Why Guys Are Terrible at Texting Friends Back (And How to Actually Fix It)

Listen to the full conversation on the Guyset Podcast, available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts.

My roommate Reid just called himself out on something that every guy listening will immediately recognize: "I do not follow up or not as much as I should with people that aren't New York. I have a good friend in DC, Virginia area or Miami so I feel like... definitely make sure you're still in contact with your buddies that aren't in your surrounding vicinity."

He's talking about the thing we all do - or rather, don't do. We have friends we genuinely care about, friends we'd love to catch up with, but somehow we just... don't reach out. Weeks turn into months, months turn into "oh shit, I should probably text him."

The Daily Routine That Kills Friendships

Reid perfectly captured the problem when he described a typical day: "wake up, either go to the gym or go right to work. Then you want to go to the gym. Then you make food and you like try and do something or watch TV and then you go to bed."

Sound familiar? Most of our days are consumed by the immediate demands of work, fitness, basic survival tasks, and maybe squeezing in some downtime. In this routine, reaching out to friends who aren't physically present just... doesn't happen.

"The day gets in the way and then that day becomes Tuesday becomes Wednesday becomes Thursday. Then it's like, should I, I was supposed to text him a month ago and I didn't," I added during our conversation.

But here's the paradox: we all want to know what our friends are up to. As Reid put it, "we all love our buddies, no matter where they are. It's about putting that little bit extra effort or just remember, because we all want to know what's going on, but it's just putting..."

He trailed off there, but we all know what he meant. We just don't hit send.

Why This Happens to Guys Specifically

Let's be honest about something that Reid and I touched on: "guys are not good at following up." This isn't a stereotype - it's a pattern that most men recognize in themselves and their friendships.

Part of it is how we're socialized. Men are often taught to be self-reliant, to not be "needy," to handle things independently. Reaching out to a friend just to chat can feel like admitting you need something, even when that's not the case at all.

Part of it is also how male friendships often function. We're comfortable with longer gaps between contact. We can pick up where we left off more easily than some other friendship dynamics. But this strength can become a weakness when "comfortable with gaps" turns into "months of no contact."

The Bathroom Scroll Solution

Here's the practical solution I suggested during our conversation, and it's embarrassingly simple:

"There's so many moments in the day where we have a break from work and that like we're spending that break flipping through TikTok or Instagram or I don't know even like when you're like in the bathroom like we're on our phone everybody's always on their phone... I just think there's moments like that where if you can be like, shit, let me get off TikTok and text a friend I haven't texted in a while or call somebody for like seven minutes."

Think about how much time you spend mindlessly scrolling through social media or YouTube shorts throughout the day. Reid even admitted his weakness: "YouTube shorts like I have a couple of different YouTube shorts."

What if you replaced just one of those scrolling sessions per week with reaching out to a friend you haven't talked to in a while?

The Seven-Minute Phone Call

I specifically mentioned seven minutes because that's actually enough time to have a meaningful catch-up. You don't need to plan a two-hour conversation. Seven minutes is enough to:

• Ask how they're doing

• Share one thing that's going on with you

• Make a plan to talk again soon or visit

• Feel like you actually caught up

"This is plenty of time. I don't know why you're laughing," Reid responded when I suggested the seven-minute timeframe. He's right - it is plenty of time, but we act like staying in touch requires some massive time commitment.

The Real Issue: We All Care But Nobody Acts

The most frustrating part of this whole dynamic is that it's completely solvable. Reid acknowledged: "we all care about what's going on it's just we just don't click that send button just something it's not on our mind or I guess it is on our mind but it's just background."

Everyone wants to hear from their friends. Everyone wants to know what's happening in their lives. Everyone appreciates when someone reaches out unexpectedly. But we're all waiting for the other person to make the first move.

It's like a friendship standoff where everybody loses.

The Compound Effect of Bad Communication

Reid's experience highlights something important: "definitely make sure you're still in contact with your buddies that aren't in your surrounding vicinity because they're still your great buddies. I love hanging out with them and definitely make an effort to go see them or go on a trip with them."

When you don't stay in regular contact, it becomes harder to make plans to see each other. You lose track of what's happening in their lives, so conversations feel more awkward when you finally do connect. The friendship doesn't disappear, but it definitely weakens.

And in your twenties and thirties, when everyone is dealing with career changes, relationships, moves, and major life transitions, these friendships become more important, not less.

Your Next Seven Minutes

Here's your challenge: Before you finish reading this, think of one friend you haven't talked to in way too long. Someone you genuinely care about but just haven't reached out to.

Now, instead of opening TikTok or Instagram next time you have a few minutes, text them. Or better yet, call them.

Don't overthink it. Don't worry about the perfect thing to say. Just reach out.

"Hey man, was just thinking about you. How's everything going?"

That's it. That's the text.

Reid summed it up perfectly: "it's just putting that little bit extra effort." The effort isn't actually that much - it's just about being intentional instead of letting the day get in the way.

Your friends want to hear from you. You want to hear from them. Stop waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect reason.

Seven minutes. One text. One call. That's all it takes to remind someone they matter to you.

Want to hear more about maintaining friendships in your twenties, plus Reid's complete roommate and relationship advice? Listen to his full episode on the Guyset Podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts.