The One Roommate Rule That Actually Matters: Why "Clean Up After Yourself" Isn't Enough

Listen to the full conversation on the Guyset Podcast, available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts.

After three years of living with my roommate Reid in a West Village apartment, we've figured out what actually makes or breaks a roommate situation. And it's not what you think.

Sure, everyone knows you should clean up after yourself. That's Roommate 101. But Reid brought up something during our podcast conversation that gets to the heart of what really matters: communication about guests.

"I think you're clean because I'm messy," Reid said when I asked about our living dynamic. "Are we both messy? I think you're clean because I'm messy." We're both pretty messy, actually. Our third roommate Jordan is messy too. And somehow, it works perfectly.

But you know what would have destroyed our living situation? If we hadn't figured out the guest communication thing.

The Guest Communication Game-Changer

"Something you and Jordan both do really well is that you guys told me that people are coming over," Reid explained. "Your friends are coming over... His brother's coming and staying over the couch. I don't care as long as you guys just tell me."

This seems obvious, but think about how often this doesn't happen. Someone's friend crashes on the couch without warning. A romantic interest spends multiple nights without anyone mentioning it. Weekend visitors show up unannounced.

Reid's right - most people don't actually care if your friends stay over. What they care about is feeling like they have a heads up about their own living space.

Why This Matters More Than Cleanliness

Here's what's interesting: Reid and I have very different standards when it comes to cleanliness. We're both admittedly messy. If we were living with someone who needed everything spotless, it would be a disaster.

But we've never had a single fight about guests because we communicate about them. I know when Reid's girlfriend is visiting. He knows when my friends are staying over. Jordan tells us when his brother is crashing on the couch.

This creates an environment where everyone feels respected and informed about their own home, even when that home is chaotic and full of people.

The Three-Year Conflict Pattern

Reid revealed something fascinating about our household dynamics: "Clear answer so I fight with Josh, Jordan fights with Josh, Reid and Jordan do not fight. Sometimes it is Reed and Jordan versus Josh."

I had to laugh because he's absolutely right. In three years, Reid and Jordan have never gotten into an argument with each other. But both of them have definitely gotten annoyed with me at various points.

"Have you guys ever gotten into an argument or disagreement?" I asked about Reid and Jordan. "We've definitely gotten under each other's skin and annoyed each other... but we've never gotten into an argument of substance."

The lesson here isn't that I'm a difficult roommate (though maybe I am). It's that when you have clear communication systems in place, conflicts stay small and manageable instead of building into major issues.

What Actually Causes Roommate Drama

Reid's advice for new roommates was telling: "My advice would be to just clean up after yourself. So if you see that the trash can is full, go and take it out. Same with the recycling. If the kitchen table is dirty, it takes just a minute to clean."

But notice what he emphasized: it's not about maintaining perfect cleanliness. It's about noticing when something needs to be done and doing it. It's about not making your mess someone else's responsibility.

"Dishwasher. Take out the, if they're clean, take them out. Same with the sink, same with pans," I added. "I actually think there's a lot of things that add up that make somebody a good roommate versus a bad roommate."

The pattern here isn't about being neat - it's about being considerate. It's about not forcing your roommates to clean up after you or work around your habits.

The Communication vs. Cleanliness Trade-Off

Here's what most people get wrong about roommate compatibility: they focus too much on matching cleanliness standards and not enough on communication styles.

Reid and I work as roommates not because we're both neat (we're not) or because we have identical living habits (we don't). We work because we're both good at communicating about our needs and giving each other heads up about anything that affects the shared space.

"Little things are noticed by everybody," Reid pointed out. And he's right - but the "little things" aren't just about cleaning. They're about showing consideration for the people you live with.

The Actual Roommate Success Formula

Based on three years of living together successfully (and Reid's observations about what works), here's what actually matters:

Communication about guests: Always give roommates a heads up when people are staying over, visiting, or hanging out in shared spaces.

Shared responsibility for common areas: If you see the trash is full, take it out. If dishes are clean, put them away. Don't wait for someone else to handle shared responsibilities.

Respect for different standards: Not everyone needs to be equally neat, but everyone needs to avoid creating extra work for others.

Clear conflict resolution: Address issues directly instead of letting them build up. Reid and Jordan never fight because they handle small annoyances before they become big problems.

Your Roommate Situation

If you're dealing with roommate tension, ask yourself: Are you actually incompatible, or do you just need better communication systems?

Before you blame messy habits or different schedules, make sure you're nailing the basics. Are you giving heads up about guests? Are you handling your share of common area maintenance? Are you addressing small issues before they become big ones?

Reid's final piece of advice was about intentionality: "I wish we did more... if we cooked together, it would have been fun... doing like cooking together would have been super fun."

Good roommate relationships don't just happen because you avoid annoying each other. They happen when you actively create positive shared experiences and maintain open communication about the practical stuff.

Three years in, Reid and I are moving out on good terms, with great memories, and as better friends than when we moved in. That's the real measure of roommate success.

Want to hear more roommate advice, plus Reid's insights on job searching and long-distance relationships? Listen to his complete episode on the Guyset Podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts.