn't isn't something that like also comes supernaturally to me. I think it does come more natural to me than other people. And I'm very lucky about that. And I do text my friends all the time and I'm kind of constantly in contact with people. But there are a lot of friendships that have like slipped a little bit or friendships that I would love to

maintain even further and I just haven't been able to and like I was saying about the way Life gets in the way of different things like when you're older even now like people are chasing different careers and different aspirations and different kind of like things people are going on dates people are entering relationships and also people are entering friendships and connections with new people at the same time like

you're meeting new coworkers or you're meeting a new girlfriend and you're meeting that girlfriend's friends and her friend's boyfriends and that becomes a new friend group and you're meeting a coworker and their friends or you're going out with your coworkers and you get all these new friend groups that you have to then kind of balance between your home friends and your school friends and your work friends and your girlfriend and your girlfriend's friends and it's a lot like it's it's kind of truly an impossible thing to balance

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and you have to pick and prioritize and that does mean that sometimes friendships or relationships get sidelined or get kind of put to the side for the time being but that also doesn't mean that they're gone or forgotten about that means that you do have to put more effort into those and you do have to you know work at that you do have to keep trying you can't just give up on it it's like anything if you care about something you have to kind of work on it day in and day out like

If you're trying to build something, let's just say, when you start building it at first, it's going to be really hard. It's going to feel like a lot of work and a lot of effort. Like it's going to be something you have to put a lot of time and effort into. And as you get better and better at it, as you do it every single day and work at this thing, it starts to feel less like a chore and more like a practice. It starts to feel

less like an effort and more like a ritual that you do every single day or a habit that you do. Like you wake up and you do this thing or at 5 p.m. after work I do this thing because it matters to me. It has to matter to you. Like and if it does it does and this is like a very easy it has to matter to you and I'm assuming your friendships and your relationships matter to you and that same mindset about caring about building something applies to friendships and relationships like

you have to put in that same amount of effort into long distance friendships and relationships and just friendships in general. And kind of what I'm saying is that it's natural for friendships to go through like ebbs and flows. Like it's natural for some friendships to be much stronger at some times and others more strong at other times. And unfortunately, it's just kind of like a part of life and it's

kind of a part of the stage or the phase that you are in and your friends are in at this time. And some friendships fade over time because naturally if you stop seeing each other as much you become less close and if you stop talking as much as you once did you distance and that doesn't mean that it will always be that way just because it is that way right now.

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And that doesn't mean that it will always be that way in general. Like there might be a time where you guys live closer together or a time where you're talking a lot more and you're keeping in touch a lot more because you have a lot more to talk about or a lot more to say. And one of the things I really want to hit home is that like friendships evolve over time and friendships require effort and they require prioritization. And like when you're in college, your friends are literally next door to you. Like your friends.

or they're in your house with you like your friends are down the street or up the block kind of like they were when you grew up and when you leave college like everybody separates everybody goes their own way some people go across the country some people go to a different city some people move back home and everybody is kind of like dispersed and it's this moment again where you're like whoa I have to

really put in an effort to keep in touch with everybody because everybody is separate. Everybody's in different locations. Like this person's over here, this person's back here, this person's up there. Like I gotta make effort to keep these because as the days go on, as the weeks go on, it's going to be hard to stay in touch and it's overwhelming because at the same time you wanna make time for yourself and you wanna prioritize yourself and this new city or this new place that you're in too.

And even if you're back home, like you want to figure that all out at the same time. So, and it's work and it requires you to be social and to reach out and to check in and say, Hey, and send a, how's it going? Or how are things or what's up with you? How's that job? How's that girlfriend? How's that relationship? How's what you're working on? Like it requires you to do that. It requires like an effortful practice of like checking in with people and texting people. And if you haven't done that yet, or if you haven't done that in a while, like

That's okay. Like, don't listen to this, or I don't want you to listen to this and be like, fuck, I haven't checked in with anybody in a while, or I haven't, I've lost touch with lot of friends, or I haven't been good about that. Like, fine. That's okay for you to realize, but now is the moment for you to then make the change, and then make like the step forward. Like, I don't want you to get caught up in what you've been doing, or the way you've been kind of going through the motions, or going through life.

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If you haven't been happy with the way that you've been acting or the way you've been keeping in touch or the way you've been kind of checking in with people like this is a good moment like a good kind of change point for you to be like, I want to change the way I'm doing things. I want to check in with my friends more. Even if they aren't checking in with you, like sometimes friendships require you to be the one to make the first move and be like, Hey, how are you? And start it up again. Like that's okay too. I know that friendships are a two way street. Like

Friendship doesn't work unless both of you are into it and both of you want to be making plans and hanging out like obviously that's that's how any relationship works, but sometimes some relationships require one person to be the person to start it back up again or Kind of like put your foot on the gas and be like hey like let's go hang out or hey Let's go make plans some people are just better at that than others and some people are just not as prone to it so this could be and I I hope it is the moment where you're like

I'm not thrilled with the way I've been doing it. And now I'm going to make the change. So how do I make that change? You may ask. Well, let me tell you three ways that I think you can kind of change this behavior that you can get better at it, then you can start staying in touch with friends better and keep in touch with long distance friends or even friends that are close by to you in the same city down the street. Like, it still requires an effort no matter what the friendship is, no matter who the person is.

It still requires some sort of you having to reach out, you having to check in. And one more thing before I go into the tips on how to get better at staying in touch that I've thought through and what I think will be helpful for you. I think one of the things that this time is really good for is that it kind of sets us up for the rest of our lives because we have to learn to adapt. We have to learn how to get better at this because

As I said a little bit ago, it's only going to get bigger and harder to, whoa, pause. It's only going to get harder to maintain connection over time. It's only going to get more spread out and kind of more dispersed all over the place with people moving in with significant others, people moving in with girlfriends, people moving in.

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back home to be closer with to their parents when they have kids, people moving back to where their girlfriends are from to be closer to their parents. Like it's just going to get more and more spread out and harder and harder to keep in touch. So this time in our lives kind of gives us and affords us an opportunity to get better at this if you're not good at it yet or to learn how to get better or to learn how to figure this out as you go.

It's the first time that we're confronted with this, like the long distance friendships and the relationships and of the understanding that it will never be what it once was, unfortunately, and like it probably never will ever be like that again. So it's important that we kind of take this seriously. Like it's even more of a reason to.

take this seriously and develop ways to stay in touch with people now and realize this and understand this earlier before you get to a later time in your life where you're like, fuck, I really wish I had stayed in touch with friends and I really wish I had made more of an effort. Like this is a great moment to realize that to kind of take it, take it upon yourself to be like, I'm going to make a better effort to make a greater, more conscious effort to stay in touch with my friends.

to keep up to check in. And of course you can always decide that and you can always want to change your behaviors. But I really think right now in our middle to late 20s to early 30s, it's a great time to work on that and develop this muscle. And as I was saying before, like when that realization hit me that I hadn't seen one of my best friends in a while, I texted him and I was like, let's make a plan. Like it's been.

three months or longer, like since we've seen each other. like, let's make a plan. And we got on the phone and we like literally decided on a date that worked for both of us for him to come to New York for us to hang out. And we made it tentative, which I thought was a really good thing because it didn't put this like super pressure or super like pressure full amount of pressure onto this kind of like hang out. Like if something had come up or like if work came up or if there was something

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that he had to go fly out to this or I had to go fly out of that or like another commitment came up like we could change this. It wasn't like a this has to happen. It was just like a here's a day that works for both of us this month. Let's try to really make this work because it would be great to see each other. And that is like the first tip I have for this is that if you have a long distance friend or somebody you haven't seen in a while or somebody that this episode is making you think about text them and be like let's set up a plan.

Like make a plan, put a date on it that you both are committing to. It doesn't have to be like, I'm fully committing to this, but like you, I like the idea of being like, let's make it tentative, but like, let's really try to make this work. So it doesn't put this pressure on it, but like at the same time, you both know that this date is coming up or just like said it, you don't even have to make it this tentative thing. Like just set it and be like, let's hang out this day.

The only reason I'm saying the tentative thing is that like both neither of us had to feel badly if it didn't work or neither of us had to feel badly if like we couldn't make it happen. And I don't know. I just liked that. So I'm giving it to you as well. But I really think making a plan is one of the best ways because then you both have this thing to look forward to. You both know that like there's not this outstanding time that is continuing to pass that you haven't seen each other and you have this day set. And it also

his effort to go and do that, like he had to take the train in to come hang out. like, it's just, it's not always easy to do this. And that's why I think planning a little bit ahead is a good thing because it makes it easier. Like you, you buy, you have to buy like train to get to figure out travel and stuff. And especially if it's a friend from out of town or a different city, like you do have to figure this stuff out a couple of weeks in advance, but set a date and like make a commitment that you're going to hang out this time.

so that you have this thing to look forward to and you can also like talk about what you're gonna do that day or kind of like just keeps the conversation going. I think that's a great thing to do for long distance friendships. And last week he came over and we hung out all day and it was just the greatest. Like it felt like no time had passed at all. And it made me realize that like we're okay to not hang out or see each other every week or every month and

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I would like to I want to make that more of a priority it also was another realization that like I was like we should try and do this at least every month or every other month where like I come to you or you come to me or we meet somewhere like we go to do something like that is something that we should try to do at least six times a year or at least you know like and when you put it like that like it's like six times a year like that's not that much like that's really little over 365 days like six days that's really little or 12 like you know what I mean but

It still requires someone to go do something and book something and travel somewhere and it is effort. Like it's not so little when you look at it that way, but when you look at it in the grand scheme of a year, it's like, you're only gonna see this person for 12 days throughout the year. Like, damn, that's like not a lot at all. And I don't know, like that's just something I realized as I'm speaking about it right now, but like it is the type of thing you try and make happen once a month because it's hard to do. And if it doesn't happen once a month, every other month, and that's six times, which still isn't that many.

So that's why I think my next tip is also really important. But like, I just wanna finish that one before I go, I had a great transition so I was like, let me just take this in the moment. But I do wanna say like, I think putting a date on a hangout is a great thing to do and I wish I had done it sooner and I recommend it to you or anybody that is feeling like they haven't seen a friend in a while. I think this is a great way to stay in touch, to keep connected. The next tip I wanted to say is,

This thing I talked about a while ago on here called the seven minute phone call. And it's basically what it's it's what it is. It's what I said. It's calling somebody for seven minutes. So instead of feeling like you have to set aside 30 minutes to an hour in your assumedly very assumedly hope that's a word very busy day like.

You set seven minutes. You decide that I'm going to call this person from 12 to 1207 and at 1207 I'm going to go but and if I decide not to I can stay longer but instead of feeling like you have to reconnect with somebody for an hour you set seven minutes to call them.

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How much easier does that feel? How much more of a weight does that feel like it's lifted off of you than like having to call somebody for a long time and chat through their job and their girlfriend and life and their new apartment and their move and like hit all those points. Like you're not going to hit all that in seven minutes, but that then means then you can call them next week and do that same thing again. And if it stays on longer, if it stays on for 30 minutes, great. But taking the pressure off of this like big

loaded conversation you have to have with somebody that you haven't talked to in a while and make like makes it this easier, like quick chat just to say, hi, how are you? Miss you. Hope things are well. Seven minutes. I love the idea of a seven minute conversation. I started doing it after I talked about it. It must've been like a couple of years, maybe a year ago at this point now, but I really wanted to bring it back on here because I think it's a great tip. Like

I don't even think I thought of it. I think I read it in a magazine or something, but whatever. Like it's I'm taking it now. So it's guys, it's seven minute phone calls. I think it's a great way to stay in touch with people deciding that you want to call one person a day for seven minutes or one person every other day for seven minutes makes it feel so easy to do. So makes it feel like not even this effortful thing that I'm explaining about maintaining friendships and keeping in touch. kind of almost wish I started with the seven minute phone call thing because like

Then it takes away a lot of this effort and a lot of this pressure to maintain connection and keep in touch. But I think this is probably the best tip I have is to call people for seven minutes or FaceTime. Like I think calling and FaceTiming is so much better than texting. course, text DM, like do all the things that you do because that's still great ways or those are still great ways to stay in touch and let people know you're thinking of them. And you, you saw this meme or you saw punch the monkey and that made you think of them like

Great, like that's also a really good way to stay in touch and let people know that they're on your mind. Highly recommend that as well, but I think a phone call is much more impactful than any of that, obviously. Like when you call someone, when you take the time out of your day to like say hi and look at them and like spend that time with them, it's more meaningful and like, you know that. trying to take, maybe just start with one a week instead of every single day. Like that's a lot. One a week, try calling one person every week.

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for seven minutes. Like you decide that on Tuesdays at 12, you're gonna call someone for seven minutes or on your walk back home from work. I think there are specific times that this is really easy to do. I think on your way to work, it might be a little early, but like on your way to work or at lunchtime at work after work, when you're cooking dinner or when you're having dinner.

when you're doing laundry, when you're like folding, like there are moments throughout the day that we're doing like menial tasks that we all do that we have to do in order to make our day work. I think that's a great time to give somebody a call and say, Hi, how are you? How are things thinking of you like?

Seven minutes. That's it. That's probably the best tip I have in this episode. Actually, you can decide that maybe you think they're all bad I'm just kidding. Maybe you think they're all great like but I think this is a really really good one and I'm gonna start doing it too like I There are other friends that I haven't talked to in a while and I think this is a good way to to keep in touch with them and the third one is When you're thinking about someone or you've been thinking about how long it's been since you've seen them just send them a text

Say, hey, how are things? Hey, how are you? Hey, miss you, man. Like, so simple. Nothing more complicated than that. It's been a minute or it's been a while. Like, would love to catch up soon. Like, are you free next week? I've been thinking about you. Or like, are you free sometime this week to grab dinner or to grab drinks? Like, just send the quick text because those moments are so fleeting. Like, I had one yesterday when I was like, oh, like this thing reminded me of a friend.

And I was like, I should text them and just like say hi. And I didn't. And now it's been another, it's been a day since I've done it and it'll probably go to tomorrow. Like instead of keeping that like bad habit, just send them a text. Like just quickly, like we all have our phones in our fingertips or in our pockets all the time or next to our bedside tables. Like our phones are always around us. So if there's a moment or a time when you're thinking about somebody and it's been a while since you've talked to them, send them a quick text, just like a, how are you? They're like, what's up? How are things?

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super quick or a meme or just like text it to them instead of Instagram DMing. So you actually like open that conversation up or send them a picture of something or send them your meal or whatever. Like this thing you cooked like it can be whatever it is for you to text that friend, but just send them a quick text. Like I think that's a great way to maintain connection as well. And then the third one I said already was making a plan to stay in touch.

because I really think that like having that day to look forward to that you're going to connect kind of gives you this air that you don't have to worry about constantly keeping them updated or feeling like they're missing out because you have this time where you're gonna reconnect. So I really recommend that one too. And as I said in the beginning, like staying in touch gets harder as we get busier and as our lives get fuller.

with new relationships, with dating, with job changes, with city moves, with apartment switches, with new coworkers, and new bosses, and new friends, and new friends of friends, and new relationships, and all of these things, it becomes so much harder to stay in touch. And that is why it is so important to develop this skill now, or get better at it now, if this is something that you wanna do. Because it is something that you can change, it is something that you can get better at.

And I hope by using these three things or using these tactics and kind of making them a part of your day or a part of your week, it'll make it easier for you to stay in touch. It'll make it easier for you to keep these connections. And maybe this episode does just that for you, where you realize that there's been somebody that you've lost connection with or you haven't talked to in a while and you send them that text or you give them that seven minute call.

Or you say like, hey, like give me a call when you can or give me a call when you're free. You can also do that for the seven minute call thing. Just like say, Hey, would love to catch up. Like, are you free at 12 or whatever? Like that's another great thing to do. But I hope this episode does that for you. And I hope that you work on this because this is something that I'm also constantly working on. Like I am no pro at this and I will probably always be working on this, but I'm working on it. And I think that's the important thing that I realized that I'm not amazing at it. And it's something that I want to improve on.

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and I'm gonna be constantly working at it. That is the episode. Thank you so much for listening to Guy's Set, a guy's guide to what should be talked about. I'm Josh, I'm 25 years old and I'm here every single week, every single Tuesday to talk about what should be talked about for guys. If you liked this episode, I really hope you did. Please like, subscribe, and this podcast five stars. The review that's one, two, three, four, five stars. Not four, not three, not two, not one, it's five stars. Thank you so much for tuning in. really, really appreciate that.

If you have anything you to talk about that should be talked about for guys, head over to guyset.com, G-U-Y-S-E-T.com. There is an Ask Me Anything right there at the top. You can ask me anything you me to talk about, anything that should be talked about, and I will make a whole episode about it, or I'll write a blog post on it. Every day I write three blog posts on guyset.com, whether they're about dating or relationships, about confidence or mindset or lifestyle or style or what to wear. Like, there are so many blog posts over there.

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Thank you so much for listening to Guy's Guide to what should be talked about and I will see you guys next Tuesday. See you guys.