#38 - Comparing Yourself To Your Friends
Feb 20, 2024
I found myself comparing to (and a little jealous of) a friend who recently went on a great first date and here's how I got myself out of it.
Why Comparing Yourself to Friends Is Slowly Killing Your Happiness
How to stop the comparison trap and genuinely celebrate your friends' wins
Your friend just texted the group chat about getting promoted. Another buddy posted about his amazing weekend trip with his girlfriend. Someone else is buying their first apartment. And you're sitting there thinking: "When is it going to be my turn?"
Sound familiar? You're not alone.
Josh from the Guyset podcast recently had this exact experience when his friend went on an incredible first date—something Josh hadn't experienced in a while. Instead of just feeling happy for his friend, he found himself spiraling into comparison mode.
"Why am I kind of jealous of him right now that like he had this really great date?" Josh reflects. "Fuck, why am I now comparing myself to him?"
The Thing Guys Don't Talk About
Here's what Josh realized: guys don't talk about comparing themselves to other guys nearly enough.
"I don't think guys talk about comparing themselves to other guys a lot. I really don't," he admits. "We don't share our emotions in this way that like we're jealous of another guy friend or like we're envious of the place that they're at."
But the reality? We're constantly comparing ourselves to our friends across every aspect of life:
Career success - "Why does he have such a great job and I don't?"
Relationships - "Why does he have a long-term girlfriend and I don't?"
Money - "Why is he making so much more than me?"
Life progress - "Why does it feel like he's so much further ahead?"
The Comparison Spiral Is Real
Josh breaks down how easy it is to spiral:
"It's just easy to compare yourself to people your age because they're the ones you're looking at the most... you're like, fuck, why is he? Why does he have such a great job and I don't? Why does he have a long-term girlfriend and I don't?"
The dangerous questions we ask ourselves:
"Why couldn't I get that opportunity?"
"Is there really anyone for me?"
"Why is it working for him and not for me?"
"How does he always have plans while my week feels empty?"
"How does he seem so happy all the time?"
The Reality Check You Need
Here's Josh's breakthrough insight: everyone has something worth being jealous of at different times.
"We all have something at some time that somebody is thinking about or jealous of or possibly resentful of... it may not be now, it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, it may not be next week, it may not be next month. It could have been two weeks ago, it could have been a year ago, and it may be in a year."
The rotating wheel of success: What Josh realized is that success and happiness aren't permanent states. They're constantly shifting between people. Your friend might have the perfect relationship now, but six months ago, you were the one they were envious of.
Why Comparison Steals Your Joy
Josh references the classic quote: "Comparison is the thief of joy."
"When you start comparing yourself to other people, it takes away the good you have right now or the good you used to have and there's no reason to compare yourself to that person."
What comparison actually does:
Makes you forget your own wins and progress
Prevents you from appreciating your current situation
Creates resentment toward people you care about
Wastes mental energy that could be used productively
Damages friendships and relationships
The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything
Treat your friends' wins as your wins.
"I do really think that my friends' wins are my wins and I think that's the best way to be as a friend and in life in general. I think it just boosts your own happiness when you're happier for the people around you."
Why this approach works:
It makes you a better friend
Your friends will support you more when you celebrate them
It creates a positive feedback loop in your social circle
It trains your brain to focus on abundance rather than scarcity
It makes you genuinely happier
How to Handle Comparison When It Hits
Josh offers a practical approach for when you catch yourself comparing:
1. Acknowledge the Feeling
"Being jealous or envious or even resentful of where your friends are at is normal and okay and not weird and doesn't make you a bad person."
Don't shame yourself for having these thoughts. They're human and natural.
2. Give Yourself a Time Limit
"I think it's okay to be a little annoyed and a little sad and a little depresso mode for a little while. And by a little while, I mean like nothing more than a couple minutes or like at most an hour."
Feel the feeling, but don't camp out there.
3. Remember Your Own Journey
"When you can take a step back and be like, you know what? I had that before and they were really supportive of me or really excited for me. I should be that for that person."
Recall times when you were in their position and how good it felt to have support.
4. Take Action
"Sitting in your own sorrow and sitting in a pile of shit isn't gonna get you there."
Instead of wallowing, ask yourself: What can I do to get closer to where I want to be?
The Action-Oriented Approach
Josh uses his dating situation as an example:
"When I think about it, I haven't opened my hinge app in like three weeks since that last good date. I haven't put myself out there in the way that I did the other month. So why should I expect that a great second date is going to fall into my lap?"
The key questions to ask yourself:
What specific actions have I taken toward this goal lately?
What could I be doing differently?
What small step can I take today?
How can I learn from my friend's success?
Building a Support System
The best way to combat comparison is to create an environment where everyone genuinely celebrates each other's wins.
How to be that friend:
Genuinely celebrate your friends' successes
Ask follow-up questions about their good news
Offer support during their struggles
Share your own challenges honestly
Create space for real conversations about insecurities
When you build this kind of supportive friend group, you'll find that comparison happens less often because you feel secure in your relationships and progress.
The Bigger Picture
Josh's insight: "Show them the support that you want to be showed when you get there."
Remember:
Success isn't zero-sum—your friend's win doesn't mean your loss
Different people peak at different times
Your journey is unique and doesn't follow anyone else's timeline
Supporting others actually makes good things more likely to happen to you
Genuine friendships are built on celebrating each other
Moving Forward
The next time you catch yourself comparing to a friend:
Pause and acknowledge what you're feeling
Remember that this feeling is temporary and normal
Recall your own past successes and the support you received
Choose to genuinely celebrate your friend
Channel that energy into taking action toward your own goals
The Bottom Line
Comparing yourself to friends is natural, but it's also a choice. You can choose to let it consume you, or you can choose to use it as motivation while genuinely supporting the people you care about.
As Josh puts it: "Their wins are your wins and you should be as excited for them as you are excited for yourself and they'll return that when it's your turn to kind of shine."
The reality: Your time will come. And when it does, you'll want your friends in your corner, celebrating with you. So start building that culture now by being genuinely excited when good things happen to them.
Your happiness doesn't have to wait for your turn to come around. It can start with being genuinely happy for the people you care about, right now.
Want to hear Josh's complete thoughts on this topic? This blog post is based on a full Guyset podcast episode where Josh shares more personal insights about dealing with comparison and jealousy among friends. Listen to the complete episode on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts to get the full conversation and hear Josh work through these feelings in real-time.
Ready for more honest conversations about the struggles guys face in their twenties? The Guyset podcast tackles topics that guys actually think about but rarely discuss openly. New episodes drop every Tuesday.
Remember: Everyone is fighting their own battles and celebrating their own wins at different times. Focus on your journey, support your friends, and trust that your time is coming.
Related Topics:
How to Handle FOMO in Your Twenties
Building Genuine Friendships as an Adult
Career Comparison and Finding Your Own Path
Dating Anxiety and Social Pressure
Mental Health Tips for Young Men
Subscribe and follow Guyset, give this episode 5 stars, and leave a review! Click HERE to connect with Guyset on Instagram, HERE to connect with Guyset on TikTok, HERE to check out Guyset.com, and HERE to watch the full episode on YouTube.
Send questions you want advice on or topics to talk about to advice@guyset.com
You can reach me on Instagram DMs HERE or by email josh@guyset.com
See you next Tuesday!
