How to Make Friends In A New City with Adam Graff

Josh Felgoise (00:00.206)

Welcome to Guy's Set, the guy's guide to what you should be talking about. I'm Josh, I'm 23 years old, and I'm here to find all the tips, advice, and recommendations for guys in their 20s. Let's get into it.

Josh Felgoise (00:17.934)

Hi guys, welcome back to GuySet, the guys guide to what should be talked about. A few episodes ago I did an episode called GuySet Toolkit number one, which is like an ask me anything. And that was one of the episodes that people have liked most so far and thought that it was like the most genuine and honest. And what I did was I just asked people to write in questions, whether it was from my email or DM or text me. And they wrote in a bunch of questions and I answered them just.

pretty honestly and briefly and answered like five to six questions and I'll be doing something like that like every other month or so probably every month because it was so well received. But somebody wrote in a question after the fact that I think warrants a full episode. So that's why we're here today. So this person wrote in and was like I love the episode on how to meet girls at a bar and how to talk to girls and blah blah blah and love my interview with my friend Luke and

just getting into that conversation more. But he was like, but how do I meet boys? And not in the way you're thinking, not in the way you're thinking. It was more so in the sense of like, how do I make friends in a new city? Which I thought was a really interesting question and something that we honestly don't talk about a lot. Or it's like, how do I just like meet new people in new city? It doesn't necessarily have to be just friends, but like, where do even go to like meet people? And this guy just moved to a new city recently, graduated college about a year ago, I think. And

was living at home either or something. It doesn't really matter, but he just moved to a new city. So I think for anybody that is moving to a new city or living somewhere new after college, like we're all in a place where we've moved with a good amount of friends to, or you, sorry, let me, let me go back. You've moved either with having some friends there. You have a couple roommates, maybe have a roommate or so. And that's kind of like one bucket where like you have some friends or people, you know, in the city.

And then there's the other side of it where it's like, you know, some people, um, not such great friends, but like, you, know, at least a couple people, or there's a third bucket of like, I don't know fucking anybody. And that must be incredibly hard. And I honestly don't like, I'm not going to sit here and act like I know how that actually feels because I don't, I got lucky enough to come here with two great roommates. You've heard from one of them and you'll hear from another one soon. Um, and you know, I've, have a lot of other friends here that I've

Josh Felgoise (02:41.706)

been lucky enough that they came from college to the city and a couple of home friends too. And that's just like a very fortunate position. And I don't take that for granted at any time. But I think about that and I thought that was such a good question. And I don't think that in the past week of like, how do how does somebody in that position start finding new friends or start meeting new people? And I thought that was just like a really a good topic for this week. So that's what we're going to do.

I want to read you guys. I want to read you guys a part of my conversation with this guy who reached out. Of course, anonymous. Anything anybody ever reaches out with is always going to be anonymous unless they want to come on and talk about it or share who they are. But this person kind of said like the last episode was great, but also do an episode on how to meet boys. I'm in a brand new city right now. And if I needed to meet a girl, I would use Tinder or hinge, but I need to meet guys. And I was like, like how to make friends. And he's like, sorta. Yeah, usually we make friends just by being in the fit.

being in the vicinity of new people and he's like, moving to college, you are just around people and you don't go, you don't have to go like look to meet guys. You just kind of bomb with people that are just put around you, which is really interesting. And that's true. Like you become friends with people on your hall at college or through a club you join or through joining a fraternity or like any other type of group or classes. A lot of my friends came from just like classes or

Hall or whatever. Yeah, it's it's it's he's right like the people you're just around you but you bond with Or he said through like a mutual which is another great one That's how I actually found my first college roommate was through our mutual friend yeah, and then he said but when you know no one it's like what the fuck do I do? It's like go approach girls at a bar. Okay, sure that makes sense But go approach boys at a bar like who the fuck am I and that's really true and it's a really good point And I'm happy he reached out with this one

And I just kind of responded like, know exactly what you mean. I think it's a really great, great topic. and he said for now, like, especially if you are still friends with a lot of your college friends, but if you move somewhere new and you don't know anybody, or have someone like, wait, sorry, I'm going to read that again. Cause I'm, I'm just reading these texts back for the first time and it's like text coded. they're not like, well, well, formatted texts. but I think he meant was like, you either move with people that you know, or you don't.

Josh Felgoise (05:03.698)

And it's the most out of place thing that he's had for him in his life right now and I think it's just a really really important topic but I think this is just kind of more like repetitive conversation But he said like looking to go meet girls is hard, but it's like socially accepted that it's hard. I like this I like this I'm gonna start over he said looking to go meet girls is hard But it's like a socially acceptable thing that it's hard Nobody ever talks about it being hard to meet boys and it's socially just weird to like walk up to a guy. You don't know

And that's really true and it's a really great point. Unless we have a couple cases that it's not true and we'll get into that. That's why we're here today. And he's talking about like how once you're in a group it becomes really easy because which is another point we'll talk about soon. And then he said if but if you know zero people it's just so weird going from living with six guys to seeing just coworkers. And it's a really great point. And I'm really happy I'm

in a position and have this kind of platform to talk about this type of stuff because it's a really important topic that we need to be diving into. Living on your own or going from being in an environment where you're just constantly surrounded by new energy or new people to now being in just an apartment and living in like a ginormous city where you don't know anybody, you don't know what to do. It's just a fucking hard thing and it's something that we shouldn't have to go through alone and that's the point of this.

Also, I just want to let you know that I got his permission to read these messages. This is not just, you know, me spewing out the conversation we had, of course, anybody that reaches out, I'll always get permission to, you know, use messages or anything. But I think it just really helps with like the context of this conversation and this episode. But there are so many guys experiencing this and going through through this exact topic. So I'm happy he reached out. And it's one of my favorite things that's happened so far.

from this podcast is that people feel free to or feel comfortable reaching out to me with topics about this type of stuff because they know I'm going to talk about it or hope I'm going to talk about it. And yeah, like please genuinely reach out and have these conversations because they're so important. But let's get into the answer to this question and the answers to this question because there are, there's a lot of good options for how to meet new people and meet friends. I'm calling this one how to make new friends in a new city because the going to meet people, I hope.

Josh Felgoise (07:23.03)

Or I think the hope is that you become friends and start hanging out more often. So let's get into it. I want to start first by calling a friend. And this is a first ever time doing this on this podcast. but I have one of my really good friends. He moved to a new city, totally on his own. he knew his roommate who was a mutual friend coworker. and that was it and nobody else. And he.

had to and really wanted to make new friends in his new city. He moved to Delaware. So this is the first time this has ever happened on guyset. I am going to call in one of my friends. I am really excited for this. This is not going to count as one of the interview episodes because this is just like a one question type of conversation, but we're going to call him in and hope this works. I'm going to hold him up to the microphone and he knows I'm calling. So this is not out of the nowhere, but let's see what he does. Okay, here we go. Wait, can you hear it?

brand speaker.

Hello, are you ready?

You're live. I can cut this. It's okay. How are you? Can I say your name? Okay, this is my friend Adam. Don't be nervous. is they can't even see you. It's okay.

Josh Felgoise (08:47.054)

Okay. So I just gave basically the context of the conversation and my conversation with the person who reached out of how like when you go from being in college and being surrounded by new people all the time, it's just so easy to make friends. But then moving to a new city where you literally know nobody is an incredibly hard thing to do. And I know that you moved to a new city last year without anybody.

First of all, how was that for you? I think it was like definitely difficult to make friends knowing that all of your like current friends that you made in college were, you know, hanging out every single weekend in like New York City or Philly or a different city. In general, like, did you find that making friends? Put aside like FOMO or anything of other people. Did you find that making friends there was

challenging? I think it was like harder than I expected. It was easy to just go out like one night and hang out with like random people that you'll meet but like developing that friendship over time and you know, like planning to go out like the next weekend is definitely difficult. So I remember you calling or you telling me that you made like there was like a little friend group you had for a second. Talk about that before we go back into it. So you start with that. Yeah, so

I guess I'll kind of start at the beginning, but when I like first moved down there, it was difficult kind of deciding like where you were going to go out, not really knowing like specific bars or, you know, like the atmosphere of different like places. And I think that was probably like the first part because I was literally just putting in like Google maps bars near me. Like that part was like,

definitely difficult and like to find like a bar with like a younger crowd like the first like few weekends I definitely went out and they were like just like 30 year olds to 40 year olds at random bars and I'd be like okay I'm gonna hop in a new friend and somewhere else. Right that's not the energy that's not like the those aren't the friends you want to start making. So how did you how did you find people our age at like did you did you just kind of bar hop to find new people? Yeah so there was this outdoor

Josh Felgoise (11:10.678)

like right next to my apartment that had like cornhole axe throwing and was really just like throw like shipping containers so fun were like like food and just like really cheap drinks yeah so i went there like one night as a pregame they usually closes around like 11 pm so it's kind of only a pregame place or like for happy hour okay but i went there and i just saw like this guy and a girl that were like sitting at a table and i like at that point i was like friendly with my roommate so i

right kind of gives you like half an hour to you know just talk to that other person and like develop a quick friendship and either like you know if you're not like hitting it off for you have different interests then you can kind of just like you know either move on to like the next group or just kind of like chill with like

your roommate and just drink a little bit there if it's going well you can be like what are you doing after this do you want to go this far like etc that's such a good one did were you nervous walking up like think did you think they were a couple or like were you just that you saw two young people and were like all right fuck it this is the right time to yeah i literally would say to my roommate like those people look our age i do want to go talk to them and i would it's definitely easier to do when you're a little bit buzzed but for sure

Yeah, and I did like once or twice walk like up on like a first date like and it was like a little bit awkward and they were just like, we're on like a date and like you immediately like get that vibe. like, yeah, like go somewhere else kind of but like those people they were like, like we just moved down here also. And they were both 23 with like worked out kind of perfectly and I was like, we just moved down here also, you know, started talking about like college and like what you're doing in the area then like

we moved to playing some cornhole and just like continue the conversation. And that's how I kind of like developed my like first group of friends, like just like that guy and that girl. So yeah, go ahead. I just kind of say like wasn't like a quick process when I say like, that's how I like developed. Like it took like a solid like two or three months to kind of like become friends with them in a way. So like we had, you know, like a great night playing cornhole and then they like didn't want to like

Josh Felgoise (13:30.882)

go out afterwards. So me and my roommate, we went to like a different bar and then it was great. They actually reached out the next weekend and we're like, we're going bowling. Do you guys want to join us? So we ended up going bowling with them and we didn't hear from them for two weeks. I was like, well, I'll reach out, see if they want to come over for like a pregame, like another great opportunity to kind of just like get to know them better. a dancing bar and like try the conversation. Yeah, like actually chat. Right. So from there, what did you do in the

times that you got to spend with them that like fostered the relationship more like Do you know what that do you know what mean? But I don't know I think like a little bit like you're saying like verse like an actual friendship rather than just like a night out with right like how did you continue the relationship with them past like the pregame or past the The one night bowling like did you guys make a group chat or just like keep that conversation going? Yeah, I think like a group chat was definitely part of it. It was me my roommate this girl Alex and this girl Liam

or the Sky Liam and we had a group chat but it also wasn't like active until like was Thursday night or Friday night. Okay. And we were like looking for something to do. I mean, but yeah, I mean, I'm sure they were also looking for things to do in one of the bigger group to go out with as well. But I think going back to, go ahead. I was just gonna say like, I think like doing something where you're not already drunk is always like a great starting point. Right. We just had them.

And when I'm saying like we invited them over for a pregame like they knew and we knew it was like only us four because none of us really had a group of friends. So we just like drank and played and watched Jeopardy and you know made drinking games to Jeopardy. So was like we were all sober having like one or two beers and then just like going out from there. So I really like what you said in the beginning of how like you just walked up to people you thought were your age. Can you talk about like I don't know.

What was your like first line or were you like just super nervous going up to them and how did you deal with like a rejection type of thing? I think honestly, our friend Gibby kind of said this when we went out like a few weekends ago, but he said, Adam, you're kind of guy flirting with these people. And I was like, in a way he's not wrong. Like I kind of looked at it. Like I was talking to a random girl at a bar also, like you can go up and just.

Josh Felgoise (15:56.866)

You know have a random conversation and you kind of feel the vibe if it's there or if it's not and if you get that like rejection and you kind of just Go to like the next person as weird as that sounds but yeah, I mean it's Let me go. I just say I Would just go up and I'd be like, know, how are you guys doing? Do you want to like play a game of cornhole like and after that, know, where you from kind of just the basic conversations and

Talk sports if it's another guy, if it's another girl, just, you know, movies. Where'd you go to college? Do you know this person? How'd you decide, you know, that apartment? Because I think that was like one thing that like I messed up a little bit also is that like when I was looking for apartments, I didn't ask my real estate agent, like, do other young people live in this? I up a pretty like family oriented apartment. But like by the end, when I went to her apartment, it was just like so much more clear that she lived in like a younger, like,

She was only two blocks away, but like lived in like more like I'm gonna say hip like yeah, yeah, yeah, like it's just a younger like people who are younger live there Yeah, there was like a rooftop and like a little court area yard with like people outside like drinking So I think like moving to a new city That's definitely a question you could ask like your real estate agent, right? Not necessarily about the area because I did like there are younger people in this area but about the specific apartment building like my apartment had a pool table and like we would always go down around like

8 o'clock and expect like other people to drink down there and there was never anyone down there. Okay. Yeah, that sucks. So wait, just going back, I want to like dissect what you said about how you kind of kept finding people because I think it was just a really good way you did it. You found a young bar, you found a bar that worked for you and you found like a way in. So at the bar you would find like some people that looked young and be like, hey, do you want to play cornhole? Like cornhole was kind of like your pickup line, which is great in a way.

And same with like a bar like later on, like we love this pool bar that I don't know if it was really a pool bar, but it was kind of like an Irish bar that had two, two, two pool tables. And then, um, not a shuffleboard shuffleboard. What's the game where you slide those little things across? So the shuffleboard, so that like always worked out well because like a lot of the times, you know, you're not in a group.

Josh Felgoise (18:19.126)

of like maybe four or six people that wanna play. So even if you're there, know, with just like some of your city friends, you're looking for another group of two people to play. So in lot of cases, it worked out really well to kind of just find a game where you're on, you know, opposite sides or if you're playing pool at a bar, you're gonna talk with other people that you're playing. Yeah, I think that's a really awesome tip. Like go finding a bar, a game bar specifically, not like a dancey club place.

and finding people that are also young in our age and starting to like just be trying to make friends or make conversation with them. I it's a great tip. And I think that's like you kind of nailed that also. Like there was a place directly next door that was like more dancing and like you wanted to be more drunk to be there. Right. Right. You weren't making friends there because you know you're singing to the song and it's more flirtatious. It's just not. Right. That's the place to go once you have to.

build a friendship. That's the place you go once you have a friend like a friend group like you could have gone there with that for some that friend group that you made and then gone out with them like it's not the place to go meet people. Yeah, exactly. Right. Okay. Anything else you want to add? I think just also like the age group like I think I was pretty lucky originally that I found those two people that were both 23.

Right. By the end of leaving Delaware, those were my only friends that were 23. I had more friends that were 24 to 25, really, to 27. OK. Just because I think you have to be open minded, especially when moving to a new city, is that age, like obviously we're not going to be friends with people who are 30, but people who are like 25 or 26, you know.

Josh Felgoise (20:32.562)

I think that's another really good point is that like,

Age, I feel like doesn't matter that much out of college. Like, and I'm going to use this as a good way to segue into the next conversation, which I'll talk about once you're gone. But I obviously want you to stay forever. I think that like I'm friends with coworkers who are 28, 30. Like it doesn't matter out of college people's age. You're and I think it's like you said you became friends with people like 25 through 27, right? Yeah.

Okay, so yeah, I think like out of college there's like groups. So there's like the 22 to like 23 and then like once you're like a year out or even like, I don't know, even in that same year, the 22 through 30 group, like we're all kinda in a similar process. Like some people are in relationships, some people are single, some people are getting engaged. Like we're not that far away from any of that and everyone's kind of in a similar boat. Of course, like 30 to the next age range is a bit different, but like.

We all still have the same things to talk about, maybe a bit different, but like it's still very relatable. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I think you just mentioned your coworkers also. I just wanted to like say around that is I met one tip I would give is to join. Like I think my culture at the place I work was definitely a little bit interesting where they had like a flag football league or like a softball team. know that's a little bit more common, like in the city.

Good one. I joined a flag football team, which is like a lot of younger guys specifically. You played football? I know, right? Surprise. I thought it was flag. But I joined a flag football team and met a bunch of younger guys and we did hang out a few times just by the fifth or sixth time, you know, after going to a bunch of like happy hours together or a night out, we were still talking about work and I think like just their interests like

Josh Felgoise (22:31.448)

Didn't really align like a lot of the times they were inviting me to go like rock climbing which I don't really love right I mean I went once but it wasn't like something I was looking to do, know every single Saturday or or Sunday I was happier going to like that cornhole bar and just you know spending time outdoors I would pay so much money to see you on a rock climbing wall. It was not a pretty sight

Yeah, no, I interrupted. I'm sorry. But you what you were saying was really like a very great point. Like finding leagues or things within work. Like I know my work. There's a thing in New York called Volo and it's like a intramural league organizer. And I joined like a pickleball league. And it was like six people from the company went each week and we played against another company and we just like chatted with the other company a bit and like talk to them. And you just remind me of that. I didn't I haven't thought about that until then.

But there's also like soccer leagues. Obviously I don't play soccer. There's also like I think like within company there's a lot of other leagues and that's a really great one as well besides just meeting coworkers which I'm going to get into in a little bit. But leagues within companies is a great one. Yeah. Most of the times when you're doing something like that you're going to meet people with similar interests like for you with exactly like then you can go and play pickleball with like another person that you meet. It's such a good point. No exactly.

Also just think like I totally forgot that but like Older people and like your fraternity or a club with that you were in college I was I ran to Wawa one day for lunch and ran to or walked to or drove to both. No, I didn't Yeah, okay. Okay making sure just don't you don't want to lie to the audience Yeah, there is this guy Taylor Curlin that was in our

Fraternity who is I think three years older than us and I ran into him and while while one day for lunch I didn't even know he was in the area. Okay, and he was living down there for a year and he was like, let's get a drink and he already had an established group of friends because he did an internship down there and then he was living down there for I guess two years before I moved down there and I went out with his friends and that was like my second group of friends by the end of the time that was living down there and I actually ended up combining

Josh Felgoise (24:53.954)

the group of like Alex and Liam and then Taylor and his friends. So by the end, like it worked out really well. I think I maybe could have done like more research almost in a way to see who's around there. people on LinkedIn at a similar company and reached out. Right. Never really did that. That's another great tip that like you it's like a learning from your experience is that like you should look for people who you knew from college who were maybe a grade above you two years above you and reach out like there's no harm in reaching out.

And I think that even if you're not friends with them in college, you know, people change or also when you don't have any friends, you're going to develop a closer friendship than people three years older than you or two years older than you. Yeah, it's a it's a great point. No, it's really good. OK, anything else you want to add? Just trying to think, but I don't think so. OK, thanks for calling. And I thought I honestly thought that was gonna be like a four minute conversation and it was like 20.

And I'm like, in the middle of that conversation, was like, fuck, I should just had you on as a guest, but this worked out, it was great. I was like, shit. No, that's really great tips, and I'm gonna build off of them, but hearing from somebody firsthand, I talked about in beginning of episode, I don't have this personal experience, and I can't relate to it, but I can definitely find ways to do it, so I wanted to bring somebody on who can relate to that and has had that experience, so thank you for doing it.

Yeah, just real quick. I know that i'm thinking about it real quick. Yeah besides like I know I mentioned that it's not like a quick process to develop friends But it's also Difficult on like friday and saturday nights like I can see how certain people would get really down Like you go out you don't make friends for the first week the second week the third week and I think it's important just like

be in the right mental space and like keep your head up. It's definitely difficult, you know, going out on a Friday or a Saturday night without any friends. So I think you have to kind of just stay positive and eventually you're going to find those right people, whether, you know, it takes one month, two months, three months. didn't meet Taylor, like I mentioned, until four or five months that I was down there. So for the first four months, you know, it was definitely a little bit difficult.

Josh Felgoise (27:15.896)

But I think that you kind of just have to keep like a positive mindset and continue to go out because even like when it was raining, I remember talking to you and our friend Alicia when it was raining, I'm like, hate the rain. I just want to stay inside and you'd be like, we're going out. Like we're a hundred percent going out. Like fuck the rain. Right. But it's much easier to stay inside and be like, okay, I'm just going to watch a movie if you're living by yourself or living with another roommate and don't really have friends to motivate you to get out of the apartment. So I think it's important to

just motivate yourself and just go out whether you want to or not because at the end of the day you're trading an opportunity to meet people to sit inside and watch a movie because that's the decision you're making at the end of the day. I'm so happy you said that and brought that point up because I hadn't thought about it and like that must be like an incredibly hard position. How and I heard you heard something you said you said like

remain positive and be positive. How did you do that? I think by just honestly like, I mean, you knew me really, we've been friends for so long, but I was definitely an introvert, I think, right. And I think as weird as it sounds, you kind of have to step out of your comfort zone or not change your personality, but you're not going to meet people if you're not, you know, stepping out of your comfort zone to do that. So I think just being in the right head space and then

If you know a night doesn't go well and you're just stressed out like the next day Do something that makes you happy like me and my roommate we would go golfing after like meeting no friends because we were just like Last night sucked like we talked to 10 people. We bought five people drinks and we didn't get anyone's number So we're just like, okay, let's go golfing and just drink a little bit and forget about it. Yeah next weekend it is so I think like

finding something in a new city that makes you happy. I know you always made fun of me, but I always went on the hot girl walks because I lived along the river. I did not make fun of you. I was always on the hot girl walks with you. With me? Like on the phone. Yeah, I think just like finding something that you like to kind of decompress and just get in your own head space and think about the night before and like honestly, like how you could improve. Like, you know, being in a new state.

Josh Felgoise (29:37.802)

Also, just not getting drunk and making like not that drunk and making like a strong first impression is half the battle. Right, right. Doing something that's so nerve wracking, it's definitely easier to have two or three drinks in you, but at the same time, you're not going to want to make friends with someone who's like blacked out. So if you can just maintain like, especially going out like a reasonable level of drunk where you could, you know, have fun with random people at night, but also like remember conversations so can text them on.

on Wednesday and just say like, what are you doing this Friday? Yeah, that's another thing that I really learned. I don't know if it's like city by city, but for me, like the area I lived, like Philly was like a half an hour train ride in New York was an hour train ride. Right. So sometimes, you know, on like Wednesdays, you're making plans for what you're doing for the weekend. So I think, you know, if you meet someone at the bar, let's just use like Alex and Liam, for an example, like

Josh Felgoise (30:48.514)

on the calendar on a Wednesday or in a calendar, even if it's not, know, but like, let's go to this bar, let's grab dinner, let's do this happy hour, just, oh, are you going out Friday or Saturday? Just to kind of.

Right. it out there and if they don't have plans, they'll respond to you if they do have plans, they might invite you to a pre-game or I have this going on but I'm going this far after if you want to meet up. Yeah, for sure. That's another really great tip. I didn't think you would have this much wisdom to share but obviously I should have because you went through this for a literal year. A man full with wisdom. You are.

Literally, I'm like shit. I just can't I don't think this could be a solo episode anywhere This is a 24 minute phone conversation and Adam I paid so much money for these microphones to just have a phone call through the microphone I don't know how you're on speakerphone. was like, don't know how you're hearing me No through the speakerphone, but I'm putting the phone into the microphone and it's it sounds like it's gonna be okay quality I hope it's I hope it's fine, but like

This conversation was very genuine and I think this is probably the best way to interview you. I don't think you would have loved a video interview. No, would not have. Or like a full couch conversation. no. No, I was happy sitting in my sweatpants just doing this. No, this was great. And I think anybody that is in the position that you just went through for about a year will be so happy to hear, number one, that there's somebody else that was in that position. Number two, that there is like

There are ways to meet people. that's what I'm trying to say without sounding so dark. Right, it does sound like it took you a fat minute to get there. It sounds like there was like a lot of shit time that went into it. So I know you asked like how did you kind of deal with it? Like you have your friends from college. So like I know I reached out to you and along with a bunch of other people.

Josh Felgoise (32:47.958)

Right. Especially at the beginning, like it's really tough and like you're going to miss those friends and you know, have that FOMO. But having just that support from your friends is is definitely helpful because you know, it's not you that's making the mistakes or you know, when you're meeting someone and not getting a response about what they're doing, you know that like you still have a group of friends and might just not be in this immediate vicinity. Yeah, that is it. Wait, first of all, you're saying I'm a good friend.

Not the dead air, Adam. No, I'm kidding. No, no, but it's it's another really good point. And it's that that is a very good reminder. That's like you're not a failure because you can't meet somebody or make a new friend in a weekend or two weekends. Like it's a very hard thing to do. And that doesn't mean like you yourself are failure. You have all these other friends that you can fall back on or go see soon or know that they're

out there that you can just, they're literally a phone call away, that it's not like a reflection on you if you can't find new friends very quickly. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Well, thanks for calling in for literally 26 minutes. That was really great. I know you tried to wrap it up like five times. No, I didn't. I never want to wrap this up because each time I was like, anything else to say? You're like, yeah. And then you just like dropped an amazing bomb of knowledge. was like, Adam,

No, like everything you said was really great and you're the reason, you're like one of the reasons that this episode is going to be successful because I have a couple good tips and I'm just gonna build on what you said but having somebody who's actually experienced it is so much more important than me just saying like, go hang out with your coworkers, which I'm gonna do very soon. Yeah, it's not easy but I'm glad I could help. Yeah, all right, well thanks again for calling or me calling you and you answering. right, I'll call you after the episode, bye. See ya. All right.

That was Adam calling in with his tips. That was really genuinely way better than I thought it was going to be. Adam is really, as he said, he's very like introverted and this is not his type of setting for in general. And he gives me a lot of the tips for like this podcast and, and he's somebody that always always listening and always like giving me things I could improve upon, which I always, I always really appreciate. But yeah, I think.

Josh Felgoise (35:10.828)

start with exactly what he said because you want somebody that's been in that experience. But I want to also give you the tips that I had that I like built up over the past week and just thinking about what I've done. We got into intramural sports. So I'll start there in that conversation and coworkers. So let's start with coworkers first and foremost. And I really liked what Adam said about when he walked up to somebody like a friendship or relationship didn't start or like

bloom over bloom, didn't like blossom, sorry for the flower references, it wasn't like, like Rome wasn't created in a day. So I like what he said about that and I think it makes a lot of sense that it takes a long time to get to a place where you're at with all your other friends. But I think it's really important that at this stage when you are really trying to make a new friend,

that you are really genuine and honest and vulnerable with the new people. Cause I think if you're sitting down with somebody or as he said, playing cornhole, like if you're meeting somebody new at a bar or at however you're meeting them, we'll talk about other settings, but however you're that person, if you're not like really genuine and kind of vulnerable with what's going on in your life and you're like, yeah, like I just moved here. Like, I don't really know a lot of people. I just started a new job. Like the new job is great. And like,

You kind of divulge what's going on in your life and you genuinely want to hear what the other person has to say to and are curious and are listening to their like if you share your vulnerability, the other person is so much more likely to share what's going on on their mind. If you're real with them, they're going to be real with you. And I think that's like the biggest thing is that you didn't have to do that in college or in high school or anywhere else, because as as the first guy said, the guy who reached out to me said like.

people were all around you. So if that didn't work with one person, it was gonna work with the next person or the next person. But here when you're really trying to make a new friend or meet new people, I think it's really important first and foremost to just be very like genuine and open with the people. Because that's how you'll make a real friendship and make a real connection. So that's why I wanted to start with that kind of preface and just like being real with what's going on your life and asking and listening to them as well. But I think

Josh Felgoise (37:27.934)

I want to start with coworkers because I, as I said earlier, I had a lot of friends in the city, but I still really wanted to be friends with my coworkers. That was something that I like. I'm spending all day with these people. I might as well like them. away, I thought about my first couple of friends at work and how I kind of started those connections and how I kept them. There is one guy at work who I knew was my age.

Um, somebody introduced us and was like, like you're 23. I think he's 24. Like you guys should meet. Like you're both some of the youngest people at the company. So we just chatted for a bit. And I, I think I was like, Hey, like there's this pizza place that we had been talking about some sort of pizza place. And, um, I think I either asked him to go to dinner or he asked me, it was definitely me. I think I asked him to go to dinner, um, and just like, actually get to know each other and, and

Sounds like a first date and like Adam said, like it is like meeting somebody new, like you're, are kind of like guy flirting and like trying to make friends. but yeah, we, went to dinner and like hung out all night and we had a really funny experience. we went to, we went to this BYOB pizza place called Lucali in, in Brooklyn. and I got there and I knew it like, it was like a walk-in place. this friend's name is Ben. I knew that when.

You you went there. It was only walk-in. It was really intense and impossible to get a reservation So I left work monday at like five I was working from home and I went and took the subway like about a half an hour to the to the pizza place and he was getting me to be there at like 5 30 ish to go like put our name in and wait And I got there at 5 30 and they're like, okay, like there'll be a table for two at nine So I was texting him like frantically like hey, like maybe like we can meet up later like

We didn't really know each other and I was like, all right, we're gonna spend like four hours together before the dinner. Like that's so much time together. What the fuck are we gonna talk about? But at the time I was texting he was like, hey, like I'm almost there and I was like, fuck. All right, so I was honestly just like nervous. I was like, I don't know what I'm gonna talk to this person who all I know is that like he's similar ages for four hours before we sit down to eat food. So

Josh Felgoise (39:45.314)

We get there and like we're laughing over the situation, whatever. and then we go to get beer cause the place is BYOB. And then like, we're just like walking around drinking and we ended up sitting at the thing at the pizza place. we went to like another place before to get like drinks and food as like an appetizer conversation was great. We, and I think going back to what I said before, like the best and most important way to start making friends or meeting new people is just being real.

And we both got into like, we talked about like relationships in college and like previous girls we'd been with and how we got to the company we're at and what we really think about it and what we think of our bosses and the coworkers. like, we just got really honest and real and we're just, was like, it was friends from there. It was very easy and it was very quick and it like, and I talk about this like it's a date, but like there wasn't like lapses in conversation. It was just a very friendly banter.

And it was because both people were just willing to like go in on it. And we were like, all right, fuck it. We're here for four hours. Let's make the best of it and see what if we will become actual friends. And he's one of my like really good friends in the city now. I didn't know him a year ago and he's just from from work. He's one of my coworkers. But anyway, we got to the restaurant and like we're like each like three three beers deep. And we're like, I hadn't been feeling it. And I was like, I was wondering if he was and neither of us really like wanted to ask. I was like, hey, are you feeling this at all?

the three beers, you should feel something. And we look at the case and we bought non-alcoholic beer. Accidentally, it was just one like a very, it was a really funny like realization. And it's just like a story we've shared with a lot of other coworkers. And it's just like a very funny first experience together. And it's just set like a very good foundation for that friendship. So I think if there's somebody at work that you think you could genuinely be friends with.

I think you should ask them to go grab dinner or go grab food or go grab drinks, like you would do on a first date and just like have a real conversation with them. That's my first best tip because it's really worked for me and I've done it with a couple coworkers and it's been one of my favorite things. We talked about intramural sports and joining leagues. I think that's another great one. And I think again, like talking with those coworkers and seeing like what everybody's into. I talked about that pickleball league and I got back.

Josh Felgoise (42:07.17)

today from playing pickleball with one of my coworkers who we just bonded over pickleball with and I went and played with his two friends today. I didn't know any of them beside him and it was just great. like that was a great way to meet people. And if I wanted to that connection, I would easily just text him and be like, do want to play pickleball with that group again next Sunday? And like maybe grab lunch after and then like start making friends through friends. Like that's like a mutual great experience. But any other leagues like through work.

So I think that's the coworker and that's the intramural talk. The other side of it is a league outside of work. There's so many things you can find through Facebook or online. If you're into soccer, if you're into football, if you're into rugby, if you're into bowling, whatever it is, reading, hiking, as my friend said, rock climbing.

I think you should write down a list of your hobbies and interests and things that you genuinely want to do and start looking online for events and groups that center around that. Because if you're going to an event and finding and you're going somewhere that you're genuinely excited to go to and something you're excited to do, you're going to find people who are also there for the same reason. So you already have a commonality. You already have something in common. That's the same thing.

But you already have like that mutual point where it's like, okay, we both like rock climbing. there's a foundation for our friendship. Now let's talk about life and where you're at in the city and what job you have. And do you have friends here? Like, what do you like to do on the weekend? And then you get going from there. But if you're going, finding an event or something that you genuinely like doing, there's many people there who also genuinely like doing that.

So I think that's like one of my best tips outside of the bar scene because that also is just not for some people as the person said who reached out like he was like, I don't want to do what I don't want to like walk up to guys randomly. And luckily my friend had another friend to walk up with. He wasn't just going solo and I don't think he would have done that if it was just him going up there. But yeah, so outside of like the bar tips and only that works if you're totally solo because it can be just very intimidating to walk up to somebody random because odds are that person came with a group.

Josh Felgoise (44:32.498)

or is with somebody else there, that's an incredibly hard thing to do, which I wanted to say earlier, but I totally forgot about. So I would start with the events or the groups. I also think frequenting a nice location, so whether it be a coffee shop or a bookstore or some place that you're really interested in, I think if you start frequenting that, the gym, the gym's a great one, and you can find people there too.

Walk up to somebody and just like ask them about like their gym routine What they're up to like if they could help you if they could spot you if this I don't really know like gym talk, but I do think that meeting people at the gym is another great thing and You already have again that like mutual foundation for the friendship. my god running clubs This is another great one like running or walking clubs. I went to a walk on there's a place in New York called the West Side Highway, it's

the West Side Highway and there's like a walk, walking path alongside it. And I had a friend tell me that about this like entrepreneurial walk and it's this entrepreneurial meetup. So the grounds for it, the basis is that everybody there is trying to start something, is working at a startup, is interested in starting a startup and that's the mutual starting point. And you show up at 9 a.m. on Friday morning or.

sorry, like was like 8 a.m. on Friday morning, not relevant, and you meet at this one meeting point, there's an organizer, and the group was like 50 people, and at the beginning, you all went around and said, for me, I said like, hi, I'm Josh, and this was before I started the podcast, and I was like, and I had told a friend about it, and that's why he told me I should go, and he was like, and I was like, hi, I'm Josh, I am starting a podcast soon about what should be talked about for guys in their 20s,

And I'd love to talk to you more if that is something that interests you or something like that like I gave like a little pitch about myself and everybody went around and like pitched their own thing or what they're working on or what they want to start and From there you like found a couple people that you thought would relate So I talked to a guy who worked at hinge and I talked to a guy who? Was like a Forbes under 30 guy for starting some college matching app I don't know, but they were people that I thought would like

Josh Felgoise (46:55.81)

think what I was doing was interesting and I thought could maybe like relate to me. And from that walk, this was really crazy. I started talking to this one guy and he invited me to his birthday party, which I thought was nuts, but we like had a really genuine conversation for like 20 minutes along this walk. And he was like, Hey, like you seem like a really great person. I don't have a ton of friends in the city. And, I I'm having this birthday party this weekend. Like if you want it to stop by, like I'll, I'll send you the, the invite.

Now that was such a cool thing to do and I forgot about this until I'm talking about it right now. I couldn't end up going because I had something else, but I looking back like really wish I did because I could have totally kept that connection. But I think finding like a walking club like that is an amazing thing to do. I don't know if a lot of other cities have that like New York. I'm sure they do. That's just my personal experience. But yeah, like a walking club or a running club.

I had Ryan Winter on the podcast a little while back. We talked about like body image and fashion in the modeling world. And he told me that he went to a walking club with this guy, Marcus Millione, who founded this company called Minted. And he saw, think on Instagram or something during COVID and just like went randomly and met the guy and they're, they've been friends ever since. And like, they just started a friendship from that day.

So I think anything can really start something if you have that great foundation. That's kind of the core of all my advice here. But yeah, I actually met the guy, Marcus, recently. He had a pop-up store in Soho, and I asked him if he wanted to come on the podcast at some point soon. So look out for that episode soon. I'm gonna have him on. But he told, I was like, I'm...

I found out about you through this guy Ryan Winter. He's like, of course I know Ryan. Like Ryan's a great guy. Like blah, blah. Like I him at this thing and he told me a very similar story. I it was just like a very cool thing that they both have. So yeah, I think that's another great way to do it. Continuing on, I think Facebook groups are another great way to meet people. So if there's, as I said earlier, like the activities or things that you're interested in, I think you can look on Facebook. Like I said online, that's very hard to do, but I think you could honestly Google like

Josh Felgoise (49:12.328)

New York City, I'm in New York City, so New York City groups or New York City like Intramural Soccer League or New York City Walking Club and find stuff that way. But I think on Facebook is another really great way to find groups of people who are already started. So if you're in a place where you don't know how to start making new friends or don't know how to find new people and you're in a place that you really want to because of course you want to.

Start with any of these things. Start with the one that you're most comfortable doing. For me, I don't think it would be the bar thing. I think it would be joining a club or league as I've done and as I will keep doing because I think it's always just really fun to meet new people and make new friends and see where those connections go. As I said, like that coworker has become a really great friend of mine, just all from that. So, and then like, yeah, as I said earlier, like in those groups, if you see like one or two people that you think would be great friends,

ask for their number and ask to go grab a drink or grab dinner or grab like lunch, whatever, and keep that relationship going. As Adam said earlier in the episode, he met them the first time and then was like, hey, do you guys wanna go out again tonight? And they asked him to go bowling. Like keeping it going throughout like the next couple weeks, I think is really imperative for that type of relationship and like maintaining some sort of communication or texting or like.

Calling and just being like, like how are you? Like, are you down to hang out later this week? Would love to hang out Friday night or meet your other friends or blah, blah. Like, I think just keeping that relationship in the beginning is really important. And then, as I said, like to build that foundation. So, I hope these tips were really helpful. I know they've worked for me with meeting new people. A couple of them, as I said, worked for Adam and he's talked about them too. So.

Good luck if you're in that position. As Adam was saying, it sounds like it can be really hard and I know it can be really hard. Keep your head above water. Don't get bogged down if you can't find new people or if those friendships aren't becoming really great friendships really quickly. That's just not the right person for you and it can feel very similar to a rejection. But I don't think it's a judge of your character, of your person. It's not like, I'm a terrible person and I can't make friends because I haven't made friends in a couple weeks or a month or.

Josh Felgoise (51:30.232)

two months, whatever it is, like it's not a reflection on you if it doesn't work after a week or two or a month or two, like there's other ways to do it. And I think it's through finding activities and things that you're already interested in and going from there. All right, I'm getting repetitive, which means that I need to stop. And I'm sure you're already like, all right, Josh, you're not even here at this point. You're probably like, all right, I've heard what I need to hear. But thank you to Adam Graff for coming on. You were a really great guest.

Accidental guest so don't know if I can have this be a solo episode or not. We'll see but thank you for coming on that was really great and Good luck to everybody out there making new friends. I think it's a really hard thing and I Love you. I do the outro now from here I don't add in it after if you like this podcast, please subscribe or like or follow wherever you're listening whether that be Spotify Apple music or no Apple podcasts or any other way you're listening, but those are probably the two main ones

If you're watching on YouTube, hey, give this video a like and subscribe and you can follow GuySett at the GuySett on Instagram and TikTok. You can email me. My name is Josh, J-O-S-H at GuySett, G-U-I-S-E-T.com, Josh at GuySett.com. Any type of the question like this, the exact same thing, wow, the exact same thing I did today was because of a DM I got on Instagram and that's at the GuySett, T-H-E-G-U-Y-S-E-T.

And that's because I got a DM, and that's the reason I made this episode. So I'm a man of the people. I'm here to make whatever you want to hear. And it's a great way for me to get more ideas, and it's a great way to honestly answer these questions. So thank you again for listening, and I will see you guys next Tuesday. See you guys.