How Do I Stop Chasing People Who Do Not Put In Effort
If you keep chasing people who give you nothing back, this guide shows you how to break the pattern, protect your confidence, and build real connection.
By
Josh Felgoise
Dec 8, 2025
Chasing is one of the easiest dating traps guys fall into.
You start with good intentions. You reach out. You invest. You show interest. But when the other person doesn’t reciprocate, instead of slowing down, you push harder.
So let’s get into it.
You stop chasing by matching energy, not desire. When someone doesn’t put in effort, it’s not your job to fill the gap. It’s your job to notice the gap. The second you start carrying the whole connection, it’s not a connection anymore. It’s a pursuit you don’t need to be in.
If chasing is already exhausting you, What Should I Do If She Stops Replying is a strong next read.
Effort Tells You Everything
“I don’t think you should be chasing.”
Chasing happens when:
you care more than they do
you try harder than they do
you show up and they disappear
you reach out and they delay
you initiate everything
The more you chase, the smaller you feel. Not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re giving energy where it isn’t being returned.
Mutual effort doesn’t need to be forced.
Psychologists often link this dynamic to anxious attachment, which Psychology Today explains as over-investing when emotional reciprocity is missing.
Look at Behavior, Not Hope
One of the clearest signs you’re chasing is when you start explaining their lack of effort for them.
They’re busy.
They’re bad at texting.
They’re overwhelmed.
They didn’t mean it like that.
Here’s the line that resets everything:
“You deserve the attention back that you’re putting into it.”
That’s the standard.
That’s the baseline.
That’s the part you keep forgetting.
You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for mutual interest.
Stop Carrying What They’re Not Holding
Chasing always starts with pressure.
“If you feel like you’re having to put pressure on something… maybe this person isn’t the one.”
If you have to push for replies, reminders, or plans, the connection is already unbalanced.
You don’t build relationships by pressuring them into existence.
You build them by matching energy.
Relationship research from The Gottman Institute consistently shows that mutual effort and responsiveness are core predictors of healthy relationships.
When something is real, it moves on its own.
Why You Chase People Who Don’t Put In Effort
This part matters.
It’s never really about them. It’s about one of these:
you want validation
you want clarity
you’re attached to potential, not reality
you want to feel chosen
you want to prove something to yourself
But the more you chase, the more disconnected you become from your own value. You start negotiating for attention instead of expecting reciprocity.
That’s the trap.
Mental health experts at Verywell Mind describe this pattern as reinforcing insecurity rather than resolving it, especially when inconsistency is mistaken for attraction.
How to Stop Chasing for Good
This is what actually breaks the pattern.
Match what you’re receiving
If the energy drops, your effort drops too.Stop initiating everything
Let them show you something.Stop rewarding inconsistency
Responding fast to slow effort doesn’t help you.Believe patterns
Inconsistency is communication.Pull back when they pull back
Not to play games, but to see what they do.Remember your worth
You are not supposed to carry connection alone.
Episode 129 reinforced this through every story. Mutual interest should feel steady, not stressful.
If you want to sharpen your read on effort, How Long Should You Wait For Someone To Reschedule a Date pairs naturally with this.
Where You Go From Here
You stop chasing when you realize your energy is valuable.
Anyone who wants to be in your life will meet you.
Anyone who doesn’t meet you isn’t meant to stay.
Your effort is a gift.
Give it to the people who give it back.
If you want the next step, read How Do I Know If She’s Actually Interested next.
FAQ
How do I stop chasing someone?
Match their effort, not your feelings.
What if they come back later?
Match their new behavior, not your old attachment.
Why do I always chase distant people?
Because inconsistency feels like potential when it’s actually misalignment.
How do I break the pattern?
Set a new baseline: your effort must be matched.
Is chasing ever worth it?
No. Chasing destroys confidence.
