There comes a point in almost every relationship when you stop wondering whether you like the other person.

You already know you do.

The question becomes whether they feel the same way.

That's usually when another question starts taking over your thoughts.

What are we?

For a lot of people, it's the most intimidating conversation in modern dating. Not because it's difficult to ask, but because it feels like everything could change depending on the answer. You start convincing yourself that if you bring it up too soon, you'll scare them away. If you wait too long, you'll end up stuck in a situationship wondering where you stand.

So you do what most people do.

You wait.

You tell yourself you'll bring it up after the next date.

Then the next one.

Then after the weekend trip.

Then after you've known each other for another month.

Meanwhile, nothing actually changes except the amount of time you spend thinking about it.

Most People Ask the Wrong Question

I actually don't think the conversation should start with:

"What are we?"

Not because there's anything wrong with the question.

But because it's asking for a label before you've shared how you feel.

I think a much better conversation starts with honesty.

Instead of asking them to define the relationship, define your own feelings first.

Tell them you've really enjoyed getting to know them.

Tell them you look forward to seeing them.

Tell them you aren't interested in dating anyone else.

Tell them you feel like the relationship is becoming important to you.

When you lead with honesty instead of a label, the conversation becomes much less intimidating for both people.

You're not asking them to make a decision on the spot.

You're inviting them into your thoughts.

Figure Out How You Feel First

One mistake I think a lot of people make is trying to figure out what the other person wants before they've figured out what they want themselves.

Before you have this conversation, ask yourself a few questions.

Are you happy with where the relationship is?

Do you want to stop dating other people?

Can you see yourself continuing to build something with this person?

If the answer to those questions is yes, then you already know the most important part of the conversation.

How you feel.

The rest is simply finding out whether they feel the same way.

One of the biggest ideas from When Should You Become Exclusive? is that readiness isn't measured by the calendar. It's measured by whether you've naturally reached a point where one relationship matters more than every other possibility.

That's the place you want to have this conversation from.

Not fear.

Not pressure.

Clarity.

Why We Avoid It

I've always thought it's interesting that people will spend weeks wondering what someone else is thinking instead of spending five minutes asking them.

The reason is simple.

We're afraid of the answer.

As long as the relationship stays undefined, there's always the possibility that it becomes exactly what we hope it becomes.

The moment we ask, uncertainty disappears.

Sometimes that's exciting.

Sometimes it's disappointing.

But here's what I've learned.

Uncertainty has a cost too.

Every day you avoid the conversation is another day spent analyzing text messages, wondering whether they're seeing other people, and trying to answer questions that only one person can answer.

One of my favorite moments from the podcast was this:

"Everything they say from there will tell you everything you need to know."

I still think that's true.

No amount of overthinking will ever give you more clarity than one honest conversation.

Don't Treat It Like an Ultimatum

One reason people get nervous about defining the relationship is because they imagine it as an all-or-nothing moment.

Either you become boyfriend and girlfriend...

...or everything falls apart.

Real life usually isn't that dramatic.

Sometimes the other person says they've been hoping you'd bring it up.

Sometimes they tell you they're feeling the same way.

Sometimes they say they really like you but need a little more time.

Every one of those responses gives you something valuable.

Clarity.

And clarity is almost always better than uncertainty.

Research from the Center For Improving Relationships has consistently shown that healthy relationships are built on open communication rather than assumptions. The strongest couples aren't the ones who avoid vulnerable conversations. They're the ones who know how to have them, even when they feel uncomfortable.

What Should You Actually Say?

One of the biggest misconceptions about the "what are we?" conversation is that there's a perfect script.

There isn't.

I've never believed that relationships are built on saying the perfect thing. They're built on saying the honest thing.

That's why I think this conversation should sound like you.

It doesn't have to be polished.

It doesn't have to be rehearsed.

It just has to be real.

You could say something as simple as:

"I've really enjoyed getting to know you these last few weeks."

"I feel like this has become more than just casually dating for me."

"I wanted to tell you where I'm at because I wasn't sure how you were feeling."

Notice what all of those have in common.

They're about you.

You're sharing your experience before asking about theirs.

I think that's a much easier conversation for someone to respond to than immediately asking, "So...what are we?"

Once you've shared where you are, the conversation naturally opens itself up.

"How are you feeling about everything?"

That's a very different conversation than asking someone to immediately define the relationship.

Listen More Than You Talk

I think a lot of people spend so much time preparing what they're going to say that they forget the conversation has two people in it.

The goal isn't to deliver a speech.

The goal is to understand each other.

Once you've shared how you feel, give them room to respond.

Don't interrupt.

Don't try to convince them.

Don't immediately jump in because you're nervous about the silence.

Just listen.

One of the things I said in the episode that I still believe is this:

"You finally get out of your head and into where you actually are."

That's exactly what this conversation does.

For weeks, maybe even months, you've been imagining what they might be thinking.

Now you get to hear what they're actually thinking.

Those are two very different things.

Sometimes you'll discover they've been hoping you'd bring it up.

Sometimes you'll realize they need more time.

Sometimes you'll find out you're looking for different things.

None of those outcomes are failures.

They're information.

And information is always better than assumptions.

What If They're Not Ready?

This is usually the fear underneath every "what are we?" conversation.

What if they don't feel the same way?

It's a fair question.

But I think it's important to separate "not ready" from "not interested."

Those aren't the same thing.

Someone might genuinely care about you while still needing more time before defining the relationship. Maybe they came out of a long relationship recently. Maybe they move more slowly than you do. Maybe they simply aren't there yet.

That doesn't automatically mean the relationship is over.

It does mean you have another conversation to have.

How much time feels reasonable?

What does moving forward look like?

Are you both working toward the same goal?

Those answers matter much more than whether someone is ready on that exact day.

On the other hand, if someone tells you they don't see the relationship becoming more serious, believe them.

As difficult as that answer can be, it's still better than spending another six months hoping they'll eventually change their mind.

One honest conversation can save you months of uncertainty.

The Biggest Mistake People Make

I think the biggest mistake isn't bringing up the conversation too early.

It's believing that avoiding it somehow protects the relationship.

It doesn't.

Avoiding the conversation usually protects uncertainty.

The longer two people leave the relationship undefined, the more likely they are to create different expectations. One person starts imagining a future together while the other still thinks they're casually dating.

Neither person is trying to mislead the other.

They're simply filling in the blanks differently.

Research from the Psychology Today has found that conversations about expectations have become increasingly important as modern dating has evolved. With more ways to meet people than ever before, healthy relationships rely less on assumptions and more on intentional communication.

That's exactly what defining the relationship is.

Not pressure.

Not an ultimatum.

Just clarity.

Here's the Thing

I don't think the "what are we?" conversation changes a healthy relationship.

I think it confirms one.

If you've reached the point where you're constantly wondering where you stand, there's a good chance you've already spent far more time thinking about the conversation than actually having it.

You don't need the perfect words.

You don't need the perfect moment.

You don't need the perfect outcome.

You just need honesty.

Because healthy relationships aren't built by people who never feel uncertain.

They're built by people who are willing to share that uncertainty with each other.

If you're still trying to figure out whether you've reached that point, How Do You Know If Someone Is Actually Interested In You? can help you recognize the signs that someone is looking for the same kind of commitment you are.

And if the conversation goes well, When Should You Ask Someone to Be Your Girlfriend? is often the natural next step.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you have the "what are we?" conversation?

Start by sharing how you feel instead of asking for a label immediately. Explain that you've enjoyed getting to know them and want to understand where you both see the relationship going.

When should you ask "What are we?"

Have the conversation when you've gotten to know each other well enough to know you'd like to continue building the relationship and want clarity about where you both stand.

Is asking "What are we?" too soon?

Not if you're asking from a place of honesty rather than pressure. The right time depends on the relationship, not the number of dates.

What if they aren't ready for a relationship?

That doesn't automatically mean the relationship is over. Ask what they're looking for, what they need, and whether you're both working toward the same goal.

Can defining the relationship ruin it?

Healthy relationships aren't ruined by honest conversations. More often than not, defining the relationship creates clarity and helps both people move forward with confidence.